Feel like something's missing..

Sorry, this will be long. A quick summary is, I feel like something is missing with my current bf of 2 months but he seems to really put in effort which is why I want to make it work. But his ex-fiance posted a lot about them online and I've been finding out more about him from her social media than from him, which is making me question trusting him.

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I've been with my current bf for about 2 months from when we first met and I've never really felt that "spark" but I also didn't have a reason to break it off. I thought he seemed like a nice enough guy and he told me he's very committed to his relationships and would do whatever it takes to make them work so I wanted to give it some time to see where it would go. I liked his efforts and actually appreciate that more than an initial spark because from experience, that can fade if they're not going to put in effort.

There are small things that bother me about him, like he seems kind of clueless/oblivious about what's going on and he seems to relay decision making to me. I also question what is he contributing to the relationship sometimes. I've voiced my concerns and he's working on it. For example, he didn't even have a pillow for me when I first stayed over. I had to bring my own. He cooks the same thing everyday until I started cooking new things all the time and now he's been looking for new recipes. His tap water is gross so I brought my own water and he drank it all when I left. I told him that was really upsetting but now he always makes sure there's some in stock for me. He ran out of toilet paper a few weeks ago and couldn't find any and I was at the store and they had some so I got some for him. We celebrated his birthday a few weeks after we dated but he never asked for my birthday until I said something last week. He told me he was going to ask but I don't believe him. He needed clippers a few weeks ago but he was too late in getting the last few sets at the store and he doesn't even have an Amazon account so I've been keeping an eye out for him, and on and on. I already feel like I've done more for him than almost any other relationship. I can't even help it because I like being helpful but I also question what is he doing for me?

He doesn't do much except go to work and sit on his couch to watch TV. I actually don't care what people do because I don't do much either activity wise but I do appreciate input, thoughts, and opinion, and he seems to almost never have any. Put bluntly, it hasn't been very mentally stimulating for me. The physical part has been nice and personality wise, we're both Type B's I would say, but something feels like it's missing. I'm not looking for someone super smart, intelligent or educated but I do need some mental stimulation or surprise. What I do like about him though is how affectionate he is and how he's super responsive and there for me. He does seem to try and put in effort and it's shocking to me how he didn't seem to even know about common relationship courtesy, like having a decent pillow for someone who's staying over. I did get him to order new pillows by the way. We were at the store and I commented on how much I liked these flowers they had and the next time I saw him he got them for me. He seems like a really sweet person but generally clueless. We also seem to be pretty good about communicating with each other, which is why I would like to do something to fix this.

Another thing that has been bothering me quite a bit actually is learning his ex's name a month after knowing him and Googling her. She's very open about their relationship on social media and the internet and I don't like that I learned more about their relationship through her than from him. He seemed reluctant to talk about her and I didn't even know about her and how they were together for three years and got a dog together and moved to my city together until weeks after we've been dating. I found out from her social media that they had been engaged, which he did not tell me about. After I told him, he told me that he was going to tell me but thought it would be too early and how some people might react badly to it. He told me he thought it would be rude to talk about exes, which I agree, but through his ex, he had told her about his ex before her shortly after they knew each other. Now, I can't help but wonder what else is he not telling me? And what am I to him really? I also can't help but compare their relationship to ours and from what it sounded like, they fell for each other right away, moved in after two weeks, said ILY, got engaged 3 months in.. and she had been making these videos about them up until this time last year and they sounded like they were still in love then and she called him his soulmate. But from what he was telling me, they had a falling out in the last year and he said she just changed into a different person. From her videos, she sounded so in love, but he told me she just came home one day and said she was moving out. Really makes me question what happened.. it's annoying how she posted so much information about them and honestly, I wish I never came across all that. He doesn't seem interested in getting back with her at all actually. He doesn't seem to like talking about her and I do believe he has moved on.

He's also super cheesy in his texts, saying things that make me cringe, and I had to ask him to dial it back. Since then, he hasn't been as cheesy but usually, when someone talks it up, they're making up for something.

I have a hard time trusting people but I would like to try and make this work. Is there anything I can say to him or do to fill in what feels like is missing?

To me respect and admiration are essential in a close relationship -particularly a potentially long term romantic one. Do you respect and admire him? If so what aspects? Doesn't sound like you do. Sounds like you find him boring, unintelligent and lazy/unambitious. And you have to control what he writes to you in a text? After two months? Why are you with this guy?

I agree with Batya. It seems like you’re settling for him because on the occasion he does what you like. Most of the time you both seem incompatible. This doesn’t sound long term especially comparing his exes and your relationship with him.

Sorry to hear this. Dating someone for 60 days is not a lot of time to get to know someone. It sounds like you are looking for an insta-relationship or are on the rebound and nitpicking this guy to death. Why would you keep hanging out if there is so much wrong with him?

