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Fiancé and I cannot agree on where to live


MBL24

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My fiancé (27M) and I (26F) are on the verge of calling off our engagement because we cannot agree on where to live. We started dating about 8 years ago and did long distance for almost 4 of those years. Until two years ago, we were both certain we would eventually move back to the city my family currently lives in and where we both grew up. I am very close with my family and have always known and made it clear that I wanted to settle down near them.

 

Three years ago, we decided that I would move to the city my fiancé lives in (across the country) with the intention of moving back to be near the city we are both from after a couple years. At the time it made sense because we were both starting our careers and he has many close friends from college here while my close friends were scattered across the country.

 

While I have grown to enjoy the city we currently live in, I still would like to make our permanent home near my family. My fiancé, however, has completely changed his mind about moving back. His reasoning is that the weather and economy are better in our current city and the cost of living is much lower. We both have good jobs currently and I would be making less money working in the city we are from. I completely understand his logical and financially responsible reasoning, but living so far from my family has been really hard on both me and my family.

 

We have been living in apartments for 3 years and he insists on buying a house in the city where we currently live when our lease is up this summer. I told him that buying a house would keep us in our current city for several more years and that I want us to move back to the city we are from after we get married next summer. We both cannot agree and are at the point of considering calling off the engagement.

 

I know my reasons are completely emotional and his are logical. We love each other very much but we don't know how to move forward from this.

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Sorry to hear this. Heartrending decision. Where are his family located? It sounds like he won't reconsider and this "intention to move back" was yours and he was not on board. Decide if your family needs to be this close or if you see a life with him where you are located. Are you from different cultures or socioeconomic backgrounds? People have varying views on how close and tight-knit to stay with their family of origin vs visiting and economics.

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You have known each other for 8 years. By now you know full well who he is and whether you trust him and really want to spend the rest of your life with him or not. If you two get married he is supposed to become your primary family and the main object of your loyalty yet it sounds like you are still thinking as an individual and not as a team. You have a choice to make. You can either have him or live close to your family. You can't have both. Which is it? Either choice is valid for different reasons but once you make that choice you need to stick with it and own it. Staying on while resenting him or breaking up only to regret it are pitfalls you want to avoid.

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I take it your family wouldn't move?

 

I'm only asking as that's what my grandparents did - my parents (when I was 10 / 11 years old) had the same dilemma you currently have: to move several hours away for very logical reasons or to stay close to family. My parents moved and my grandparents on my mum's side made the same move a year later to be closer to all of us.

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Your emotions are clouding your judgment. You need to be logical regarding good jobs, pay, finances, lower cost of living, better weather, better economy and your more comfortable standard of living. Listen to common sense.

 

Part of maturing and growing up is letting go of your family. I agree with Clio. Your new family is your fiance and soon to be husband and then if you have children, there's your real new family forever.

 

I've been married for a long time and even though my family and I reside locally, I don't have frequent contact nor do I see them often. We're all so very busy with our new families with children and lead separate lives. We get together for major holidays for the sake of the children and that's it. We don't hate each other. We're consumed with our own lives which is perfectly natural.

 

You need to ask yourself if you're willing to sacrifice canceling the engagement for the sake of your relatives. Keep in mind, your relatives are getting older whereas your fiance and you are younger. Both of you will outlive your relatives and in-laws including your parents. Should you cancel the engagement and go your separate ways, do you want to be lonely for the rest of your life just so you can live closer to your relatives?

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My friend's parents moved to be close to her and their grandchild. Then she moved several hundred miles away after her divorce. Now her parents are stuck living near her ex husband and his new wife. That didn't work out at all!

 

How far would it be to travel to visit your family? Is it thousands of miles? Or is it a day trip?

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I'm with your soon to be husband, or I hope he will be your husband. You two will form your own family, which is how it should be. I would gladly live where wages and weather are better, housing is cheaper etc. You dont say how far away your parents are, is it 1000 miles or more or less? You can hop a plane if it's far or drive if it's not, and visit them a few times a year. They can visit you. It doesnt have to be all or nothing.

 

I would not move back to my parents' city, I would want to be where my life would be better and with the person I love.

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When you are married, your commitment is to your spouse.

 

You are not married.... yet.... so the choice is completely yours.

 

If you marry him, know that you must be happy with this choice. If you are going to feel like, "you did this for him" the resentment may ruin the relationship.

 

It is a big decision. It has to be the one you can live with.... because the other side of that coin is, you cannot blame your family, if your fiance decides he will end the engagement based on your choice.

 

Life is all about choices... Whatever you decide, go whole heartedly with it, no regrets, no looking back....

 

Hopefully, you can visit and remain close. I know many people with siblings in other parts of the country and they do get together.

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I relocated from my home city -also my husband's home city -after 43 years straight living there, when we were newlyweds and new parents. I knew from our first date I would have to relocate if we married (we'd dated in the past) and I told him a few places I wouldn't be willing to live and he agreed. It was for his job. We were long distance too for part of the time. I'm not going to tell you it was easy - it's been 11 years now and there are some things I still have to adjust to.

 

Against this background I will tell you what I think

 

One - follow the $ if it is a significant difference. You two are young and if he starts at a higher salary and has more job opportunities -the sky's the limit. And then you can afford to visit/have your parents visit - more often.

Two - if he moves home for you he will resent you and he will resent your family and be unmotivated to spend time with them even if he likes them now.

Three - down the road he might want to move back -perhaps for a job opportunity or if you have kids for help with the kids. I know of many families who have done that.

