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Thread: "Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"

  1. #1
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    "Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"

    I figured this thread might be a good reference for those who may be contemplating contacting the ex who dumped them or who are trying to maintain some distance, but find it difficult. I know there have been other similar threads, but really haven't seen one mostly consisting of dumpees detailing in one place what exactly happened when they contacted the person that dumped them and whether there were positive results or they regretted it.

    I'm sure the responses span the full gamut, but these stories may be what provides me and others, who were left, the strength to not contact the ex and/or wait for more time to pass so that dumper may make contact first. Or it could serve as inspiration for those that want to reconcile. This would be for those that don't want to use NC as the only option for dealing with the breakup.

    Dumpers can feel free to detail what happened when someone they dumped contacted them and what the result was.

    If you could give some brief details about the relationship, like how long you were together, what caused the break, how much time passed before contact was made and what was the result, that would help. Thanks!

  2. #2

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    I'm going to talk with my ex next week and Ill tell you what results are like...

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    I was the dumper with the ex before this ex. The dumpee contacted me with just a "Hey how have u been?" type text message about a few months later..I'd say maybe 5 months later and I welcomed that message very happily as enough time has passed and I had even forgotten why I had dumped them in the first place lol. I was not interested in reconciling nor did the dumpee ask me to reconcile. They seemed very happy to share what they've been up to and I was very eager to share what I've been up to. The reason I never initiated contact with him is because I know I had hurt him and felt scared and did not think they wanted to hear from me. To this day we remain good friends. I've only been dumped once in my life which is this last ex and he has yet to contact me after 2.5 months of straight NC. Given I have always been the dumper in the past, I have always welcomed a msg or email from the dumpee and never responded negatively as no cheating or abuse has ever taken place in any of my relationships and they were all good men except their were incompatibility issues. I think if the dumpee feels they are ready to make contact and be able to keep their cool and not have any expectations and able to forgive and be friendly with their ex then by all means I guarantee the dumper would welcome contact happily...but a few months 3-6 months at least has to have gone by. The dumper might themselves be waiting for you to contact them as they get scared as well and not sure how to go about making that contact. I've felt that way as a dumper so it's from my personal experience.

  4. #4
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    My ex gave me the silent treatment (wouldn't answer or return my calls/texts/emails) two weeks before he dumped me. I sent him an email accepting the break up and wishing him well. I've not contacted him since, and it's been really easy for me not to contact him as I know he will not respond - I mean, he wasn't responding when we were supposedly still an item! Three weeks after he broke up with me, I wrote a nice letter to his mother who had been really sweet and nice, thanking her and basically saying goodbye. I've not heard from her either, and wasn't expecting to. He's the first ex I've ever gone NC with - as I find his behaviour before the split cold and callous. I've got no desire to hear from him and I'd sooner stick a fork in my eye than attempt any contact with him.

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  6. #5
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    @Heartbroken - Have you ever felt as the dumper you might consider them when they contacted you? or did you? Also were these long relationships? and were you fully in love?

    As for my experience I contacted my ex after one month of NC. I got a polite maybe on the getting back together at the time. Then I was NC 2 more months until a mutual friend was in town and we had to see each other at a bbq. She avoided me like the plague at the bbq. I tried to talk to her while I was there but the conversation lasted 2 minutes until somebody wanted to take a group picture. We didn't talk the rest of the night.

    I think she was bit scared of me because in the time between when I first contacted and the time of the bbq I deleted her from FB. So she didn't know what to make the situation. A couple days after I sent her a FB message saying it was good to see her and friend request because at this time I have nearly moved on and didn't mind. She sent a nice message back but did not accept the friend request. At this point she seems more scared of me than I am of her. Its been a little over 3 months since the BU of a 2 year relationship and 6 years of friendship. Oh well... Good or bad, whose to say.

  7. #6
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    NCforME- Whenever they made contact with me they never asked for me back. We just caught up with each other's lives and became friendly with each other again. There was 1 ex I was with for 1 1/2 years ( just like this last one) and I made contact with him after I broke up with him for me not seeing a future with him as he was more focusing on his career and he never had time for me. He responded to the msg instantly and was very happy to hear from me. We text back and forth for a few weeks and he asked if we can hang out so we did and continued to hang out quite a bit until I found myself very attracted to him again and he felt the same way. But neither of us made a move on each other as we got scared lol. He is now in a relationship and he has said to me prior that he thinks we would have been really good together again and I agreed. But I was at that time dating someone and did not want to go there. And now I would give him another chance but now HE is in a relationship Lol. And yes my last 2 ex's there was definitely real and genuine love for each other. I was both their longest relationship. But this last ex who dumped me I made the mistake of asking him back after the first month of breaking up and he wasn't interested at that time...it was too soon. I never did learn my lesson even as a dumper from before to not just straight out ask someone to get back together...it doesn't work like that. It has to naturally lead there at some time and be a new relationship. It might take a long time before you get to the point of just being able to hang out with them and them realizing they still like you or like the new you. That ex before this ex who is now in a relationship it took us 1.5 years to be attracted to each other again.

  8. #7
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    My ex dumped me back in February and we were together for 11 months before we broke up. We broke up because I started being very clingy and he felt like I was suffocating him.I contacted him in April just to send him a "happy bday!" text, and that's when he asked me to call him and we hit it off again. We got back together that very week and are still dating now. Now, I've started to make changes and be more independent... seek out my own interests and not centre my life around him, etc.

  9. #8
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    I made contact with my dumper ex.....i never wanted her back, or communicated that to her.

    We are friends now.....

  10. #9
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    Great! Thanks for the replies! That's exactly what I wanted. To hear the good, the bad and the ugly, lol. This info will definitely help myself and others make a more informed decision. Heartbroken30, that's too bad about your missed opportunity to reconcile, but who knows what the future might hold. Stories like yours are the reason that I don't want to let stubbornness/fear get in the way of a possible happy ending.

    Good news to hear, Gumiibear! That will definitely offer a silver lining to some people's stories. My ex's birthday is coming up. I was thinking of sending a message like you did, but unsure if that's acting too familiar since we haven't spoken in over 2 months or if he'll get too much of a rush in the fact that I remembered. It could work for or against me. I've heard of birthday messages going both ways. Unsure if I should take the safer route and wait until the day passes to just send a general message. Thoughts?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by kaboom1218
    I was thinking of sending a message like you did, but unsure if that's acting too familiar since we haven't spoken in over 2 months or if he'll get too much of a rush in the fact that I remembered. It could work for or against me. I've heard of birthday messages going both ways. Unsure if I should take the safer route and wait until the day passes to just send a general message. Thoughts?
    I wouldn't think to hard about it. I don't think it much matters what you do as so much how you do it. Basically, focus on not pushing. Just be careful to not send up any red flags. I wouldn't over think it because when you do your expectations will be disappointed and you'll screw up.

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