For example he is not the Hilton and so doesn't have to provide you with pillows a varied menu etc. You need a 5 star hotel and a houseboy, not a bf, so you can complain to the management that the accommodations are not up to your standards. Why can't he stay at your place?

I've never really felt that "spark"

he didn't even have a pillow for me when I first stayed over.

He cooks the same thing everyday u

His tap water is gross so I brought my own water

He ran out of toilet paper a few weeks ago

he doesn't even have an Amazon account

Regarding the ex. Sorry but in that sense I think you're out of line there. I agree that it is rude to talk about your ex's at the start of a new relationship, especially in great detail. I was engaged myself and even had the wedding booked, I was with my ex-fiance for two years. This is information that could be quite full-on to hear for any people I might be dating. My relationship ended seven months ago so I do want to date, but I never bring it up. I'm happy to answer questions about it if asked, but I prefer to avoid discussing it. To me it makes sense why your boyfriend didn't tell you all these things.

Also you actually stalked his ex's social media yourself. Seems like her social media isn't set to private, but that's her choice to have it like that I guess. What do you mean "I wish she didn't post all those things about their relationship". It's normal to post things about your relationship on social media, most people in a relationship do it. You can't really be upset about that part. You can't be upset that your boyfriend had someone else before you. A lot of people have ex's. I get it, we all get curious and want to social media stalk the ex. I'm sure we've all done it. But that part is on you.

In regards to the other stuff...Yes I agree that the pillow thing was rude and inconsiderate. But with other things like getting your boyfriend toilet paper or buying him some clippers. Well that's just a nice thing a girlfriend does, isn't it? Why do you expect that a relationship has to be every single little thing "this for that"? Also I wouldn't say that he's totally clueless because he's actually listening to everything you're saying and he's taking it on board. He got you the flowers you liked, he's cooking more recipes, he bought more pillows. Or are you actually annoyed that he's TOO eager and just obeying everything you say?

If you're just not into this guy then that's OK. But I don't really see anything he has tangibly done wrong. Seems more like you're TRYING to find something wrong with him because you don't like him that much.

 

I have a hard time trusting people but I would like to try and make this work. Is there anything I can say to him or do to fill in what feels like is missing?

My thoughts are, he'll never meet your requirements therefore rather than nailing him to the wall, why not set him free, and find someone who will abide by your rules?

I think you just don't like him and so everything the guy does is wrong.

And geez, you're so judgy about the ex, their relationship and HER social media page.

Two months in, sounds like he's done a good job of trying to get to know you and what you like. You've done some nice things for him, too, but I bet if he knew, how harshly he's being judged, he probably should dump you...

I could hear it now:

'i purposely didn't tell her about my ex because it didn't matter to me anymore. she said she liked flowers, bottled water and pillows, so I bought these things. We went out for my bday and she was doing nice things for me like finding tp and clippers.... but then I found out she stalked my ex and watched hours of videos of us. now I am not sure I can trust her."

So far the only untrustworthy behavior is yours.

Sounds like this guy isn't for you. If I were you I would move on for the sake of yourself and not because he seems to put effort in...sounds like a waste of time TBH. Their breakup is way too fresh. IMO it would be a dealbreaker if my BF's ex was still posting stuff about their relationship...sounds so childish...again a waste of time.

I could hear it now:

 

'i purposely didn't tell her about my ex because it didn't matter to me anymore. she said she liked flowers, bottled water and pillows, so I bought these things. We went out for my bday and she was doing nice things for me like finding tp and clippers.... but then I found out she stalked my ex and watched hours of videos of us. now I am not sure I can trust her."

 

So far the only untrustworthy behavior is yours.

And this^^^....you are obsessing unhealthily on social media...Time to take a good look at your own behavior.

How old are you two?

Lost

Your boyfriend sounds like a mama's boy and he's your baby. He expects you to do everything for him and constantly pick up the slack. He's also dull as a door nail. He's inconsiderate and doesn't do anything for you which is indeed irksome, annoying, alarming and irritating.

I'd hate to be with a guy like that. Fortunately, my husband is a good guy and doesn't do anything your boyfriend does. My husband is extremely considerate and respectful. I'm sorry for your predicament.

He sounds like he's not a long term boyfriend for you. He will be just temporary in your life and for good reason.

As for his ex, you were wrong for investigating her. Ignorance is bliss. Remember that. Your boyfriend didn't want to dredge up history and memories of his ex out of respect for you. You are his current girlfriend and he wanted to be in the moment regarding his relationship with you. Let sleeping dogs lie. Don't stir up trouble regarding his history with his ex and his former relationship with her. You need to leave everything with his ex and his history alone. Don't bother and stop snooping on social media about his ex because it will do no good. You'll only torment and aggravate yourself further which is so unnecessary.

