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Thread: Help navigating a tricky situation

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2020

    Help navigating a tricky situation

    Hello everyone! I am a 42 yr old male, married to my wife (37F) for 12 years. We have a 2 yr old son.

    When we first met, everything was great as one would imagine. Over the years, Iíve had several dips in morale because my wife just isnít very sexual anymore. I often feel like she could live her life without sex and be totally happy. It feels like she never gets horny or just wants it. So, every time we do have sex, it feels like sheís just doing it out of obligation. She has a vibrator toy and does orgasm every time we have sex.

    These dips in morale have become more frequent and more severe over the past few years. Iíve told her a handful of times, and she always says itís not me. She is a bit overweight and she attributes it to that and her not being comfortable with herself.

    So my challenge is - I want to tell her how I feel so we can communicate and stay strong together. But, what I feel Iím really missing is the feeling that she TRULY wants me. If I have to tell her that and then she changes and honestly tries to show me she does, Iíll always wonder in the back of my mind if thatís real or just ďobligationĒ again. So Iím not sure what to do here and Iím in the middle of one of my dips in morale right now, feeling very depressed.

    Thank you for your time! Any thoughts/suggestions you have will be sincerely appreciated! Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Marriage therapy may start the conversation about sex. Often it's a marital issue that involves both and a lot of unspoken feelings.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Both of you will need to communicate anyway so it's best to do away with the shyness of speaking openly. After 12 years you should be communicating how you feel truthfully. Set up something romantic for the both of you and show her that you still are in love with her the same way as the same day you got married.

    Don't expect things to happen miraculously or for her to read your mind and show you what you need (that she truly wants you).

    Show it to her first.

    Don't become discouraged easily. Spend more time together.

    You'll find out whether the problem is her or you. Don't make any assumptions. Just show her you love her and then talk together.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    So how many years has it been like this? Has anything changes over time? Post-partum depression maybe? Was the sex fine at first for a few years? Keep in mind that some people actually don't have a high sex drive. Some people are even asexual.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Originally Posted by PhilAri
    If I have to tell her that and then she changes and honestly tries to show me she does, Iíll always wonder in the back of my mind if thatís real or just ďobligationĒ again.
    Ok.... well this thinking is a no win situation. You feel unwanted now. If she changes her behavior, you'll still feel unwanted.

    So this is kind of two fold... 1. your self-esteem is in the crapper. Start working on that. No one but you can fix this.

    2. the marriage has kinda petered out. but you gotta first admit there is a problem before you can address the problem.

    You feel unwanted. Your wife has lost interest in sex. Why? What is happening with her? Are her needs not being met and she's shutting down? We cannot give from an empty cup.

    You're looking at this from your perspective, but she has one, too. And based on what I quoted above, you really aren't giving her a chance.

    I'd start working on myself. Understand where you are coming from and how you feel. Why is your self-esteem so low? because she doesn't want sex? That's the easy out of an answer and basically blames one person for the problem, that two people created. Not fair and not likely, when you know her side.

    then you have to talk her, in a way that shows her that you want her, too you're willing to listen and do what you can to repair whatever and get back to those loving feelings.

    Not easy..... but not impossible.


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