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Is there a change to get my ex back or rekindle?


Basicboybria

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So me and my ex (we're both mid 20's in age) split after a 11 month relationship. She ended it as I lost my respect for myself which caused her to lose respect for me. After multiple attempts and hints that I should stop putting her on a pedal stool and reconnect with my friends (which I didn't follow through with for either) she told me that she had enough and although she loved me, she needed no stress in her life (caused by the relationship becoming negative as I didn't respect myself, put her on a pedal stool and asked reassurance - basically I was no longer the man she dated).

 

I told her I can change but she told me that "the door of our relationship isn't completely shut, that there's a part of me that wants to be convinced we should give it another go, but I can't deal with the stress of waiting for you change as you have said multiple times before that you would but never did. So I need to leave here knowing I don't have to stress anymore."

 

It's been a couple days since the break up. I've understood where I went wrong and accepted the fact that the ending of the relationship was due to my actions throughout our time together (always available, not respecting myself, needing assurance and putting her on a pedal stool).

 

I know I need to focus on myself, work on myself and find the man I once was before/during first few months with her, after all, he was there so it's not like he is just a fantasy.

 

Strange thing is that she reached out that evening after break up (which was a peaceful and happy crying break up followed by sex an hour later). Just asking how my evening was? I replied next day basically just saying it was good. She then replied saying how am I doing. I replied saying I'm doing well , what about her, and she then told me that her minds all over the place.

 

Is she fishing for my emotional support?

 

Is she testing me?

 

Or is she already maybe having doubts?

 

She knew that I'd know that she wouldn't be 100% okay, I mean who is 100% after ending a loving relationship anyway.

 

She's the kindest soul, never spoke behind anyone's back once in all the 10 months I've known her so she's not a game player.

 

BTW I'm her first love. They always say you never forget your first love...

 

Any thoughts, experiences or advice is welcome!

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Sorry about all this.

 

People do break up and get back together, sometimes successfully, most often jaggedly and temporarily, so of course it's possible. But I don't think anyone can really tell you if there's a chance. Time, ultimately, has the answer to that question.

 

And so the question becomes: How to spend that time? How to use it? How to respect it? What I'd say is that if you spend it in little back-and-forths like you've described, and obsessing about whether those back-and-forths are the seeds to rekindling, that you are increasing your odds of (a) not getting back together and/or (b) ensuring that if you do get back together it won't be a healthy or sustainable relationship 2.0.

 

She's confused, you're confused. She's hurting, you're hurting. That's all humans in the wake of a breakup, regardless of the situation, and it's base level human nature to seek out the other person ("Hey, wanted to see how you're doing?" etc.) to soothe and soften that hurt and confusion. That's all that is. Not a test, not a display of doubts, but just a human being flailing a bit. No one likes to hurt another person, so if you tell her you're doing okay she can feel a little better with her choice.

 

So, my advice? Gracefully let her know you're going to be taking time to heal, moving forward. Respect the hardest facts here: that she does not want to be with you right now, that she has told you this clear as day, and that you've got some self-work to do to be the man you want to be inside a committed relationship, be it with her or someone else. You're not going to become that man in 72 hours—more like six months, a year—and the hardest part of all is accepting that you might not get to be that man with her. That has to be okay. Only way to grow is let go, fully, and trust that time knows your rewards for growth more than you.

 

Sounds hard, I know, but you're here right now, in part, because you made her the sun around which you orbit. You've got become your own star. Whatever that means for you two in the future, it's needed for you, and not something you can do if you're measuring stick for self-worth is her, you know?

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I think you should start by working on yourself, and you need to understand why you made this woman your entire world. Not healthy. This will take time.

 

You did put her on a pedestal (not petal stool), due to your self esteem issues, and this will impact every aspect of your life if you do not deal with you first.

 

It is time that you wish her the best, and tell her you need to go complete no contact for you to work on you. You should not be giving her the benefit of a boyfriend, without any commitment. Do not let her string you along and use you as her therapist and ego boost, until she finds someone else, or she will respect you even less. If you want to show her that you are putting yourself first, them go complete no contact . You need to tell her that she cannot reach out unless she wants full reconciliation.

 

Reconnect with friends virtually until this whole virus mess is over. Time to get the old you back.

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I think you're both totally right. I've not replied to her message about her being all over the place. She probably expected me to soothe things for her but I'm not being her tissue box.

 

I have a few questions for you and your opinions:

 

1. Why, for pretty much our final words together, both come out and agree that this break up feels that it isn't the end for us? And to meet up in a couple of weeks. (For my part anyway, I didn't say this from a pleading needy place, as I accepted the end of the relationship, but from a place that I believed we would, like just a feeling, fate.

