Relationship anxiety. Help!

Greetings enotaloners. I have returned to receive some wisdom from this land.

I'm currently in my longest relationship ever. Iv always struggled in past relationships because of my fear of intimacy. But it kinda helped because the break ups never hurt as much. I used to subconsciously hold back my love.

I think I'm now in a relationship where iv let go. Funny thing is that all is good. We have learnt how to resolve our conflicts, learnt each other's love languages etc.

However, from time to time I struggle with relationship anxiety. It's nothing to do with my gf, I think it's a problem I have. I sometimes have thoughts that this is too good to be true and may end for whatever reason. I don't think iv acted out these feelings on her. She's very happy.

How do you guys handle/treat relationship anxiety?

Like any other what if anxiety - various ways that have worked for me - 4-7-8 breathing Weil method (google it), cardio exercise (or "angry clean" your house -scrubbing floors in particular) - but please don't burden your girlfriend with it because she's too close to it/biased and will assume it's something personal to do with her. Also regular volunteer work where you help others- where you get out of your head because it will train your mind away from self-absorption even when you're not volunteering. Also pay close attention to the basics -are you drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day? Avoiding too much caffeine or alcohol? Eating reasonably? Sleeping reasonably?

Like any other what if anxiety - various ways that have worked for me - 4-7-8 breathing Weil method (google it), cardio exercise (or "angry clean" your house -scrubbing floors in particular) - but please don't burden your girlfriend with it because she's too close to it/biased and will assume it's something personal to do with her. Also regular volunteer work where you help others- where you get out of your head because it will train your mind away from self-absorption even when you're not volunteering. Also pay close attention to the basics -are you drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day? Avoiding too much caffeine or alcohol? Eating reasonably? Sleeping reasonably?

I haven't told her about it as I do realize that it's something I need to deal with. I thought maybe it's a specific type of anxiety and not the same as anxiety in general. Maybe I can develop a habit of exercising it out and the breathing techniques...

I haven't told her about it as I do realize that it's something I need to deal with. I thought maybe it's a specific type of anxiety and not the same as anxiety in general. Maybe I can develop a habit of exercising it out and the breathing techniques...

But even specific anxieties benefit from what I wrote. I've been practicing the 4-7-8 breathing for years - do it when you're not anxious too for practice. I've been exercising regularly since 1982 and it does wonders for mental health and helps with stress and anxious feelings. I wouldn't make it a "maybe I'll try" -make a commitment to try natural, relatively easy/straightforward ways of dealing with anxiety - I am not an expert, just a person who's had to find ways to cope with stressful life situations and sharing what I've learned. I also had relationship anxiety so I get it.

Like any other what if anxiety - various ways that have worked for me - 4-7-8 breathing Weil method (google it), cardio exercise (or "angry clean" your house -scrubbing floors in particular) - but please don't burden your girlfriend with it because she's too close to it/biased and will assume it's something personal to do with her. Also regular volunteer work where you help others- where you get out of your head because it will train your mind away from self-absorption even when you're not volunteering. Also pay close attention to the basics -are you drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day? Avoiding too much caffeine or alcohol? Eating reasonably? Sleeping reasonably?

This is so solid.

As a man who tends to think I have some kind of rare, exotic emotional disorder (which is surely somehow linked to my EXTRAORDINARY intelligence 😉) I can speak from experience that all of techniques listed above have worked wonders for me to get right sized and not take myself so dang seriously all the time. To be more humble and realize that I don’t need to hyper analyze my human behavior. A good friend of mine calls it “pole vaulting mouse turds.”

Anyhow, what else REALLY changed my life in a deep and meaningful way and I would encourage anyone to look into is adopting a regular meditation practice. Helped me step back and SEE my anxiety rather than BE my anxiety.

Congrats on doing the work to maintain the great relationship you’re enjoying!

Good stuff above.

Having participated in your early threads, about the very fraught early on/off/ghosting days of this, I'll just add this: the more fraught the beginning, the longer it's going to take to level out. Think of it like a long trip on a boat, but the first two days are marked by storms, seasickness, fear of capsizing. That doesn't go away when the sun comes out—or, well, it does, just a bit, because sunshine is nice. But it's not purged from the system. Only thing that does that is time, and more sunny days out there.

So: inhale, exhale, accept the full breadth of the experience here. It's great that things are going well—congrats!—and totally normal to still be a bit uneasy, here and there, given how things started out. Maybe give yourself a timeline to check back in about all this—three months, say, or six—and until then just accept whatever feelings pass through, even the occasional jagged ones. This is still a new journey, all in all, and you're still figuring out how far you can go. Exciting! But also scary! Make a little room for both those feelings and you'll have all the answers, in time.

