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Heartbroken and confused. Lied to as well?


Basicboybria

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I created another thread but things have happened since and want to start afresh.

 

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. Please note that I understand what I did wrong and who I became. I'm already working in becoming the guy I was before/during my time with her. She is a genuine woman, never was nasty to me, cared a lot for me and did loads of things for me.

 

My partner left me (both in mid 20s) three days ago after a 10 month relationship. We met on a dating app and things were going really well, by the fifth date we had already been physical and all that, we had so much chemistry! She then went on holiday for a month but asked to be exclusive before she left which I was happy to.

 

She she was on holiday having fun, I thought about her a lot and fear started to creep in that I wouldn't see her when she got back. She reassured me it's fine. I lost my job just before she got back, yet again she reassured me it was fine. She got back and we became official.

 

As the months went on, we were happy. Spending time together, chemistry was still flying high. A few down evenings where I became upset due to lack of job. She would support me but I could see she didn't like the fact that she couldn't cheer me completely up.

 

I landed myself a job in October and things were better. During my lack of job, I neglected my friends to a certain degree and put more time in spending it with her. She noticed this and said I need to reach out more, have a life that isn't just her.

 

We went back to my parents where she met them in November, and mentioned how happy she was to be able to actually experience and see me in my life outside of her. A week later we went to her parents spare flat by the coast. Things were nice but we had a disagreement about something I don't even remember, what made it worse was that she went to the other room saying she needed space, but I followed her asking what was wrong, trying to cheer her up which led to an argument.

 

Months went on and things stayed the same, I wasn't sure I had a life outside of her. We went on a double date with one of my friends, and also went to bar with another group of mine but they're the only times she experienced my life outside of her.

 

We had booked a holiday for August, and in February went on our first holiday abroad for just under a week. This February holiday was during the time the UK had the bad storms. We had our flight there cancelled so I stayed at hers as she was disappointed, only to get a call in the morning saying there's another one that we can catch in a couple of hours. We packed and rushed straight there. She mentioned how she loved and found attractive how calm and collected I was while she was panicking during our rush to the airport.

 

While there, we had two pathetic arguments:

 

1. About a set of gloves that's so stupid that I don't even want to go into

 

2. About watching something together that's so stupid I won't go into

 

We also had lots of laughs and fun in the holiday and then we came back.

 

Things were going well until the coronavirus hit. Mid March I lost my job due to the company protecting themselves over fear of losing money during the virus (stupid private sector - this was before the scheme was in place to help pay staff).

 

I straight away went into job hunting as some companies were offering work-from-home roles. I landed an interview same week, and the following Monday I was offered the job, on to be told that they've been told to freeze recruitment.

 

Late March me and her decided to lockdown at hers otherwise we may not get to see each other for a while. Our time together was full of highs and lows. Won't explain the highs as it's fun relationship stuff, but the lows were me not allowing her as much space as she needed (I now know this is wrong), which led to me asking for reassurance, and the fact she didn't like the fact that she was working from home while I didn't (I can't help not having a job, not like this was new when we agreed to bunker down together).

 

A week in and she tells me that she's thinking of ending it (this comes off the back of a pathetic argument about a TV show we watched, we both had different views of it and it escalated). We talk and she ends up crying next to me in bed telling me that she doesn't think she can end it. We sleep on it and in the morning we talk and she decides she doesn't want to. That day is full of love, laughter, dancing and signing to music and silly stuff. She decides that it's still best if we have some physical space as her house is quite small.

 

I go back to my parents, she goes back to hers. We spoke everyday, at least a call/video call and texts. Somedays we are laughing, flirting and even sexting, other says we are arguing about small things. A week later she decides to go back to hers for space away from her parents. In general there are less arguments now, sexting still, telling each other we miss the other and love each other, laughter. We still had disagreements which were about needing space for a couple's hours. On the following weekend she kept sending me naughty pictures and dressed up in lingerie on video call for me, told me she missed me.

