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Thread: Do I Have a Chance?

  1. #1
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    Do I Have a Chance?

    Hey everyone. This forum has been a great help to me so far. I apologize if this is long, but I want to spell out all of the details and figure out if I have a chance.

    My boyfriend (36) broke up with me (30) about 5 weeks ago. We have been together for 4 years with some on/off stuff during our relationship. We got together in April 2016.

    Our relationship was very passionate, deeply loving, but also toxic in many ways. We were inseparable after the first time we hung out. We had met, he said he fell in love at first sight, made an Instagram account to track me down, and that was that. He was abusive in the past, and there were times I tried to leave in our first year and he would beg for me to come back. I obviously always did because I love him. I suspect he may be a narcissist or at least have some tendencies. He love bombed me in the begging and then after a few months his dark side came out.

    We went through a lot of hardships. I was thrown out by my drug addict roommate/ex best friend shortly after my relationship started. We had no place and I had made a big career change and was very broke at the time. We slept in the back of his nutrition store for months. I ended up moving back in with my family 3 months later and he was already living with his at the time, but stayed with me in that store. This was the first time I tried to leave after realizing he had anger issues.

    He was going through an investigation for fraud he committed under the guidance of his ex friend, and was extremely stressed. Fast forward to 2018 where he was convicted of a felony and sentenced to 10 months in federal prison.

    About a month before his sentencing, we had hit another rough patch. We worked together (got the job after we had already been together several months and were hired as a couple) and there was an opportunity for a head coach position (we are both fitness trainers). We both applied and I got the job over him, and our upper management said he would have to go to another location because of our relationship and me being his ďbossĒ. He was infuriated, broke up with me over me ďnot standing up for himĒ, told me I didnít deserve the position, and a lot of other hurtful things. A few weeks later he was convicted and sentenced (February 2018). He was to surrender in May.

    We reconciled and I was heartbroken that he was actually going to prison. The day he left was one of the worst days of my life. I didnít speak to him for weeks due to the prison system messing up, assigning him to the same camp as a co-defendant (who got 5 years) and he was placed in the special housing unit, which is basically solitary ďfor his protectionĒ. I finally got a letter and he was able to make 1 call a month. I visited him, sent money, sent books, wrote letters daily (many of which he never received and thought I wasnít writing). I felt awful for what he was going through. A few months later he was finally transferred and I flew to visit him (August 2018). He was very different after going through everything, in good and bad ways.

    We started fighting again soon after, he felt I wasnít writing, wasnít sending enough money, wasnít sending enough books. I tried to be compassionate for what he was going through, but I started to feel so unappreciated. I had hoped him going to prison would make him finally appreciate me after all we had been through. I slowly started to feel like he was never going to change and I was deeply hurt. I spoke to him less and less, still tried to be there because I loved him so much. But I was very hurt.

    In January 2019 I started a friendship with another man, that led to us dating. I was still very in love with my ex but felt I needed to move on. He was released in February 2019 and was placed in a halfway house for a month. I visited and told him I was dating someone, but that I wanted to be there for him and help in any way I could. I tried to get him a job where I worked (same company we had worked for but a different location) it didnít pan out but he ended up hired at another location with the same company (itís a fitness studio chain). He begged for another chance and I slowly gave in because my love for him never went away. I cut off contact with anyone I had been talking to and dedicated myself to my ex.

    He had grown a lot, worked on his anger issues, although there was still some. Over the last year he starting growing very resentful of me ďabandoningĒ him while he was in prison, and started saying that I had cheated on him, wasnít there for him, etc. I was heartbroken. I tried to make him understand how hurt I was and why I thought it was my only choice to move on. He held on to this resentment and it caused a lot of our old issues to resurface.

    I went through more hardships the last year, the last being in November 2019 when I left my job to pursue another, and was brutally cut from it without warning right as I was getting started. I was left broke and severely depressed, and he helped me financially for the next couple of months. I went back to our old company (yet another location) in January this year. Things were starting to look up, but I had to pay my ex back and wasnít able to start until February. He hounded me daily for the money and it led to a lot of fights. I havenít been the best with my finances, and he was rightfully upset. February we were fighting almost daily, I became very insecure and he felt very unappreciated. There were threats of him leaving and in retrospect I know I wasnít appreciating all he helped me with, and I stopped trying to please him in many ways because I never thought things would actually end.

    Last month (March 17th) was the first day of the shelter in place due to covid-19 in the SF Bay Area where we live. I was very stressed and picked an absolutely stupid fight with him. He broke up with me that day. I gave him a couple of days to cool down, and we talked again that week. The following week we hung out everyday and he was very clear we werenít together and he has been unhappy and we could work on being friends. Said he needed to get happy and I did too but he would be here for me and still loves me. He said he didnít want to date anyone and needed to be alone to work on himself and I should do the same.

    We go on like this for a couple of weeks, and then I find out he has started dating a coworker who is 13 years younger (23). I freak out, do all of the wrong things, and he says Iím toxic and this is why he canít be with me. He said he is going to date ďjust like I didĒ while he was in prison and I can accept his friendship and work on myself in the meantime. He goes back and forth between saying maybe there is a chance for us but not for a long time and he is going to date this girl. I feel he left me for her and was at least emotionally cheating. I know the girl, we have worked out together, even took a picture together. I reach out to her in the most respectful way since we follow each other on Instagram, I asked how long things had been going on and she never replied, told him, and blocked me. He was upset but still continued to talk to me and try to work on our friendship. This was 2 weeks ago.

