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Thread: Obsessed with my sexfriend... Help!

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MoodyNights
    Interesting question, thanks for asking :) I must confess that sex plays a very important part in the romantic relationships I can develop. But in the same time I'm perfectly aware that well-functioning couples just can't have sex everytime they are together. There is so much more, and according to me, in an ideal relationship sex should come supporting the rest, not supplanting it.

    I see a romantic relationship as a partnership/team : we share common stuff such as tastes and viewpoints, but in the same time we both have our personal spaces. We give each other genuine attention and affection. We are here to enjoy nice moments in places whether public or private, but also to support each other during the bad times. We are happy when we see each other but also happy when we don't, because our happiness doesn't totally rely on the partner's presence by our side. We trust and respect each other. A well-working romantic relationship should boost the ego of both parts and make you want to outdo yourself everyday.
    So, this is all lovely, and specific. It also, as you don't need me to tell you, is an entirely different solar system than the one in which you're currently spending your mental, emotional, and romantic capital. Why do you think that is? Genuine question.

    I did bold that last sentence for a reason, perhaps related. Between the ego and being "undone," is something pretty special: your core personhood, your authentic self. Might be worth exploring, since if you're seeking something that tears you up and then puts you together—well, then I can see the appeal in what you have right now, along with some orgasms, since it keeps the authentic self muted, in the shadows. But I think if you fine tune that idea a bit, you might realize that you're seeking something far, far richer than what this man can provide.

    Last question: Why the obsession with making this man—or any man—"happy"? Do you think that is the key to personal happiness? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Why the obsession with making this man—or any man—"happy"? Do you think that is the key to personal happiness?
    I want to make this man happy for two reasons:
    1) because I love him
    2) even though I know he doesn't love me back in a romantic way and most likely never will (like somebody else said in another post, FWB rarely turn into BF), he will at least like me a little bit, enough to be willing to spend a little time with me... And I must confess I relish the fact that he is willing to share some parts of his life with me, even if it is for sheer sex.

    I realise I'm literaly spending my time picking up any crumbs he has the kindness to throw at me... This is pure emotional dependence I guess
    Last edited by MoodyNights; 04-28-2020 at 08:14 PM.

  3. #23
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    OP, I'm sorry to say this but it is very likely he's approaching YOU for sex because he is aware of your feelings, not because he sees you as the special, amazing person you are. It is convenient for him as rarely any other woman would be interested in his terms. He is taking advantage of your feelings while probably knowing all the pain it is causing you. Think about that.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It might be worth asking—hard questions, I know—why you're willing to use the biggest of words (love) to describe a one-sided attachment like this. It's kind of masturbatory, if you think about it, since you're expressing a feeling that isn't being generated together—as that formation of a "team"—but more in the space of your own mind. In fact, he has straight-up prefaced this all by laying out the lack of feelings on his end, so what you're saying, essentially, is that one of the major ingredients for you to experience love for another human is their inability and distress in experiencing that with you.

    Just speaking for myself, but I think of it as a thing that two people build, at least at its most potent and authentic, rather than a thing one person feels in a vacuum. I can love a hamburger in a vacuum, I guess I'm saying, but with another person? We each put into the pot to make that brew. If that's the not case, it's a different shade: lust, obsession, or some such.

    Sophia makes a good point. I don't think this dude is a monster, since he's been totally transparent, but I do think it's worth asking why a dude who is this limited in what he has to offer you is so appealing.

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  6. #25
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    I'm sorry you're going through all this turmoil.

    Change the sentence :" I would do anything to make him happy" to "I would do anything to make him love me"...
    Because that's what all this is really about. You are desperate to be loved by him so you are willing to take the crumbs , and accept any condition he impose on you... deep inside you really hope that maybe if you don't complain, make things easy for him he will start , dare you hope, loving you...
    That hope is killing you as much as the knowledge that he doesn't love you.

    The day you stop hoping and accept the reality for what it is, you will find this "chair " insufferable and stop using it.
    Until then, can you answer these questions:
    Are you used to be in one sided relationships ? Have you ever been in a relationship where you both were completely in love with each other?
    Do you think being loved by a great guy is something out of your reach?

    You see, it all comes down to low self esteem and the lack of belief that you can find love.
    You need to work on these if you want to start getting better.

