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Thread: Living with Sister

  1. #1
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    Living with Sister

    So I live with my sister and due to the quarantine that is ongoing, it is becoming really difficult dealing with her.

    Background info: I am 32, she is 33. She has no friends, no BF, not married, recently laid off due to the outbreak. whenever we talk, we are at each other's throats. this has been the case for the longest time, it is only until the quarantine that i realized how bad it is. i can't help her because she doesn't listen to advice to begin with. for all my life i tell her some of the things she does are wrong/not acceptable. but nothing.

    also, we have an emotional/verbally abusive mother who basically abused us in our childhood and i think my sister took the major hit mentally. she is really irritable and sensitive. she has set ways of doing things, if done slightly off, she loses it. i feel like she has no personality and gets on the defensive real quick. she needs a lot of attention. like a lot. she talks a lot, and really fast. she talks so fast that she doesn't leave room for the listener to participate.

    personally, i can't deal with needy/clingy people in general so my sister is not any different. i am perfectly comfortable staying quiet for hours and not say a word because i keep myself busy.

    now i just stay quiet and wait for her to finish talking. i even started recording our conversations to see maybe i am exaggerating, but no. i recorded an hour long conversation, and i basically spoke for maybe 10 minutes.

    without asking about why we still live at home because i am embarrassed about it myself (long and boring story), anyone got any advice? or share some similar stories?

    hope you're all staying safe out there and thanks for reading
    Last edited by lancelot873; 04-16-2020 at 11:36 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    This is a really lousy time for everyone but worse for those stuck in a house with someone who drives them crazy. Can you be in a different area of the house than her? Do you have any hobbies you can pursue to keep you busy? Can you go for a walk about the block?

    Does she do anything, like have a hobby, go for a walk?

    There's no good solution to this, unfortunately, you just have to hang in there and tell yourself this too shall pass.

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    Originally Posted by lancelot873
    for all my life i tell her some of the things she does are wrong/not acceptable. but nothing.

    also, we have an emotional/verbally abusive mother
    Try treating her like an adult instead of choosing every moment to point out her flaws like I'm sure your mom did. When she does something that irates you, take a deep breath, and try to see it from her point of view. Always stick to the facts, not your interpretation of things. And take a moment listen to what she is saying instead of focusing on what you plan to say next.

    When you are on the offense many times, the other person goes into defense mode. So instead, talk about your feelings, and how an action makes you feel a certain way and why.

    I am sure your abusive mom affected both of you. Telling them their flaws all the time their entire life is also abusive.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Can you give an example of her 'set way' of doing things? What kinds of things irritate her?

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    for all my life i tell her some of the things she does are wrong/not acceptable.
    This is not a productive way to have a good relationship--with anyone.

    Try to catch her doing something good, then tell how how impressed you are with her for that. Find things you can admire about her, and tell her about those.

    Relationships are about building one another UP. If you want better exchanges with her, start modeling the kindness and generosity that's foundational to any relationship, and keep the criticism out of it. You may not see immediate results because your barriers have been built over a lifetime, but it's no skin off your back to learn whether she might flourish under your encouragement.

    If you want to undo damage, you need to start somewhere, and the only changes you can make will have to come from you.

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    This is a really lousy time for everyone but worse for those stuck in a house with someone who drives them crazy. Can you be in a different area of the house than her? Do you have any hobbies you can pursue to keep you busy? Can you go for a walk about the block?

    Does she do anything, like have a hobby, go for a walk?

    There's no good solution to this, unfortunately, you just have to hang in there and tell yourself this too shall pass.
    I am mostly keeping busy myself, and do keep myself in a different area, but we are polar opposites. i like quiet time and no talking, she is the opposite. so when we do talk, it is very tense and we start to argue.

    i don't think she has any hobby to be honest, all she does is watch news on her iPad.

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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Can you give an example of her 'set way' of doing things? What kinds of things irritate her?
    so for instance i like to leave my PS3 controller on the coffee table, she takes liberty in moving it to the TV stand. growing up, she never let anyone touch any item of hers. so why does she touch other peoples'?

    or the blinds, i like to keep the living room private as in i don't like people peeking in and see what i'm doing. (we live in a new development area and fencing is still not done). she always keeps the room lit and i have to remind her of why i do it, and she just makes fun of me, saying what "privacy"?

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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Try treating her like an adult instead of choosing every moment to point out her flaws like I'm sure your mom did. When she does something that irates you, take a deep breath, and try to see it from her point of view. Always stick to the facts, not your interpretation of things. And take a moment listen to what she is saying instead of focusing on what you plan to say next.

    When you are on the offense many times, the other person goes into defense mode. So instead, talk about your feelings, and how an action makes you feel a certain way and why.

    I am sure your abusive mom affected both of you. Telling them their flaws all the time their entire life is also abusive.
    that's a good point, i do treat her like an adult and i am not automatically hostile against her. however, the longer the conversation goes between us, more chances of her saying things or behaving in a way that i consider to be childish or immature. i start with treating her like an adult, then she does childish things, or says childish things in response and it ticks me off to see my sister, at her age, is behaving this way. so i try to correct her politely and she rejects furiously. she is on the stubborn side. granted everyone has a degree of stubbornness.

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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    This is not a productive way to have a good relationship--with anyone.

    Try to catch her doing something good, then tell how how impressed you are with her for that. Find things you can admire about her, and tell her about those.

    Relationships are about building one another UP. If you want better exchanges with her, start modeling the kindness and generosity that's foundational to any relationship, and keep the criticism out of it. You may not see immediate results because your barriers have been built over a lifetime, but it's no skin off your back to learn whether she might flourish under your encouragement.

    If you want to undo damage, you need to start somewhere, and the only changes you can make will have to come from you.
    i want no exchanges. i want no trouble. i literally want to just sit in peace, since she is more extroverted than i am, she can't sit still by herself, she likes to involve people. and now that we cannot go out anywhere, i am the people. another example is giving instructions. she is very demanding and likes to issue orders and follows up with the orders like INSTANTLY and i simply cannot accept that. if the world ran on a whim, then we wouldn't be having problems would we. we are adults, i have wants and needs just like her. when i want something i go and get it myself. or make it happen. but her, no, she likes to ask people to do things for her and uses the "girl" cover as this is a guy thing to do. and i don't buy that. i respect women, and i believe if they want equality, they should put in the effort themselves and stop relying on others to do the work for them.

    personally, i do not like the princess-y type girls to begin with, and she has a lot of those tendencies. maybe that's where the problem lies.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok stop monitoring, trying to change, recording and generally antagonizing her. Just stay in your own lane and get out of the line of fire. Who cares what she's like? Just steer clear.
    Originally Posted by lancelot873
    I am mostly keeping busy myself, and do keep myself in a different area

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