Long term

Hi, I've been with my partner 12 years, living together 10, all good at the start, for years not there has been no affection, passion, hardly any sex, when I bring it up she gets very upset and just says its her hormones and won't talk about it, I love her and hate upsetting her but I can't live like this, I have no one to talk to and don't know what to do. She is very shy, won't go to the docs to see if they can help, I just want to feel loved is that wrong?

My mom used to say “feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just ARE.” So you feel how you feel and there’s no need to figure out who or what is right or wrong. I know sometimes when I’m upset about a situation I will initially try to assign blame for whatever I consider unacceptable...but that puts me into an adversarial mode.

Most of the time with my personality type a “teamwork/collaborative” approach works best for finding solutions so I would stay away from judgement words and stick to talking about your feelings themselves. I feel frustrated/lonely/confused for example. Those are the three feelings I thought I recognized in your post. So “I feel frustrated that you won’t seek treatment for your hormonal imbalance.” “Our sex life is not fulfilling for me and I’m not sure what will happen if we don’t find a solution together.” “I feel like there’s a lack of affection and passion between us, what can I say to convey to you how lonely I’ve become in this relationship?” “I’m willing to take a look at my part in these things and make changes, but I want your reassurance that we’re in this together - and I’m curious to find out how you see this situation...” Stuff like that might kick off convo without it being a finger-pointing blame fest?

If you’re already past the point of trying to work it out and you want to leave her then the kindest thing you can do is to be direct and just say so. It’s so common for a dumper to feel guilty, but in truth nobody is obligated to stay in a situation that isn’t working for them.

Hopefully you hear what you need to hear in this thread; 12 years is a long time. Good luck!

My mom used to say “feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just ARE.” So you feel how you feel and there’s no need to figure out who or what is right or wrong. I know sometimes when I’m upset about a situation I will initially try to assign blame for whatever I consider unacceptable...but that puts me into an adversarial mode.

 

Most of the time with my personality type a “teamwork/collaborative” approach works best for finding solutions so I would stay away from judgement words and stick to talking about your feelings themselves. I feel frustrated/lonely/confused for example. Those are the three feelings I thought I recognized in your post. So “I feel frustrated that you won’t seek treatment for your hormonal imbalance.” “Our sex life is not fulfilling for me and I’m not sure what will happen if we don’t find a solution together.” “I feel like there’s a lack of affection and passion between us, what can I say to convey to you how lonely I’ve become in this relationship?” “I’m willing to take a look at my part in these things and make changes, but I want your reassurance that we’re in this together - and I’m curious to find out how you see this situation...” Stuff like that might kick off convo without it being a finger-pointing blame fest?

 

If you’re already past the point of trying to work it out and you want to leave her then the kindest thing you can do is to be direct and just say so. It’s so common for a dumper to feel guilty, but in truth nobody is obligated to stay in a situation that isn’t working for them.

 

Hopefully you hear what you need to hear in this thread; 12 years is a long time. Good luck!

Skeptic76's advice is spot on, and notice how all the statements have "I" in them, because she can't argue with how you're feeling, versus what wouldn't work--if you said a lot of "you's," such as "you never" or "you always" which would have the opposite effect and have her putting up walls.

Two people have to be willing to put in equal effort for a relationship to thrive. I'd also ask her, "What kind of improvements would you like to see happen in our relationship?" And then listen. Ask more questions to clarify, but don't get defensive. Perhaps you are lacking in what she needs, but that's on her if she hasn't communicated this to you.

If she won't answer to anything you bring up, be prepared to offer a sort of ultimatum, because why should you sacrifice your one life on this planet for someone who doesn't care that you're unhappy?

I'd say: I can't live like this for the rest of my life. We need to attend couples therapy to gain the skills we need to fix things because I love you and want this to work.

