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Thread: Can't get out

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Here is what I would do:

    Tell him what's going to happen
    1. He is going to start therapy to address his childhood and everything else with him

    2. He's going to start doing chores and learning to run the household, you will show him, but the maid, bookkeeper, landscaper, decision maker, cook, and all other responsibilities you have been shouldering stops today.

    3. Its marriage counseling, open marriage, or working toward separation (OP this is your choice)

    Its this plan or divorce. Divorce may come anyway, but this way you are helping him stand on his own.

    You have done enough, sacrificed enough, babied him enough. Sorry for his childhood but at some point, he has to take responsibility for his life and getting himself together. Whether that is as a married man in the true sense. Or a divorced man that chooses to be celibate. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Venna

    Recently, things have changed. I'm realizing that I'm normal, and I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex. I can't/don't want to with my husband, so I told him this about 2 years ago. Every time I bring up divorce, he cries, begs, says it will break him if I leave. He tells me stories about his childhood, how everyone left him. And here's the thing: They did. He is also a really good human being. He never hit, cheated, he never did anything to deserve being left behind. So, basically, my conscience won't let me pull the trigger, and I'm stuck. My youth is fading, my time is running out. I can't tell whether I'm entitled to leave and seek happiness, or if I'm a witch for wanting to. I want to rip this wax off and be done with it, but I'm not the one who has to deal with the pain.

    What would you do?
    There's so much more to being a good spouse than just not hitting and cheating on someone. To me, that's like the bare MINIMUM. But just because he doesn't do those two things also does not make him a good husband.

    Technically speaking, if the marriage isn't consummated you aren't really married. A relationship without sex is called friendship. (unless of course it is agreed to have a sexless relationship)

    YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS PAST TRAUMA OR HIS NEED TO HEAL. You cannot do it for him, even if you wanted to. You should not sacrifice your happiness for another person's comfort.

    You are not a "witch" or any other form of bad person for wanting a healthy and adult marriage. You already know that this is not.

    Every divorce isn't because someone "did something bad" or " someone is a bad person" or "someone deserved it"- Sometimes things just don't work out. If you want out, get out. No one can force you to stay married to them. It's really that simple, especially since you don't have kids.
    His pain is his to deal with: Past , present and future. You aren't his mommy or his psychiatrist. And even if you WERE, you STILL wouldn't be responsible for his personal happiness.

    This is not a healthy relationship for either of you. By staying you are basically saying that his life and comfort is worth more to you than your own.

    Is that how you really feel?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If he's done anything to help himself or change the situation, you didn't mention it.

    Therefore, if he isn't willing to work on the marriage and meet you half way, then it's a deal breaker.

    His history is a shame. It's a bigger shame he doesn't do anything about it. Sometimes people need to lose everything or at least risk losing everything in order to get off the side lines and get into the game.

    Leaving may be gift to the both of you.

    I agree with Lamberts list.
    You have a come to Jesus talk with him with some conditions that need to addressed and met before you decide to leave.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like two asexual people entering a marriage of convenience if you have been married 11 yrs but have not had sex in 21 years. What has changed recently? You're not 'stuck', you can discuss continuing the sham marriage and each have your own sexual or asexual lives.
    Originally Posted by Venna
    I've had one sexual relationship that ended 21 years ago.
    I've been married for 11 years to my husband, but we have never had sex.

    Recently, things have changed. I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    I know this, in my head, but my heart just feels so guilty, like I'm dooming him to a life alone. Undeserved, too.

  7. #16
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    Yes. Basically it was. He needed a mom for his kids, I needed a dad... I know I've made mistakes. I did what I thought was right at the time. And it was right. We've had a wonderful life. I just had a small string of events that led me to want the kind of relationship I've never cared about before.

  8. #17
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    He is straight, meaning he has only dated/married women. I don't think it's relevant, since he doesn't have sex with anyone. Open relationships would not work here, because I don't just want hook ups. I want a boyfriend, the romance, all the fun together. I want to be able to go out, travel, do things with said boyfriend. Also, I think my husband would kill himself if he knew I was out with some guy.

  9. #18
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    I don't think I fit as co dependent. I know I don't need him, I don't desire him, I'm not hooked on him. I want to leave-badly. It's my guilt in knowing everything he is saying is true.. he will, in fact, die alone. He will live alone, be alone, he will be miserable. I'm having a hard time with knowing I'm doing this to an otherwise nice human being. Idk.

  10. #19
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    I never meant to imply he is a terrible person! On the contrary, this is why I'm having a hard time leaving. He's caring and nice and a good person all around. I feel like I'm the villain here, not him.

  11. #20
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    Thank you all for listening and the suggestions. I'm going to take this one step at a time with him, starting with telling him he has 90 days to make arrangements and ask for help if he thinks he needs it. I am not looking forward to the conversation. I need to be free and that's that. I'm losing my sanity trying to save his. This is such a hard position to be in and I feel so damned guilty--I'm the one who changed my mind, not him. He didn't ask for this.

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