 

That Sunday morning we both agree that we should meet up on Monday in person as we've not seen each other for a few weeks, but I sensed something was up straight away and asked her, where we had a hour phone call basically about how she struggles to communicate what she wants, and that she wished she asked for no contact for the two weeks apart.

 

Monday morning we text general stuff, where she called me lovely and babe. We met up later that day in person where we go for a walk. She tells me she wants to break up, with the main reason being that she lost respect for me.

 

She struggled to explain why to begin with but then told me it was because of my situation:

 

1. No job

 

2. Let slip of my life outside of her

 

3. I asked for reassurance at times

 

4. I didn't always give her the space she asked for (I didn't mean to),

 

She told me that she had given up waiting and giving me chances to change points 2, 3 and 4.

 

We came back to mine (her suggestion) to talk more.

 

She told me that "the door of our relationship isn't fully shut. There's a part of me that wants you to convince me to give us another shot." She then said she shouldn't have said that very quickly after.

 

She followed this up by saying "but I need to leave here knowing I made a decision, and that I need you to accept that this is happening. I can't wait any longer with the uncertainty if you will me the man you once we're, the man you said you wanted to be again. I need to be with a man and look up to him, not someone that I've had to mother and look down to".

 

I stood my ground but I could see it wasn't going to do anything. We cuddled and cried a little. I started making a joke how she would never find a guy that was as good as me in bed. She laughed but agreed that she doesn't think she will. Cuddling then led to sex. This sex was the most passionate we had for a good while. She cried part way through it as she felt so close to me.

 

After that we cuddled a little then said a goodbye and hugged it out. We both said we should catch up in a couple of weeks, and then we said goodbye and she left saying she respected the fact that I accepted the break up.

 

For the next three days (as well as couple of hours after break up), she sent me a message everyday (Monday evening - hours after break up. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - today) asking how I was, how my course was going (I started an online course during lockdown) and my how my phone job interview went (I had one on Wednesday).

 

Each day I replied once with short answers. Never asked question apart from once where I asked how she was doing in reply to her question to me. She told me that she's was all over the place.

 

Wednesday evening I called her, feeling very confident and positive. She was straight away thrown off when I told her that I'm feeling fine, already focusing on myself and what I need and doing my own thing (she questioned this last part, asking if it meant I was talking to another woman already). She also told me she was surprised that I hadn't blown up her phone, and that was even more surprised that I called as she thought my delayed replies, and lack of asking how she was, was me trying to push her out my life. (She knows I've done this with all my previous exs after a breakup, never mind who ended it, and she told me she'd never want me to do it.). She told me she misses me and loves me and just trying to distract herself. I told her we should meet up one last time as I may not be back for a while (as I'm going back to my parents), she said she wasn't sure, but maybe in 2 or 3 weeks time.

 

Today a couple of hours ago after some thinking and talking with a few close peoples, I sent a message saying that:

 

1. this texting is confusing for both of us.

 

2. I believed we could have worked on things if we could communicate better, and that I truly believed we were meant to be.

 

3. Then said how I cherish our memories and that we also have things we need to improve on ourselves but one day we might meet again.

 

She read it instantly and spent forever online (unlike her) before replying to me with a message that didn't come across like one of hers and was very cold (very different to her other messages since break up - which have been warm and friendly).

 

Her reply included:

 

1. She agreed with me that the texting didn't help.

 

2. She feels secure that she made the right decision as she doesn't see a future with me

 

3. We had great times but doesn't mean we were right for each other.

 

She didn't even say goodbye. The message was written in a way that sounded like nothing she would say or sent to me before, it was even in one big paragraph with full stops, compared to sending each thing separately (which she has done EVER SINCE I MET HER).

 

Sorry for the long read!

 

Why would she say "the door of our relationship isn't fully shut. There's a part of me that wants you to convince me to give us another shot" and then a minute later tell me she's confident in her decision?

 

Why would she also say that "I need to leave here knowing I made a decision, and that I need you to accept that this is happening", it sounds she hadn't convinced herself it was over.

 

From that final message, was that even from her as it comes across someone wrote it down for her, or she wrote it in anger. Should I reply to it? There's no goodbye from either of our last messages.

