Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: Want to support but afraid to string along

  1. #1
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male

    Want to support but afraid to string along

    Okay guys, lay some insightful love on me!

    A little over a week ago my ex girlfriend and I broke up when it became clear that I would likely be moving for my new job in a few months. She doesn’t want a long distance relationship and she didn’t want to get more attached by continuing to date while we waited to see for sure if I’d be moving. Understandable. And to be really clear, she gave an ultimatum but I ended up being the one to say “we should end this.”

    There was one “oops I messed up, I don’t care where you live I love you” email from her a couple of days after we split. I didn’t reply. Then a single text the next day “did I get her email?” And I told her I was going no contact.

    Today I got the NSA booty call text and I didn’t reply. JUST NOW I got a text explaining that she is losing her house and she knows it’s not the smartest choice because she “misses me and my touch” but she just wants to get physical and get her mind off of things.

    I know I can’t just have sex, I’m not wired like that. I’d be all up in my feelings and it would seriously retard my healing. What I find tempting is the idea that I could text or talk on the phone with her and be a good listener and a supportive friend. And maybe this is egotistical, but my fear with that is that she’ll take it as a sign that there’s a chance. That I’ll be unintentionally stringing her along, or that I will have to break up with her all over again on the phone if she attempts to win me back.

    I don’t think she is being intentionally manipulative, is she? Like actively trying to figure out a way to work her way back in to a relationship? I get the impression she’s trying to “fix” on me, and the possibility of getting back together is a bonus side effect in her mind? Maybe it doesn’t matter what her intent is? Feels cold af to ignore/block her after hearing news like losing her house - but I’m willing to do whatever the kindest thing is, whatever difficult feelings I have around that.

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,960
    Yes, she is searching for a way to get your attention IMO. She tried the backpedal, then sex, now she's going the pity route.

    "Kind" would be you not giving her false hope. I bet her friends are telling her you wouldn't engage with her if you didn't still love her and want to be with her.

    If you feel like you absolutely must engage with her for whatever reason, do NOT have sex with her! Do not offer to "help", do not tell her you're there for her anytime she needs you. You can express sympathy for her situation but do not make any offers of any kind. And do NOT go to her place!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,497
    Gender
    Female
    I think you should not talk to her unless you really want to, I think she wants you back and is doing her best to try to make that happen. If you do contact her she will likely think she has a chance to win you back. Unless you want that, dont do it.

    If you dont want to talk to her it's time to delete and block her from your phone and any social media.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male
    I guess that’s the crux of the question...can I talk to her WITHOUT giving false hope? Is that even a possibility? She isn’t my girlfriend any more, so maybe it’s best to just remain radio silent?

    Am I an azzhole if I choose to ignore her texts?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I think you should not talk to her unless you really want to, I think she wants you back and is doing her best to try to make that happen. If you do contact her she will likely think she has a chance to win you back. Unless you want that, dont do it.

    If you dont want to talk to her it's time to delete and block her from your phone and any social media.
    Didn’t see your post when I put my last reply up...this gets straight to the point and I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,960
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I guess that’s the crux of the question...can I talk to her WITHOUT giving false hope? Is that even a possibility? She isn’t my girlfriend any more, so maybe it’s best to just remain radio silent?

    Am I an azzhole if I choose to ignore her texts?
    You can tell her that you're sorry about what happened. But again, do not offer support, help, a shoulder to cry on, don't tell her you're there for her if she needs you...and most certainly do not accept her offer of sex. Unless you want to have to disentangle yourself again.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,497
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I guess that’s the crux of the question...can I talk to her WITHOUT giving false hope? Is that even a possibility? She isn’t my girlfriend any more, so maybe it’s best to just remain radio silent?

    Am I an azzhole if I choose to ignore her texts?
    Yup I get to the point! No I dont think you can talk to her without giving her false hope. Radio silence is a very good plan! No you are not an azzhole!. Like you said, she's not your gf, you dont have an obligation to her. If you are done, then you are done. Block and delete and work on moving on.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male
    So this is where I’m leaving it for now:

    I decided not to reply whatsoever tonight. If I wake up tomorrow and feel the need to say anything, then I’ll re-evaluate in the morning. Otherwise, I will just keep on keepin’ on.

    I decided not to try to date, or even browse OLD profiles during “lamer at home” quarantine time...because as much as I love to exchange some texts or have an occasional video call, the thought alone of endless chit-chat absolutely tires me out. I’m a big believer in meeting up for a chemistry check as soon as you have a spark of interest, and since that isn’t happening then I’m just using this time to focus on my career and my spiritual fitness. Wow, that was quite a tangent, lol. Better to type too much than talk to myself though?

    Thank you ladies, for chiming in tonight and helping me stay sane-ish.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,289
    Don't try to figure her out. Keep in mind, she is your ex-girlfriend so keep it this way. Text her that you wish her well and it's time for both of you to go your separate ways. Tell her you are in NC (no contact) mode. It's not cold to block her AFTER you've given her fair warning.

    As for her losing her house, it's not your problem. It's HER problem. She's a big girl and her house is HER responsibility.

    My thoughts are: Be kind and fair to yourself. You need to move on with your life.

    Cut it off with her so you two can start anew with your own lives. Remaining in contact is unhealthy and you can never let go for real. It's time to sever ties permanently so both of you can heal.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male
    Yep agree about the value of NC. , I’m thinking I will not respond at all since I already gave her the NC warning. I said a little prayer & I’ll see how things feel after sleeping on it.

    I would like to explore the possibility of being friends down the line, so I’m not going to do anything permanent - but you’re so right about not being able to heal properly while maintaining any communication. Not gonna lie, she tugged the heartstrings this afternoon with the losing her house news, but by pausing and giving myself time to process, rather than reacting (and with help from the lovely ladies of ENA) I think I’ve come to the opinion that doing and saying nothing is the kindest choice today.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •