Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi :) I'm really struggling with a situation which I am hoping some of you can give me your opinions on.

 

I (23F) have been in a relationship for a few years, he (23M) cheated on me a few years ago, we had broken up and got back together few months later. Trust had obviously been broken due to this.

 

Recently, he broke up with me due to communication issues. About 3 weeks later, we started seeing eachother again "exclusively", but weren't in an official gf & bf relationship.

 

I found out about a month ago that he had actually been flirting with girls online and in clubs the entire 3 months of us being exclusive, all while telling me he loved me and that he was thinking of making the relationship official once we had rebuilt a stronger foundation. He kept telling me he was being loyal, and he knew I was too, because we had agreed on being exclusive.

 

This obviously broke my heart and brought the little trust I still had in him back to square one. After a heated conversation and a few days, (I know this is going to sound absurd to a lot of people), we made our relationship official. Few reasons why- he told me this was because he did not feel like this was cheating, even though he knew he betrayed me, and said he knew he would not have been flirting with other girls if we were in an official relationship. He insisted he knew he wanted me, and did not see any future with any of those girls, but that he just felt single.

 

There are obviously plenty of reasons why I am choosing to stay in this relationship, that I am not discussing here.

 

To help me move past this betrayal, I asked if he could get rid of all these girls on his social media platforms. After weeks of me breaking down multiple times, he finally got rid of them a few days ago.

 

He, however, today followed a girl on twitter he had flirted with, during the brief time we had been broken up. She had just made a new account. He unfollowed her old account just a few days ago while he was getting rid of the other girls too.

 

I felt instant anger and hurt when I saw this. I asked him why, and he said he did not want to be rude and not follow her back.

 

She is a random girl on twitter that lives in another country. He has lots of mutuals with her, which is one of his excuses for keeping her on twitter. He said he would get rid of her later on today because he did not want her to notice straight away.

 

Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?

I am obviously struggling to trust him, I am not asking for opinions on whether I should end this relationship or not...

 

I just want advice on this specific issue today, as I feel really controlling, but am unsure if my request is out of order, or if it is justified.

 

I just want some opinions before I speak to him later.

 

Thank you in advance :)

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating? Unfortunately he is causing you a lot of pain, anger and insecurity and his existence in your life is quite damaging. You should not try to "move on" from repeated cheating, chronic disrespect and being dumped.

 

The more you take him back and the more you overlook cheating the more you empower him to walk all over you. You are allowing yourself to be turned into an angry hurting person who feels jealous and discarded regularly.

 

Talk to a trusted adult or therapist about why you are "choosing to stay in this relationship". There is no reason to stay in a prison like this.

I'm really struggling

he (23M) cheated on me a few years ago

we had broken up and got back together few months later.

we started seeing eachother again "exclusively", but weren't in an official gf & bf relationship.

This obviously broke my heart

weeks of me breaking down multiple times

I felt instant anger and hurt

Link to comment

It's obviously none of my business as to why you are choosing to be with this disrespectful individual. That said, I think you're setting yourself up for heartache but, ultimately, it's your choice.

 

"...he told me this was because he did not feel like this was cheating, even though he knew he betrayed me, and said he knew he would not have been flirting with other girls if we were in an official relationship. He insisted he knew he wanted me, and did not see any future with any of those girls, but that he just felt single." How convenient for him, and what bullsh*t. He's a smooth talker, for sure.

 

"...he said he did not want to be rude and not follow her back." Are you serious??? Again, this is such bs. And, he's being disrespectful to you, IMHO. He apparently, doesn't care that it bothers you.

 

If he truly cared about you, he'd be aware that this bothers you and he should definitely make it a point to get rid of this girl. But, that's just how If feel. It's not such a big thing to ask of him.

Link to comment

So I went back and read all your threads about this guy. You should do the same and then rethink staying in this mess. I wouldn't call it a relationship, more of a codependent kind of thing.

 

Here are some facts about cheaters:

 

1. They lie

2. When caught they lie some more

3. When given another chance they learn to hide it better but still cheat

4. I love you is a pick up line to them

5. They are extremely selfish and only really care about their wants

6. They are really good at making excuses "I was drunk"

7. They are really good at turning it back on you the victim.

8. They will continue to cheat because they can

 

I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.

