Post-Breakup Blues

I'm writing this as a new member of the forum and also to vent my frustrations. I got out of a four+ year relationship this past December only to find out in March that my ex-girlfriend monkey-branched in January. We broke up twice before hand, her trying to monkey-branch to another guy the second time as well, though I was able to reel her back in. I know they say to not blame one's self but that's all I've been able to do.

The story is this:

We met at Cedar Point, 2015, and we moved into a relationship quickly. She (19 at the time) was fun to be around and I (23) was infatuated by her. She just got out of a weird relation, but apparently no sex was involved because she was essentially the side chick. She told me of her verbally abusive father who once touched her at an early age. She cried a lot once we got close and I just wanted to hold her forever. She had high anxiety due to her baggage but I overlooked it because of my Infatuation. When not in a fragile state, she was great company. The sex was great and we quickly fell hard for one another.

Fast forward six months, we're dating and we are both living with a couple of friends from the park. Apparently, I was no longer showing her the same attention I was previously, so she packed up all her stuff and was gonna go ghost. I acted quickly and was able to convince her to come back. Eventually, we moved out and down to Tennessee, her parents didn't seem phased. My dad still wonders why they never checked with him about it. Things were great in Tennessee until one night we got drunk. She flipped her lid for what seemed to be no reason and was going to buy a plane ticket that night to return home: homesickness set in. After that night, things seemed normal again, though her constant want for a child was rather off putting so early on. I quickly shot the idea down and we agreed to have ourselves in a better position before conceiving though we did pick names. Nine months in Tennessee, we had to move because my dad and his wife were selling the house.

We decided to return to Ohio and start college. It was closer to her home, which she missed. During our time in school, frustrations were high and time was limited. Again, she felt I wasn't giving enough attention as I was staying up late some nights to study or play games. If i didn't go to bed with her, it was a huge deal. Sex was still good, but tensions were rising. When we would visit her family, she acted different, spending more time with her mom and more so her dad than anyone else. As time progressed, she became slightly distant, and her crying was getting to be difficult to console on a weekly basis. Regardless, I was in it for the long haul. Unfortunetly, she went cold as we were spending less time going out and doing fun things. I had no in-person friends other than her and relied on online games to keep contact with old friends. I ended up meeting a friend online who was a girl, our relation purely platonic. However, my girlfriend was going through my phone and found discord messages between my new friend and myself. My girlfriend was quick to say it was something more and that there was no talk of me having a girlfriend, but there was on the game we played. Come December, 2017, she dumped me. We were still talking and worked at Lowe's together. A week later, I found that she left behind an old tablet. I charged it up and a few messages came up on screen, "He's perfect." I panicked and texted and called the crap out of her. We started hanging out again and got back together. I was giving her the attention she felt I neglected to give her, so she returned and didn't talk to this anonymous guy.

A few semesters pass and we move once more to a duplex closer to the school. We are no longer having as much sex as it started to hurt her no matter what we did. I didn't want to hurt her so we did other things. However, she wanted sex but when we would and it didnt work, she would cry, a major turn off. As time progressed, school was getting increasingly more difficult as I was now in honors and, again, some nights I would stay up late. I was also still talking with my friends whenever I could which was usually late and with school and we still didnt do much outside of the house. Things were okay and manageable but with not having as much sex and stuck with more school work, tensions were even higher. I also think I was more distant and irritable towards her due to her attempting to leave for a second time. My distance even went as far as not being sure I wanted kids anymore, only now do I realize as I write this that her leaving a second time was likely the cause of my doubts. Then she went through my phone again. In no way shape or form was I hiding my phone or cared that she looked through it, but what she saw was essentially the end all be all. Remember the girl she was upset about previously? Well we got married on a game for the benefits it gave and in one message we called each other "huspond" and "wiphe". My girlfriend wanted me to cut all contact, to which I agreed but was defensive because I felt she was being overdramatic. Still, i agreed but still played the same game. Eventually, my friend and I started talking again and my girlfriend was constantly checking my phone and saw it. I lied to her and that was essentially the end of it as she wouldn't let it go. I can't blame her though, I talked to this threat again and didn't tell her about it... But wait, she didnt end it, she MASKED it.