Regarding his engagement, a lot of times, it's better for you not to know in the first place. Knowing these details will only cause you more pain than his confiding in you regarding his ex. Not knowing hurts less than knowing the brutal truth about his previous engagement. No need to cause pain when it's unnecessary. It's better to leave well enough alone IMHO.

Concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend instead. If you don't approve of his ignorance, habitual indifference and apathy towards you, it's time to ask yourself if you see yourself with him for the long term or not. He's not a man. He's a baby whom you have to take care of. That's not what you call a man.

Your boyfriend sounds like a mama's boy and he's your baby. He expects you to do everything for him and constantly pick up the slack. He's also dull as a door nail. He's inconsiderate and doesn't do anything for you which is indeed irksome, annoying, alarming and irritating.

 

I'd hate to be with a guy like that. Fortunately, my husband is a good guy and doesn't do anything your boyfriend does. My husband is extremely considerate and respectful. I'm sorry for your predicament.

 

He sounds like he's not a long term boyfriend for you. He will be just temporary in your life and for good reason.

 

As for his ex, you were wrong for investigating her. Ignorance is bliss. Remember that. Your boyfriend didn't want to dredge up history and memories of his ex out of respect for you. You are his current girlfriend and he wanted to be in the moment regarding his relationship with you. Let sleeping dogs lie. Don't stir up trouble regarding his history with his ex and his former relationship with her. You need to leave everything with his ex and his history alone. Don't bother and stop snooping on social media about his ex because it will do no good. You'll only torment and aggravate yourself further which is so unnecessary.

 

Regarding his engagement, a lot of times, it's better for you not to know in the first place. Knowing these details will only cause you more pain than his confiding in you regarding his ex. Not knowing hurts less than knowing the brutal truth about his previous engagement. No need to cause pain when it's unnecessary. It's better to leave well enough alone IMHO.

 

Concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend instead. If you don't approve of his ignorance, habitual indifference and apathy towards you, it's time to ask yourself if you see yourself with him for the long term or not. He's not a man. He's a baby whom you have to take care of. That's not what you call a man.

Well I think that he's not necessarily doing anything wrong. I mean in general. I think sometimes we are looking for a certain person with certain traits and behaviours. If someone doesn't have those traits and behaviours, then we shouldn't be dating them. We should just end it and keep looking for someone else that fits our criteria better.

As OP herself actually said, he is putting in effort and he's sweet. He was with that other woman for three years and she even got engaged to him. So obviously she saw something special in him, at least at the time. So just because OP is not feeling a spark doesn't mean something is actually wrong with him. It's probably just feelings and we can't change how we feel.

Also I think OP is acting kind of immature and petty. She is keeping score of every little "nice thing she does for him and says "what is he doing for me?" Well for one thing, he is doing things for her. He has his own place, he was fine with cooking the same thing every day. But for her sake he began to cook other recipes. No offence but for example, I live alone and I'm single. If I enjoy eating scrambled eggs every day, that's my choice. You can't judge me for what I want to eat. However yes for a partner I could start cooking more things if they wanted to. I don't eat the same thing every day by the way. It was just an example.

Also I think regarding leaving the water behind at his place. A relationship is about sharing. If I was at a partner's place and I left a box of chocolates behind, I don't mind if they eat it. I'm not stingy. And if they leave some food or drink at my place, I would think they don't mind if I have it. I probably would ask first but if they said "no", I would be a bit out off and think they're stingy.

This guy is just living his life and you are constantly instructing him on how he should be and what he should be doing. This is according to YOUR taste. He doesn't have to change everything about himself for you. If you don't like him the way he already is, then don't actually date him. You're supposed to accept people as they are because people generally don't change.

And regarding his ex, he has moved on and he was trying to be respectful and never bring her up. Yet OP social media stalked her and then made her boyfriend feel bad.

OP, you are looking for trouble. When you look for trouble you usually find it.

Are you looking for an equal partner, one with his own likes, beliefs, mindset? Or are you looking for a mirror?

I don't like that I learned more about their relationship through her than from him. He seemed reluctant to talk about her... I found out from her social media that they had been engaged, which he did not tell me about... He told me he thought it would be rude to talk about exes, which I agree, but through his ex, he had told her about his ex before her shortly after they knew each other.

I do not want to hear about exes, a lot of people don't want to know about them, so your boyfriend's reluctance to discuss his former fiancee with you was perfectly valid. Had you not done all that digging you would have been none the wiser and not be beating yourself up about how your relationship compares to theirs. You said that your boyfriend told this particular ex about his previous one, but have you considered that doing so actually opened a whole can of worms and that he wanted to avoid making the same mistake?