    In the meantime, while you're still in this, you can stop silencing your truth. That's the root of your pain. Start saying what you really feel :" I want more than this" I'm in love with you" our arrangement is hurting me"...
    It won't make him love you or want to be your bf but it will make you a stronger person and you will accept less and less pain...
    you will beleive in yourself more and have hope that you can put yourself in a healthier place where you can find love.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I treated myself horribly trying desperately to get a man to love me.

    It was only after I stayed away from him permanently that I realized he is not a unicorn. And he isn't even worthwhile due to the way he treated me.

    Only with permanent separation from the situation will you see the full truth.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You need to understand though, what you're feeling is not love. To be honest, I'm not even sure why you got together with him.
    Was it because you hoped that if you got physical he would start to feel something?

    Men don't work that way. As least, not most men.

    They don't fall in love because of sex, they fall in love with who a woman is, her personality, her gestures, her likes, dislikes, etc, etc.
    If he felt nothing before you started having sex, he's not going to now.
    In his mind, he is just using your body for an orgasm, but he's not seeing you, the person.

    It doesn't matter how desperately you want him to feel the way you do, it's not going to happen.You are breaking your own heart as you are placing all your hopes and dreams into something that won't ever be real.

    But YOU are the only one who can get a hold of your senses, start seeing this for what it is, start telling yourself to get a grip and get a hold of this situation.
    He's not a god, he's just a guy fooling around with your body but has no feelings involved.

    It's going to be painful to force yourself to realizations, but you must in order to come back down to earth and fix this yourself.
    Unless you want to keep losing control and living in complete misery for something that will never be.

  9. #28
    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    OP, I'm sorry to say this but it is very likely he's approaching YOU for sex because he is aware of your feelings, not because he sees you as the special, amazing person you are.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    In his mind, he is just using your body for an orgasm, but he's not seeing you, the person.

    It doesn't matter how desperately you want him to feel the way you do, it's not going to happen.You are breaking your own heart as you are placing all your hopes and dreams into something that won't ever be real.
    And this is precisely what breaks my heart. I wish so bad he would see me as someone special, but deep down I know he doesn't care about me despite all my efforts

    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    He is taking advantage of your feelings while probably knowing all the pain it is causing you.
    I'm not sure about that. I means he knows I find him physically attractive but he definitely doesn't know about all the pain he is causing me... I never mention it in front of him and pretend everything is alright in order to not freak him out and keep having my fix (aka sex with him). This is utter self-destructive behaviour I know

  10. #29
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    To be honest, I'm not even sure why you got together with him. Was it because you hoped that if you got physical he would start to feel something?
    I had hoped for years (more than a decade to be precise) we would get closer (obviously we are now, at least on a physical level), but the lucid side of me was aware being a "real" couple would never happen. Yet I was overjoyed the day he asked me whether I wanted to have sex with him, and have been overjoyed everytime he asked for it since that day. I guess that's what we call an addiction


    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    He's not a god
    I try desperately to convince myself he isn't... He is such the perfect man for me, both physically and mentally speaking.


    Originally Posted by Cannelle
    Are you used to be in one sided relationships ? Have you ever been in a relationship where you both were completely in love with each other?
    Do you think being loved by a great guy is something out of your reach?
    I have already been in one-sided relationships but I've never suffered that bad. The first one-sided relationship I experienced dates back as far as grade school, but at the time no-one took it seriously because of my very young age. I was crazy about this guy who didn't give a sh*t about me and eventually made fun of me the day he discovered I had the hots for him. I will never forget how wretched and humiliated I felt.

    I have been in quite a lot of relationships, but very rarely experienced complete mutual love. Sometimes the guy would love me and I would be like "meh, I like him but I'm not that mad about him", or on the contrary I would be totally in love and the guy would suddenly dump me like a piece of junk for no reason while I had the firm belief he really loved me. So yes, after all these failures I'm starting to feel like that loving and being loved by a great guy is out my reach

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you are?

    You're not going to be seen as "special" if (a) you don't believe you're special on your own and (b) you agree to un-special circumstances such as these. Hormones aside, it's not rocket science, and I think you're shortchanging both yourself and the idea of what love is in something like this.

    Lust? Sure, it's that, and there's a place for that. But the impression I'm getting is that you think of love as something that is invariably painful and corrosive to the spirit, so when you feel those feelings (the spiritual corrosion) you get invested, rather than see them for what they are—impediments to love, not the full spectrum of what love is and can be.

    Where I disagree with some of the sentiments here is that he's using you, or taking advantage of you. Dude has been clear. But until you can be clear—with yourself, with men—you're going to find yourself chasing deep feelings in shallow pools like this.

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