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Thread: Moving on from infidelity

  1. #11
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    Your request that he delete this girl is not unreasonable given his history, but it is far from the main problem.

    Getting rid of these specific girls doesn't change the fact that this guy is just not committed to you, in his heart of hearts. Think about it: he's made it more important that this girl doesn't notice the deletion than protecting your relationship and doing something right away that could re-build your trust in him. He's more worried about her reaction than yours.

    You are not his priority. No amount of social media deletions/blocking'/unfollows is going to save this relationship.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by whitesand3


    Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?
    I am obviously struggling to trust him, I am not asking for opinions on whether I should end this relationship or not...

    I just want advice on this specific issue today, as I feel really controlling, but am unsure if my request is out of order, or if it is justified.

    I just want some opinions before I speak to him later.

    Thank you in advance :)
    Yes, you are wrong for asking him to get rid of her, simply because he's an adult and it's not your job to raise him.

    When it gets to the point of having to explain why a betrayal of this sort is wrong, the relationship has already gone south, (imo). Obviously he sees you as an option rather than a priority, and that along with the lack of trust, the chances of this working are slim to none, (imo).

  3. #13
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    I don't understand why you ask him to get rid of the girl.
    You know it won't change anything about his cheating habits. He can cheat on you with her just as much even if he virtually "erased" her.
    You cannot change him. He already showed you that he doesn't value fidelity and honesty. He's very comfortable betraying you so why engage in that theater roles where you pretend that he's willing to be faithful??
    If you have your reasons to stay in the relationship, fine. Do what you want. Stay. But accept he's a cheater. Stop wasting your energy in useless discussion. Maybe ask him to hide his cheating better so you don't have to suffer too much?

    My best advice would be to leave him of course but you want to stay, so I say stop fighting this battle where you try to change him. It won't work.

  4. #14
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    I'm sorry but I can't actually give you advice on how to move on past his behaviours. That would be going completely against my real opinion. I think this guy can't be trusted at all. If he loved you truly, he wouldn't have cheated in the past, broke up with you and then when you got back together, continued flirting with other women. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. You were crying and breaking down and he cares more about some random girl on Twitter from another country than you. I think that's the reality of your relationship. He's always got one foot out the door. And he sounds like a player to be honest.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Talk is cheap. I have no idea why you think you need to be with this guy, I cannot come up with a single reason.

  7. #16
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    I may not be the best person to comment on on-again/off-again relationships as I'm still seeing the person that brought me here, after we had a few broke ups. A few years earlier my view would have been totally different, but now that I've lived through it all, I can relate to the desire to go back and try to make things right. I would say however it is hard to move on from the past hurt and to rebuild trust, probably way harder than getting to know and trust a new person, and this is with no cheating on either side. We are both very forthcoming and to my knowledge never lied to each other in any non-trivial way. We both dated others in a longer "off" phase, and it was difficult for both of us. We were able to move past that only with 100% transparency and dedication. If there are any signs of deception it would be called off immediately and forever.

    I had been with someone who's less trustworthy before and it felt like sh*t. I don't think he actually cheated, but he was more of a ladies' man and actually lied to me at least once "in case I got jealous." Since I found out I felt a strong need to know what he was doing when he was out, who he was talking to, and about what. I started questioning him more and threw a fit when he stayed late outside or talked to certain girls over the phone. Did I feel controlling doing all of this? Yes, and I didn't like it one bit. I realized before long that it was not working for me and ended it.

    I know you don't want to think about leaving your bf, but your specific request cannot be interpreted out of context. Telling people who they can and cannot follow on social media is controlling. But your request doesn't make you a controlling or jealous person, as he puts you in a position where you have to go to these last resort tactics to defend your relationship. However, these tactics will not make him more trustworthy; they will only undermine your sanity, make you look like the stereotypical crazy girlfriend and make you lose respect for yourself. Unless you like this dynamic (it doesn't sound like you do) you will only be less and less happy in the relationship as this is not a one-time thing to move on from, it is an endless ongoing struggle. You two have completely different values and boundaries. Sorry but I don't see any other way out of this.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    So I went back and read all your threads about this guy. You should do the same and then rethink staying in this mess. I wouldn't call it a relationship, more of a codependent kind of thing.

    Here are some facts about cheaters:

    1. They lie
    2. When caught they lie some more
    3. When given another chance they learn to hide it better but still cheat
    4. I love you is a pick up line to them
    5. They are extremely selfish and only really care about their wants
    6. They are really good at making excuses "I was drunk"
    7. They are really good at turning it back on you the victim.
    8. They will continue to cheat because they can

    I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.

    You cannot be the relationship police with this guy and monitor who he talks to and who he spends time with. What kind of relationship is that anyways?

    If you have a talk and agree to boundaries then that is that and you both need to abide by them, not run around checking on him to see if he is actually doing what he says he will do or not do.

    He has been this way for years and I do not see any reason he would change. He obviously doesn't love you or he wouldn't be treating you this way. He knows he has you hooked and you will keep forgiving him so when will it be to much for you to continue? How many more times does he have to cheat before you finally dump him for good?

    It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a drunken night out and it wasn't because he "lost feelings for you" he cheated because he wanted to have sex with someone else while dating you. It is that simple.

    Have people moved on from cheating? Yes but the cheater did extraordinary things to build the trust back, what has this guy done? Forgiveness by you is only part of the equation, but he holds the answer.

    I am sorry but if you stay with him prepare yourself for more betrayal and heartbreak.

    Lost
    This is spot on!!!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Talk is cheap. I have no idea why you think you need to be with this guy, I cannot come up with a single reason.
    I feel the same way.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think it really comes down to being with a person that doesnt do things that hurt you.

    And if he doesn't really see, care or prioritize your needs, then its really just one more nail in this relationship's coffin.

    Here's the thing, you are sacrifing a lot of yourself, accepting, forgiving, defending for the sake of this relationship. While you're getting more and more invested and the stakes are getting higher in terms of your self esteem and value, when the time comes that he has had enough, he will leave you. when someone better comes along...

    Ask yourself, what is he doing for the relationship?

    You've seen who this guy is, what he offers and now, any pain is really self-inflicted....

    he can't even stop talking to a girl he actually is not friends with irl. do you think he would do anything that benefits you, but not him? doesn't sound like it.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by whitesand3
    Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?
    You should ask for what you want in a relationship, so I don't think you're wrong per se when you ask him to get rid of this girl.

    But unless you want to play relationship Whack-A-Mole for the rest of your life, you should get rid of this guy.

    Plus, by getting rid of this guy, you will have the 2-for-1 deal of getting rid of this girl (and all of the others that will crop up!) at the same time.

    So if you think about it, by getting rid of this guy, you'll be getting way better that a 2-for-1 deal.

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