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Thread: Can't get out

  1. #21
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    But would he be totally alone? I would imagine the children you two raised together would have a relationship with him. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Venna
    I don't think I fit as co dependent. I know I don't need him, I don't desire him, I'm not hooked on him. I want to leave-badly. It's my guilt in knowing everything he is saying is true.. he will, in fact, die alone. He will live alone, be alone, he will be miserable. I'm having a hard time with knowing I'm doing this to an otherwise nice human being. Idk.
    To be codependent means that you are a caretaker. It means that you feel overly responsible for another person.

    A codependent enables another person's weaknesses. Often (but not always), that 'weakness' is addiction or mental illness.

    A lot of people think "codependent" means that you are dependent upon, or "hooked" on someone. In a way, you are: you're hooked on their need for you.

    You should look it up. There's some great material out there.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Venna
    Thank you all for listening and the suggestions. I'm going to take this one step at a time with him, starting with telling him he has 90 days to make arrangements and ask for help if he thinks he needs it. I am not looking forward to the conversation. I need to be free and that's that. I'm losing my sanity trying to save his. This is such a hard position to be in and I feel so damned guilty--I'm the one who changed my mind, not him. He didn't ask for this.
    You're allowed to change your mind. We all are. i hope you stick to this plan to get out.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So if you can't divorce him and you can't have an open relationship, what are you choices?
    Originally Posted by Venna
    Open relationships would not work here, I think my husband would kill himself if he knew I was out with some guy.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Open relationships would not work here, because I don't just want hook ups. I want a boyfriend, the romance, all the fun together. I want to be able to go out, travel, do things with said boyfriend. Also, I think my husband would kill himself if he knew I was out with some guy.
    Thing is... you guys went into this with an implicit agreement that sex wasn't important, and now you have changed your mind. Nothing wrong with that, but it does mean that there will need to be some changes in your relationship. Having an open relationship doesn't mean you have to be promiscuous by the way... it could be a poly-amorous relationship.

    The reality is... you both need to face reality. Acknowledging that this isn't working for you anymore, and giving him a chance to adjust to a new reality whether that's with or without you. He can't have it both ways and you aren't responsible for protecting him from his feelings... he needs to learn to do that for himself.

  7. #26

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    What if he were to change? I mean REALLY change for the better. Would you still leave? Maybe he needs a swift kick in the ass to learn what life will be like without you in it. Try a separation with the stipulation that you'd only consider trying again after he proved he's a different person. He needs to be self-sufficient aside from his 9-5 job. Cleaning up around the house, going to the market weekly, laundry etc are all things he would need to do on his own anyways. That would be the start and then he needs to work on his self-confidence. That may be the hardest part of all but taking it step at a time may get him to be the person you're willing to stick it out with and he may start to reach his fullest potential. He no doubt feels like crap about himself too. He needs motivation to change and the threat of losing you needs to be tasted....

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Before you give him 90 days notice, privately and confidentially see a doctor and therapist. Find out what is behind your own life-long asexuality, and your possible mid-life crisis.
    Originally Posted by Venna
    I just turned 45. I've had one sexual relationship that ended 21 years ago. My youth is fading, my time is running out.

  9. #28
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Before you give him 90 days notice, privately and confidentially see a doctor and therapist. Find out what is behind your own life-long asexuality, and your possible mid-life crisis.
    I pretty much already know. That doesn't seem to be an issue. I just need to know if it's okay to basically destroy someone's life in pursuit of my own happiness. I'm really struggling with that.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He will be fine.

  11. #30
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    I picture him, alone in a tiny apartment with cold furniture, trying to reheat old KFC so he can eat it in front of the TV before walking to his lonely room and crying himself to sleep. No one to talk to, no one to laugh with. Our kids are grown and have their own lives. Sure, they will stop by and all that, but they are just starting and you know how it is in your 20's. I can't expect them to do what he would need. I don't have confidence he would be able to find new family/friends since he wouldn't really score with dating, and he's antisocial. I know most people might picture this but there would be a different reality. In this case, though, I don't think so. I this would be exactly how his life would be until his job would call my cell one day and tell me he hasn't been to work in 3 days and we'd discover his body in a closet or something. What makes this so hard is that he doesn't deserve that. He's a really great human being who deserves all the happiness in the world, so I've sacrificed my own. Sorry for the darkness, but that is why I'm struggling. How do I send someone off to a cold, miserable life until he dies. What kind of person does that.

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