 

You cannot be the relationship police with this guy and monitor who he talks to and who he spends time with. What kind of relationship is that anyways?

 

If you have a talk and agree to boundaries then that is that and you both need to abide by them, not run around checking on him to see if he is actually doing what he says he will do or not do.

 

He has been this way for years and I do not see any reason he would change. He obviously doesn't love you or he wouldn't be treating you this way. He knows he has you hooked and you will keep forgiving him so when will it be to much for you to continue? How many more times does he have to cheat before you finally dump him for good?

 

It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a drunken night out and it wasn't because he "lost feelings for you" he cheated because he wanted to have sex with someone else while dating you. It is that simple.

 

Have people moved on from cheating? Yes but the cheater did extraordinary things to build the trust back, what has this guy done? Forgiveness by you is only part of the equation, but he holds the answer.

 

I am sorry but if you stay with him prepare yourself for more betrayal and heartbreak.

 

Lost

Link to comment

This is such a good list it belongs in the ENA famous quotes: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=390454&page=6&p=7213910#post7213910

Here are some facts about cheaters:

 

1. They lie

2. When caught they lie some more

3. When given another chance they learn to hide it better but still cheat

4. I love you is a pick up line to them

5. They are extremely selfish and only really care about their wants

6. They are really good at making excuses "I was drunk"

7. They are really good at turning it back on you the victim.

8. They will continue to cheat because they can

Link to comment

I (23F) have been in a relationship for a few years, he (23M) cheated on me a few years ago, we had broken up and got back together few months later. Trust had obviously been broken due to this.

 

Recently, he broke up with me due to communication issues. About 3 weeks later, we started seeing eachother again "exclusively", but weren't in an official gf & bf relationship.

 

I found out about a month ago that he had actually been flirting with girls online and in clubs the entire 3 months of us being exclusive, all while telling me he loved me and that he was thinking of making the relationship official once we had rebuilt a stronger foundation. He kept telling me he was being loyal, and he knew I was too, because we had agreed on being exclusive.

 

This obviously broke my heart and brought the little trust I still had in him back to square one. After a heated conversation and a few days, (I know this is going to sound absurd to a lot of people), we made our relationship official. Few reasons why- he told me this was because he did not feel like this was cheating, even though he knew he betrayed me, and said he knew he would not have been flirting with other girls if we were in an official relationship. He insisted he knew he wanted me, and did not see any future with any of those girls, but that he just felt single.

 

To help me move past this betrayal, I asked if he could get rid of all these girls on his social media platforms. After weeks of me breaking down multiple times, he finally got rid of them a few days ago.

 

He, however, today followed a girl on twitter he had flirted with, during the brief time we had been broken up. She had just made a new account. He unfollowed her old account just a few days ago while he was getting rid of the other girls too.

 

I felt instant anger and hurt when I saw this. I asked him why, and he said he did not want to be rude and not follow her back.

 

Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?

I am obviously struggling to trust him,

 

I just want advice on this specific issue today, as I feel really controlling, but am unsure if my request is out of order, or if it is justified.

 

 

 

The glaring pattern that I am seeing throughout your post is the following: no trust. Bottom line, you do not trust this person. Trust is the solid foundation upon which all relationships are built. Without it, the foundation begins to crumble away, and leads to the very real problems you are experiencing (i.e. feeling controlling, feeling angry and hurt, feeling betrayed, feeling unsure of yourself and whether or not your requests are justified, etc)

 

Being in a relationship in which there is no trust oftentimes brings out the worst in us. Paranoia, suspicion, insecurity, doubt.......these all come right to the surface and cause us to do things we would never otherwise even think of, if the trust was already solidly in place.

 

I will be frank with you: whether or not you receive any opinions as to the justification (or lack thereof) of your request, this will in no way be helpful nor change your situation. The fact that there is no trust will ultimately doom this relationship. You will either continue to be miserable in a relationship without any trust, or the relationship will end. One or the other, there is no happy ending here.

 

The only way this relationship will possibly be a successful and happy one is if somehow trust is built to the point at which it is solid. However, building back trust requires effort on both sides, something your boyfriend has demonstrated to have zero interest in doing. He keeps repeating the same mistakes instead of learning from them and striving to do better.

Link to comment

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Same with liars, deceiving types, betrayers, gaslighters, sociopaths, narcissists and the whole ugly lot. Stay away from those types of creatures.

