Really struggling with this situation

Hellloo! A few weeks ago I matched with this girl on a dating app and we really hit it off. We call and text everyday but we also video message at the end of our work weeks to have a drink and a chat. So we’ve really gotten to know each other.

Yesterday we decided to meet up via social distancing at a shop we both use (We stood far apart from each other). But before we met up I decided to go to a bigger shop to get her a gift cause she’s been having a tough week. So just a bit of background I have hypochondria so this lockdown with Covid-19 has been really difficult for me. I won’t go to shops because of the fear of getting the virus. But I thought I really like her and she’s having a hard time so I’ll do it.

So we meet up at this shop but it was incredibly busy and smaller than I remembered so I just completely shut down and it wasn’t the greatest of meet ups basically. I felt awful about it.

So when I got home we talked on the phone and she started to cry saying how I wasn’t upfront with her. So this just made me feel worse. She messaged me after saying how she had this problem with her ex, that she was starting to trust me and fall for me. Then she just started getting angry towards me to which I said I don’t appreciate being compared to her exes when I’m my own person and can own up to my faults.

So now I think she’s broken it off. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to talk but then messages me moments later. I’ve just left it now because I’d rather talk about it than argue.

I just struggle to be open with my emotions because I feel every time I do open up I feel I get taken advantage of. But I really tried with her. My friends have said I haven’t done anything wrong but I feel I have. She put a lot of trust in me and I ruined it.

She sounds manipulative and mean. Like the kind of girl who will ether cry or scream in order to get her own way. But she's most definitely NOT mature and will never be understanding of your situation with going out.

Don't just walk away, run. You don't want a control freak like this. If she can't be understanding at all and behaves this way, thank your lucky stars she's gone.

Why on earth would you even consider speaking to her again after she compared you badly to her ex's , used crying to manipulate and behave badly, got angry at not getting her own way and was not fair whatsoever??

Surely you can't be that desperate for a date. There are loads of other girls, someone will be a lot nicer than her.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I just wasn’t sure if it was my fault of not. She said on the way home she felt as if she had done something wrong which wasn’t the case. I was terrified of the situation. Once I explained this I thought she would see the lengths I went to to see her.

We just had a really good connection but now I feel emotionally beaten up. But I can see the writing on the wall here.

Sorry to hear this. Many first meets turn out to be one-and-done. The hypochondria is something you need to control hopefully through therapy, don't expect others to view overcoming it as something that deserves special merit.

I was terrified of the situation. Once I explained this I thought she would see the lengths I went to to see her.

If she is not comfortable now maybe its better to end this now than later so dont beat yourself on what happened. She shouldn't be talking about her exs first of all feels she is not over her past. Leave her for now no fault of yours head high man

So we meet up at this shop but it was incredibly busy and smaller than I remembered so I just completely shut down and it wasn’t the greatest of meet ups basically. I felt awful about it.

Can you explain what this means, exactly? Did you not talk, or just left, or?

Can you explain what this means, exactly? Did you not talk, or just left, or?

Basically I just became really unfocused and couldn’t hold a conversation that well.

If she is not comfortable now maybe its better to end this now than later so dont beat yourself on what happened. She shouldn't be talking about her exs first of all feels she is not over her past. Leave her for now no fault of yours head high man

That’s what I thought. Like I don’t mind exes being mentioned, but I feel drawing comparisons was really hurtful.

Don't beat yourself up about this...I did internet dating for a couple of years. Messaging and talking on the phone are great but often when you meet the person in the real world it's just not what you or she thought it would be. Unfortunately we do seem to invest a lot of ourselves into the run up before a date only to find its just not right. Especially at the moment during these extraordinary times. She shouldn't be unloading baggage and pigeon holing you at this stage. Things should be light hearted and easy going, you've got years to be mundane & agro in the future if at all. Move on & get back on the dating and learn from this, don't overthink stuff and enjoy life.

What you did wrong is set yourself up to fail. Don't try dating in the middle of a quarantine and don't get involved in online, digital relationships.

All that chatting may feel like you really know the person, but you don't. It is always an illusion.