    We continue to talk everyday and have seen each other a few times. I know he is spending time with her, doing a lot of the things we did when we first got together, spending nights, taking her places we used to go. She is the complete opposite of me and what he has always said is not his type physically, and I know this to be true by his exes. I never had a worry about her at all, and Iím still shocked by it. He has sent me sexual messages a few times, most recently this week. Tells me he loves me and cares but doesnít want to date me right now. He has been cooking food for me weekly because I canít use the kitchen where I live. He checks in on me daily, and is bringing me food again the day after tomorrow.

    I have a deep feeling he will come back after this girl. I know he has a lot of unresolved bitterness about our relationship and maybe feels like he needs freedom to explore and do what I did last year. I want him to have freedom to be happy, to let go of the negativity in our relationship and heal. I know everyone says no contact is best, but in our case I believe that being present and being a friend, showing him how Iím improving (Iíve suffered with severe depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, jealousy) he will eventually want to try again. Iíve already forgiven him because I understand he has been hurt and unhappy, just like I was.

    He is still angry with the way I acted and Iíve taken responsibility for my mistakes and have apologized. I am working to be better, working out everyday, meditating, reading, not being emotional with him. Just keeping things light and friendly. I do have some fears that he will stay with this girl, and Iím sure she is head over heels for him and has wanted him for a while. He is completely love bombing her the same way he did me when we first got together. Also worth noting he had reached out to his ex before me right before we got together and also during the time I had tried leaving in our first year. The one before that he broke up with and they got back together. So he has a history of revisiting exes.

    I guess I donít know what Iím asking. If anyone thinks I have a real chance. Despite our issues, I know we have a deep love for each other and I know we can make each other very happy. He has come a long way as a person although there is still work to be done, and I am actively working on myself to be my best. Iím already in great shape since Iím a trainer, and going through this Iíve lost more weight and look the best Iíve looked in years. I am a very beautiful girl and I know he is still at least physically attracted to me. He is also incredibly handsome (think Chris Hemsworth, everyone calls him Thor) so I know he could get anyone he wants which is what scares me.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading my novel! I am at war with myself on whether to keep hoping or to give up. I truly love him and accept him despite everything. I want to let his new relationship run its course, since I donít really believe it will last based on the way it started, the big age difference, and them being coworkers. His boss who is close to both of us reached out to me the other day. She had heard what is happening, and she said the whole thing is really weird and doesnít understand.

    How do I improve my chances at us getting back together? Thank you again!

  2. #2
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    You need to be done with this. You know it is sick and unhealthy. This has been bad from the start. He will not change.

    I strongly suggest you seek some therapy when the virus settles. Focus on your co dependence and attraction to men who treat you poorly. This man is emotionally abusive and you keep returning for more abuse. What is there to love about someone who treats you like crap? Did you grow up in an abusive household?

    What do your friends and family say abut this creep?

    Block and delete this guy.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj

    I strongly suggest you seek some therapy when the virus settles.
    I agree with everything but this. I say get therapy now. SUrely there are therapists doing televisits right now.

    read what you wrote and pretend that your little sister or friend wrote it. What would you tell them? Would you tell them that you think this is a good guy??

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What is it about you that makes you think you "love and accept" an abusive felon?

    If you're that beautiful I presume you attract quality men.

    I'd explore in therapy why you choose an abusive chump instead of one of the dozens of nice men you could be dating.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I agree with everything but this. I say get therapy now. SUrely there are therapists doing televisits right now.

    read what you wrote and pretend that your little sister or friend wrote it. What would you tell them? Would you tell them that you think this is a good guy??
    Thank you for the correction. At times I think the world has shut down.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    It seems to me, you are both toxic to each other and abuse each other emotionally on a regular basis.

    The best thing you could do is continue to work on your own career and life. Focus on creating a stable life for yourself and heal from this guy.

    good looks are a bonus, they don't make up for being a crappy, abusive person.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He fits the description of a sociopath. Research "Hare Psychopathy Checklist". Quit doing drugs and get away from him. Prison is like college for sociopaths to develop their antisocial skills. Going to prison is "abandoning" you.
    Originally Posted by Fitbean
    on/off stuff during our relationship.
    He was abusive in the past
    he was convicted of a felony and sentenced to 10 months in federal prison.
    I didnít speak to him for weeks due to the prison system messing up
    I had hoped him going to prison would make him finally appreciate me after all we had been through.
    He was released in February 2019 and was placed in a halfway house for a month.
    he starting growing very resentful of me ďabandoningĒ him while he was in prison

  9. #8
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    Hi. The abuse was very early on in the relationship. He has grown a lot as have I in the last 4 years. Mainly we dealt with a lot of stress and it put a big strain on us leading to this breakup. We have both helped each other a lot in many ways. He is not a bad person.

  10. #9
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    Iím not so sure. I think if that were the case he would have completely abandoned me. The fact that we still talk and that he is trying to be here for me and help throughout this epidemic would suggest otherwise. Also, I do not and have never done any drugs. Neither does he. We are fitness professionals and very healthy people.

  11. #10
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    To clarify, the abuse was early in the relationship. He has grown a lot in the last 4 years and have admitted to treating me badly. Iíve done therapy in the past and have worked on myself a lot.

    Many men try to talk to me everyday, but the great majority are only trying to sleep with me because of the way that I look.

    This isnít about just being with someone. I want to be with the person who I love and who has been there for me through my darkest times.

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