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How to bring up no more dating after one passes?


Grimlockkk

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I'm basically looking for a long term partner, and someone that is also as loyal as I am to friends / partners. Someone that values loyalty to their partner above all else. So, how do you find a partners views on dating after one of us passes? I'd ideally like to screen people out early, so I do not get attached and have to go through a painful break up.

 

If they'd date again it's a deal breaker for me. My grandma was like this for her husband, and I've noticed most young people seem more frivolous than her generation.

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This is an odd thing to worry about, and likely to put off most people when you're first getting to know them.

 

It is not frivolous to eventually date again after the death of a partner, either. My own ex died many years ago. We were young, and not married. It would have been totally unrealistic for me to never date again. Plenty of widows and widowers also move on to find love again. It doesn't negate the love they shared with their deceased partner, and it's not exactly fair to expect loyalty once you're gone forever.

 

You also must realize you will have no way of knowing whether or not someone keeps their word on this, no?

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Yeah, it's still important. I won't directly ask it. I still want it, and I just know cultures have existed that do this in some form.

 

I think it's fine for a female to date others if she wants children and her partner passes early.

 

I have noticed a lot of people that remarry get really angry over people thinking like this.

 

By frivolous, I just mean younger people are more open to polyamory and such. They cheapen the bond by being casual with romance.

 

My favorite movie is Hanna--Bi, a Japanese romantic movie about a cop that breaks the law to give his terminal wife one last trip. They commit a love suicide at the end, which is extremely popular in Japan when lovers can't be together for social reasons. (low status woman and high status male)

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I would bring it up as your personal requirement without passing judgment on others' relationship choices. Even if I were a person who would fulfil those requirements (I am not -my marriage vows said "till death do us part" so after death of course my husband might marry again or date or whatever), I would find your tone in how you refer to others way too judgmental so if you share with a potential partner what you wrote above many would be turned off by the judgmental aspect as opposed to the underlying requirement.

 

(And I am not interested in polyamory for me but from what I understand those who are into it and follow the commitment of it are very committed to their partner/partners - some of course use the term loosely to refer to just hooking up outside the relationship with the other person's knowledge - I think there's a spectrum).

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Oh, it's been about nine years since I have been in a relationship. I usually bounce after the first date, as dating takes me away from work. I don't believe having a sexual partner is necessary for happiness.

 

Yes- then you should prioritize your work particularly given your views about relationships and your propensity to judge others. Healthy relationships to me involve a healthy dose of humility.

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I think most poly people are actually having casual sex, and are in denial. That just seems like how it plays out in reality.

 

Ok, but I not doing any of that and have been with my husband for 31 years, it is our 26th wedding anniversary next week. If I died I would not want him to condemned to being alone for the rest of his life. If I die tomorrow he still would only be 50 years old what would he do for the next 35 odd years of his life?

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Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, it sounds like you've got a whole lot more to unpack than being concerned a woman might not feel obligated to die alone once you've passed.

 

I don't throw the "t" word around very often, but hopefully you're pursuing some form of therapy. I'm the last person to judge someone for the content of their favorite movies, but applying one where a guy shoots his wife and then himself as any sort of romantic standard, even if vaguely, is more than a little bit concerning. There's about 1,000 miles of distance between expecting self-imposed celibacy after a partner's passing and casual sex, [insert sweeping judgment of "young people"], polyamory, etc. Genuinely, I wish you luck finding a much happier medium. Let us know how it goes.

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I find your thought process to be totally unrealistic and unreasonable. Expecting a person to never date or marry if you should die first is crazy. Why should you expect that out of someone? You cant control what they would do after you die!

 

What if you die young and your partner is roughly the same age, do you expect them to go the next 50 or more years alone? How selfish is that, not to mention foolish? Yeah I think a few sessions with an online therapist could help you unravel your warped thinking process.

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You want to blame it on "young people being frivolous" but I've worked in healthcare for over 10 years and I have seen a lot of older people die - do you know how many remained COMPLETELY single until the very end after a partner died? Well, not many. Most didn't remarry but many still had boyfriends/girlfriends. Some didn't have sex again but they would go on little dates and kiss.

 

I used to date primarily much older men and in each of those relationships, each always told me "I'd hate for you to be alone when I'm gone".