 

Yes, you are controlling because you have to be. Be in a sound relationship where there is no controlling required in the first place. A healthy relationship is smooth, harmonious, compatible, stable, secure, normal, calm and happy.

 

Your request is not out of order and yes, it's justified. Just know that that your justified requests will be ENDLESS. The only time you will stop your justified requests is when your boyfriend covers his tracks better and becomes an expert so he will proceed his slyness undetected. He'll be an old pro by then and all right under your nose! :eek: :upset:

Link to comment

This guy is immature and keeps blatantly disrespecting your feelings. This leads to a relationship dynamic where you are forced to play cop all the time. Obviously this is unhealthy and no trust (in your case justifiably so)=no relationship. Sadly he is not going to change for as long as he finds girls that enable him and put up with his disrespect. Do the math.

Link to comment

Your request that he delete this girl is not unreasonable given his history, but it is far from the main problem.

 

Getting rid of these specific girls doesn't change the fact that this guy is just not committed to you, in his heart of hearts. Think about it: he's made it more important that this girl doesn't notice the deletion than protecting your relationship and doing something right away that could re-build your trust in him. He's more worried about her reaction than yours.

 

You are not his priority. No amount of social media deletions/blocking'/unfollows is going to save this relationship.

Link to comment

 

 

Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?

I am obviously struggling to trust him, I am not asking for opinions on whether I should end this relationship or not...

 

I just want advice on this specific issue today, as I feel really controlling, but am unsure if my request is out of order, or if it is justified.

 

I just want some opinions before I speak to him later.

 

Thank you in advance :)

 

Yes, you are wrong for asking him to get rid of her, simply because he's an adult and it's not your job to raise him.

 

When it gets to the point of having to explain why a betrayal of this sort is wrong, the relationship has already gone south, (imo). Obviously he sees you as an option rather than a priority, and that along with the lack of trust, the chances of this working are slim to none, (imo).

Link to comment

I don't understand why you ask him to get rid of the girl.

You know it won't change anything about his cheating habits. He can cheat on you with her just as much even if he virtually "erased" her.

You cannot change him. He already showed you that he doesn't value fidelity and honesty. He's very comfortable betraying you so why engage in that theater roles where you pretend that he's willing to be faithful??

If you have your reasons to stay in the relationship, fine. Do what you want. Stay. But accept he's a cheater. Stop wasting your energy in useless discussion. Maybe ask him to hide his cheating better so you don't have to suffer too much?

 

My best advice would be to leave him of course but you want to stay, so I say stop fighting this battle where you try to change him. It won't work.

Link to comment

I'm sorry but I can't actually give you advice on how to move on past his behaviours. That would be going completely against my real opinion. I think this guy can't be trusted at all. If he loved you truly, he wouldn't have cheated in the past, broke up with you and then when you got back together, continued flirting with other women. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. You were crying and breaking down and he cares more about some random girl on Twitter from another country than you. I think that's the reality of your relationship. He's always got one foot out the door. And he sounds like a player to be honest.

Link to comment

I may not be the best person to comment on on-again/off-again relationships as I'm still seeing the person that brought me here, after we had a few broke ups. A few years earlier my view would have been totally different, but now that I've lived through it all, I can relate to the desire to go back and try to make things right. I would say however it is hard to move on from the past hurt and to rebuild trust, probably way harder than getting to know and trust a new person, and this is with no cheating on either side. We are both very forthcoming and to my knowledge never lied to each other in any non-trivial way. We both dated others in a longer "off" phase, and it was difficult for both of us. We were able to move past that only with 100% transparency and dedication. If there are any signs of deception it would be called off immediately and forever.

 

I had been with someone who's less trustworthy before and it felt like sh*t. I don't think he actually cheated, but he was more of a ladies' man and actually lied to me at least once "in case I got jealous." Since I found out I felt a strong need to know what he was doing when he was out, who he was talking to, and about what. I started questioning him more and threw a fit when he stayed late outside or talked to certain girls over the phone. Did I feel controlling doing all of this? Yes, and I didn't like it one bit. I realized before long that it was not working for me and ended it.

