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My gf responds at length to guys DM's. She is not explicitly flirting back.


Cornelius7

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We have been dating for a few months. We have a fantastic relationship thus far and this is the only disagreement we've had, I do not believe when she is doing this she has any intent to act on anything or say anything explicitly inappropriate to these guys, I think she just likes the attention.

 

As I said this is the only disagreement we've had and at that it was not heated. She was responding to a guy like this while I was with her, I noticed and called her out on it. She volunteered the messages to show there was nothing explicit in them (I did not ask or prompt her to do that). I said it was hurtful because everyone knows when a guy you don't know/barely know DM's you on social media and attempts to get a long form conversation going, it is not "innocent" when you are in a relationship to respond continuously until he says something that is explicitly sexual, non - platonic etc. The implication of why he's messaging is crystal clear, therefore responding to him at length is even if you do not say anything explicitly flirtatious, is nevertheless not fair towards your partner. I told her the equivalent was if a woman I knew full well was messaging me attempting to do the same thing and I kept responding until she propositioned me. I said I would not do this because I would feel no desire to, and I feel it would be so disrespectful to our relationship that I would not even entertain the notion of doing it in my wildest dreams. She accepted what I said, seen the reason in it, and apologised.

 

The issue is that in recent conversations around this kind of thing I get the impression that there isn't full consensus on where the line is with this if randomers/guys she barely knows etc message her going forward. My feeling is if it's a stranger you don't respond, why would you, what reason could they have for messaging you other than the obvious answer? If it's someone you barely know, be cordial with a few messages, but once they attempt to engage in long form conversation, asking how your day is going etc it becomes inappropriate. So it hasn't become an issue but I'm worried it will due to the lack of clear consensus on what the boundaries are, and I’m willing to admit I’m only human, I fear if this goes unaddressed I will become paranoid about it and in the long run make things much worse or start to see things that are not there.

 

I want to sit down and iron it out with her before it becomes an issue. I very much value the relationship and think there's something very good with her. I don't want a misunderstanding about something like this to cause an unnecessarily big problem when our relationship is still in the early stages.

 

Also just to clarify, I have no issue with guys DMing her, she's a beautiful woman and I take it as a compliment, my issue is with her responding to them, even if she only responds until it becomes non - platonic simply because the implication of what's going on is so clear. Secondly, this is not a control issue, it is from my perspective a matter of respect. I would not do the same thing were the roles reversed out of respect for her and our relationship, I feel I am entitled in a relationship to the same degree of respect I give to my partner.

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Yes, it's important to have a discussion about relationship boundaries when you are deciding to become exclusive to see if you're on the same page. Have that discussion and see if you two agree about ALL the details. If not, she's not your match so it'll be best to move on until you find a woman who shares your ideas on boundaries.

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Sounds like you know what you need to do here, which is to sit down and calmly talk out this issue a bit more, and make sure you're on the same page in terms of how to respond to Insta randoms. You want to be in a relationship where there is one response to such pokes—nothing—in order to ensure the relationship has the boundaries needed to keep building trust and respect. Then you listen to her. If you feel heard, understood, on the same page—great. If you don't—well, not so great, but let's you know that you don't have compatible operating systems.

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You and I and every male around knows these guys want to bang your gf so that is why this is not okay. I am sure she likes the attention but isn't seeking attention from other men a boundary issue while in a relationship? What type of photos does she post?

 

It does come down to boundaries but everyone's boundaries are different. This is the type of conversation couples need to have to avoid misunderstanding and problems.

 

I would ask her how many of these conversations (percentage wise) turn sexual sooner or later. I would guess 99.9 percent so that proves what you and I know that these guys are after sex.

 

Have the boundaries talk and see where she stands. If you two cannot agree on some basic respectful boundaries for the relationship then how long do you think you will tolerate her seeking attention of other men?

 

Sometimes it is a growth type of thing where people need to grow into the relationship. Lets say they have been single a while and are used to that lifestyle but now they are in a relationship and they haven't adjusted totally to what that entails.

 

Keep talking calmly and see how the conversations go.

