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Am I totally overthinking this??


cindyloowho

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My bf and I have been dating for 2.5 years. We met in college and we are just about to graduate. Our relationship has been good, but we get in little arguments every few months or so. He is very smart and tries really hard in school and in life, so I know that none of the problems in our relationship is that he is lazy, I think there is something else going on, or maybe it's me. But, we love each other a lot and we are now just finishing college, so the real world is coming up. We are going long distance for our jobs and that might be why I am feeling so anxious about our future together. He wants me to eventually move up to where he will be because he thinks it will be easier for me to find a job. While this is probably true, it rubs me the wrong way that he won't be putting in equal effort to find a job near me. This is kinda a metaphor for our whole relationship. I feel like I always give more than he does. I always go to his apartment (we live separately) instead of him coming to mine. And when I'm at his apartment I always feel like I'm cleaning or tidying something since I'm neater than he is. While he never asked me to do this and sometimes he seems appreciative, I wish it was noticed more often. I feel like I have to nag him to even come over to my apartment and sometimes I feel like I'm nagging all the time. But, on the flip side is that he never makes decisions. He always asks me where I want to eat or what I want to do that night. In my mind, it seems like he is trying to give me the control that I desire by letting me make these decisions, but it's driving me crazy because all I want him to do is stop acting like a child. I want him to make a choice, clean up after himself, come to my apartment, maybe plan a date night.

 

I think this has also hurt our sex life because he doesn't turn me on anymore. There’s no tension build up, there’s no desire, there’s no crave. He never plans anything romantic or date nights. I know our life isn't a rom com so I don't expect anything too crazy. He has even described me as low maintenance. We used to go on some fun date nights before, but it always seemed like I planned them. Once I stopped planning them or asking to go places it stopped happening. I think he thinks I'm not interested anymore and that he is being a gentleman and letting me figure out plans, but I wish he would just surprise me once in a while and not just on Valentine's Day or our Anniversary when I ask for a surprise date night. I know he cares about me, because he will give me back rubs when I say my back is sore from working out and will cuddle when we watch a movie. We both like to cook so we cook dinner together a lot, those are our "date nights" now which are nice, but not the same.

 

And today I basically blew up on him and told him that my biggest insecurity is that I want to feel wanted, I want to feel like I can depend on him, and I feel like we’re just friends. Maybe I'm just way overthinking it and it might be the quarantine talking, but I feel like I'm not asking for big things. I'm asking for him to pick up after himself, be more spontaneous, take some initiative in dates and in our relationship, and I want to feel like I can depend on him. Was I right to bring this up to him, or should I have waited to see how things played out in a few months? Am I just totally overthinking it?

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I don’t think it’s your place to tell him to clean up after himself at his apartment.

But bear in mind if you do move in with him , that is who he is.

And if you move in with him, don’t start doing his laundry etc because so far he is doing that himself lol

 

As for being more spontaneous, he just isn’t that guy. And never will be.

He isn’t a forward planner either.

He is who he is.

It’s not up to you to change him , it’s up to you to accept him or not.

 

As for who goes to whose apartment. Well if you lived together that wouldn’t be an issue.

However you don’t and will soon be long distance. Who will do the travelling then? Will that be shared?

That is something you need to discuss before going long distance.

 

In saying that , why do you go to his apartment all the time? Does it make more sense logistically?

You are partly to blame by going to his all the time?

Since you cook together, who does the food shop for that?

Why don’t you buy in food and ask him over for dinner?

If you did , would he refuse?

Do either of you house share or live alone?

There are lots of things that might contribute in favour of going to his over yours or vice versa?

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Long distance relationships are hard and he does not want to work where you are. Stop mothering and cleaning. When you step back and stop mothering smothering and controlling everything, he may step up... or not. Let the distance be a nice way to decide of you want to mommy a peter pan.

when I'm at his apartment I always feel like I'm cleaning or tidying something since I'm neater than he is. all I want him to do is stop acting like a child.
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I think you do the cleaning he doesn't ask for because you like the benefit of being the "martyr" - you like telling yourself what a great girlfriend, what a caring person you are to make sure his apartment is neat to your standards, etc. You want him to notice something he didn't ask for, at his place. And you also have different cleaning standards. I get it.

If you like to clean then clean as long as you're not disturbing his mess -meaning don't move his stuff around because even non-neat/cluttered people often know where their stuff is and there's a method to their madness. Keep yourself clean and keep the things clean that directly affect you - use clean dishes for yourself, clean sheets, etc. But please stop playing house and then telling yourself you do more for him and he doesn't notice you.

My husband and I have very different standards of cleanliness - I think I actually do the minimum here but he thinks I clean too often so he's not going to thank me for scrubbing the floor three times a week. Etc If you marry it might work out best to throw money at the problem if you can afford to hire a house cleaner. We do in non covid times. Twice a month. And we declitter for the cleaner which helps too. It really cuts down on arguments about cleaning.

