Basically Lost 2 Guys at Once

It’s been years since I’ve posted here...Unfortunately love has gotten the best of me again. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read my saga!

I ended a 2.5-year relationship a few weeks ago with a man I lived with. Things were fine, I just felt myself really growing apart from him and not feeling like I wanted to invest in fixing it. I felt like the relationship had run its course.

Enter cute guy at work a couple of months ago. We were both in relationships but we slowly start talking. Eventually we are texting daily. I ask about his relationship and he explains that it’s long distance and they hardly speak anymore and he’s on the brink of ending it. I tell him I’m also unhappy in mine. We decide that we are going to end our relationships to be together. We talk crazy like about soul mates, how drawn we are to one another, how we felt magnetism the first time we saw each other, etc., barf. It felt so good.

Finally I find the right time to end it with the ex. He’s devastated, throws a fit. I go to new guy’s house later that same night and we spend 2 nights together. He tells me he loves me and I say it back.

We both work the next day and he seems a little less excited. Says he’s just tired. Next day he says he wants to slow things down because we are moving too fast. I agree. We see each other once or twice a week for the next couple of weeks. He’s back and forth on how much energy he puts into texting me. The excitement about me seems gone already. I start bringing that up. He says things like “it’s still there, I’m just comfortable :)” or talks about how he is really focused on how he’s moving soon and it’s taking up a lot of his mind.

I feel like he is only texting me about himself now. Doesn’t ask many questions about me. Doesn’t seem excited about me. I keep bringing up how he is acting more reserved, ask if he still wants me. He says yes.

Finally one night I’ve had too much wine and I say that I’m not getting what I deserve from him and I’ve decided to pursue other options. He basically says “I respect your decision.” Then I get upset that he’s being so neutral. Ask how he can go from saying he loves someone to this. I kind of bombard him with my frustrated feelings. Then try to FaceTime him. He doesn’t reply to my texts or missed call.

Next day, still nothing. Wait about 27 hours and send him another FaceTime call. Nothing. He was moving during these couple of days but he completely ignored me and it’s hard for me to excuse that even with the moving, though maybe I’m wrong. So, this morning, after basically 2 days of silence, I send him a text saying “Fickle is the best word to describe you. Bye” and block him.

I feel so whiplashed. I know that us being in relationships was red flag #1, him love bombing me and saying he loves me so quickly #2. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me, and honestly thought I was above being whisked into something so fickle and immature. I know it was only a couple of months but I am completely devastated.

What is the enotalone community’s take on this? And what lessons can I glean? I feel like an idiot. I am heartbroken. And I really thought we had fallen for each other.

Thanks again for listening.

I think you jumped way too fast with this guy, and moving in with him so soon was just plain wrong. Your take away from this is to slow down. Dont be in such a hurry to move on. Learn from your mistakes.

Just to clarify, I lived with my 2.5-year ex, not the new guy. We just spent a couple of nights together after our breakups. Thank you for the advice, I agree it was too fast.

 

I feel so whiplashed. I know that us being in relationships was red flag #1, him love bombing me and saying he loves me so quickly #2. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me, and honestly thought I was above being whisked into something so fickle and immature. I know it was only a couple of months but I am completely devastated.

 

What is the enotalone community’s take on this? And what lessons can I glean? I feel like an idiot. I am heartbroken. And I really thought we had fallen for each other.

 

Thanks again for listening.

I noticed your timing of being unhappy, broken up for a couple weeks, yet cultivating an attraction to someone else going back a couple months prior.

What to learn? Resolve the issues in your current relationship or end it first. Monkey branching from to another gets you where you are at. Feeling really foolish and not having enough solid ground under you to navigate a break up with two men simultaneously. Not fun at all.

Had you ended your relationship and taken the time to heal from it, guy #2 may not have had the same attraction or you would have had enough balance that you wouldn't have fallen so quickly to someone who hadn't taken the time to prove himself. You might have been more discerning.

