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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #1
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    Am I wrong?

    I just found out my dad is paying my sisterís rent for her to live with my mom. My sister is 35 and a full time school teacher. She has been a moocher her whole life and will do anything to use someone elseís money. I feel so annoyed and aggravated. My sister has rarely ever lived on her own. She says she is saving for a house, but lots of people are. We are polar opposites. I have lived in a different state than my family since I went to college. I have never had my parents help to pay rent or bills. My sister has made it seem like I am a bad child because I live in another state and ďdo nothing for themĒ. My parents are getting older but my sister does very little for them and what she does do, she doesnít do out of the goodness of her heart. She has already tried to get me written out of my dadís will and went behind my back when my dad was sick and got him to sign a POA and other documents naming only her. I sort of just let her fail on her own, knowing my sister would not handle the things she said she would- for example she moved in with him to take care of him... it turned into him caring for her. I ended up having to call elder abuse on her because she hit him and refused to leave. She was a joint tenant on the lease. I got her to leave and thatís when she went to live with my mom. I recently learned she convinced my dad to pay her rent as ďhe is the reason she has to pay rent now.Ē I feel like she is taking advantage of him. She is already getting more in the will. She gets 55 percent and I get 45 percent. She also made me agree to not take a percent as excutor of the will. I agreed only because I donít trust her and before under the will my sister made him sign, she was the executor. I am the attorney. My dad asked me to take over as executor of my uncleís will when he passed away. My sister to this day- complains how I was able to get a percent from managing it and she wasnít given a chance to do it- mind you she never even asked to do it when it came up.

    I feel like she is already getting more as she does a little more for him. She takes him to the grocery store, appointments, the bank... mind you she got him to sign over his car to her for $1 when he was sick and not competent. He told her since that she can keep the car provided she brings him to the appointments. He eventually signed updated documents making both of us POA. His attorney recommended removing my sister, but he wonít as I am not there- although I can do a lot and do stuff online for him or by mail. I am pissed my sister is getting my dad to pay her rent to live with my mom. She doesnít clean for him- me calling elder abuse hooked him up with services to help him with cleaning. I donít trust her.

    I have basically no relationship with her. I hate visiting because I hate dealing with her. Both my parents have enabled her forever. I want my dad to stick up for himself and tell her no- but he is scared she will not give him rides. When I am home- she vanishes and I do everything for him. She is a teacher- has summers off. I get only a few weeks and my job is a lot more stressful. I donít want to visit if it means I am stuck working. I have offered to find someone to help clean out the house- he is a hoarder... and I canít go on there as it smells very bad and I am very sensitive to smells.

    With my dadís rent, and him paying my sisterís rent, his money is quickly draining. Hopefully eventually he will let us clear out the house and sell it. That is another sore issue as he seems to have offered to give it to my sister, and she can use his money to fix it up.. that way his stuff can stay in the basement... I donít really care if he did that as he has made it clear that I would still get 50 percent of the house when he dies- he always says 50 percent even though I know Iíll only get 45 with the way the will is drafted. I know I could likely sue my sister and get 50-50 if I wanted but I am not looking to one up her or drain my dadís money... I am okay with her getting a little more, since I know she has done some stuff for him, and I have a job and will still be all right... I know my sister is still fighting my dad to get a higher percent... and using threats. over his head. My dad talked about moving back into his house with her and I had to remind him that he canít live with her. She is abusive and he really doesnít have the money to give my sister his house and buy a condo for himself. She should be buying her own house.

    My mom doesnít seem to care. She seems to think my dad is playing both of us- and he is sorta. He never told me about the money he was paying for rent until my sister wanted me to call him because he was going back on our agreement as to when we would have someone clear out the house.

    I like my life away from them. I canít do the drama. Part of why I will never return is that I was emotionally abuse by my dad as a child while he physically abuse my mom. I was a lot more in involved than my sister... having even called the police once when my mom told me to during one of their incidents after he pushed me for trying to protect my mom. My family refuses to see that they are part of the reason I left where they live and I created my own life. My sister is a lot like my dad. It was ironic in the way listening to my dad say how abused he was by her and thinking... this is how you made mom and me feel.

    I doubt Iíll ever have a relationship with my sister. Part of me just wants to say hell with it- I am done with all of you- do whatever you want and never talk to any of them again. I know I wonít do that, but I am so tired of seeing my sister take advantage of everyone. I have offered for my dad to move to where I live... at one point he even seemed to consider it. The sad thing is I wouldnít want more. I just want 50-50 as we are both his kids. I had offered to buy two houses next door to each other and he turned me down.

    Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should be greatful my sister drives him to appoinments and take him to the store... it just seems like me any child should do those things without needing to get more for it. I asked my dad- well how long are you going to have to pay her rent for... he didnít know the answer. He just said that she told him that he needs to pay his rent since he was living for free with my dad- and blames him for her not living there. Itís her fault. If she hadnít left I would have been forced to call the police and get an order of protection. She takes no responsibility. She blames the victim. Idk if I should call elder abuse on her again since she is making him feel like he has no choice. I likely wonít... but I am so sick of her taking advantage.

    She makes enough to pay for her own rent. She makes enough to pay for her own car. She makes enough to pay for her own food. The only reason she was living with my dad rent free was because she was supposed to care for him- which she didnít do. She never cooked or cleaned for him. I think itís scary that a 35 year old lives in someone else bedroom and owns like nothing... she has no tv, no furniture... everything in that room except for her clothing is my motherís.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you ever talked to a lawyer, for your own sake, about this?

