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Thread: Help for us?

  1. #1
    Member fenlauriautumn's Avatar
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    Help for us?

    I have been seeing someone new since my abusive rship ended. We've been together for nearly 3 years now but there are a few issues in our rship.

    Nearly everytime I open up about things that've been going on in my life such as dealing/living with a narc parent and toxic family, Asperger's, chronic health condition, bullying at work etc my OH usually will just dismiss it / act all positive or will say how I've got it all wrong.

    He is not a 'macho man' type nor a cold emotionally unavailable type, and I could've sworn this guy was nothing like my exes. He is certainly nothing like my nparent anyway.

    Any advice and help for me/us?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is trying to let you know that all the emotion dumping is exhausting. He is wisely changing the subject or trying to get out of the ranting and raving.

    This is for therapy, not to dump in your bf this much. Talk to a professional about all this rather than contaminate and poison your relationship with this much negativity..
    Originally Posted by fenlauriautumn
    everytime I open up about things that've been going on in my life such as dealing/living with a narc parent and toxic family, Asperger's, chronic health condition, bullying at work etc my OH usually will just dismiss it.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Maybe you could get a plan of action together to move out from your parent/familyís house. Even if you canít just up and leave, having a smart checklist of the things you need to do to get there might provide you with a sense of hope and direction rather than the frustration youíre feeling about it currently?

    Agree with wiseman thereís a point at which listening and understanding can become commiseration and amplification of issues that you are ďopening upĒ about. If he was asking you things that you were guarded about, but you decided to discuss without reservation anyway - THAT is opening up. Taking a chance on being vulnerable. But what you are describing sounds almost like complaining... Iím not there to witness it, Iím only hearing one side of the story, i donít really know. But many people donít suffer whining well, if that is indeed whatís happening.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like what you want is to vent and have a sympathetic ear for all that. What you are getting is advice, opinion or attempt to cheer you up - his way of trying to help you, it's just not what you are looking for.

    One way to fix that is to simply tell him what you want from him - just listen and pat me on the back or give me a hug and say nothing.

    The other way to fix that is don't dump that stuff on your partner, do it in therapy or with your girlfriends instead. Probably best done in therapy where you can release your past issues and emotions and get some professional guidance on how to move past that.

    Don't try to bond over your damage from your past. That's not healthy behavior on your end and not a burden your partner should bear. He is not a trained psychiatrist and even if he was, it's never good for your relationship to use your partner as talk therapy.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    By the sounds of it, it's not like asking "so how's your day?" "Oh It was $%^&* but I'm happy to home, so how was your day hun?" Smile.........sorry but he or any normal person is not equipped to handle the mountain of issues you have. You need a therapist. I think it's pretty unfair to expect him to carry such a heavy load. It's not the purpose of having a partner. Support when it is crucial sure, but stop using him as your emotional crutch. You are pulling him down with you.


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