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Venna

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I'll try and make this as short as I can. I just turned 45. I've had one sexual relationship that ended 21 years ago. I've been married for 11 years to my husband, but we have never had sex. I know. A few answers for the questions I know are coming: Why I don't want to: I work full time, and handle everything else, and I mean everything: cooking, cleaning, bills, shopping, planning, laundry, lunches, household decisions, financial decisions, home repair/upkeep, where we go, what we do, what we pay, kid rearing (when they were small, and no, none of them are biologically his and mine, I'll explain later if people need). All. He does work 40 hours like me, and that's it. I'm basically the man and the woman of the family. Why I couldn't, even if I wanted to: He was sexually abused by an aunt as a child, so the few times he showed any interest in sex when we were dating were epic fails. But, I saw different things in him, and looked past it, and have been just fine all these years without it. It was just never part of our daily life. Like, if I asked you if you have ever played Flonkerton, you'd say no. Do you sit and think about it? Feel like it's missing in your life? No. That's how it has been for me. Whatever.

 

Recently, things have changed. I'm realizing that I'm normal, and I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex. I can't/don't want to with my husband, so I told him this about 2 years ago. Every time I bring up divorce, he cries, begs, says it will break him if I leave. He tells me stories about his childhood, how everyone left him. And here's the thing: They did. He is also a really good human being. He never hit, cheated, he never did anything to deserve being left behind. So, basically, my conscience won't let me pull the trigger, and I'm stuck. My youth is fading, my time is running out. I can't tell whether I'm entitled to leave and seek happiness, or if I'm a witch for wanting to. I want to rip this wax off and be done with it, but I'm not the one who has to deal with the pain.

 

What would you do?

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I'll try and make this as short as I can. I just turned 45. I've had one sexual relationship that ended 21 years ago. I've been married for 11 years to my husband, but we have never had sex. I know. A few answers for the questions I know are coming: Why I don't want to: I work full time, and handle everything else, and I mean everything: cooking, cleaning, bills, shopping, planning, laundry, lunches, household decisions, financial decisions, home repair/upkeep, where we go, what we do, what we pay, kid rearing (when they were small, and no, none of them are biologically his and mine, I'll explain later if people need). All. He does work 40 hours like me, and that's it. I'm basically the man and the woman of the family. Why I couldn't, even if I wanted to: He was sexually abused by an aunt as a child, so the few times he showed any interest in sex when we were dating were epic fails. But, I saw different things in him, and looked past it, and have been just fine all these years without it. It was just never part of our daily life. Like, if I asked you if you have ever played Flonkerton, you'd say no. Do you sit and think about it? Feel like it's missing in your life? No. That's how it has been for me. Whatever.

 

Recently, things have changed. I'm realizing that I'm normal, and I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex. I can't/don't want to with my husband, so I told him this about 2 years ago. Every time I bring up divorce, he cries, begs, says it will break him if I leave. He tells me stories about his childhood, how everyone left him. And here's the thing: They did. He is also a really good human being. He never hit, cheated, he never did anything to deserve being left behind. So, basically, my conscience won't let me pull the trigger, and I'm stuck. My youth is fading, my time is running out. I can't tell whether I'm entitled to leave and seek happiness, or if I'm a witch for wanting to. I want to rip this wax off and be done with it, but I'm not the one who has to deal with the pain.

 

What would you do?

Yes. Please do.
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I have one son from the relationship I referenced, he had a non-biological son from a previous relationship, which didn't last because she left him to have sex with someone else, and we adopted a daughter. Now, they are 27, 22 and 21, but when we first got together they were 15, 10 and 9.

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Even with therapy, I have no desire with him. He isn't manly, I'm not attracted at all. Never been. So, even if he says I would destroy his life, he will die alone, all that.. you would still leave?

 

Honestly, yes. I would have been done a long time ago, actually.

 

You cannot commit yourself to an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage because it's what he wants. Your needs and desires count too. He is better-suited to someone who is not sexual and is equally comfortable not having a sex life. His happiness is not your sole responsibility and it's not realistic to expect you to stay when such a fundamental part of your marriage is totally absent.