 

When you are dead and gone, why would you demand loyalty over their happiness? What good does that do? Why does the image of a lonely, sad person waiting until the inevitable end please you?

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Given that you have one thread focused on wrangling control of the past, and controlling someone from your past to fit into your personal narrative, I would challenge yourself to ask why preemptive control of the future, and another human being's future once you've stopped existing, is so important to you.

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That boundary is going to be a bit tough to enforce, haha.

 

Anyway, just bring it up like any other expectation, hope, or value you have for relationships: conversationally.

 

I am sitting here trying to imagine that question during an early dating phase. It would cause me to bolt. Not because I would or wouldn't want to remarry. It's just the fact that it's that big of a concern and a condition as to whether or not it goes any further.

It feels like and symptoms of something bigger going on.

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nobody can control what happens to anybody in future i think legally also if you were married and death happenned, a widow or widower can marry anybody he/she wishes to.

You will get a perfect response from a lawyer on this before you even think of putting this argument before your potential partner.

Kinda strange dont you feel i am dead and i need to ensure my alive partner does not date,live or marry anybody else, just doesnt make sense. More than strange i wouldn't date anyone who actually spoke to me about this, will feel weird about that person to be honest would be deal breaker right

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I don’t see how this shows loyalty. I am very lucky and have an extremely devoted husband who loves me dearly, but I can tell you that if I were to drop dead tomorrow, he would be remarried in a year. He has taken great care of me through very bad health situations and difficult family problems and is a wonderful spouse — that is loyalty. We have been married for more than 30 years and you know what? He really likes being married, which is why he would marry again. He likes having someone he can talk to, tell inane jokes to, travel, cook for and just hang around. I actually think it is a compliment when people remarry because it shows they enjoyed their previous marriages.

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Yeah, it's still important. I won't directly ask it. I still want it, and I just know cultures have existed that do this in some form.

 

I think it's fine for a female to date others if she wants children and her partner passes early.

 

I have noticed a lot of people that remarry get really angry over people thinking like this.

 

By frivolous, I just mean younger people are more open to polyamory and such. They cheapen the bond by being casual with romance.

 

My favorite movie is Hanna--Bi, a Japanese romantic movie about a cop that breaks the law to give his terminal wife one last trip. They commit a love suicide at the end, which is extremely popular in Japan when lovers can't be together for social reasons. (low status woman and high status male)

 

You have every right to want a partner that's monogamous, doesn't have casual sex, etc. But requiring them to devote the rest of their lives to you and only you is unfair and unrealistic. Even if someone makes that promise when they are in love, how do you even know for sure? I mean, how can THEY even know for sure? I know people who were so gripped with grief when losing their spouses and didn't think they'd ever love again, but over time they were able to heal and became open to the idea of another relationship. As another poster mentioned, people who have had loving marriages/relationships tend to want to date again eventually, because that's the lifestyle they like. Granted, it would be hurtful when someone starts dating immediately once their spouse exhaled the last breath, but most loving, loyal (by common definition, which can be a bit different from yours) partners will not act that way. So, if you really need to know that your partner will not want to date again after you pass, your best bet would be a cold, aloof person who doesn't enjoy or value another human being's company very much. That way they wouldn't feel much loss after losing a partner and may choose to live the rest of their lives enjoying being single.

 

Note that your expectation should go both ways. How would you feel if your partner passes first and you have to live lonely for the rest 30-40 years? Would you be able to guarantee that you would never have feelings for someone again, or when you do you will suppress that feeling and never act on it? Would you judge yourself for being not loyal, should you want to be loved again?

 

Also, love suicide is by no means "extremely popular" in Japan or anywhere. It exists, perhaps in many cultures and societies, but always rare unless one party (usually women) is forced to sacrifice themselves when their partners die. That is oppression, not loyalty.

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I am sitting here trying to imagine that question during an early dating phase. It would cause me to bolt. Not because I would or wouldn't want to remarry. It's just the fact that it's that big of a concern and a condition as to whether or not it goes any further.

It feels like and symptoms of something bigger going on.

 

Agreed! I’d be outtie 5000 immediately upon this subject being dropped in the soup.

 

But I don’t want to be the arbiter of what’s important to this guy. And I’m DEFINITELY not qualified to help him address these issues, even if he was asking how he could address them...which he didn’t...

 

Good luck with this one, OP...you’re choosing a pretty tough path for yourself on this one.

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