 

It comes across that she had to leave mine knowing she ended it, no matter how the break up went.

 

I was her first relationship, her first love.

 

I've experienced my own breakups enough to know how to handle the recovery process, but the things she's said and acted are weird for her, believe me I know, she even said I know her better than she knows herself. She doesn't sound convinced, even in "her" last message to me, so why should I be convinced?

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Sorry to hear this. Ok you need to leave her alone before she files harassment, stalking charges or gets a restraining order. No means no. She may just block you, but you need to accept that it's over.

 

Keep in mind she is talking to her friends and family about this and each time you pester her with more unwanted contact she will tell them and they may advise her to block you or contact the police. She has tried being nice, letting you down easy but you are now going too far out of panic. Stop reading those get-your-ex-back scams.

 

A good use of your time would be to invest in your career and get to a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist to help you sort and cope with things. Reach out to your friends and family and classmates and coworkers.

 

Get a good LinkedIn profile up. Be productive. "Essential" business are begging for workers. Do all this for yourself, not as a get your ex back gimmick.

1. She agreed with me that the texting didn't help.

2. She feels secure that she made the right decision as she doesn't see a future with me

3. We had great times but doesn't mean we were right for each other.

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Sorry about this, buddy.

 

Breakups are a process. Since this happened, you've been looking for ways to reject it, to find some hope, some sign, something that allows you to process this breakup as the beginning of your next relationship with her. Understandable. Human. Hugs—been there.

 

She is on a completely different wavelength, however. She is, in a word, done. I know there was some static from her that led you to believe otherwise, to say nothing of your impulsive nature to try to cure your insecurities by reaching out to her, but I think she was just kind of being nice and selfish and human in her own way.

 

And when she got these text from you? Well, she probably sighed, felt the weight of your emotions again, felt the thing she'd decided to end, and realized that an end is an end is an end. So she dropped the friendly tone, and got all business. Stings, I know. I've been you and I've been her and it's awful. But moving forward? You do nothing. No more replies, no more trying to control the narrative.

 

It's healing time, right now. Growing time. It's going to be hard, at first, and lonesome. It's also going to be awesome, likely in ways that will take a while to see, and inhabit.

 

Try to think of it like this: a bomb just went off. Everything you're freaking out about right now? It's just dust in the air. Seems so consequential, but it's not. What is consequential is the bomb, which is real. The dust will settle—you kind of have to just wait that part out. Then you start rebuilding.

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I'm talking to my family and a few friends, they have been supporting me really well. It's not at the stage where I need s therapist at all, I'm just heartbroken that a woman that's loved me more than any other partner I've had has ended it.i find no comfort knowing she's heartbroken too.

 

I've already decided to not message again. I do feel for her because it must be hard to end a relationship with someone you love because you feel the relationship balance has changed. Reading other stories of people ending it with people they love helped me understand her position and I wish her the best. I want to tell her that as she deserves it, then give her the space she needs.

 

I feel angry somewhat, or just ticked off that she said the stuff about wanting me to convince her to not end it then say she has to leave knowing it's over and can't leave until she does.

 

I think calling it harassment is going too far. Remember she has initiated contact since the break up way more than I have. If she actually sounded like she knew what she wanted in the breakup then I wouldn't of even replied to her messages post break up, let alone send the last message I sent to her.

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Sorry about this, buddy.

 

Breakups are a process. Since this happened, you've been looking for ways to reject it, to find some hope, some sign, something that allows you to process this breakup as the beginning of your next relationship with her. Understandable. Human. Hugs—been there.

 

She is on a completely different wavelength, however. She is, in a word, done. I know there was some static from her that led you to believe otherwise, to say nothing of your impulsive nature to try to cure your insecurities by reaching out to her, but I think she was just kind of being nice and selfish and human in her own way.

 

And when she got these text from you? Well, she probably sighed, felt the weight of your emotions again, felt the thing she'd decided to end, and realized that an end is an end is an end. So she dropped the friendly tone, and got all business. Stings, I know. I've been you and I've been her and it's awful. But moving forward? You do nothing. No more replies, no more trying to control the narrative.