If you live together in the future figure out what feels fair - not necessarily “equal” and figure out how you’re going to discuss stuff when things need to be tweaked.

We have had to do that because of this virus. Totally different schedules now. Totally different cleaning protocols. It does not always feel fair to me. A few weeks ago I realized that even thought behind the scenes work felt unnoticed - I was exhausted !!- he actually was doing a lot more than typical with our son home full time. So neither of us “noticed”.

It could be the relationship has run its course. I’m just giving my opinion on your penchant to play house at his place and your resentment.

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Yeah....you aren't asking for much from him....just to be a completely different person from who he actually is. Small tiny little thing. Why can't he just up and totally morph into a different person for you? Gosh....I just don't know. Such a simple request.

 

Sarcasm aside, harsh reality is that your relationship has already run its course and this moving away from each other for work is a good time to simply move on completely. Go live your life, meet new people, date, embrace your new life in the new place, find a guy who is actually exactly who you want him to be without any requests, etc. Leave this guy free to do the same. You both deserve good partners and love, but you aren't that to each other and now that you've dated this long, you know this beyond the shadow of the doubt. You just aren't compatible in some pretty important fundamental ways and those incompatibilities are really starting to grate, drive resentments, and cause petty fights. This isn't going to get better for you two, only worse if you keep at it.

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I realized that I need to let him be him and not change him for who he is. Now I need to figure out how I tell him that and fix what I texted him yesterday

 

How are you going to fix your resentment, your desires and feeling unfulfilled in this relationship? I hope that you realize that what you want is valid and normal, you are just dating a guy who can't give you what you need because he is not like that. He might be a great guy, but he can't live up to what you need because that's not his personality.

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How are you going to fix your resentment, your desires and feeling unfulfilled in this relationship? I hope that you realize that what you want is valid and normal, you are just dating a guy who can't give you what you need because he is not like that. He might be a great guy, but he can't live up to what you need because that's not his personality.

 

I'm not sure... he's just such a great guy. I love his friends, he makes me laugh, we have fun together, his family is great, my family thinks he's great, i could go on and on about how much I love about him. I guess I never realized that I had so much resentment and unfilled needs until I started thinking about it which is why I made my initial post. I feel like when I have these desires for more from him, it's not fair to ask for more, but if he won't give me more than no one will ever will, because no one will ever love me enough to. I know that's not true, but it's where my mind goes. Maybe you're right and our personalities just don't mix, but his personality was what made me fall in love with him in the first place, so right now it's hard to accept that.

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I think there's a point—never totally clear, always sad—when you have to admit that something has run its course. You may be there, with him. You may not be. In the end, it's really only something you can decide.

 

That said, while DF was being sarcastic, I did have a similar thought: that the "one thing" you'd really like here is for him to be...someone he is not. Could be that you've each grown and changed, or could be that, in looking back, that your foundation was not built on him coming regularly up with fun date nights or being spontaneous—qualities, along with cleanliness, that you've now learned you need more than you knew at the time.

 

There is nothing wrong with everything you want. Trying to convince yourself that not enough is enough, however, is just a recipe for a friction-filled relationship: petty squabbles, simmering resentments, and so on. So just be honest with yourself, so you can be honest with him.

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I'm not sure... he's just such a great guy. I love his friends, he makes me laugh, we have fun together, his family is great, my family thinks he's great, i could go on and on about how much I love about him. I guess I never realized that I had so much resentment and unfilled needs until I started thinking about it which is why I made my initial post. I feel like when I have these desires for more from him, it's not fair to ask for more, but if he won't give me more than no one will ever will, because no one will ever love me enough to. I know that's not true, but it's where my mind goes. Maybe you're right and our personalities just don't mix, but his personality was what made me fall in love with him in the first place, so right now it's hard to accept that.

 

You are listing a lot of external factors as positives - his friends, his family, what other people think. Problem is that you aren't in a relationship with them, you are in a relationship with him. Things like he makes me laugh or we have fun together are also great, but rather superficial - you have that with your friends and lots of other people in your life as well.

 

When you marry someone, you live with them every day. So those daily habits, needs, desires need to mesh because there are a lot of every day and not so many let's go out and have fun days.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't eve dare advise you to drop this relationship right now because you aren't ready. However, I do hope that you give some very serious thought to how you are feeling - those resentments, those needs, etc.

 

Don't marry someone just because you've been dating a long time and you've become comfortable without being fulfilled. Perhaps when you move away from each other, that space and new people will help you get a fresh perspective in either direction.

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I feel like when I have these desires for more from him, it's not fair to ask for more, but if he won't give me more than no one will ever will, because no one will ever love me enough to. I know that's not true, but it's where my mind goes.