The first time you met in real life, you discovered immediately that she is not a nice person to put it politely. Good on you for standing up for yourself and calling her out on it. The whole crying fit - it doesn't sound like she is even remotely over her ex and is carrying major toxic baggage that she used to beat you up with.

Since you've just barely met and it's already this ugly, I'd walk away from this fast in your shoes. Healthy relationships don't start out with this kind of drama.

Going forward though, be sure that you avoid lengthy online chat where you start to develop an attachment to a complete stranger. Meet up quickly and accept that most people you meet will not be a match and that's normal. If for whatever reason meeting up fairly quickly can't happen, then put dating on pause and focus on other things in your life.

What everyone else is saying.

This is a strange time to try to date, so perhaps one of the lessons here is to press pause on all that until the smoke clears a bit more. Probably just a few more weeks. Then the hypochondriac stuff won't be too much in the mix, and neither will you form false attachments over screens, which never sets things up for much more than a crash when URL is switched out for IRL.

That said, good on you for seeing this for what it is: a person who is in no state to date, as she seems to be using dating as a stage to replay past relationships. We've all been there. Could share some funny stories if we were sitting (six feet apart!) around a campfire, but suffice to say she showed you her unclaimed baggage and you responded correctly. Inhale, exhale, shake it off.

She was disappointed is all, and was quiet distraught that it ended up the way it did. She should have handled her disappointment a little better but her expectations were so high, it all just crashed on her. Nothing you can do about it. It's obvious she doesn't want to date someone who had the same issues as her ex...it is what it is. Yes it sucks, but you are just going to have to leave it alone. She might relax and come around later...only time will tell.

BUT this is why we have a first date or dates....to really see what and who each other are all about. It's not always going to be what you expect..oh well, onward you go. Life is too short to fritter your time away on the why or what I could have done.

So she text me while I was at work saying she deleted me off social media. So I said that’s fine and I hope she finds someone. To which she started to kick off again saying that she didn’t want this to happen and she kinda blamed my mental health. I just said I wasn’t going to argue and wished her the best.

Thank you all for the kind replies. I really do appreciate it!

So she text me while I was at work saying she deleted me off social media. So I said that’s fine and I hope she finds someone. To which she started to kick off again saying that she didn’t want this to happen and she kinda blamed my mental health. I just said I wasn’t going to argue and wished her the best.

 

Thank you all for the kind replies. I really do appreciate it!

I think you've handled this with a good deal of dignity and grace, which makes you quite a catch for the right woman who can see that and value that. As for this girl....you so dodged a bullet. Head high and forward and upward. Online dating takes a bit of thick skin and a good deal of sense of humor as you will come across a lot of crazy out there. You just have to shrug that off and keep on going....well....not during quarantine times, but you get the idea.

I think you've handled this with a good deal of dignity and grace, which makes you quite a catch for the right woman who can see that and value that. As for this girl....you so dodged a bullet. Head high and forward and upward. Online dating takes a bit of thick skin and a good deal of sense of humor as you will come across a lot of crazy out there. You just have to shrug that off and keep on going....well....not during quarantine times, but you get the idea.

Thank you, that’s very kind. I said to my friends there need for me to be antagonistic. Haha, totally agree! Will not be doing quarantine dating again! Just gonna FaceTime my friends and chill :)

She sounds like a drama queen with baggage. Steer clear because she is high maintenance.

Diplomatically sever ties with her. Text or write to her that you "both of you are incompatible, you wish her all the best and it's time to go your separate ways." Then ignore, ghost, block and delete. Be done with her.

She sounds like a drama queen with baggage. Steer clear because she is high maintenance.

 

Diplomatically sever ties with her. Text or write to her that you "both of you are incompatible, you wish her all the best and it's time to go your separate ways." Then ignore, ghost, block and delete. Be done with her.

