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Thread: Confusing friendship with guy friend, any advice?

  1. #1

    Confusing friendship with guy friend, any advice?

    So 2 1/2 years ago, this guy followed me on Instagram, he sent me a DM (direct message) and we talked every single day for that whole year. Heís my age, and now heís one of my guy friends. He lives in Philadelphia, i live in California. We would talk on the phone, text every day, facetime a lot. Like genuinely built a good connection, we were like best friends. That following summer, he confessed to me over facetime and he said that he has feelings for me. I said, the feelings are mutual. But his family is very strict and religious so he said that he didnít want to make it more than friendship because his family does arranged marriages. We both have a mature mindsets and he told me that he seeís a future with me. So after that, things were back to normal you know, it wasnít awkward. But then some drama with his ex happened and she found out that he confessed to me. Even though they broke up ages ago (but still had little feelings left). After that whole drama, it was still fine between us, i wasnít a part of the drama. But our texting became less slowly, our communication slowly decreased. But anytime either one of us would hit each other up, it would still be the same. Just, calling every night and texting often became, less and less. I noticed that we would walk only if i were to initiate conversation. So i stopped initiating conversation, and we barely talked for a month and a half. Then fast forward to February 2020, my mom passed away from lung cancer. So i messaged everyone of my friends asking them to pray for her. Then he started to text me more, when i didnít pick up, he would call my friends to check up on me. I cried to him about everything. Genuinely he is a good friend of mine. Then I didnít talk to him because again i noticed that we would only talk if i initiated conversation. He messaged me and was like ďyou donít hit me up anymore. You know i suck at textingĒ etc. So i felt bad, because he truly is always there for me when i have struggles, but he never starts conversation and at times it feels one sided. So then i start to initiate conversation next week or two, i even complimented him once and he just opened my message. So Iím gonna stop initiating conversation. But he makes me feel guilty every time i stop. But i believe that if you want to talk to someone, you will. Friendship shouldnít be one sided. But thats the struggle iíve been having with him. I want to maintain our friendship because I appreciate him as a friend, and he does show his care. But he doesnít reach out and it feels one sided. Everytime i do text him, he replies instantly and facetimes me. Its just weird i donít know.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Please break your wall of text up into paragraphs.

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    What happened to the paragraphs?

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    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I can identify with this guy. At the risk of being crucified here, I am not the best ďkeeper in toucherĒ and if you are not willing to be the person who initiates, we probably wonít be friends. I have a very tight circle of people Iím in touch with on the regular. I can think of four, and that bumps up to five if Iím dating somebody.

    With the rest of my friends itís a once every month or two check in at best, and 7 out of 10 times (or more,) the other person is initiating contact.

    I can say Iíve never put a guilt trip on anybody for fading, though. Thatís kinda lame. And for what itís worth I totally see your point of view and understand your need for equanimity. Iíve enjoyed my time together with lots of friends but couldnít blame them when they stopped reaching out because I wasnít reaching out.

    From my point of view this is just the way he is and youíre going to have to decide if what he offers you in friendship outweighs the fact that heís never going to be the ďkeeper in toucher.Ē

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Let's get clear on one thing here. You don't see him as a merely friend. A friend would give someone space without the expectations you have of him. It's ok, just admit it.

    His girlfriend showing up in mix at 2 plus years is seriously suspect. His decline in communication support a theory that she's always been in the picture to one degree or another.

    Unless I am reading this wrong, the communication seemed equitable and at some point there was a shift and the effort to stay in touch seems to be on your plate. Did this shift happen just about the time the ex expressed her dislike?

    Anyway. . . you two are on different coasts. Let's be honest. If he were just your friend you'd be celebrating any relationship he was in and you'd respectfully give him the space to explore that.

    Have you ever met this guy and what is your long term plan for yourself and the expectation of this friendship?

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    I don't think this a true friendship, OP.

    He might have been attracted to you, but his ex in the mix was your first sign of trouble. My assumption is that he's always been closer to her than he let on and perhaps they're not really even exes. If she were a random ex who meant nothing, she, A) wouldn't have been close enough to him anymore to even know he was chatting up another woman, and B) wouldn't have cared, and C) he wouldn't have cared what she thought. The fact there was "drama" about it means they are still wrapped up in each other.

    It doesn't matter if he whines that you never hit him up. He's not exactly doing much to support the friendship so I wouldn't feel at all guilty when he pulls that nonsense. It sounds like he enjoys your attention when it's convenient for him but he's otherwise not that interested in keeping this afloat. I would let this one fizzle and not reach out to him anymore. There's no point, really. He's too far away, too involved with his ex, has already told you his family is conservative and religious - you're not going to get much out of him.

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    Platinum Member Mun's Avatar
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    Hello there! First I want to say Iím so sorry about your mom. I hope you are doing ok. One day at a time.
    Second I hope that you are still dating and meeting men closer to home. A LD friend is good and safe, but not that practical. I know, Iíve had one for years, I know how sweet it is and also can get you in trouble. It sounds like your friend wants to stay in your life, but he wants you to come to him. Thatís alright, but you gotta live your own life....No matter what he says, and you are right friendship is a two way street. He needs to do his part if he wants you in his life. Do your thing and donít mind him. He is just a friend. He needs to be a better one :)

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The edit window is 30 min.
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Please break your wall of text up into paragraphs.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you seem to think this is more than friendship, even though he is taken, will be married soon and you have never met. Try to distance yourself and start chatting with local available men for romance. He is just a pen-pal.
    Originally Posted by hayhay123
    his family is very strict and religious so he said that he didnít want to make it more than friendship because his family does arranged marriages.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hayhay123
    I want to maintain our friendship because I appreciate him as a friend, and he does show his care. But he doesnít reach out and it feels one sided. Everytime i do text him, he replies instantly and facetimes me. Its just weird i donít know.
    Sometimes that happens with friendships.

    He probably feels a little guilty about his recent distancing and is turning it around on you to make himself feel better.

    It's not uncommon for people to do that. It doesn't make them bad people or even bad friends. But it does make them a bit "fair weather."

    People's needs change, and they drift apart even when there is genuine regard and affection on both sides.

    I think you're handling it correctly by not chasing.

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