 

I know you don't want to think about leaving your bf, but your specific request cannot be interpreted out of context. Telling people who they can and cannot follow on social media is controlling. But your request doesn't make you a controlling or jealous person, as he puts you in a position where you have to go to these last resort tactics to defend your relationship. However, these tactics will not make him more trustworthy; they will only undermine your sanity, make you look like the stereotypical crazy girlfriend and make you lose respect for yourself. Unless you like this dynamic (it doesn't sound like you do) you will only be less and less happy in the relationship as this is not a one-time thing to move on from, it is an endless ongoing struggle. You two have completely different values and boundaries. Sorry but I don't see any other way out of this.

Link to comment
So I went back and read all your threads about this guy. You should do the same and then rethink staying in this mess. I wouldn't call it a relationship, more of a codependent kind of thing.

 

Here are some facts about cheaters:

 

1. They lie

2. When caught they lie some more

3. When given another chance they learn to hide it better but still cheat

4. I love you is a pick up line to them

5. They are extremely selfish and only really care about their wants

6. They are really good at making excuses "I was drunk"

7. They are really good at turning it back on you the victim.

8. They will continue to cheat because they can

 

I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.

 

You cannot be the relationship police with this guy and monitor who he talks to and who he spends time with. What kind of relationship is that anyways?

 

If you have a talk and agree to boundaries then that is that and you both need to abide by them, not run around checking on him to see if he is actually doing what he says he will do or not do.

 

He has been this way for years and I do not see any reason he would change. He obviously doesn't love you or he wouldn't be treating you this way. He knows he has you hooked and you will keep forgiving him so when will it be to much for you to continue? How many more times does he have to cheat before you finally dump him for good?

 

It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a drunken night out and it wasn't because he "lost feelings for you" he cheated because he wanted to have sex with someone else while dating you. It is that simple.

 

Have people moved on from cheating? Yes but the cheater did extraordinary things to build the trust back, what has this guy done? Forgiveness by you is only part of the equation, but he holds the answer.

 

I am sorry but if you stay with him prepare yourself for more betrayal and heartbreak.

 

Lost

 

This is spot on!!!

Link to comment

I think it really comes down to being with a person that doesnt do things that hurt you.

 

And if he doesn't really see, care or prioritize your needs, then its really just one more nail in this relationship's coffin.

 

Here's the thing, you are sacrifing a lot of yourself, accepting, forgiving, defending for the sake of this relationship. While you're getting more and more invested and the stakes are getting higher in terms of your self esteem and value, when the time comes that he has had enough, he will leave you. when someone better comes along...

 

Ask yourself, what is he doing for the relationship?

 

You've seen who this guy is, what he offers and now, any pain is really self-inflicted....

 

he can't even stop talking to a girl he actually is not friends with irl. do you think he would do anything that benefits you, but not him? doesn't sound like it.

Link to comment
Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?

 

You should ask for what you want in a relationship, so I don't think you're wrong per se when you ask him to get rid of this girl.

 

But unless you want to play relationship Whack-A-Mole for the rest of your life, you should get rid of this guy.

 

Plus, by getting rid of this guy, you will have the 2-for-1 deal of getting rid of this girl (and all of the others that will crop up!) at the same time.

 

So if you think about it, by getting rid of this guy, you'll be getting way better that a 2-for-1 deal.

Link to comment

If you won't leave him then you have to accept him for who he is - a cheater.

 

So you turn a blind eye to his extracurricular activities and accept that you will never ever be the only one, that he will always cheat, that there will always always always be some other girl or two or more. You better have a standing appointment for STD testing and use protection at all times as some aren't curable and you do not want to catch that. Expect to be embarrassed and publicly humiliated as people will see him with his side pieces and pity you for putting up with that. If this is an acceptable way to live for you, more power to you. If you want to play this game of how low you can go, your life your choice.

Link to comment

If he has already been disloyal and dishonest multiple times, what has changed.

 

And unfortunately, this is going to keep happening unless something fundamentally changes, has it? I am really sorry you had to go through this emotional pain and constant hurt. If you have to tell him to unfollow people on Twitter, their is obviously a lack of trust. Even your subconscious knows that he hasn't really changed or else you wouldn't be so worried and have to take these measures.

 

I am sorry. And you said that you [feel really controlling], and that's just a sign that this isn't going to workout. Because if you feel the need to control behaviors that's not a recipe for a healthy relationship. You should be able to trust him to make good decisions without your interference.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...