 

I don't mean to sound unkind but he needs to take accountability for his own happiness and not make it your job.

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Even with therapy, I have no desire with him. He isn't manly, I'm not attracted at all. Never been. So, even if he says I would destroy his life, he will die alone, all that.. you would still leave?

 

This is manipulative. He will lose his mommy, maid, bookkeeper and landscaper.

 

You have allowed too much, for too long.

 

He will survive and may actually grow up.

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Even with therapy, I have no desire with him. He isn't manly, I'm not attracted at all. Never been. So, even if he says I would destroy his life, he will die alone, all that.. you would still leave?

 

....I mean why did you marry him then, let alone build a life together and raise kids together. You are painting him as this terrible person, but your life history doesn't support your story. It sounds more like you are trying to make him out to be terrible to justify leaving what suited you just fine for years by your own choice.

 

Here is the thing - you don't need to vilify him at all.

 

If all you really want is sex, then have an open marriage. Since he won't have it with you, he should be understanding of your needs. Not like you'll be putting his health at risk by sleeping around with other men. Anyway, that's an option.

 

If you totally want out, then be kind and just file for divorce. Don't vilify him, don't play up yourself as some super martyr, don't cause fights. In short, don't be cruel. Ending a marriage because its run its course is a valid reason and the only reason you need. Yes, you will hurt him and there is no way around that. That's how break ups work. It doesn't make you a bad person as long as you do it in a straightforward manner and without vilifying your partner.

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Here is what I would do:

 

Tell him what's going to happen

1. He is going to start therapy to address his childhood and everything else with him

 

2. He's going to start doing chores and learning to run the household, you will show him, but the maid, bookkeeper, landscaper, decision maker, cook, and all other responsibilities you have been shouldering stops today.

 

3. Its marriage counseling, open marriage, or working toward separation (OP this is your choice)

 

Its this plan or divorce. Divorce may come anyway, but this way you are helping him stand on his own.

 

You have done enough, sacrificed enough, babied him enough. Sorry for his childhood but at some point, he has to take responsibility for his life and getting himself together. Whether that is as a married man in the true sense. Or a divorced man that chooses to be celibate.

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Recently, things have changed. I'm realizing that I'm normal, and I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex. I can't/don't want to with my husband, so I told him this about 2 years ago. Every time I bring up divorce, he cries, begs, says it will break him if I leave. He tells me stories about his childhood, how everyone left him. And here's the thing: They did. He is also a really good human being. He never hit, cheated, he never did anything to deserve being left behind. So, basically, my conscience won't let me pull the trigger, and I'm stuck. My youth is fading, my time is running out. I can't tell whether I'm entitled to leave and seek happiness, or if I'm a witch for wanting to. I want to rip this wax off and be done with it, but I'm not the one who has to deal with the pain.

 

What would you do?

 

There's so much more to being a good spouse than just not hitting and cheating on someone. To me, that's like the bare MINIMUM. But just because he doesn't do those two things also does not make him a good husband.

 

Technically speaking, if the marriage isn't consummated you aren't really married. A relationship without sex is called friendship. (unless of course it is agreed to have a sexless relationship)

 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS PAST TRAUMA OR HIS NEED TO HEAL. You cannot do it for him, even if you wanted to. You should not sacrifice your happiness for another person's comfort.

 

You are not a "witch" or any other form of bad person for wanting a healthy and adult marriage. You already know that this is not.

 

Every divorce isn't because someone "did something bad" or " someone is a bad person" or "someone deserved it"- Sometimes things just don't work out. If you want out, get out. No one can force you to stay married to them. It's really that simple, especially since you don't have kids.

His pain is his to deal with: Past , present and future. You aren't his mommy or his psychiatrist. And even if you WERE, you STILL wouldn't be responsible for his personal happiness.

 

This is not a healthy relationship for either of you. By staying you are basically saying that his life and comfort is worth more to you than your own.

 

Is that how you really feel?