 

I get that you are close with your family, Me too. My husband too. Very very. But I wanted to be a married mom, to start my own family -and even though it was a downside that to be with him meant relocating the upsides -being with the right person, being in love and loved, being new parents - made it all worth it

 

(I'll add that my sister relocated from our state -she'd lived there almost 60 years! - to be with two of her daughters and a few of her grandchildren after they relocated to a different state -my mother who is in her 80s goes there to visit regularly. We go to visit her too. It's not optimal but it works)

 

I say -spread your wings, you have the benefit of already living where he wants to stay -and give it a chance. How about you have a much smaller wedding and bank the $ to pay for plane tickets for visits with your family??

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You have no jobs "back home." And in moving to the city, you had the chance to further grow as an adult without having your parents at your elbow to bail you out. I would stay in the city if everything else besides the want to live near family is good. YOu can facetime with them daily, etc. You said there just aren't the jobs back home, right? But maybe being together 8 years, you were teenagers when you started dating and are now have grown into adults and he has grown into following the best chance he has at making a good living, and you are someone who wants her family close. I moved far away and 15 years later moved back home and was the better for it -- i had skills i would have never had had I stayed home. but i went back, not just right away.

 

You have a choice - either focus on your career in the city and one day move back when the time is right if it is ever right or let him go, move back to your parents and find someone else who wants to live near your folks forever. But what do you do if your job wants to transfer you? Will you say no and stay with your folks?

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I am sorry you are in a difficult situation! You have received good advice here already. Your fiancée will be your new family. You can keep in touch with your family daily. I think you have a big decision to make. Ask God for guidance and wisdom. You can always ask your family to move where you live now. But you have a big decision to make. I hope that God helps you. Good luck!

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BTW, why don't you sit down and think - grab a few minutes to yourself. IS there ANY reason ASIDE from the move that makes you hesitate to marry him?

 

are there tons of little things and you are making this the big one, or is there no hesitation - its just the location.

 

I think if you decide the most important thing in your life is to live near your parents - then you have your answer. Find a guy who dreams of living near his parents, too and never wants to leave your little town. If you think your fiance is one in a million, time for you to leave the emotional nest. WHen you marry, its "til death do us part", not "but only as long as you want to see my mom everyday". If you can't promise in your heart that you are ready to put this man first and be a family with him, then don't marry him.

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BTW, why don't you sit down and think - grab a few minutes to yourself. IS there ANY reason ASIDE from the move that makes you hesitate to marry him?

 

are there tons of little things and you are making this the big one, or is there no hesitation - its just the location.

 

I think if you decide the most important thing in your life is to live near your parents - then you have your answer. Find a guy who dreams of living near his parents, too and never wants to leave your little town. If you think your fiance is one in a million, time for you to leave the emotional nest. WHen you marry, its "til death do us part", not "but only as long as you want to see my mom everyday". If you can't promise in your heart that you are ready to put this man first and be a family with him, then don't marry him.

 

You know I agree with this. I loved my inlaws so much -especially my MIL - but I could not stand when my husband put them first especially after we had our son and I was home with a newborn and he started traveling a couple of days a week. One time in particular he left me alone with our infant for four hours -so he could visit his parents -again -so that he could pick up their close friend from the airport. My point is - if you move near your parents and on top of that start spending lots of time with them or insisting he does then it's a double whammy -he's moved for you and now he has to share you with your family because they're so close by. Will you be able to have healthy boundaries if you live so close and you are so close?

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If you plan on buying a house together, you need an attorney to iron out things, if you are not legally married by then. Without him, consult an attorney privately as to your risks buying a house when the relationship is this shaky and likely to end in general or in divorce.

 

Either he is committed to you... or he is not and just wants a roommate that follows him around where it's convenient for him. Without a commitment, moving to another city is risky. Now he pulled a bait and switch.

My fiancé, however, has completely changed his mind about moving back.

We have been living in apartments for 3 years and he insists on buying a house in the city where we currently live

after we get married next summer. We both cannot agree and are at the point of considering calling off the engagement.

 

I know my reasons are completely emotional and his are logical. We love each other very much but we don't know how to move forward from this.

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Now he pulled a bait and switch.

 

i don't see it that way. I see it as a young man who moved away for a job. Yes, in the beginning he told his long distance high school or college sweetheart that he would always move back home, but he grew and changed and realized he was where the jobs were, he grew a pair of his own two legs without relying on his parents. He is his own man now - his view changed now that he supports himself and is in the work world. So things changed. A bait and switch was if he married her promising to look at houses back home and then laughed maniacally and told her he lied. He could still have the idea of moving back home - after having kids, when the time is right, if the job presents itself or ultimately moving back there someday -- but NOT the immediate "move back home to get married" like she wants. If the economy in their hometown is not good right now, but where they are is, i can see why he would want to keep his job in the city right now.

 

I am betting all this time she didn't fully explore her opportunities because she was set on staying near mom and dad - and that's fine -- i just wonder if he outgrew her..

 

i really wanted to move into the city. It was my 2 year plan. But then i met my guy and before he met me he had purchased his grandparents 100 year old farm house. It had changed hands to another family twice in between. He was renovating it when we met. I fell in love with him, and gave up the idea of moving to the city. He wasn't ever going to move, so decided that he was more important. I can always visit the city. But then i am not in my 20s.

 

So he is not a liar -- he evolved. Now is she okay with that, or does she want to go home and meet someone else?

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