 

2. She's a stubborn girl, who has said herself that she's struggled with stubbornness and reaching out to people for a fear of rejection. So why would she ever reach out to me? She's a serious guilty sufferer type.

 

3. To reply to you Hollyj, when you said "you need to tell her that she cannot reach out unless she wants full reconciliation", I know this is for the right intentions for personal growth, but could this be seen as a "desperate last attempt to get her/a threat"? As when the break up chat started, I told her that if we broke up then she would have to face not being able to hear from me again (I didn't mean it as manipulation or a threat, but from how I would want to handle the break up), but she replied saying that I shouldn't say threats like that. She doesn't handle threats well, even things that she is misinterpreting as a threat...

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You are risking setting yourself to be her friend and to hold her hand while she weans herself slowly from you.

When someone decides to end a relationship it isn't a crime or a form of manipulation to say you need some space and that space may very well mean not speaking to each other.

 

Even those who choose to leave a relationship second guess themselves and grieve. It doesn't mean they will change their mind to return.

 

If the very thing she wants from you is to be less selfless, she'd likely respect you if you told her you needed to take care of yourself and if by not communicating is a way to grow, then that's what you do. Her inferring that it's a threat is being manipulative on her part. And it worked. It stopped you from doing what you felt you needed to in order to feel better about this.

 

You don't do it as a threat and she can't control the terms of the breakup anyway. You two are no longer a team.

 

Being available to her is just more of the same. You are putting her comfort above your own.

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I'll start with your questions.

 

1. I think a lot, if not most, people feel this way when a relationship is ending: that it isn't really the end, in short. Understandable. All the history, to say nothing of all the feelings, which don't vanish with the end of the relationship—it's a lot to process. Think of the end of an amazing vacation. "I'll be back for sure," you always say, and you always mean it—in the moment. Then time happens, and you often find yourself drawn to new destinations more than heading back. Speaking for myself: I'm 40, have been in 4 long term relationships in my life, and with the exception of one, I didn't believe we were "over over" when we broke up. Got back together with one for a bit, but the others? We were over. We just hadn't processed the full weight of it. Takes time.

 

2. It's really not worth analyzing. I say it a lot on this site, but the best way to understand it is she reached out to you for the same reason I ate a piece of candy two hours ago. She felt like it. It's simply not as loaded as you want it to be. She's a person, with feelings, and for whatever reason she felt, for a moment, that reaching out was a good idea. So she did it. Doesn't move the needle one way or another, but just creates static.

 

3. Not answering for Holly, but: It's only desperate or a threat if you don't mean it. When my last relationship ended? There was some static afterward, as there always is, and I let her know, clearly and kindly, that the only communication I was up for was that of getting back together. That was, for a time, my truth. And I stuck to it, ignoring some pokes from her, respecting myself and respecting that she had ears that heard my truth. During the turbulent moment you're in right now? I was glad to have put that out there, firmly, so I didn't get blown around too much by my own feelings and by wracking my brain to analyze messages from her that fell short of wanting to get back together.

 

These early days are so hard. Time moves in a weird way, everything is loaded. That's the head and heart—the spirit—adjusting, kind of how eyes take moment to adjust when going from a dark room into the light, or vise versa. Try to accept that, much as you can, without thinking it always needs a reaction. You're not playing chess right now, but just feeling some very hard feelings. It's feeling them, and feeling your way through them, that will provide more stability than reacting to them.

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Both of you are insecure and unstable. You are the one who should take action and tell her: "With all due respect, it's time to go our separate ways." Both of you need permanent time and space to figure yourselves out and become normal. If she's relentless and doesn't take you seriously, ignore, ghost, block and delete. Then both of you can heal without distractions.

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I think you're both totally right. I've not replied to her message about her being all over the place. She probably expected me to soothe things for her but I'm not being her tissue box.

 

I have a few questions for you and your opinions:

 

1. Why, for pretty much our final words together, both come out and agree that this break up feels that it isn't the end for us? And to meet up in a couple of weeks. (For my part anyway, I didn't say this from a pleading needy place, as I accepted the end of the relationship, but from a place that I believed we would, like just a feeling, fate.

 

2. She's a stubborn girl, who has said herself that she's struggled with stubbornness and reaching out to people for a fear of rejection. So why would she ever reach out to me? She's a serious guilty sufferer type.