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If he's done anything to help himself or change the situation, you didn't mention it.

 

Therefore, if he isn't willing to work on the marriage and meet you half way, then it's a deal breaker.

 

His history is a shame. It's a bigger shame he doesn't do anything about it. Sometimes people need to lose everything or at least risk losing everything in order to get off the side lines and get into the game.

 

Leaving may be gift to the both of you.

 

I agree with Lamberts list.

You have a come to Jesus talk with him with some conditions that need to addressed and met before you decide to leave.

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It sounds like two asexual people entering a marriage of convenience if you have been married 11 yrs but have not had sex in 21 years. What has changed recently? You're not 'stuck', you can discuss continuing the sham marriage and each have your own sexual or asexual lives.

I've had one sexual relationship that ended 21 years ago.

I've been married for 11 years to my husband, but we have never had sex.

 

Recently, things have changed. I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex.

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Yes. Basically it was. He needed a mom for his kids, I needed a dad... I know I've made mistakes. I did what I thought was right at the time. And it was right. We've had a wonderful life. I just had a small string of events that led me to want the kind of relationship I've never cared about before.

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He is straight, meaning he has only dated/married women. I don't think it's relevant, since he doesn't have sex with anyone. Open relationships would not work here, because I don't just want hook ups. I want a boyfriend, the romance, all the fun together. I want to be able to go out, travel, do things with said boyfriend. Also, I think my husband would kill himself if he knew I was out with some guy.

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I don't think I fit as co dependent. I know I don't need him, I don't desire him, I'm not hooked on him. I want to leave-badly. It's my guilt in knowing everything he is saying is true.. he will, in fact, die alone. He will live alone, be alone, he will be miserable. I'm having a hard time with knowing I'm doing this to an otherwise nice human being. Idk.

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Thank you all for listening and the suggestions. I'm going to take this one step at a time with him, starting with telling him he has 90 days to make arrangements and ask for help if he thinks he needs it. I am not looking forward to the conversation. I need to be free and that's that. I'm losing my sanity trying to save his. This is such a hard position to be in and I feel so damned guilty--I'm the one who changed my mind, not him. He didn't ask for this.

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I don't think I fit as co dependent. I know I don't need him, I don't desire him, I'm not hooked on him. I want to leave-badly. It's my guilt in knowing everything he is saying is true.. he will, in fact, die alone. He will live alone, be alone, he will be miserable. I'm having a hard time with knowing I'm doing this to an otherwise nice human being. Idk.

 

To be codependent means that you are a caretaker. It means that you feel overly responsible for another person.

 

A codependent enables another person's weaknesses. Often (but not always), that 'weakness' is addiction or mental illness.

 

A lot of people think "codependent" means that you are dependent upon, or "hooked" on someone. In a way, you are: you're hooked on their need for you.

 

You should look it up. There's some great material out there.

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Thank you all for listening and the suggestions. I'm going to take this one step at a time with him, starting with telling him he has 90 days to make arrangements and ask for help if he thinks he needs it. I am not looking forward to the conversation. I need to be free and that's that. I'm losing my sanity trying to save his. This is such a hard position to be in and I feel so damned guilty--I'm the one who changed my mind, not him. He didn't ask for this.

 

You're allowed to change your mind. We all are. i hope you stick to this plan to get out.

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Open relationships would not work here, because I don't just want hook ups. I want a boyfriend, the romance, all the fun together. I want to be able to go out, travel, do things with said boyfriend. Also, I think my husband would kill himself if he knew I was out with some guy.

 

Thing is... you guys went into this with an implicit agreement that sex wasn't important, and now you have changed your mind. Nothing wrong with that, but it does mean that there will need to be some changes in your relationship. Having an open relationship doesn't mean you have to be promiscuous by the way... it could be a poly-amorous relationship.

 

The reality is... you both need to face reality. Acknowledging that this isn't working for you anymore, and giving him a chance to adjust to a new reality whether that's with or without you. He can't have it both ways and you aren't responsible for protecting him from his feelings... he needs to learn to do that for himself.

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