Lesson learned. Learn it well.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like this hot and heavy fling gave you the courage to end a dead relationship. Have you moved out and severed all ties ? You didn't lose either of them. One was dying and one was never started. Try to differentiate the high of a hookup in the midst of the sadness of watching a relationship die from 'losing both'..

I ended a 2.5-year relationship a few weeks ago with a man I lived with. I felt like the relationship had run its course.

Sorry about all this.

Agree with melancholy that the big lesson here is that driving with gas pedal pressed to the floor tends to lead to a crash. Yes, it's much easier to end a relationship when you've got a new one lined up, but it's also very hard to connect when you're in a volatile state emotionally, as both of you were.

Dig deep, and, judging from the title of this thread, I suspect you'll find that a lot of the pain you're feeling right now is more connected to your long relationship not working out, rather than this thing falling apart after basically 48 hours of exposure to reality. Give yourself some time to feel all these feelings—not fun, no, but needed—and you'll emerge sturdier, more ready to authentically connect as opposed to using connection to keep uncomfortable feelings at bay.

Bottom line here is that, if you were more solid on your own feet, and in your own heart, you wouldn't have gone nuclear when his texts got a little less sparkly. That's dating, after all: exciting connections full of potential that often sputter out after a few days, a few weeks. It's only the end of the world when you make it the solution to your world, if that makes sense.

I say that I’m not getting what I deserve from him and I’ve decided to pursue other options. He basically says “I respect your decision.”

That’s the part of your story that I identified with the most because it’s a lesson I’ve personally learned the hard way: never say it’s over unless you really want it to be over.

I’ve said it to someone I really loved because I wanted her to fight for me. To demonstrate her love for me by being visibly and dramatically upset when I said I wanted to end it. She reacted like this guy did, she took me at face value and let me go with dignity. D’oh!!

Now, this month I got to also be on the other side. Years after being the perpetrator I was on the receiving end. My ex told me she couldn’t see a situation where our relationship would work and so I left. Days later in an email she begged for me back and revealed that she was just feeling insecure and wanted me to reassure her, not leave... But I don’t want a relationship with somebody who is insecure and passive aggressive and so we are going to stay broken up.

So having been on both sides is what really made this part of your story stand out for me. Sorry you find yourself feeling down, I love wise man’s perspective and wish you peace and a speedy recovery

Going to echo Wiseman here. You didn't lose two guys, you discarded one and never had the other. On top of that, you were both cheating on your respective SO's.

No, OP, you didn't do the right thing, you were cheating for 2 months before finally dumping your long term bf for the new guy. Emotional cheating is cheating.

As for the new guy...well....never bond or trust someone who is willing to cheat. You don't know if his relationship is actually on the rocks or not at all. Either way, make sure the guy is actually fully single before you even start up. Sounds to me like what happened here is it was all fun and games and exciting until you actually left your bf and started to act too much like a gf with the new guy. Turns out he didn't want that with you at all.

Lesson here is if you are not happy, break up. Be single, get yourself sorted and choose the next guy wisely rather than impulsively. It will help you avoid the "omg guy we are instant soulmates" con. It's called mirroring, btw.

I'm sorry but I'm glad you learnt that lesson. Commitment means sticking it through through the nice times and bad times. You left a stable relationship for some excitement. You'll never find something concrete in that manner.

You are the issue here, not that other guy. The new guy saw what you were capable of (leaving a 2.5 year relationship for done thing new). Why would he be an exception to such behavior?

Lol..sorry, I'm not trying to be rude but you were semi cheating on your boyfriend getting emotionally involved with another man BEFORE you broke up with him and now prince charming isn't interested.

Take it as a harsh lesson, you might look good to someone sitting up on a shelf but once they have full access to you, the pursue is over and you no longer seem exciting.

Also..the grass is not greener on the other side. You need to take care and water what you have. If you let it go to crap thinking something or someone else is going to be your saving grace because it looks better, you will be very disappointed.

Grass is not greener on the other side

Probably best to stay on your own for now and rethink about what kind of partner YOU are and how to become a better person.

Ya'll are being a lot more nice about her situation than how I view it. She cheated to large degree, thought she was smart to run off on her boyfriend and now is left with a pile of dung.