 

3. To reply to you Hollyj, when you said "you need to tell her that she cannot reach out unless she wants full reconciliation", I know this is for the right intentions for personal growth, but could this be seen as a "desperate last attempt to get her/a threat"? As when the break up chat started, I told her that if we broke up then she would have to face not being able to hear from me again (I didn't mean it as manipulation or a threat, but from how I would want to handle the break up), but she replied saying that I shouldn't say threats like that. She doesn't handle threats well, even things that she is misinterpreting as a threat...

 

Not at all. I think it comes from a place of strength, so that she cannot mess you about. Put yourself first!

 

Most dumpers say there is a possibility of a future, it is a string along; otherwise, you would not continue hanging on.

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You two have gotten used to each other and the daily contact. It's strange to totally go no contact so abruptly. To me, that's what those little messages are about. It's slowly weaning away, putting baby oil on the Bandaid and slowly peeling away, instead of ripping it off.

 

IMO, if you'd really cared, you would've heeded her requests and made the reasonable behavior changes she asked for DURING the relationship. On her part, she lost her infatuation for you when nothing changed, and when a woman is done, she's done. She knew that breaking up could most likely mean forever, and she was okay with that. The fact that she messages could also be all about her, and the ego boost that she has a fan in you, even though she has pulled the plug on the romance.

 

What you do, as in going no contact unless she contacts you to reconcile, is for your own benefit, and you shouldn't be guessing how she will feel about it or what she thinks of that decision. Basically, she's in your past now, so what she thinks is irrelevant, although it will take you some time to embrace that idea.

 

You might find that with time and distance, that you really didn't care as much as you thought you did, and just needed the space to realize it.

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If she offers a meet up, would you recommended I ignore or say no? I've had mixed replies from my friends. What would I gain in turning that down?

 

That could be her wanting to reconcile. She's not the type of girl to ever talk about serious stuff over texting, and never liked doing it over the phone.

 

What I've learned from her from general chat in the past, she's not the type to plead for chances even if she wants another chance, she's never been the best when it comes to her communicating what she wants - HECK, she even told me a couple weeks ago that she sucks at communicating what she feels and instead let's her mind runaway with stuff, and that she understands it must be hard for me to cope with that at times.

 

I was just speaking to a friend where they broke up, but both parties spoke to each other now and again after the break up. They got together 3 weeks later, and they're 2 years strong now, and must admit they come across much happier than they were when they were previously together.

 

So I guess there is success for some

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If she offers a meet up, would you recommended I ignore or say no? I've had mixed replies from my friends. What would I gain in turning that down?

 

That could be her wanting to reconcile. She's not the type of girl to ever talk about serious stuff over texting, and never liked doing it over the phone.

 

What I've learned from her from general chat in the past, she's not the type to plead for chances even if she wants another chance, she's never been the best when it comes to her communicating what she wants - HECK, she even told me a couple weeks ago that she sucks at communicating what she feels and instead let's her mind runaway with stuff, and that she understands it must be hard for me to cope with that at times.

 

I was just speaking to a friend where they broke up, but both parties spoke to each other now and again after the break up. They got together 3 weeks later, and they're 2 years strong now, and must admit they come across much happier than they were when they were previously together.

 

So I guess there is success for some

Anything is possible if BOTH people are working together to the same end.

 

If you want someone back, it makes no sense to ignore them. That's just more games and didn't get you any closer to reconciling.

 

I think it comes down to asking questions. Why do they want to meet? Easy enough question.

 

So many times we think we dont have any power but if they contacted us, we certainly do. We just settle for whatever they offer because we care. But I think that is a common mistake.

 

Its like any other negotiation... they came to you because they want something.... what do you want?

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Sorry I've just seen these last two posts.

 

I was working from home and was having a 20 minute break and you know what? I had the urge to call her. So I did.

 

I felt confident, happy, and secure so I dialed her number and she answered.

 

She was surprised that I've not initiated a text once, which led her to be surprised that I called her as she believed I was in the process of pushing her out of my life, which the thought of saddened her. Her best girl mate she's not seen for weeks is visiting to cheer her up but still she decided to answer my call rather than spend that time with her.

 

She asked how I was doing and was surprised but sad when I said that I've been handling things really well, feeling good and doing my own thing and focusing on myself and my happiness. She then told me that she's been thinking of me everyday and has been missing me a lot.

 

I had some banter with her telling her that of course she misses me as I'm a catch which made her laugh.

 

I'm thinking of returning to my uncles next week up north due to Covid-19 (neither of us or family have it so don't worry).