 

It's healing time, right now. Growing time. It's going to be hard, at first, and lonesome. It's also going to be awesome, likely in ways that will take a while to see, and inhabit.

 

Try to think of it like this: a bomb just went off. Everything you're freaking out about right now? It's just dust in the air. Seems so consequential, but it's not. What is consequential is the bomb, which is real. The dust will settle—you kind of have to just wait that part out. Then you start rebuilding.

 

That's a really great way of putting it, and yes I think you're right that I've found ways to reject. Mostly because of my insecurities, but partly because of some of the things she said.

 

I know it is hard but I know I'll be happy again, just as I was happy before her.

 

Can I just ask, when you mentioned about her sighing at the texts, why would she be ticked off if she initiated contact despite me sending replies that didn't leave the conversation open? Or did you mean that last text I sent her. (That last text was all in one, not multiple texts for each thing)

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I realised I didn't do a good job of detailing what went wrong in terms of the history, thought it might of helped with stronger feedback. It seemed best to just try again with detail, plus there were new things to add.

 

I appreciate the feedback I got on the other thread, but the feedback on here seems to be hitting home more already.

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Okay, OP.. can you do me a favor? Can you please stop analyzing every word, sentence, meaning, letter, text, movement, or hand gesture she may or may not do? I mean this because you will drive yourself crazy trying to decipher every single thing she says.

Now, i know this is way easier said than done. Its not easy to shut your brain off, but you must understand that she could very well be confused herself and you are essentially trying to chase a leaf that is blowing in the wind. Meaning that one second her mind might land on one thought and the next it might fly to another. Meanwhile you are going to be behind her trying to figure out what is going on in her mind when she has no idea.

So my suggestion is to just turn off your mind and leave her be. Let her decided what she wants. If you try to convince her, reason, bargain, or lure her to come back before she is ready, then it will just be a matter of time before the cycle will begin again. She knows you want to be with her so let her see a life without you in it. She might decide she wants you or doesnt want you, but what you must do is place yourself in a mental position that you can either accept her in your life or not.

Work on you, make you happy, let her be to figure things out and then let life take its path. You will be okay.

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I want...then give her the space she needs.

 

As an internet friend, I want to point out that this thought process and ensuing behavior seems to be the very thing that set the breakup train of events in motion. She needs space, but you are unwilling to give it to her unless your wants have been satisfied first.

 

As a person who operates & communicates more effectively when given space during conflict myself, I know what it’s like to try to call a time out, and have the response be somebody who says “Okay, BUT...” and continues to make their point or follow me as I walk away from the situation.

 

I don’t know about your ex, but I will always come back more calm, more in touch with my own mistakes in the situation, and more open to hear you out if given a brief pause to process things first when I ask for it.

 

Anyhow, it isn’t about me...but It occurred to me maybe you could see it if it was in your own words... Not an attack, I think you just don’t want to leave things unresolved or unsaid, and you don’t have patience to circle back once someone like your ex who needs space has taken a breather. Or maybe you feel like if they just heard you then they wouldn’t need the space at all, we could settle this now! But some of us “space cadets” need the space FIRST in order to hear you at all...

 

Best wishes.

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Sadly obsessive exes can get into legal trouble, particularly because they do not realize they are obsessing.

 

I’m a slow thinker and on my phone I’m a slow typist too, this wasn’t up when I began my previous post...but interesting the same phrase got singled out twice? Also agree that it’s even more important to let her go now that it’s “breakup” instead of “time out.”

 

You seem like a nice, thoughtful guy to me. I think you will grow from this and take what you learned into your next relationship for a better dynamic. That’s my hope, anyhow. Until then breakups suck and only time makes it better...but you can help by not doing anything to make it worse.

 

Good luck!

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As an internet friend, I want to point out that this thought process and ensuing behavior seems to be the very thing that set the breakup train of events in motion. She needs space, but you are unwilling to give it to her unless your wants have been satisfied first.