I won’t deny that I didn’t handle the end of my relationship well. Though I do want to clarify that the “emotional cheating” aspect took place over a couple of weeks, during which I told my ex that I was developing feelings for someone else and he stayed in a hotel for a couple of days, and when he came back we hardly spoke for those 2 weeks and were in kind of a limbo period. Again, I own up to not handling it well, but he was aware of what was going on and knew that we were on the verge of breaking up. I didn’t have the strength to do it quicker. That is completely on me.

Oh right, so lusting after another man, while actually IN a relationship, throwing your partner over the coals, and not giving a damn about his feelings because you had a shiny new toy...is all good?

I'm sorry, but life showed you what you will get behaving this way.

I won’t deny that I didn’t handle the end of my relationship well. Though I do want to clarify that the “emotional cheating” aspect took place over a couple of weeks, during which I told my ex that I was developing feelings for someone else and he stayed in a hotel for a couple of days, and when he came back we hardly spoke for those 2 weeks and were in kind of a limbo period. Again, I own up to not handling it well, but he was aware of what was going on and knew that we were on the verge of breaking up. I didn’t have the strength to do it quicker. That is completely on me.

Ummm....what kind of warped logic is that? You told your long term bf that you are cheating so it doesn't make it cheating? Are you serious?

You couldn't have been more cruel to your ex if you tried and no kidding he had nothing to say to you after that little stunt. Also, please don't try to minimize this to two weeks. Your ex is not that stupid and we here aren't either. To start to develop feelings for someone else, you have to be already involved with that someone else. It's not rocket science.

Listen, another life lesson here is if you are going to dump a person for someone else, at least have one shred of kindness and don't actually spell that out for them. Break up because you want to break up, but don't be like "hey I'm replacing you with a new shiny toy. You are good with that right?" Some people can get damaged for life with this.

As the old saying goes, "we reap what we sow." Anything that seems too good to be true, usually is"...and so on and so forth...

your relationship didn't just "run its course," but you developed feelings for this "cute guy at work," allowed yourself to drift away from your relationship and basically emotionally cheated on your ex with the new guy (and he did the same on his ex - or are they still together?). People like this guy, who gets involved with someone in a relationship while they themselves are also in a relationship, are often looking for some side fun, not any real attachment. Why are you surprised that he wasn't so thrilled when you dumped your ex and now he owes you a relationship? Also know that should you stay with him he would be capable of cheating on you, just as he did with his LDR ex/gf. You really didn't lose anything here.

As for your ex, I hope you don't try to go back to him now that you've lost "two guys at once." He doesn't deserve that.

Please, whatever you do, please do not try to go creeping back to your ex because you're feeling sorry for yourself. Or for any reason. Leave him alone. No texts to "say 'hi'", no seeing how he's doing, no commenting or "liking" anything on his social media.

I’ve known people who were in long term relationships that were stagnating and going bad despite one (and sometimes both) party’s best efforts to fix it/recover the magic/etc. for example one woman wasn’t getting the sexual attention she wanted from her husband. At around 11 years into their marriage they went to a sex therapist for some time before the husband decided it was useless and refused to continue. She decided to stay and water and weed the grass on her side out of loyalty. At year 14 an old flame hit her up on Facebook and she proceeded to have an emotional and sexting affair. A week into it she told her husband as a last ditch effort to get his buy-in in their marriage and he said it was better they just got a divorce. I don’t think either of the parties in that marriage were perfect, they both made mistakes but neither of them was a hand-wringing plotter our to harm the other, nor were they absolutely selfish and ignorant. They were just frustrated people doing their best and stumbling along like the rest of us.

So you could lambaste people for not trying hard enough, trying too hard, being cruel or not being assertive enough, but at the end of the day I wonder if finger wagging and scolding is really effective at helping people receive constructive criticism.

So you could lambast people for not trying hard enough, trying too hard, being cruel or not being assertive enough, but at the end of the day I wonder if finger wagging and scolding is really effective at helping people receive constructive criticism.

I agree with this.