So I mentioned this and that we should see each other again before I go and have some fun as she may not see me again simply as I may not be back for at least a month/months. (She said she thought by fun I meant sex, which isn't what I meant). I never told her why but that we should meet up, talk and have a laugh. Her reply was that she wasn't sure if she's ready, that she needs a couple of weeks before being able to talk but she'd let me know before next week. I told her to do what feels right. I wished her well then said goodbye.

 

On that call, I sounded confident, attractive and a leader, and that's because I felt it on the call, feel it now still.

 

I went in thinking she wouldn't answer so I was surprised that answered, and very surprised by some of the things she said above. While laughing at my joke and sounding positive at the start, I could hear the sadness in her as she continued to talk.

 

I feel I've done what I can. Going up to my uncles will be great space for me and my development so it's a win win if she wants to see me before or not.

 

I told some friends, they think that if she wasn't having doubts before the call, by the way she said things during it, she could start to have some. - PLEASE note this isn't my intention at all, and I didn't even think I sowed the seeds of doubt until my friends said that could be something that's now happening.

 

One very surprised man right now.

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I don't think I have proved everything she's thinking, especially when she's told me herself that she's surprised, that I've done certain things. I've told partners that I've ended things with that I've been surprised if their actions or words post break have indeed surprised me. Some people are honest. She was more surprised that I haven't blown up her phone or begged for her back once since the break up - which was something she was expecting of me.

 

I do respect how honest she has been with me, I think it's easy to believe that someone would lie, as then it's easy to get angry at them.

 

I think people can have doubts about something but not be ready to change what they've done. I for one have had doubts about different things I've done in my life, doesn't mean I've always acted on changing what I did.

 

She said she'd need a couple of weeks before she see me in person, by then I might have moved on...

 

I do respect everything you've said though Holly as we can only speak from our experiences so thank you for you words so far

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No one changes in a couple of days, and the fact that you broke down and reached out, proves it. If you hadn't of spoken to her in 3-6 months, then I would say maybe. I'm sorry, but you are fooling yourself.

 

You will not have moved on in a couple of weeks. it will take some time. Please do yourself a huge favor and do not meet up with her, you are going to cause yourself unnecessary pain- speaking from experience.

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When I decided to call, it wasn't as I broke down. I wasn't upset, checking or social media or even actually thinking about her. I was working from home and just decided to have a break and pick up the phone and call her, it was almost like habit. I was feeling happy.

 

Yeah I think you're right, if that invitation to meet up does appear then I will decline unless she is clear as in why, and if she is clear then I will have to think if it's for my best interest, if I think I won't be able to handle it, that I've not learned anything or continued my path to finding my real self again then I will happily decline it.

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Latest update. She didn't call me back but just messaged me asking how my latest deadline went as I briefly mentioned it on the phone to her earlier when I called.

 

That's not the first time she's messaged to ask something about me. She seems happy to talk, I don't think it's a case that she's having her cake and eating it to. Just as she admitted herself that she'd push me away if she ever felt like using me as a tissue box or a teddy bear. It's great to see she does care a lot still.

 

I'll leave her message. If she wants me back, she has to work harder for it, as I'm working hard on myself anyway.

 

But for general conversation, do ex's considering/wanting reconciliation even say stuff like "HEY I WANT YOU BACK I STILL LOVE YOU LET'S GIVE THIS ANOTHER TRY"? For a lot of people I know, my ex as well, this is too strong of a statement to say, not to mention putting them in a vulnerable position and potentially ego shattering if rejected. Our

 

I see a lot of people on sites like these (not everyone) give advice that they need to wait until the ex comes out and say stuff like that out of the blue, but you wouldn't ask someone to be your bf/gf without warning them up first and making sure you guys are at a good stage in trust.

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There is not a lot of motivation to reconcile if she has easy access to you at a reduced capacity.

 

I've ended relationships before and I'll give you an insight of what was going on for me during this exact same point she is at.

 

When considering ending a relationship, it isn't done impulsively. It takes weeks of wrestling with your conscious and weighing the benefits and consequences. When you do get to that point, despite all the arguments you have in your head otherwise, you are pretty much done. You have leg up on your partner, because during the time of consideration you are already emotionally detaching.

 

Even though you are certain of your decision, you still second guess yourself. After all no one is all bad and neither was the relationship.

You grieve the ending and you miss the good parts. But remember, there was enough of reason to end it to begin with. Being nostalgic doesn't make you run back. Not when you get to this point.

 

You face the void of your own doing. You miss the idea of the relationship and spend time readjusting the view of what your future now looks like. There is an unknown that can be scary. But your decision was firm enough you are willing to risk losing it all.

