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Thread: Obsessed with my sexfriend... Help!

  1. #1

    Obsessed with my sexfriend... Help!

    Hello there,

    I've been seeing this man for a few months now. He's a friend who I always had a thing for but I never had the guts to tell him about my feelings. One day and totally out of the blue he made sexual advances to me and I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

    It should be all fun and hot sex but the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy. I can't function properly anymore, I'm just waiting for his calls/messages... I spend countless sleepless nights, I can cry for hours thinking of him/my love for him, I can't eat anymore (or just very small amounts of food), sometimes I drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes to ease my pain and feelings of anxiety (I usually experience physical heartache, i.e. I have this weird feeling something is eating my heart away and it can be very oppressive at times), I have increasing difficulties performing the smallest tasks at home, and I'm always anticipating the day he will tell me he met someone that he's in love with and everything is over... I'm literaly freaking out at the thought and sometimes I feel like I'm becoming totally crazy. When I anticipate that day I literaly feel feverish and dizzy and angry at the girl who will have the luck to be loved by this wonderful man

    For the time being I don't think I would be able to cope if he happens to reject me, I just want to be with him all the time even if I know he doesn't love me back... I would do anything for this guy and to make him happy, even if I know I'm being totally masochist

    Today I was such on edge that I called the Samaritans helpline and had a one-hour chat with a lovely elderly lady who advised me to talk to people and write as much as possible about my feelings and that it would eventually help me or at least ease my pain. She was really sorry for me but she couldn't do much apart from listening (which is already a great thing and eased my distress a bit).

    I feel totally lost and lonely... Please help Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this. In your shoes right now? I would try to see that most of your feelings are self-generated, rather than him-generated, and see if perhaps you can find some stability in that, along with a sense of what you need to do for that stability to not be fleeting.

    What I mean by that? Well, it's not a mystery why you feel this way. You agreed to terms that, from the beginning, did not align with your authentic self. That'll throw anyone off, every time. You're essentially trying to handle a situation you know can't handle.

    So, what to do? I say you be honest, knowing you'll thank yourself later. That can mean two things. You tell him how you actually feel—nothing dramatic, but simply that you've realized continuing on only works if it's exploring a genuine romance, not a saucy thing in the shadows. Or, well, you just put an end to this, since he's already made his parameters pretty clear.

    Yeah, there's a chance both of those will lead to a bit of a sting, but you're already stung right now. Everything you've described experiencing right now is basically the textbook of what "unhealthy" looks like, the opposite of how most people—including yourself, I suspect—aspire to spend their days feeling. If I sat on a chair that always caused back pain, I'd get a new chair. If I was in an erotic entanglement that caused this level of mental and emotional turmoil, I'd look to untangle myself, you know?

    He can't reject you, after all, given the terms laid out. You can, however, choose to find peace by rejecting terms that don't serve your truth.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You sound like you're in serious need of professional help. What you're experiencing is obsession NOT love. It's a mental illness and you need help asap.

    Dating this man is not an option, or at least not a healthy one. You've already gone past the point of every having a relationship with him that might be healthy.
    You need to stay away from him as much as possible, if not all together for the rest of your life.

    Don't mistake this...you are having a mental episode, not love. It might have been caused due to the amount of stress going on in your life, but you need help, more than we can give on this board.

    I'm assuming you're from U.K so I would suggest you ringing 999 and telling them how bad it's gotten. When sleeping and eating has gotten this badly messed up, then it's a huge sign that you need professional help.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    As a recovered drug addict I can absolutely identify with this feeling. Nowadays I tend to be more like bluecastle’s uncomfortable chair analogy, but there was a time that I always opted for the vicious cycle of chasing the high. The insanity and sweats and scheming and fear of the lows was simply the price to be paid for the euphoric highs.

    You know what? I say ride it until the wheels fall off! Go until you don’t want to anymore, or until he leaves. Either you’re gonna get cut off at some point or the pain of keeping on the way you’re going will eventually come to outweigh the pain of doing something different. If you don’t want to do anything about it now, well don’t worry about it - the situation will bring change your way soon enough. Now if there are kids or a job or something that is being neglected as a result of your obsession...that might be something to consider and would make me change my tune. Are other areas of your life seeming to fall to pieces as your “relationship” goes on?

    When you decide you want a new experience this is a cool place to vent and to get different perspectives. Regulars here want very much to help and are always happy to share their time, minds and hearts with you.

    Best wishes!

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  6. #5
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    OP, have you had other experiences like this in past?

    Your symptoms are very concerning and I fear what will happen when the day comes that he stops calling. I would also encourage you to continue to seek out third-party guidance, and perhaps consider some counseling. It appears as though you could use a good set of coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with your pain.

    I would also strongly advise you to stop seeing this man, as it's doing more harm than good. Easier said than done when you're in the thick of it, I realize, but it's not in your best interest to continue this when you know it won't end the way you hope.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    an obsession, train wreck, feel like a journey to no destination, with all highs of passion pleasure and obsession served to your needs. This sex buddy without emotions overtime usually develops into real feelings mostly one sided. Best part is you can decide what to do anytime.
    All it takes is say NO, cut contact move to a healthy space in your life, wait for the right partner who will treat you with the respect and love you desire. Eventually you will find the strength its upto you to decide when you are ready.

  8. #7
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    You are worried about him rejecting you , yet he already has?
    His sexual advances were purely selfish , knowing you would go there.
    He already rejected you in terms of a relationship etc

    This isn’t even a fwb scenario.
    It’s a booty call scenario only.

    Why would you want anything more from him?
    And why would you expect anything more from him when you are giving all he wants from you?

    You need to stop being available to him.
    And given that you are obsessed with him , you need to tell him this so he can walk away since it sounds like you won’t?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. FWB situations usually end badly for the reason you stated. On hopes it will turn into more. You need to end it so you can find what you are looking for.
    Originally Posted by MoodyNights
    I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over . the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Have you even considered or tried to meet someone else? Someone that is wanting a relationship?

    I agree with a lot of what others are saying. Its an obsession that you are feeding with your desire to make a situation that doesn't align with you, into one that does.

    You're consumed with fear and angst. There is no good way for this to end. Other than to take control of the situation and dump this guy.

    I'm not sure if you are willing to do this... you may just decide to ride this out and be hurt later. the thing that doesn't really jive with that strategy is, you are hurting now.

    If you want to save yourself, I'd end it now.

    Send him a text that says "our arrangement doesn't work for me anymore. I'm ending it today."

    or something in your own words that does not explain or apologize. Show some strength, be on your side in this. You gotta boost your own self esteem. Its hard and you have to put on a false front.

    Take some time to pull the covers over your head, eat some junk food and binge tv... no time like a pandemic to mope on your own.....

    Then when you are thoroughly moped out, start again... love yourself and don't put yourself into this kind of arrangement again.

    This guy is only what you've made him in your mind... he ain't all that. know that.

  11. #10
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    You need to stop seeing this man, and please seek out a therapist.

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