Think about what control you do have, i.e.: I have the control to choose someone who doesn't exhibit dealbreakers. I have the control to choose someone who has all of my must-haves. I have the control to be the best boyfriend I can be. I have the control to make a fulfilling life besides having a girlfriend.

When all of these things are in place, breathe easy that you've done all you can do, and let the rest go. Use positive self talk: If the relationship doesn't work out, I will be upset for a little while, but then I'll move on because I have a support system of friends and fun hobbies. It will mean that my fate lies with someone else, and that's okay.

For now, don't project to the future. Be present, in the present, for that special someone. You owe that to her, since she's had the good taste to choose you.

Why the trust issues? Is this related to past relationships or your upbringing?

I think you have to stop and think...what are the triggers that brings these feelings of anxiety. Once you acknowledge them, you can then deal with them, by diverting your attention, ignoring it, or taking yourself out of that situation and do deep breathing, count to 10 to clear your head.

They say if you do the breathing exercises like you would do stretches, twice a day for 2 mins...each session is good for 8 hours to relax the anxiety.

Yes. The beginning was really hard. Our relationship has completely transformed from those days.

But I guess, the beginning is still in my mind and I guess I'm still in a way recovering from. It. I am excited and scared, iv never been in a relationship like this

Good stuff above.

 

Having participated in your early threads, about the very fraught early on/off/ghosting days of this, I'll just add this: the more fraught the beginning, the longer it's going to take to level out. Think of it like a long trip on a boat, but the first two days are marked by storms, seasickness, fear of capsizing. That doesn't go away when the sun comes out—or, well, it does, just a bit, because sunshine is nice. But it's not purged from the system. Only thing that does that is time, and more sunny days out there.

 

So: inhale, exhale, accept the full breadth of the experience here. It's great that things are going well—congrats!—and totally normal to still be a bit uneasy, here and there, given how things started out. Maybe give yourself a timeline to check back in about all this—three months, say, or six—and until then just accept whatever feelings pass through, even the occasional jagged ones. This is still a new journey, all in all, and you're still figuring out how far you can go. Exciting! But also scary! Make a little room for both those feelings and you'll have all the answers, in time.

Yes. The beginning was really hard. Our relationship has completely transformed from those days.

But I guess, the beginning is still in my mind and I guess I'm still in a way recovering from. It. I am excited and scared, iv never been in a relationship like this

I had relationship anxiety back in the day. I never even had a boyfriend in my life until I met my husband when I was 20 years old! In fact, I had gone out on only 3 dinner dates in my entire life before I met my husband! I never dated in high school, college, never went to any dances, nothing. Since those dinner dates were duds, I gave up hope regarding ever meeting anyone suitable. Then my husband, my Prince Charming waltzed into my life. It was a stroke of "dumb luck" which means it happened by chance and wasn't planned. Like you, I felt I didn't deserve him since all the men I knew in my life ever since observing them from childhood, relatives, neighbors, friends and colleagues were dishonorable men. None of them were good enough. I didn't want to be with an average man. I wanted a man who stood out from the crowd.

For years, I felt as if I didn't deserve my husband. He hailed from a mom 'n pop 'n apple pie background, a great, NORMAL, stable, loving, nurturing family which was the complete opposite of my poor, toxic, violent and dysfunctional home life. I definitely married up.

Then over the years of raising a family together, working hard to raise two amazing sons and savoring our settled, very comfortable suburban lifestyle, I've come the conclusion that yes indeed I deserve what I have and yes indeed, I don't feel guilty whatsoever to feel entitled. I'm gratefully blessed. I chose him and made the right decision for life. No regrets.

You'll feel secure when you calm down. Take good care of yourself and your health. There is a sound body, sound mind connection. Also, learn to be independent minded instead of always doing everything as a couple. Develop your own interests, hobbies, sports, eat right, focus on health and then you won't feel so nervous and anxious anymore. Become comfortable within your own skin in order to feel secure and at peace. This is how you attain control in your life.

Change the way you think and act. This is how you become a secure, settled person. Also, get busy and become productive and industrious. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Yes. The beginning was really hard. Our relationship has completely transformed from those days.

 

But I guess, the beginning is still in my mind and I guess I'm still in a way recovering from. It. I am excited and scared, iv never been in a relationship like this

Being scared and being excited are, from one angle, different words to describe the same thing. Maybe remind yourself of that here and there, when your brain is quick to label it as "fear"? I have to do this from time to time—in my own relationship, while riding my motorcycle, etc.—and always finds it brings a needed dose of calm that makes for a smoother ride.

And, as Cherylyn noted, make sure that you are always continuing to develop yourself as an individual. If the relationship is an engine, the components are two individuals. The more refined they are, the better the engine hums.