I'm guessing she started talking to the other guy shortly afterwards as a kind of payback and then caught feelings. She never told me she wanted to breakup, but she was looking for a reason to leave. I know this because we first agreed to move out of Ohio because I told her I didnt want to live there from the beginning but then she said she wanted to stay, knowing I didn't. I just agreed that we should split but later regretted the decision to let her go.

Writing this was surprisingly helpful. I know I could have done more dates with her and stuff outside of the house, but ultimately she was inexperienced, co-dependent, and wanted more than we could afford (That and I lied to her...) She bought an apple watch she barely used, an iphone10 when it first came out for 1k, and then traded it in for the iphone11 + $400 along with other expensive things that weren't necessary because "she was sad" on top of having debt from attempting college at a university before we met. However, it pains me that she left, and I grieve still though I think I'm at the stage of anger. Through it all, I was in it all the way despite my actions even when I felt it wasn't right. I feel too much and fall too hard.

I haven't been able to focus on my school work and there is only three weeks left. I have three honors projects due that have barely even started. This has been driving me up a wall. Regardless of the bad , there were PLENTY of great times and fun that I left out , and I miss having someone to come home to. I still feel as if I could have done more. I definitely didn't give ALL of the details, but the jyst of it is here. Is time the only answer to the pain?

That was a very volatile relationship. I’m sure that despite how unstable and unhealthy it looks written out in black and white, there was a lot of excitement and some very high highs. No judgement here, I LOVED drama when I was younger.

Time is the solution to the pain, yes. In the meantime, if I were you I would challenge myself to finish strong at school over the next few weeks. Don’t perfectionist yourself to death, maybe the definition of finishing strong at this point is just getting all three projects completed, rather than “I have to get straight A’s.” Use the level of commitment you describe yourself as having during your former relationship with your ex and commit to YOURSELF. Maybe you take the next two days to cry and lick your wounds, then you solemnly swear an oath to yourself to put in a solid eight hours every weekday until your projects are finished? The distraction and the healthy commitment to your own success and health might do you some good...

Good luck!

I’m sure that despite how unstable and unhealthy it looks written out in black and white, there was a lot of excitement and some very high highs.

There were and I think that is what I'm missing most right now. I don't see the bad nearly as much as the good but know it is for the best though it feels like a void has sunk over me. I know it isn't a super long relationship, but damn is it tough to cope with.

Don’t perfectionist yourself to death, maybe the definition of finishing strong at this point is just getting all three projects completed, rather than “I have to get straight A’s.” Use the level of commitment you describe yourself as having during your former relationship with your ex and commit to YOURSELF.

I think this was part of my problem in the relationship. I focused so much on school and other things rather than my relationship at times when it was imperative to give a moment to my girlfriend. Now, when i sit to do my work, I can't help but become unfocused and end up sinking into a pit of anger and desperation, only to be sucked of my energy and motivation. During school, I barely gave myself time to put energy towards my girlfriend because I felt it was energy I didnt have to console and sit for long periods of time talking about a future and consoling her that everything was going to be okay. She was a bad communicator when it came to her feelings until they bottled up and exploded. Regardless of my efforts sometimes, we seemed to always come back to where it started and consoling became a task that required much effort on my part, to the point I was mentally exhausted which school was already doing to me. However, if it wasn't for our time at school, I think my time would have been put into action towards the relationship but she wouldn't hold out. I wasn't being the boyfriend she needed due to the lack of sex and time. She stated at one point that she felt like we were just friends living together. I was fine with that until we finished our goals, but she needed more from me that I failed to provide.

You’ve got to make sense of the breakup in your own way - but from the outside perspective of this particular observer it seems prudent to “word swap” your last line to:

“She needed more from me than was reasonable and healthy for me to provide.”

If feeling guilty is somehow beneficial for you (or anybody else) then far be it from me to interrupt that. But when you’re done playing The White Knight in your mind’s eye, as if it was your job to save this girl from her own shortcomings...then you will begin to feel better and envision how nice it would be like to connect with somebody secure, happy and able to form a more meaningful bond.

