I Guess We Were Better Partners Than Lovers?

After nearly four years together, my relationship with my girlfriend has come to a mutual end. Both of us had met spontaneously one night and shared an immediate attraction for one another. We traveled for two weeks shortly after meeting and moved in together at six months. We were different people in many ways but our goals were the same, and we were in love. Of course, we didn't always see eye to eye and arguments would occasionally break out; we've had some pretty bad fights but found away to work through them and move forward. Despite some of our setbacks, we worked well together, overall.

It wasn't long before we began to achieve some of our personal goals and were growing in most areas of our lives. However, even though things were mostly improving, we both couldn't ignore some of the underlying issues with depression and stress(on both our ends). Everyone gets hit with the occasional blues, but she has it bit more severe. I've always done what I could to support her, but approaching this can be very difficult. She had sought professional help in the past but wasn't satisfied with it, so we mushed on hoping that we could work through it. A heavy work load with a busy schedule didn't help, and neither did the irritation of the daily, tedious grind. We were both in the process of "finding" ourselves and looking for what we thought could be a better standard of living. Once we finally started moving in that direction, we somehow slowly grew apart. I'm not exactly sure what caused this gradual distancing but it was happening and I found myself having to put in more effort to bridge the gap.

As time went on, we felt even more worn out than before and honestly, just bored. We moved to a new city one year ago, and knew no one. A fresh start (for the third time) in a quieter city, away from the rat race and a chance to work on us as a couple. It was exciting at first but a gradual routine kicked in. After a couple of months we found ourselves feeling lonely. It was quite the drive to get to family and friends and my girlfriend doesn't have any friends at all. If we had any arguments, she literally had no one to talk or vent to other than a co-worker. Those feelings of loneliness, irritation, resentment and depression were starting to kick in for both of us. As this began to happen I was suddenly laid off of work and the pandemic began a few weeks later. We were now forced to stay in our little apartment almost all of the time unless she was at work. We made our attempts to make the best of the situation, but it didn't take long for things to go south. Too much tension had built up with little desire left to do anything about it. As a result, we had the inevitable conversation about ending the relationship.

Even though this relationship is over, I don't want to think of it as a failure. We both grew as people and will walk away better off in most areas than we were when we first met. I suppose we were just better at the partnership aspect of the relationship more than anything else. We've given each other time to find a place and are working together to ease the transition. I'm happy that we're able to be civil and understanding but I can't help but think of the day when she drives off, or the first day that I settle into my new home, alone, without waking up to her or having our morning coffee together.

I'm not even sure why i'm writing this. I guess I just needed to get it out. Any thoughts on this or related experiences?

Thanks for reading.

Sorry to hear this. How long do you have to live together before you can move? You've given it every chance but some things must come to an end.

After nearly four years together, my relationship with my girlfriend has come to a mutual end. We've given each other time to find a place and are working together to ease the transition. I can't help but think of the day when she drives off, or the first day that I settle into my new home, alone, without waking up to her or having our morning coffee together.

 

Sorry about all this.

I can relate to a lot here, as someone who does not believe that relationships that come to an end are failures. In my own life, my best relationships have been pretty great connections that, for various reasons, ran their course, as it sounds like this one did. Have found the majority of partings to be pretty respectful as well—more melancholic than laden with wrath, as seems to be the case with yours.

As the old saying goes, no matter how far you run you always have to deal with yourself, which applies as well to relationships. Sounds a bit, at least from what you've offered, like you guys dealt with things, at times, by running: traveling here, resettling there, and experiencing quite a bit of essential growth, together and as individuals, in the process. But perhaps the thing you were trying to work through and run from was a seed of incompatibility—there throughout, eventually impossible to ignore, like a pebble in a shoe. As you reflect on the past years, and feel through the feelings, perhaps you get a greater sense of what you need—a thing to be grateful for, even in the wake of this.

Of course, as people evolve they end up needing new things, or discovering things they need. The mystery of relationships, I think, is finding someone with whom the discovery of those new needs and corners of yourself can happen together, inside the relations, rather than lead to separation. Ultimately, I'm not sure if there's a formula for that, so much as doing whatever we need to do to stay open to the possibility and to believe that past connections are steps toward future ones.

Wishing you the best on this journey.

Sorry to hear this. How long do you have to live together before you can move? You've given it every chance but some things must come to an end.

Our lease was up in March so we're good to go whenever, but we ultimately decided to move in July.

Sorry about all this.

 

I can relate to a lot here, as someone who does not believe that relationships that come to an end are failures. In my own life, my best relationships have been pretty great connections that, for various reasons, ran their course, as it sounds like this one did. Have found the majority of partings to be pretty respectful as well—more melancholic than laden with wrath, as seems to be the case with yours.

 

As the old saying goes, no matter how far you run you always have to deal with yourself, which applies as well to relationships. Sounds a bit, at least from what you've offered, like you guys dealt with things, at times, by running: traveling here, resettling there, and experiencing quite a bit of essential growth, together and as individuals, in the process. But perhaps the thing you were trying to work through and run from was a seed of incompatibility—there throughout, eventually impossible to ignore, like a pebble in a shoe. As you reflect on the past years, and feel through the feelings, perhaps you get a greater sense of what you need—a thing to be grateful for, even in the wake of this.

 

Of course, as people evolve they end up needing new things, or discovering things they need. The mystery of relationships, I think, is finding someone with whom the discovery of those new needs and corners of yourself can happen together, inside the relations, rather than lead to separation. Ultimately, I'm not sure if there's a formula for that, so much as doing whatever we need to do to stay open to the possibility and to believe that past connections are steps toward future ones.

 

Wishing you the best on this journey.

Very well said. I appreciate the response, especially the bit about us running from ourselves. The "seed of incompatibility" was certainly there the entire time, yet, it was our goals and personal needs that made us compatible long enough to experience four years of life together. Ultimately, parting ways was inevitable. We just had such good momentum at times and progress - on many fronts - was being made, so why question a good thing, right? Well, to be fair, we were both very much aware of the probable outcome, but made the conscious choice to ride it out. No regrets on either end.