If she doesn't care to make it work, tell her you'll go to a therapist on your own, and do so to show her you're serious and this is stage one of a huge change in your lives. If she still doesn't agree to any changes, at least you can say you tried before throwing in the towel and then get a lawyer. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

It seems to me that you have reached a dead end. The relationship has gotten stale and boring and you cannot talk about it. Maybe something is wrong with you, maybe something is wrong with her, or both. A partnership is give and take and if it is starting to get into you, you have no one to talk to, sooner or later you will explode. I would seriously consider leaving her and if that doesn’t wake her up and get serious at mending it, get a better life. Imagine the same scenario day in day out, month after month. This is not a healthy relationship and if it does not change, one day you will wake up realizing you wasted so many years of your life.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I love her just not getting the love back I need, think maybe it was an act at the start and she couldn't keep it up, or I've done something wrong and she won't say

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I love her just not getting the love back I need, think maybe it was an act at the start and she couldn't keep it up, or I've done something wrong and she won't say

you deserve love back. One person sacrificing being loved for the other, is nothing but pain and suffering.

Get out if this situation as soon as you can. Are you basically roommates now?

Yes, that exactly, we have a house together, share a bed, meals etc but that's it, we don't even hold hands anymore, she always says love you, but that's as far as the affection goes, I love her deeply and want to hold her love her etc but I get the impression it makes her uncomfortable. I bring the subject up every now and again but she gets so upset it breaks my heart to hurt her so the conversation ends then we just go back to normal.

Okay wait - you are so averse to conflict that you would consider walking away from your marriage to avoid it? It’s YOUR marriage, if you want to leave it then by all means...but it sounds like you’re saying you are afraid to make your thoughts and feelings behind it clear to her first?

Do you think if you just walk over to her and announce you’re leaving that she will just say, “oh okay” and not be upset? I think you need to reconsider having a real heart to heart with her where you tell her your truth even though she gets upset and there is a risk of your heart breaking as you say.

Yes, that exactly, we have a house together, share a bed, meals etc but that's it, we don't even hold hands anymore, she always says love you, but that's as far as the affection goes, I love her deeply and want to hold her love her etc but I get the impression it makes her uncomfortable. I bring the subject up every now and again but she gets so upset it breaks my heart to hurt her so the conversation ends then we just go back to normal.

I think you need to talk to her and tell her all of this... Being upset is reasonable. Its an emotional conversation but is it also a manipulation?

To stop you from being true to yourself, expressing your needs, and holding her accountable to her share of the relationship?

if things don't change, you should start the process to separate.

Sorry to hear this. Is there someone else? Is she happy just coasting along playing house? It sounds like she is checked out emotionally.

we have a house together, share a bed, meals etc but that's it, we don't even hold hands anymore.

I honestly don't think there is anyone else and yes I genuinely think she is happy just coasting along, she was on her own a long time before I met her maybe that has something to do with it, and the menopause, I mean it could be me, something I've done, or haven't done, she just won't talk about things like that, I think I'm going to tell her we Have to talk, I can't go on like this, maybe tell her we're not going to talk now then she doesn't get defensive cos I've sprung it on her, ask her to tell me when she's ready to talk but put a time limit on it. Say within the week maybe?

I don’t know if I just missed it, Stevie73, but this is the first time I saw the word menopause. If she is menopausal that changes the whole ball game. Women lose their drive and sometimes they get depressed or moody, hot flashes, facial flushes, and problems with sleep, sex, mood, memory and thinking. You need to talk with her and maybe some medical help, if she is not getting that right now.

It could be menopause or maybe not. I just (apparently) finished menopause (yay!) and I am as fired up as I was in my 30s. No change in sex drive at all.

So, of course that means we are all different.

I agree a talk is in order. If she starts the emotional thing, please remind her that you love her and THAT is why you want to talk...not because you want to hurt her.

Sometimes menopause changes libido dramatically. I have ZERO and I mean ZERO interest in sex.

Often lack of sex = unhappy with the relationship overall. Do not suggest she go to a doctor with 'fix her she won't have sex'. She knows herself what's going on. However she's completely withdrawn emotionally and that will manifest as lack of sex. Does she want to marry or have some romance?

What makes you think she's happy coasting along in a domestic rut? If you continue to confront her with ' I'm not getting enough sex' instead of reviewing your role in this, the withdrawal will get deeper. Have you approached it in a 'what can I do?' fashion?

I genuinely think she is happy just coasting along, and the menopause.