Look, the ending of something is rarely clean, regardless of what stories we tell ourselves, which I think is kind of the big lesson to be metabolized here. You have to accept that it's messy, and messes you up, probably more than you know. That sudden, fierce attraction to someone new? That sense that they hold the keys to all that was missing with someone else? It's very often less about some magical connection than it is a reflection of the mess you're still getting out of. Another symptom, not the cure. Try to clean a countertop with a dirty sponge—well, it just doesn't work.

Remove the recent relationship and blurred lines, and what's the story here? It's just dating. Seemed promising, despite a field of red flags, and sputtered quick. But if it was between two people who were ready to date, rather than two people looking to clean a mess, it wouldn't be that big a deal. No need for the grand proclamations right away, no need for the passive-aggressive, wine-fueled "relationship talks" as it unwound.

Reason it all seems catastrophic? That's the dirty sponge. Needs to be wrung out for a bit. Not a fun experience to learn that, but there it is: an unfortunate chapter in an unfortunate breakup. Time to take a moment or two to just let it all go, get reacquainted with who you are and where you've been, and then start wading into this pool. Always more fun to cook a feast in a clean kitchen.

So, y’all are right, and I truly do feel like a complete butt face. I know that I did my ex wrong. I know I’m an emotional mess and I essentially cheated on a kind, innocent man. I never wanted to do anyone evil but I know that I did in my selfish pursuit for satisfaction and attention. I truly hope that I can come out of this at least a somewhat good person because all I want in life is to be a good person. This whole situation has devastated me and I feel awful. All I’ve ever prided myself on is being an empath and a people server and now I’m even questioning that. So I don’t even know what I exist for anymore. I will absolutely not reach out to my ex, I never ever intended to hurt him in that way. I wish I had left him sooner. I am weak and needed the attention. How can I redeem myself? How can I become a good person again, or I guess for the first time if I never was one? I feel like a sinful pile of soot. I’ve heard the term “once a cheater always a cheater” and now I worry I fall into that category. If so I don’t even deserve to be consoled. I’m sorry to the enotalone community for failing everyone and being so indecent. I truly mean it. I admit that I’m a mess.

Start by forgetting this new guy. It doesn't sound like he has any real intention of taking things further with you.

And leave your ex be, too. Make sure you don't try to wiggle back into his life because this new guy didn't work out.

Then ask yourself why you gave yourself permission to get involved with someone else before actually ending your relationship. Explore what went on there, inside you. That is where you will need to do the most work, so that you don't wind up repeating the same behaviour in the future.

So you could lambaste people for not trying hard enough, trying too hard, being cruel or not being assertive enough, but at the end of the day I wonder if finger wagging and scolding is really effective at helping people receive constructive criticism.

That's not how it is, sometimes people need to have a mirror put up to them if there is going to be any kind of realizations made or to more forward at all.

This woman is justifying everything she did and the steps she took. That in itself is not helpful. I understand that relationships and marriages break down, I know how it can be when things become unbearable and you feel like nothing will fix it.

However, even in those times, you shouldn't throw your partner under the bus or feel that there is someone out there who will make all your dreams come true and solve a stale relationship.

Yes, people do it all the time. But it will cause a heap of destruction in their path on massively hurting their partner and going about it the very wrong way.

Life may not be perfection, but it would make much more sense to do everything possible to fix the relationship and if it's still not feasible, then gently end things.

Once some time has passed, (months), only then does it make sense to start looking around. This isn't just for the partner who got dumped sake, but also for the one who did the dumping as it can be a very confusing time and monkey branching has a very low chance of ever working.

I give advice based on all of these factors, however I don't always write it all out like this, assuming that most understand the place to which my words are coming from.

There are two different paths to ending a relationship, one is a lot more sensible and less pain, the other is very destructive and can cause lifelong damage to someone.

I would like to think OP learns from her actions.