I just said I didn’t wish to argue and hope she finds someone

I have hypochondria so this lockdown with Covid-19 has been really difficult for me. I won’t go to shops because of the fear of getting the virus... I just completely shut down and it wasn’t the greatest of meet ups basically... I just struggle to be open with my emotions

I'm going to give a different opinion here. It sounds like one of those first dates that many people have had, whereby the person they met in real life didn't match up with the one they'd gotten to know over a pixelated screen. To be honest, if I'd met up with someone who acted really strangely or didn't engage in conversation but didn't tell me why until afterwards, it would put me off a second date. I would be thinking that if he was like that on a first date then there was every chance he'd be like it again, and if I'd been in a relationship with someone else who was like that and didn't find it comfortable to be around then I wouldn't want to get into anything. She has every right to decide she doesn't want to meet up again and although I agree it was unfair of her to bring up her ex, I can kind of understand her frustration. My ex was someone who considered himself "ill" if he had a bloodshot eye and he would cancel dates because of it or met me and spoil the evening by being in a bad mood. He refused to do get any help and it got very draining to deal with. Don't be that guy - seek out some help for your health anxiety before you consider meeting up with anyone else.

So you explained to the girl afterwards that you felt anxious and that's why you hardly spoke? In my opinion she sounds immature and dramatic. She's a big drama queen. You really did your best to have that date. You were trying to fight your hypochondria, you came out to the shops and you got her a gift.

To be honest many people are really scared to go to the shops now because coronavirus is very serious. So not just you but this is a very normal reaction for anyone to have at the moment. I think it was really nice of you to get her a gift. Sounds like she didn't appreciate all the effort you made for her at all. Very petulant girl.

It's nerve wrecking to go on a date in general, but let alone one where you just have to stand far apart in a shop. And you can't even relax and sit down in a cafe or anything. You really did your best and I commend you for that. Besides, if she doesn't understand about mental health, how could it work out? You need someone empathetic who will support you. Clearly this girl won't.

I'm going to give a different opinion here. It sounds like one of those first dates that many people have had, whereby the person they met in real life didn't match up with the one they'd gotten to know over a pixelated screen. To be honest, if I'd met up with someone who acted really strangely or didn't engage in conversation but didn't tell me why until afterwards, it would put me off a second date. I would be thinking that if he was like that on a first date then there was every chance he'd be like it again, and if I'd been in a relationship with someone else who was like that and didn't find it comfortable to be around then I wouldn't want to get into anything. She has every right to decide she doesn't want to meet up again and although I agree it was unfair of her to bring up her ex, I can kind of understand her frustration. My ex was someone who considered himself "ill" if he had a bloodshot eye and he would cancel dates because of it or met me and spoil the evening by being in a bad mood. He refused to do get any help and it got very draining to deal with. Don't be that guy - seek out some help for your health anxiety before you consider meeting up with anyone else.

I never said she didn’t have a right 🤷♂️

So you explained to the girl afterwards that you felt anxious and that's why you hardly spoke? In my opinion she sounds immature and dramatic. She's a big drama queen. You really did your best to have that date. You were trying to fight your hypochondria, you came out to the shops and you got her a gift.

 

To be honest many people are really scared to go to the shops now because coronavirus is very serious. So not just you but this is a very normal reaction for anyone to have at the moment. I think it was really nice of you to get her a gift. Sounds like she didn't appreciate all the effort you made for her at all. Very petulant girl.

 

It's nerve wrecking to go on a date in general, but let alone one where you just have to stand far apart in a shop. And you can't even relax and sit down in a cafe or anything. You really did your best and I commend you for that. Besides, if she doesn't understand about mental health, how could it work out? You need someone empathetic who will support you. Clearly this girl won't.

Thank you. As I said before, I did try a shop earlier in the day to get her a gift because she’d been having a hard time at work and I felt fine, a little on edge but fine. I should’ve factored in the shop I met her in was smaller, but I got caught up in the excitement leading up to it. I felt as if where the previous shop wasn’t a big deal, there was no need to tell her because I had it under control.

I just felt like I was being branded as a liar because I didn’t tell her everything about myself in the 3 weeks we were talking. I fully understand I’m not a perfect person but whaling on someone’s mental health because things didn’t go her way is a bit excessive.