Devastated

Hey all,

I hope you’re all doing good and staying safe and sane.I just wanted to vent and see if anyone has got advice for me and my current situation.

I’m desperate, after being in a 3 year old LDR with a man that seemed to be perfect for me and the nicest, kindest, always very supportive man, even though I was distant and indifferent towards him sometimes. Whenever there were argument he’d beg me to come back and overall he seemed very compromised with me and my son (I was married for 18 years before and have 2 kids).

During these years he said he would take care of me and my son, and that we would get married. He was always very sentimental and takes thing too personal, I’m more on the cold sides (or was) and that’s always being a problem for him.

We got married June 2019, it was a dream wedding, and dying a two month long honeymoon there was very few intimate and physical connection at all.

We only lasted for 7 months after the wedding.

It hurts because I left my city, my lifelong job, my house, my dog, friends, and everything I’ve ever known looking for a better life and the extraordinary future he promised for so many years.

During this time we argued too much, he didn’t agree with the way I was raising my son, and would constantly try to discipline him which was a constant problem. The first months were like that, I gave my all to change and to accommodate myself and be a fit for him and I know he did too.

Then the holidays came and we were apart for a month because I said I wanted to go back home for Christmas with my kids, while he wanted to attend his brothers wedding and ended up going by himself.

During this time we barely talked and he was clearly upset at me, when he was back from the trip he was hurt and mad at me.

When the holiday brake was over I stayed at my hometown because my brother had to go through heart surgery so I stayed.

My son went back with him as he had to go back to school, I was back after a month of not seeing him and we had a very bad discussion one night, I packed my stuff, took my son and left.

He’s been taking care of my living expenses, also borrowed me a car. He’s taking care of me and my son financially.

During these 4 month that I’ve been on my own I’ve tried a thousand ways to come to terms and fix whatever we have left, he says that the best thing is for me to go back to my hometown. He doesn’t want to rescue what we had, and that hurts me too much, he’s clearly in pain too and doesn’t know how to deal with his own emotions.

I don’t know if I should keep in contact with him, it destroys me to know about him and to talk to him.

We both have very strong personalities and want to have things our way, that was the root of many of our problems, he wasn’t accepting of my point of view either. And blames me for leaving and ending it all, I also used to always apologize for my mistakes and he never did the same for me.

I never felt comfortable living with him and the environment was never enjoyable, that’s why I left, I couldn’t take it no more.

I always felt like I was walking on eggshells.

I’m devastated, I feel lost, depressed, and heartbroken, specially here not knowing anybody and having my friends and family away, also during this quarantine has been so hard.

It hurts that so many years of hope are just washed away, he won’t forget and forgive that I left his home, I don’t know what to do. And I’m 20 days away from going back home and he’s not doing anything for me to stay but he is STILL giving my false hope that maybe we can make it work.

I’m stuck here, I want to leave but I love him and want to stay and try again, but we both know it’ll be an endless cycle (specially him).

He’s proposing to take some time apart to see what we both really want, I’m hoping time apart will mend this, and he is is hoping that as well.

I really don’t know what to do or how to feel right now.

Thank you for reading.

How much time had you two spent together in person before getting married?

It sounds like after you closed the distance, you discovered that you're actually not that compatible at all. Neither of you sounds very happy with the other and it might be better to get a divorce and go on your separate ways. If he doesn't want to work on it, you don't have much other choice, I'm afraid. You can't make it work by yourself.

Why was the relationship long distance? How much time did you actually spend together in person in that three years? Maybe you didn't truly know each other?

Hello there and welcome! I agree with the other poster. It sounds like three years was a long time and maybe enough to get to know each other, if only it had not been a LDR. That really would have made everything seem perfect because we tend to overlook any issues, it’s so romantic after all. Unfortunately, you may have not really known each other very well.

If you really want to save this marriage a lot of the work is going to fall on you. You will have to be the one that gives more sacrifice and changes to keep this marriage. Are you willing to do that? Is he a wonderful man that is devoted to you?

You are not 20 days from going home?

Nowhere in the world is allowing travel.

Although you can travel to move address? But you will have to have firm evidence of that?

I’m sorry but I find it hard to muster up empathy? You uprooted not only your own life but the lives of your kids for a man you didn’t really know?

It’s not necessarily his fault , or yours.

You just simply can’t get to know another long distance.

Daily life with someone is entirely different to FaceTiming when on best behaviour, or messages without impulse?

I suggest you find somewhere local to live , don’t uproot your kids again and wait out this covid business.

Reach out to family and friends online like the rest of the world is doing right now. ???

You made a mistake. Own it.

You can’t blame him for your own willing actions.

Best of luck!!

How much time did you spend together before getting married?

First of all, thank you for your answer

I am aware of that, I’m just in a constant fight between what I know it’s right and what I’m feeling.

We started talking since 2012, but officially getting serious in 2015-2016, during this time we did see each other for a couple of times, approximately during all these years we got together probably about 20 times during weekend visits or short trips.

It seemed like we did know each other, we got along fairly well during the long distance years, had lots of things in common and he was very accepting of my kids and that was the most important thing for me, it all changed when we got married.

Thank you Billie!

Whenever I knew I was getting married I asked for a work permit that allowed me to be away for a year non-paid, unfortunately I have to go back or I’ll lose my job.

In my country it’s still allowed to travel by car, so I will be driving taking all precautions needed. I won’t be interacting with people other than for necessary and urgent stuff. I also won’t be having a place to live when my son is done with school here. I am aware and very worried about the current situation. Hopefully it can be over soon, thank you!

Sorry this is happening How far apart were you? Are your from different countries or cultures? Where is your children's father? It sounds like you are homesick, isolated and regret your decision. Agree the best thing would be to enlist the help of friends and family and return to your hometown.

I was married for 18 years before and have 2 kids.

 

I left my city, my lifelong job, my house, my dog, friends, and everything I’ve ever known looking for a better life and the extraordinary future he promised for so many years.

 

He’s been taking care of my living expenses, also borrowed me a car. He’s taking care of me and my son financially.

 

he says that the best thing is for me to go back to my hometown.

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