 

Lost

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Honestly, why? You've only been dating a few months and you're already at the verge of sitting her down and explaining to her like a child why it's conventionally inappropriate to entertain by and large strange men cold calling her on Instagram. You've already made your feelings known. Giving her the benefit for a double-digit IQ, she should be able to interprosonally surmise your feelings behind your misgivings.

 

And in any case, if she's legit not flirting and pulling back once they seize the opportunity to hit on her, you're even moreso in no position to guilt her into foregoing the communication she prefers. Obviously you and I would quickly chalk it up to an attention fix, but there's nothing wrong with it beyond what we feel is wrong with it. You can talk about your boundaries, but at the end of the day, she's showing you hers. You're much better off taking it or leaving it.

 

Trust me as someone who's been there and done that, dating and relationships get a whole lot more enjoyable once you start living and letting live. You'll have much more success investing in women who are naturally inclined to your preferences than women who you've got to sit down mere months in and coax them to act right per your comfort zone.

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Honestly, why? You've only been dating a few months and you're already at the verge of sitting her down and explaining to her like a child why it's conventionally inappropriate to entertain by and large strange men cold calling her on Instagram. You've already made your feelings known. Giving her the benefit for a double-digit IQ, she should be able to interprosonally surmise your feelings behind your misgivings.

 

And in any case, if she's legit not flirting and pulling back once they seize the opportunity to hit on her, you're even moreso in no position to guilt her into foregoing the communication she prefers. Obviously you and I would quickly chalk it up to an attention fix, but there's nothing wrong with it beyond what we feel is wrong with it. You can talk about your boundaries, but at the end of the day, she's showing you hers. You're much better off taking it or leaving it.

 

Trust me as someone who's been there and done that, dating and relationships get a whole lot more enjoyable once you start living and letting live. You'll have much more success investing in women who are naturally inclined to your preferences than women who you've got to sit down mere months in and coax them to act right per your comfort zone.

 

Very much ^this. She is showing you very clearly through her actions what her boundaries are - chit chat is ok, flirting or more is not. The guy's intentions here are completely irrelevant. You can't stop men from hitting on an attractive woman. Trust me when I say it happens constantly - at a gas station, in the grocery store, at work, out socializing, literally everywhere. It's not about men and what they are doing, it's about how far she is willing to take it. She has shown you how far it goes - friendly only.

 

Now, you either can accept it or you cannot. You already told her how you feel. Telling her again, trying to lecture, guilt her, reason with her, plead with her - all that IS trying to control her. I actually find it interesting that you jumped in preemptively in your post saying that you aren't controlling. I call bs on that. You are trying to control.

 

This is really a take it or leave it situation. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person, only not a match for each other.

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Sorry to hear this. You need to simply observe rather than police her communication. You are at risk for appearing possessive, controlling, jealous and insecure. Hardly "a fantastic relationship". You may have to get used to the fact that people talk to and have opposite sex friends, acquaintances, coworkers etc. Is she initiating and flirty and on dating sites, etc?

 

She is not coming on to them. Your argument is that anyone who contacts her is after one thing therefore it's not "fair" to you. Once you start policing her social media and communications the relationship is dead in the water. Then she feels like a prisoner and loses respect for you, thus creating your ownself-fulfilling prophecy that she will leave, but because of your insecurity not pings on social media.

We have been dating for a few months.

 

I said it was hurtful because everyone knows...

is nevertheless not fair towards your partner.

My feeling is if it's a stranger you don't respond, why would you, what reason could they have for messaging you other than the obvious answer?

I want to sit down and iron it out with her before it becomes an issue.

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This is why we date...it's a try out, to see if they treat us the way we want to be treated, etc.Complaining about it isn't going to change anything. She doesn't respect the relationship, and isn't all that into you if she is easily interested in chatting with random guys. She's obviously not the one for you.

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The problem is she doesn't exercise discretion nor does she have complete sincere loyalty and devotion to you. It's more than just lack of boundaries. There is a lack of integrity. Sure, she's externally beautiful but beauty is only skin deep. She's does not possess a beautiful mind. Her personality and character are flawed. You can't change her. Either accept her as is or search for a lady who knows how to behave with proper respect, empathy and consideration. The choice is yours.

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