 

As a person who operates & communicates more effectively when given space during conflict myself, I know what it’s like to try to call a time out, and have the response be somebody who says “Okay, BUT...” and continues to make their point or follow me as I walk away from the situation.

 

I don’t know about your ex, but I will always come back more calm, more in touch with my own mistakes in the situation, and more open to hear you out if given a brief pause to process things first when I ask for it.

 

Anyhow, it isn’t about me...but It occurred to me maybe you could see it if it was in your own words... Not an attack, I think you just don’t want to leave things unresolved or unsaid, and you don’t have patience to circle back once someone like your ex who needs space has taken a breather. Or maybe you feel like if they just heard you then they wouldn’t need the space at all, we could settle this now! But some of us “space cadets” need the space FIRST in order to hear you at all...

 

Best wishes.

 

I'm so glad I rewrote this thread as I'm getting some amazing advice.

 

I've decided to not reply to her message. I like your way of describing her the needing space.

 

Do you think I've blown whatever chance there could have been in the future, for friendship or anything else? This comes from curiosity rather than actually believing in it.

 

Now is time to focus on myself, and to one day become a man that doesn't lose himself when in a relationship.

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And I'm concerned that people think that her last reply was from a place of harassment due to how I described it so I've left it here below.

 

"I think you’re right, it would be best for both of us not to talk. It wouldn’t be a good idea for us to meet and that’s not what I want. I still care for you and want to know you’re okay but I understand that not speaking is the best way for both of us to move on. I don’t see a future where we get back together as I still feel secure in my decision to break up. We had great times together but that doesn’t mean we were right for each other."

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Can I just ask, when you mentioned about her sighing at the texts, why would she be ticked off if she initiated contact despite me sending replies that didn't leave the conversation open?

 

This is the dust I was talking about. Not stuff to fret over, since fretting does not undo the detonation of the bomb.

 

She broke up with you. She felt smothered, overwhelmed, wanted out. Her truth. Yeah, she also sent some gauzy texts afterward—dust, all that—but it didn't change the truth. At all. For her.

 

Your texts to her carried a clear message: Keep thinking about me, come back to me, sooner than later. Not the energy she wants right now. In fact, it's connected to the energy that led her to break up, and so she responded by just reiterating that breakup, without the gloss of those post-breakup notes.

 

Let's say you were a professional football player, a week away from playing in the Super Bowl. And let's say you trip in the shower and break your leg. You so, so badly want to play, but you can't. That is you, right now, and you've mentally made her the Super Bowl. Alas, you're not going to play. You can only sit, and let the break heal.

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Your texts to her carried a clear message: Keep thinking about me, come back to me, sooner than later. Not the energy she wants right now. In fact, it's connected to the energy that led her to break up, and so she responded by just reiterating that breakup, without the gloss of those post-breakup notes.

 

I know I've probably done the damage, but even if I haven't, I expect the best thing to do is not reply?

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I'm so glad I rewrote this thread as I'm getting some amazing advice.

 

I've decided to not reply to her message. I like your way of describing her the needing space.

 

Do you think I've blown whatever chance there could have been in the future, for friendship or anything else? This comes from curiosity rather than actually believing in it.

 

Now is time to focus on myself, and to one day become a man that doesn't lose himself when in a relationship.

 

Your head is in the right space man. You’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime to take some time and truly heal and step your human being game way up and you seem to be willing to take it.

 

Did you blow any chance? I would say yes if I was honest with you - but what the eff do I know? I also want to say that there’s a way better relationship waiting down the road that you should focus preparing yourself to contribute to...but I know how dumb “when one door closes another opens” style platitudes sound when you’re in the thick of breakup sadness....

 

Seriously man, I’m pulling for you to take a little dating break, heal and level up... You got this.

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I know I've probably done the damage, but even if I haven't, I expect the best thing to do is not reply?

 

Staaaaaaahp. Gather up your dignity and leave her alone.

 

Or don’t, but realize you are continuing the exact same behavior she hates if you keep texting her.