So, y’all are right, and I truly do feel like a complete butt face. I know that I did my ex wrong. I know I’m an emotional mess and I essentially cheated on a kind, innocent man. I never wanted to do anyone evil but I know that I did in my selfish pursuit for satisfaction and attention. I truly hope that I can come out of this at least a somewhat good person because all I want in life is to be a good person. This whole situation has devastated me and I feel awful. All I’ve ever prided myself on is being an empath and a people server and now I’m even questioning that. So I don’t even know what I exist for anymore. I will absolutely not reach out to my ex, I never ever intended to hurt him in that way. I wish I had left him sooner. I am weak and needed the attention. How can I redeem myself? How can I become a good person again, or I guess for the first time if I never was one? I feel like a sinful pile of soot. I’ve heard the term “once a cheater always a cheater” and now I worry I fall into that category. If so I don’t even deserve to be consoled. I’m sorry to the enotalone community for failing everyone and being so indecent. I truly mean it. I admit that I’m a mess.

Radiate, you aren't the first one to make a mistake. Relationships are difficult to navigate as are feelings. But it's always good to learn lessons along the way too in order to grow.

You are not condemned for the rest of your life. This is something you can learn from, grow from and move forward from.

It's not so much that you hurt your ex like you did, (although I know you realize now that it was the wrong way to go about things), but more so it was about understanding there are always going to be temptations out there, but many of them are going to end up being a waste of your time. So you have to tread far more carefully.

This guy at work basically fooled you. He "love bombed" gave you a fantasy to follow and then essentially walked out on you.

People like him are a dime a dozen, and no doubt should you ever enter a relationship again, you will at some point, come across another one like him.

But I think many have made some excellent points here to not forgot.

If the person who is flirting with you/paying attention to you, knows you're in a relationship, that's a huge red flag that this person has little respect for loyalty.

The person who cheats with you, will cheat on you.

Secondly, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

I know all of this sounds very cliche, however these sayings were born out of harsh truths that people have lived through thousands, maybe even millions of times over.

But there is and can be healing in all of this. All of you will move forward from this. You will all heal, even your ex.

But as long as you choose to learn the lessons and grow, there is no reason why you can't eventually find love again and have better success to next time around.

Our job on here is not to criticize you but to guide you with what we have lived through. Yes, at times we may not word it as brilliantly as others. But the fact alone that we spend loads of times writing on here really is testament to how we are trying to do our best to help.

There is not one of us who has not been in a bad place like you are right now, we have all been confused, been human, made mistakes.

The best you can do with it is heal, learn, move forward with better knowledge and understanding.

You are obviously an empath with the words you wrote expressing your remorse. You just went off track momentarily. It happens.

But you are trying to get back on track, and that's what matters

OP I don’t buy into the “once a cheater always a cheater thing.” I know people can change. I cheated on my ex wife once and felt so incredibly horrible afterwards that I’ve never cheated again.

Every day is a new day and you get to pick your North Star, choose the principles you wish to embrace and embody.

I know you feel like ish, everything turned into a hot mess...but this might be the series of events that drives you to evolve into the best version of yourself. We see it all the time, people who decide not to get stuck in the swamp of “poor me” and get to eating healthy, working out, being rigorously honest with every interaction they participate in, etc. These people who make the effort to start always choosing the high road still stumble and make mistakes, that’s universal, but they never “get stuck” in the dumps...that morass of negativity...

So I hope your next trip to the grocery store (or delivery in this age of the virus?!) ends up with tons of fruits and vegetables in your pantry. I hope you decide to take your physical health up to the next level. I

Hope you start listening to audiobooks about how to thrive as an empath. I hope you give yourself this moment to mope, but with a firm resolution to come out swinging!

Good luck!

Well, the way I see it from your post is that yeah, you weren't happy with your ex. You were probably subconsciously looking for a way out and that's why you got infatuated with this guy at work. You don't actually seem sad that it's over with your ex. I think the new guy also was just looking for an excuse to end his relationship. He saw you as the unattainable "shiny new thing". But the problem is that once he had you, you weren't as exciting anymore. That's why I think his interest began to drop off. It didn't really sound normal that he said he loved you after spending only a couple of days together. I think he was just on a rebound and needed someone to monkey branch to. It seems like your best course of action would be to start moving on from both guys.