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Thread: Obsessed with my sexfriend... Help!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are stuck in an ongoing break up mode.

    For you, sex leads to hormones that make you attach to that part hard. However, you know the deal and you know rationally that you have nothing with this guy. So after sex, you are going through a version of a break up. He might call you again, he might not. He might meet someone else, he might not. You are sitting on edge waiting and high as a kite with fear and anticipation. Yes, the physical palpitations make sense and are real, BUT what you are feeling has nothing to do with love at all. This is your body's fight or flight response to severe stress you are causing to yourself. Nothing to do with this guy or love or romance whatsoever.

    The cure of course - end this arrangement today. Do not wait on him, but do it yourself. No more. Done. Take your power back and end the fear and anticipation. You'll find that while you might still go through some grief and pain of this last and real ending/breakup situation, you will stop living in this madness and start feeling normal again much faster than you think. What's killing you and fueling this whole thing is the fear of the impending doom, aka him never calling you again. You remove the fear by deciding that this isn't working for you and tell him the deal is off. Most importantly, please please understand that these intense feelings and emotions aren't love, it's fear and the rush of adrenaline driven by fear. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    As a recovered drug addict I can absolutely identify with this feeling. Nowadays I tend to be more like bluecastle’s uncomfortable chair analogy, but there was a time that I always opted for the vicious cycle of chasing the high. The insanity and sweats and scheming and fear of the lows was simply the price to be paid for the euphoric highs.
    You are perfectly right, it definitely looks like a drug addiction, with its highs (when we see each other for sexual encounters) and its lows (the days I spend alone, feeling like I'm turning insane, scheming and fearing and overthinking and in physical pain)

    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    So after sex, you are going through a version of a break up. He might call you again, he might not. He might meet someone else, he might not. You are sitting on edge waiting and high as a kite with fear and anticipation.
    I had never envisioned it as a version of a break-up before but yes that totally makes sense as I am reading you.

    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    What's killing you and fueling this whole thing is the fear of the impending doom, aka him never calling you again.
    Once again you're totally right, I'm in constant fear this affair/arrangement could end anytime and I'm endlessly envisioning this day when he will tell me something along the lines of "Sorry I've met someone (or I've gotten bored, or whatever reason), so I guess everything is over, thanks for the good times together and godspeed"
    Last edited by MoodyNights; 04-28-2020 at 02:40 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can get help (online for now) from Sex Addicts Anonymous: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by MoodyNights
    it definitely looks like a drug addiction, with its highs (when we see each other for sexual encounters) and its lows (the days I spend alone, feeling like I'm turning insane, scheming and fearing and overthinking and in physical pain)

  4. #14
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You can get help (online for now) from Sex Addicts Anonymous
    Thanks for the link, I think it could help me indeed :)

  5.  

  6. #15
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    If I sat on a chair that always caused back pain, I'd get a new chair. If I was in an erotic entanglement that caused this level of mental and emotional turmoil, I'd look to untangle myself, you know?
    I love your metaphor. The chair I'm sat on is very beautiful but it sure hurts my back like hell

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You agreed to terms that, from the beginning, did not align with your authentic self.
    This is absolutely true. In my head I was like "well I'd rather be in a romantic relationship with him but only sex is better than nothing I guess"... I really thought it would have been enough to make me happy, but then things took a nasty turn with all this pain and anguish and obsession In the beginning I felt like the luckiest woman in the world because he asked me for sex but now I'm beginning to wonder if it would not have been better for my mental health to never having had sex with him.
    Last edited by MoodyNights; 04-28-2020 at 03:25 PM.

  7. #16
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    OP, have you had other experiences like this in past?
    I've already had this kind of experience but it was not as bad as this one. It hurt like hell and took me a very long time to recover but it was because of being dumped by a boyfriend, not because of anticipating being dumped by a FWB.

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Have you even considered or tried to meet someone else?
    I have and still do, but for the present nobody else attracts me the way he does I love everything about this man, from his looks to his personality, tastes and so on. I try to be reasonable and telling myself he is only a human being with his qualities and faults, but for the present I'm putting him on a pedestal and that does more harm than good to me, for I always let him the upper hand on the relationship we're having.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MoodyNights
    I've already had this kind of experience but it was not as bad as this one. It hurt like hell and took me a very long time to recover but it was because of being dumped by a boyfriend, not because of anticipating being dumped by a FWB.



    I have and still do, but for the present nobody else attracts me the way he does I love everything about this man, from his looks to his personality, tastes and so on. I try to be reasonable and telling myself he is only a human being with his qualities and faults, but for the present I'm putting him on a pedestal and that does more harm than good to me, for I always let him the upper hand on the relationship we're having.
    But that's the thing - you don't have any kind of a relationship with him. Not even an fwb because the friendship part is missing. The terms he gave and you accepted? You are getting less out of this and being treated worse than a sex worker. You might as well ask him to pay up next time he wants to use you. How can you see this as being lucky? He deigned to fck you in the worst most dehumanizing way possible? Open your eyes - if he was even half way decent, he wouldn't treat you like that. I know players who'd treat you better than this.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MoodyNights
    In my head I was like "well I'd rather be in a romantic relationship with him but only sex is better than nothing I guess"
    What does a romantic relationship look like to you, if you remove the sex part?

    Serious question. I'm interested to know what your answer is.

    Originally Posted by MoodyNights
    I love everything about this man, from his looks to his personality, tastes and so on.
    Do you love the way he makes you disposable?

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    in the worst most dehumanizing way possible?
    Dehumanizing? You over-dramatized it.

  11. #20
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    What does a romantic relationship look like to you, if you remove the sex part?
    Interesting question, thanks for asking :) I must confess that sex plays a very important part in the romantic relationships I can develop. But in the same time I'm perfectly aware that well-functioning couples just can't have sex everytime they are together. There is so much more, and according to me, in an ideal relationship sex should come supporting the rest, not supplanting it.

    I see a romantic relationship as a partnership/team : we share common stuff such as tastes and viewpoints, but in the same time we both have our personal spaces. We give each other genuine attention and affection. We are here to enjoy nice moments in places whether public or private, but also to support each other during the bad times. We are happy when we see each other but also happy when we don't, because our happiness doesn't totally rely on the partner's presence by our side. We trust and respect each other. A well-working romantic relationship should boost the ego of both parts and make you want to outdo yourself everyday.

    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Do you love the way he makes you disposable?
    I can't say I particularly love this feeling. Deep down no-one likes to be treated like a wet rag, yet I love the fact that I'm being noticed/wanted by him, even if it is just for casual sex. As I wrote in my very first message, I know I sound a bit like a masochist person but I would do anything to make this guy happy, and this is killing me

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