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I know I've probably done the damage, but even if I haven't, I expect the best thing to do is not reply?

 

Just going to keep stressing this: you've done no damage. Because, alas, the damage had already been done.

 

Again, the bomb stuff. So long as you are alive after the bomb—and you are!—it really doesn't matter what you do in the aftermath. Scream and shout? Cry? Run east or west? It's all the same thing. It's panic, confusion, fright. It feels very consequential at the time, but it's not.

 

But moving forward? No. No replies. Accept the above—this is just you flailing after the bomb. React to it however you want—do a 100 pushups, wail at the moon, get buzzed, get into yoga, punch a wall, cry, post here—except for one way: not contacting her.

 

The bomb cannot fix the explosion. Playing with it just sets off new ones.

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Just going to keep stressing this: you've done no damage. Because, alas, the damage had already been done.

 

And I expect the damage you mean is how I acted in the relationship.

 

I don't regret ever replying to her asking how my evening was hours after the break up, as a big part of me wanted to be kind and polite. I do regret letting my emotions get the better of me since that message, and it's a great to have learned if a scenario like this ever happens again.

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Staaaaaaahp. Gather up your dignity and leave her alone.

 

Or don’t, but realize you are continuing the exact same behavior she hates if you keep texting her.

 

I already knew the answer, I think I just needed the validation that it was the right one which has been answered.

 

That was my problem throughout the relationship, I needed validation from her at times. I don't think she liked that, she liked it when I took control of the situation and led rather than be led.

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And I expect the damage you mean is how I acted in the relationship.

 

I don't regret ever replying to her asking how my evening was hours after the break up, as a big part of me wanted to be kind and polite. I do regret letting my emotions get the better of me since that message, and it's a great to have learned if a scenario like this ever happens again.

 

No, not really. The damage is that the relationship is over. Whatever led to that is no longer relevant in the context of the relationship, because the relationship is over.

 

Yes, you will spend some time beating yourself up, and then some time forgiving yourself. You'll grow inward and outward. It's a non-linear process. You may even find, as the dust clears, that you were not quite as invested as you think—that some of this "damaging" behavior was not simply a verdict on your and your shortcomings, but was triggered by a connection that was not as strong or compatible as you once believed.

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So before starting a new relationship that would be a great area of your life to look at. Questions like, why do I feel insecure? Can external circumstances, which are never static but ALWAYS changing, make me secure? Or is it possible that I could learn to feel like who I truly am is enough - no matter what my circumstances or what other people thought?

 

Find a friend, mentor or counselor you can get deeeeep with. I was resistant to seeing a talk therapist because I had this idea that it implied something was wrong with me, or I was inadequate. But when I finally got in enough pain I wanted to get therapy, I came to realize that only people who want to grow see therapists. People who who are strong enough to really change...it’s simple, but it’s not easy. Anyway, big fan of having someone I can be utterly open and honest with as a mirror for my quirky mind hahaha.

 

You can’t see your eye with your eye...

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The advice on here has been what I've needed to hear compared to my friends and family, as everyone on this forum is brutally honest which is what I need.

 

It's the morning after and I feel better than yesterday. There's some things which I still don't understand in the break up and wish I knew why she said them.

 

She gave several reasons why we weren't compatible due to how I apparently replied or acted when people in her circle would ask me about my job. I remember those times as clear as day and I didn't act or reply in the way she said I did. I told her this, she went quiet and got embarrassed, then said that she was mistaken and wasn't sure why she'd say that.

 

I know that the above and the other questions I have are all dust from the bomb of the breakup going off, but I still want to understand. I would love an opinion from someone here, not so I get my hopes up, but to get that closure.

 

I want that closure for some of the weird things she said in the breakup then I can move on. If that means the closure comes from opinions coming from here then so be it, as I'm not reaching out to her for them.

 

On another note. On the phone she requested that I should reach out to her in 2-3 weeks time. If that time comes around and I'm in a different place other than okay to do it then I wouldn't anyway. Is this something I should do if I am in a good place then?

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