Old(ish) people like myself have all felt that heartbreak feeling man. I don’t mean to downplay the pain. But I’m telling you, it doesn’t last forever and it’s so easy to see from the outside that it wasn’t a good match...there’s unimaginably more powerful love waiting for you out there if you will take the time to heal & make yourself ready for it...

Good luck!

You’ve got to make sense of the breakup in your own way ... “She needed more from me than was reasonable and healthy for me to provide.”

I know this is the case, but it was nice to have someone depend on me. Now that she's gone, I have this inflated sense of her that is apparently normal and I know it. It makes me afraid to move toward another relationship. I've never been the dumper, always the dumpee, and it makes me think I'm doing something wrong.

If feeling guilty is somehow beneficial for you (or anybody else) then far be it from me to interrupt that. But when you’re done playing The White Knight in your mind’s eye, as if it was your job to save this girl from her own shortcomings...then you will begin to feel better and envision how nice it would be like to connect with somebody secure, happy and able to form a more meaningful bond.

It's not that feeling guilty is beneficial, and I know if I continued the way things were going I'd eventually resent her. I do believe you're right, though. I think I had the idea of helping her with her anxiety but in the end it ended up being too much for me to handle. I had this idea of a life with her, and she with me, but we both ruined it through our actions. I want to understand the mentality of anxiety and depression more for future reference. Then again, I would like even more to not have to worry about it. I don't know, I try not to think of what she is doing with her new man, but I'm damned with the images as it keeps coming to mind and it just hurts. I know it takes time but I'm unsure if it's worth the gamble with the idea of finding a forever partner. I don't know a single person who has stayed together for more than 10 years and I couldn't imagine the pain 10, 15, or 20+ years would bring in a breakup.

I had a 14 year breakup. It was bad. I had a five year that was more painful, but far less drama too...because I’ve been through it and I know it passes.

I think you being scared to move toward another relationship rn is an intuitive defense mechanism that you are wise to be aware of. Let it guide you, lest you jump into something else as a distraction. Then you would set your own healing back exponentially and put the next woman through the wringer when your pain finally caught up to you.

Sorry you’re hurting, it feels like nothing is okay and nothing ever will be at times...but if you carry yourself with integrity you will give yourself an amazing gift of becoming ready for a deeply satisfying and mutually uplifting relationship.

Sorry you're hurting as well. Skeptic is firing on all cylinders here, so I don't know if I've got much value to add.

Not sure how to say this without sounding like an old hat, but I think a lot of us get caught up in a pretty dramatic entanglement along these lines in our youth. I kind of see it as almost inevitable, a reflection of a potent, turbulent time in life: adolescence in the rearview mirror, adulthood a complete mystery, so in the early days you're in this weird spot, using teenage tools to figure out the business of adulthood.

One thing I notice throughout your posts: this emphasis on attention, and raking yourself over the coals for not giving enough. Just want to say that, dude, it really doesn't have to be that way. Doesn't need to be so consuming, so exhausting, which I can't help but feel, along with the very human pain you're feeling right now, might be part of why you're going into Cynical Mode on the idea of longterm, sustainable relationships.

Anyhow, maybe you needed these years to see that, or come to see that, that you need to connect with someone who isn't so thirsty? And maybe, aside from all the wonders you two shared together, that's something to be grateful for? I can only speak for myself, but in my best relationships I've never felt that the most important thing I deliver is "attention," while some of my more turbulent experiments have been very attention-driven, thirst-centric. Had to explore my own needs on that front, of course, since like generally seeks like, but I'm grateful for everything that triggered that exploration, pain be damned.

You'll get through this, past this. What lays after that wrestling? Time's got those answers, and I suspect they'll surprise you.

Thanks for the advice guys. I just found out that she is now pregnant. I've gone numb to emotion at this point. At first I took serious damage to the ego, but then I remembered that's all she has ever wanted. I truly hope she stays happy and doesn't flake on this guy once it gets tough. I honestly dont see it lasting passed a certain point because his attention will be on the kids and not her. She was jealous of my cat at one point... hopefully through our relationship she saw how ridiculous that was. But I wish her the best, as much as it may hurt to know she's pregnant with some other dude's child.