 

I'd try to look at this differently. Replace "more" with "enough," or "what I need," so it doesn't become some wildly unattainable goal, or "unfair" ask, in your head.

 

Most people are pretty "great," at least in my opinion of humans, but that doesn't mean they are great for us, forever and ever. The ingredients required for that are personal, nuanced, and part of the reason relationships from our teen years rarely stretch into deep adulthood is because, as teens, we hardly know what we need, what is enough for us. We're still learning that, and sometimes, sadly, we learn that through the experiment of connection and disconnection.

 

That's not me saying cut the cord tomorrow, but just to be open to the idea that it's okay to want what you want, need what you need, so you can process this period along those lines instead of switching from punishing yourself (for wanting too much) or punishing him (for giving too little). People are just people, wanting what they want, giving what they have to give. Two people who work together work, generally, because what they've got to give lines up with, and exceeds, what another naturally wants.

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What you've described is a man that is very passive. Where he lacks you make up for and the term martyr for you is appropriate.

If you imagine two chess pieces, you keep moving in to make up the space that he lacks. You resent being the one to go his way, to make the decisions and to basically carry the weight of the relationship'

 

What would happen if you didn't? What would happen if instead of complaining and driving this bus, you let go. Have the expectation that he meets you have way and comes to your apartment and if he hesitates, don't rush in the fill in the gap. Back off, give him a chance to step up and if he doesn't - Oh well, I guess you'll be enjoying a night alone for a change.

 

He may never be the alpha male you are hoping for, but you at least need to step back and sit on your hands to give him the opportunity to meet you half way.

 

You are part of this dance, you need to change your steps.

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That's not me saying cut the cord tomorrow, but just to be open to the idea that it's okay to want what you want, need what you need, so you can process this period along those lines instead of switching from punishing yourself (for wanting too much) or punishing him (for giving too little). People are just people, wanting what they want, giving what they have to give. Two people who work together work, generally, because what they've got to give lines up with, and exceeds, what another naturally wants.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't eve dare advise you to drop this relationship right now because you aren't ready. However, I do hope that you give some very serious thought to how you are feeling - those resentments, those needs, etc.

 

I'm glad both of you said not to break up right now because I think that would break my own heart. I think I need to some major soul searching I think about what I truly want. Thank you

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What you've described is a man that is very passive. Where he lacks you make up for and the term martyr for you is appropriate.

If you imagine two chess pieces, you keep moving in to make up the space that he lacks. You resent being the one to go his way, to make the decisions and to basically carry the weight of the relationship'

 

What would happen if you didn't? What would happen if instead of complaining and driving this bus, you let go. Have the expectation that he meets you have way and comes to your apartment and if he hesitates, don't rush in the fill in the gap. Back off, give him a chance to step up and if he doesn't - Oh well, I guess you'll be enjoying a night alone for a change.

 

He may never be the alpha male you are hoping for, but you at least need to step back and sit on your hands to give him the opportunity to meet you half way.

 

You are part of this dance, you need to change your steps.

 

This is such great advice. I'd imagine that if you change your step a bit, you'll get some clarity as you search the soul and examine how much space for growth there is in this connection.

 

Think of a relationship, and a relationship dynamic, a bit like a plant. You put in the corner, water it, and for a while it seems to be growing well. Then it wilts a bit, the leaves brown. You move it a bit, so it gets a bit more light on a dark section, and then you observe. Does it grow more, differently, or not?

 

Real action, real answers, as opposed to grinding mental and emotional gears.

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I'm glad both of you said not to break up right now because I think that would break my own heart. I think I need to some major soul searching I think about what I truly want. Thank you

 

At 21 you are still very very young and sometimes, these long term relationships are like stepping stones. They allow us to learn more about ourselves - who we are, what we need, what's important, what we can and cannot live with. Who is and isn't the right long term partner for us. What matters, what's superficial. Lots of food for thought.

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This is such great advice. I'd imagine that if you change your step a bit, you'll get some clarity as you search the soul and examine how much space for growth there is in this connection.

I speak from experience. I was the selfless, self sacrificing, resentful martyr in my marriage.

I wore it like a badge.

Until I went to therapy.

That old adage, we teach people how to treat us, applies here. I was a big part of the problem.

 

So. . I started adjusting and changing my expectations. I started speaking up responsibly. I had to step back and let go. It was painful for a good while because many things crashed and burned in the process. It was difficult to resist going into damage control, at the same time it was an eye opening experience.

 

My ex wasn't passive, he just super irresponsible and unaccountable. I, in turn had been making up for everything and reinforcing his bad behavior. Though our outcome wasn't good, the alternative wasn't working either.

 

You are young. .change (not a miracle) is possible but it's not easy to undo this dynamic that you two are entrenched in.

 

Divorcing at 42, my ex didn't know how to balance check book. . that's how bad it was.