  3. #3
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    No. Not my own lawyer. I am one and I know what my rights are. I also know itís hard proving that my dad was forced to write his will a certain way. Personally, I really donít want to have to take my sister to court. Over the 15 percent difference, idk if itís worth it. My dad was always 50-50... until she dug her nails into him. Now I think he would do whatever she wanted to a degree out of fear. I am not saying I wonít get the law involved, but at the time I was putting together mown case if I had to sue my sister talked him into an 80-20... that never made it to the will... but the fact that she got him to consider it while he was incapacitated felt like a knife to my back. My sister knows that I have struggled my entire life feeling that my dad loves her more... and she took advantage of his state of mind. He is much better now- it doesnít mean she wonít strike again though. I have saved voicemails with him calling her a monster and needed help to out get out the situation. My dad doesnít want her to lose her job. I try to look out for him, and it took me a long time to empower him to get her to move out. At that time she would use that threat that she would move out if she didnít get her way. At that point my dad felt like he needed her- although she did very little. I know my sister. I knew she would be abusive towards him... I knew she wouldnít willingly move out... I also know she wonít return his car. I donít see her not doing anything for him because if she does that- my dad really should cut her out because she is being an . She only cares about his money. I have offered to order his groceries online for him, and do other things to try to make it so she doesnít do as much. If I was to order online versus her picking up his groceries it would at least be one less thing for her to hold over him. He says he has now power, yet he really holds the cards. He just doesnít see it out of fear.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Can you just let this go? My mother had it in her will that my (already wealthy) brother got about 99% of her substantial money plus her house and everything in it so he got over a half million bucks. I got $10K. I could have been really hurt and upset about it and let it bring me down but I didnt. I knew she preferred him over me, it was obvious all my life. So, even tho it hurt, I let it go. The drama and angst was not worth it. You may well feel better and sleep better if you can just let it go and not consume you. My dad would never have agreed with what my mother did, but he died a long time before she did. I fully believe living well is the best revenge.

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  6. #5
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    Everyone seems to be enabling eachother. No, your mom should not do anything or chime in because they are divorced (I assume). Its not her problem.
    I would follow your mom's lead. Its not your problem. Unless she is physically abusing him, depriving him of food or poisoning him, i would wash your hands of their games. I get that dad is elderly, but this all started long before he was.

    I do think the car is problematic - but if you report her for elder abuse will anything be done if he agreed to it?

    Don't ask to order groceries -- just send him things without asking on occasion in the mail.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Just let it all go, its the best decision you will ever take believe me. I had a situation where dad used to pay for my sister's life insurance policies, her shopping etc although she used to earn a lot and i used to ask him why, he sometimes never replied or just gave me vague reasons but i felt it was his wish ultimately and left it at that. Instead i concentrated on being self reliant myself worked up to be independent got a house and place for me, didn't add to the burden of him paying for me, took care of his credit card dues and other things when he passed away. I did tell my sister about all the things he did for her when she should have spend for her and she felt bad about it. She spends a lot for mom and her cousins, she calls them up asks them what they want, puts lot of effort without being asked to, lot of things have changed.

    What i would suggest is , you get into a positive space in your life then all these things wont matter, being grateful , understanding, letting go of things you have no control of will give you a peaceful life.But do talk about how you feel to dad and your siblings, its up to them to act on it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your father could leave her 100% if he saw fit or donate everything to a charity or a dog. As long as the attorney who drew up the will and his doctors declared him mentally competent.You have no standing in what his will states. So what ever your sister does or your father does or your mother does is all up to them. Legally you have no recourse except to contest the will after he dies. However you'll waste a lot of time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    The best think you can do is drop the green goblin of jealousy and simply keep your eye out for your dad's best interest as much as you can. Your sister knows you are watching so things could have been worse. I say yes be grateful that your sister is there to help him out, even tho she's not the greatest at it. I think giving positive reinforcement to her would go a long way in improving your relationship with her.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Looking from a neutral perspective, you are the successful kid, the achiever, the one who has a lucrative career, who was able to move away and stand on her own two feet. Your sister is not like you. She is weaker, she is living on a teacher's salary which is a joke. If you put yourself in parents' shoes rationally, you'll realize that parents will help the weak child survive. You don't need their help. This has nothing to do with love, but practical realities of life and being a parent. If you have two kids and one falls and cuts his leg open, you aren't going to run to check on the one who is standing fine, you'll run to the one who is bleeding. It's really that simple and it doesn't mean that you love the child who is standing safe and sound less.

    The other practical reality is that yes, your sister is there to help the parents and you are not. Whether she is good or bad at it, she is there. Your hatred and jealousy for your sister is palpable and so extreme it's kind of hard to judge whether she is really that bad or it's mostly in your head, your perceptions twisted by your hate. If you care so much about your dad and are so worried he isn't getting the care that he needs, why not move him to live with you and you care for him instead of shouting from far away? Walk the talk.

    Overall, neither of you is entitled to any inheritance whatsoever and your parents can do with what they have as they please. I'll repeat - you are not entitled to a single penny. Yet you seem to have twisted this also into some kind of competition with your sister, some proof of whether your dad loves you or not. Honestly, you should explore your life long, childhood issues that have now become adult issues poisoning your life with a good psychiatrist and learn how to get your head on straight. It can't be healthy to live with this much hatred.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    My advice is to never fight friends/family over money. The stress it causes, is just not worth it. IMO. Make your own money and you won't need anyone else's.

    Stop comparing yourself to your sister. Enjoy your parents while you have them. Get used to the idea that maybe you'll get less or decide you don't care and you'll donate whatever you get anyway.

    At the end of the day, its your parents money to do what they wish. If your sister screws you over, then cut her out of your life. And if she wonders why, you tell her, you screwed me, I'm done.

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