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Thread: Want to support but afraid to string along

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Being friends with her won't work. She is too unstable and insecure and will only drag you down. Before you know it, her problems will become YOUR problems. Don't get roped into her drama. Beware.

    Treat an ex-girlfriend like an ex-girlfriend. There's no such thing as being friends post break up because it's too awkward and eventually, her stressful life will become YOUR stress.

    If you still want to remain friends, you need her which is unhealthy. No one can move on when both of you are still in contact.

    If you've arrived at your own conclusions, do what you think is best.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're both sort of going through the same thing.

    Why don't you meet her halfway and say, "Listen, I think we're both a little stir-crazy because of the current circumstances. We've talked about this during saner times, and both of us know that this relationship is not going to work out. I think we should make a clean break now, like we would if we weren't both stuck in a holding pattern. If we keep going back and forth like this, we're just going to make things a mess for us."

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    It sounds like you're both sort of going through the same thing.

    Why don't you meet her halfway and say, "Listen, I think we're both a little stir-crazy because of the current circumstances. We've talked about this during saner times, and both of us know that this relationship is not going to work out. I think we should make a clean break now, like we would if we weren't both stuck in a holding pattern. If we keep going back and forth like this, we're just going to make things a mess for us."
    This is probably what I'd end up doing.

    Whether there is healthy communication in the future, or something like friendship, or just peace, you're smart enough to know it's not going to come from a post-breakup quarantine collision. Looking back at the ending of my healthiest relationships, it's inevitable that there's some static and friction in the wake of them ending—emotional exhaust fumes, is how I think of it. This is that, basically, and neither of you gets anything but inhaling them.

    Putting it out there as Jib suggested is basically owning that, with heart and grace, and while you can't control her it might give you the platform you need to move on, and forward, and give yourself the time you need to process.

  4. #14
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I agree with everything that’s been said - in fact, I agree to the point that we’ve *already had* that conversation haha. So I just didn’t respond to her texts from yesterday. I feel like “trying again” to explain that it’s over would be counterproductive. In other words, breaking no contact to reinforce no contact seems like the wrong play in my mind.

    What Cherylyn is saying about severing all ties completely and forever makes a lot of sense, but in my experience it’s just been a little different. I had a good friendship with one ex (we’ve since parted ways, but no hard feelings it just seemed to run its course) and I’m still friends with another ex. Then there’s my ex wife: I couldn’t describe us as friends per se (our only interaction is as co-parents,) but we get along great and I have utmost respect for her. When we do have occasion to briefly catch up I enjoy our time together very much and wish the best for her. These three friendly relationships definitely all came after a NC “cooling off period” and that’s why I think you’re all right about that. And let’s be honest: I‘ve definitely had breakups that I wanted to be permanent, lol.

    So after a good night’s sleep I’ve decided to just not respond. It really sucks that she is losing her house but in my estimation it’s impossible for me to offer her empathy or to find out what the whole story around that is without stirring up her feelings even more than they obviously already are. I don’t want to light a fire I don’t intend to stoke and maintain. I REALLY don’t want to offer false hope or string anyone along.
    Last edited by Skeptic76; 04-26-2020 at 01:45 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Skeptic76. It's good that ever since you've slept on it, you've since reconsidered. It's better not to respond. Yes, losing her house is unfortunate but there's nothing you can do and remember, it's not your problem anyway. She is responsible for her financial situation which is not your domain.

    I agree, never string anyone along because it is deceitful and deception is unforgivable.

  7. #16
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    Didn't read all the comments properly but basically, yes, she's trying to get you back. And, no, don't talk to her unless you genuinely want to get back together. If it's over then I think it's best you totally ignore her. Maybe send her a quick message wishing her all the best and then actually block on everything. It may seem harsh but it's for her own good.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm with Bolt's sig:
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain.
    Attempts to play social worker with an ex aren't kind or helpful. They make a mess that drills both of you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    If you're not willing to consider reconciling with her, please don't go there.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I agree with every post on this thread to one degree or another. Amazing. I didn’t reply to her. You guys rule, thank you! Really helped keep me on course and stay focused on “the path of least resistance.”

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You did the right thing. It's time to really move on with your life, Skeptic76.

  11. #20
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    You did the right thing. It's time to really move on with your life, Skeptic76.
    I dated her for four months, then I ended it with her when things didn’t seem to be aligned all that good. I considered replying to a text she sent less than a week later but decided against it.

    It’s time to really move on with my life?

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