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Update: we talked for a little bit and to my surprise he wasn't mad at me at all. He wanted to see where I was coming from and I explained how I overstepped how some things and how I'm not going to do that anymore and I missed the spark we had when we first started dating and he heard me out and agreed that we are missing that spark and our relationship had changed. We agreed that we need to do a better job communicating and appreciating the small things. I realized that he can't read my mind, he had no idea that I felt this way and that if I need something I should speak up. I reassured him that I don't want to change him and even though he said that I haven't been, I can now take the step to catch myself when I do. So all is well in the world. Thank you for all of the advice! I really appreciate it

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Face it, your bf is a lazy, selfish slob. :upset: Since you've already implored him to change for you and he refuses, he is who he is warts and all. "A leopard cannot change its spots."

 

Nothing will change. Sure he's smart but in the relationship department, he's lazy. He wants you to move for him yet he won't move for you. Well, how about a compromise and meet in the middle? How about a geographical location that is in the middle?

 

You always go to his apartment while he doesn't want to hassle going to your apartment because it is inconvenient for him. Wow, what a guy! :eek:

 

You're always cleaning and tidying while he has no qualms to make messes and live like a slob. He's more like your son and you are in mother mode. He won't change his home habits for you. He prefers to have the "lived in" look for his home life. He's a slob and depends on you to clean up after him like an unpaid maid-house cleaner. He makes messes while you clean it up. What a deal!

 

He lacks romance and never plans anything. He always defers to you. It requires less effort for him to constantly defer to you. This is selfishness on his part because he doesn't care to think and plan for the two of you. It's easier for you to figure it out all the time.

 

You both enjoy cooking which is nice but I agree, it's not the same as "date nights" on the town.

 

No, you're not overthinking. He doesn't put forth the same effort and consideration for you. He depends on you to do all the work which is unfair.

 

My long time husband and I prefer a neat, clean, tidy, orderly house. Chores are caught up, laundry is done and we prefer an organized, decluttered home life. This is how we were raised and this is our comfortable, suburban lifestyle. We both contribute to all tasks and chores. I'm not an unpaid maid nor servant. Decluttering, organizing and cleaning are constant daily maintenance otherwise the house gets out of control messy. We don't like it. Therefore, we maintain a clean, orderly life because this is our comfort zone.

 

I wouldn't have settled down with a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate slob. No way. And, my husband makes suggestions for our date nights. I hate cheapskates! :upset: He is generous when it comes to either date nights or giving me gifts which I like such as clothes, shoes, jewelry and purses. I don't like sentimental trinkets, knickknacks, brick-a-brack, dust collectors nor junk.

 

You and your boyfriend have stark different habits which won't change. Eventually, you will realize whether or not you see a long term relationship with him or not. Time and your patience or lack thereof will tell.

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Update: we talked for a little bit and to my surprise he wasn't mad at me at all. He wanted to see where I was coming from and I explained how I overstepped how some things and how I'm not going to do that anymore and I missed the spark we had when we first started dating and he heard me out and agreed that we are missing that spark and our relationship had changed. We agreed that we need to do a better job communicating and appreciating the small things. I realized that he can't read my mind, he had no idea that I felt this way and that if I need something I should speak up. I reassured him that I don't want to change him and even though he said that I haven't been, I can now take the step to catch myself when I do. So all is well in the world. Thank you for all of the advice! I really appreciate it

 

When you use that phrase "better job communicating" what specific things are you going to "communicate" about differently? And when? And how -will this be by text or in person or none of the above? I like the sentiment that you both wish to improve things but the real test is whether you are on the same page about what you specifically mean about "better job communicating". It can be awkward and uncomfortable to get down to the nitty gritty and get specific but it's essential if you think you two are having some problem "communicating". My husband told me a way I was communicating about dinner prep that irritated him some -I didn't realize or mean to be irritating -I actually intended to be helpful - but since he told me a couple of days ago I stopped. It's that specific because "better job communicating" or "get the spark back" is step one -it's a positive intention - but without specifics it just becomes so much psychosbabble.

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You are very clear at communicating and he doesn't comprehend. It's another way of his telling you that he doesn't want to do it. He prefers to save the house cleaning, tidying, planning, going to his apartment and all the inconveniences for you to sweat it out.

 

The bottom line is that he is selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate of you. Everything is dumped on you. You can't change him because it's like beating a dead horse. It will get you nowhere.

 

He has it easy and taking advantage of you.

 

Eventually you will burnout.

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Being his housekeeper and acting like his mother will kill any romance. Never go to someone's house and start cleaning it and nagging. The "spark" probably died when you started acting like his mother and demanding he plan surprise dates etc. What's wrong with you planning fun dates? It's a lot better than acting like a servant.

I I missed the spark we had when we first started dating and he heard me out and agreed that we are missing that spark and our relationship had changed.
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