 

It's great if you have easy access to your ex. After all he's not all bad. He's available and he's made it clear that you can run back at any time. You might never take advantage of that, but it somehow makes your difficult decision a little easier. It creates this safety net for you while you learn to get your balance back after making that break.

 

Sooo. . .having said all that. . .If this fair to one you are leaving behind? You are basically using them to make your transition easier. But yet, they suffer a lot of the same but the ultimate blow, they feel abandoned and not good enough. And now by your constant contact there is repeated disappointments. As if the break wasn't bad enough. . .

 

This is where you respectfully tell her that you love her, you feel bad that she had reasons enough to leave, but for now you are on your own to take care of yourself. If anything changes in the meantime, to please let you know. But to break up means you are no longer a team and if this is came about because she felt you needed to learn to be independent, you can't begin to do so while still being available to her on her terms.

 

She isn't going to like it. And from you've shared, she'll guilt you otherwise. But that's just her being selfish.

This is the best path to your own well being and if so be it . . the first step to make some changes that will benefit your next relationship, whether it's with her or someone else.

 

I've seen this happen over and over. Two newly separated couples still try to play nice and misunderstandings and expectations make things murky. Things then turn ugly and then there is regret and no turning back.

Leave on high note.

 

. . personally. . if I break up with someone I do not contact them at all, no matter how difficult it may be. I don't check on them or guilt them into being available to me. I consider it self serving. I've left relationships that hurt way more then being the one left behind. But it was my decision, I had to stand behind it.

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This is where you respectfully tell her that you love her, you feel bad that she had reasons enough to leave, but for now you are on your own to take care of yourself. If anything changes in the meantime, to please let you know. But to break up means you are no longer a team and if this is came about because she felt you needed to learn to be independent, you can't begin to do so while still being available to her on her terms.

 

She isn't going to like it. And from you've shared, she'll guilt you otherwise. But that's just her being selfish.

This is the best path to your own well being and if so be it . . the first step to make some changes that will benefit your next relationship, whether it's with her or someone else.

 

Thank you for this, it really spoke to me. I think that it is time to focus on me fully for no other gain but my own development.

 

Your advice as inspired me and I've wrote something down, a long the lines of that I love her and will always respect what we had, that I feel bad for what caused the break up but that I understand why, and if things change then we can talk, and until then take care.

 

There's still a part of me thats scared to send this to her (will either call her and say it or just voice note it), but I think the fear is of losing her and hurting her, and even though she is genuine and cares and loves me still, us being in this current state of open contact so close after a break up isn't healthy for either of us.

 

Do I want her to resent me? NO

 

Do I want us to be together? YES

 

Have I blinded myself by doing the easier things since the break up because I fear losing her? YES

 

Do I need to be a better man than I am right now, for myself? YES YES YES

 

Do I believe we will cross paths again? YES. I really do believe this isn't the end for us, and I think that has played a part in why I think I'm ready to let go now.

 

If we are meant to be together then we will be. Love conquers all. She's the best partner I've had, and I'll always respect her and what we had together. It's just not our time yet.

 

Time to accept. Time to grow.

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My ex and I had broken up, and he did in fact make efforts to let me know he wanted me back. He called to ask me to come watch a movie with him and told me missed me and wanted to see me. He saw me at events and made a point to come talk to me and ask me how I was doing, and he let me know he wasn't happy about us being apart.

 

So yes, if someone wants you back they most certainly can let you know clearly.

 

She might want you back, or she might be relieved that someone doesn't hate her, or she might just want someone to talk to during the mandatory shut down. Who knows. Time will tell.

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My ex and I had broken up, and he did in fact make efforts to let me know he wanted me back. He called to ask me to come watch a movie with him and told me missed me and wanted to see me. He saw me at events and made a point to come talk to me and ask me how I was doing, and he let me know he wasn't happy about us being apart.

 

So yes, if someone wants you back they most certainly can let you know clearly.

 

She might want you back, or she might be relieved that someone doesn't hate her, or she might just want someone to talk to during the mandatory shut down. Who knows. Time will tell.

 

Hi boltnrun, it's lovely to hear that he did make an effort with you.

 

Over how long a period was this after your break up, and did you two get back together?

 

When you guys broke up, did either of you say anything, like that you needed space, reach out if they want to work on things and stuff like that?

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We are not together. Thankfully, because he was a nightmare and I should never have had a relationship with him to begin with.

 

I didn't tell you that story to give you false hope but to address the opinion you had that people who want to get back together don't ever say so. They do say so if they want to. They will let you know.

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