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Thread: Emotionally charged weekend

  1. #1
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    Emotionally charged weekend

    Hi lovely people!

    I would appreciate your insight as you are very helpful! This is about to get very real for me as I don't like to talk about feelings. Please read everything before replying.


    I've been very calm in the last few weeks (I usually am), but parts of this weekend have been emotionally charged. As per usual, it has to do with a guy.

    Not long ago, pre pandemic, a guy I know asked for my number to do something. I didn't think much of it, so I blew chances by replying "Sure, we should all hang out." We were hanging out at our mutual friends' house. I've met him a few times before in previous years whenever our friend visits who lives in a different city. The guy in question is pretty respectful, upstanding type.

    Anyhow, I forgot about it until this pandemic hit us. I realised that in hindsight I might have missed an opportunity as when we were hanging out that day he was interacting with me quite a bit. So I got his number from our friend and texted the guy. This is during self-isolation.

    We were texting back and forth throughout the week, him always with well thought-out brief replies as well as some haha's thrown in the mix in sentences and keeping the conversation going. The highlight, so to speak, was when one day we were suddenly having a quick banter about him being an ace at something, me joking that he hadn't faced me yet and him then suggesting it's a deal. After that radio silence for a week. However, I am me so I texted him again. Suddenly the frequency increased, he was enthusiastic about showing me something he'd done. All seemed to be going well. But now, crickets! I get that we all have lives despite self-isolation. But it's been five days since he texted me back.

    [Not sure if this is relevant but last conversation went something like this:
    me: Do you like Tom Hanks?
    him: Yes, I like Tom Hanks. My dad is a huge fan
    me: Cool. Then I recommend you watch Catch Me If You Can. Tell me what you think of it.
    him (two days later): Awesome. I'll search for it
    me: It's on Netflix. Just wondering, what made you become an architect?
    him: Fantastic. I'll search for it
    him: (a couple of lines as to why he become an architect with a haha in the end)
    me: Lovely! (and a follow up question, but I know realize is quite similar to the original question I asked. To my defence I was nervous.)]


    What I acknowledge:
    - Generally when a guy is into you, in my experience, there's no guess work.
    - I usually don't rely on texting to gauge a man's interest. To be honest I prefer meeting someone in person rather than text.
    - I should have ended the conversation instead of forcing it to continue.
    - I'm scared to mess it up more, so I am not contacting him again.
    - I am certainly over-thinking this.
    - I may have misinterpreted his intentions big time.


    Now that I've written this I am calmer. Many thanks in advice for your wisdom, advice, etc! Please be brutally honest if need be.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's nice you reached put to him, but some people simply do not want text banter all the time. Let him reach out next time.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I think you are just overthinking, with all of this extra COVID time on your hands.

    At this early stage, there's no way of knowing whether you misinterpreted his intentions or not. And if you have misinterpreted them, it certainly isn't big time. He was texting back and forth with you, so he at least had a friendly interest.

    I agree with Wiseman. Some people just aren't that big on texting back and forth every day. Let him be the next one to reach out.

    Forcing the conversation to continue will just add to your anxiety, as you have already learned.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's hard to say but what's going on, but in any exchange it should be equitable. If you feel you are doing too much, then pull back and give him a chance to meet you half way. If he goes off the grid again, you have your answer.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    As for me, I only know that if I had a crush on someone and wanted to ask them out once it's safe to do so, I'd likely be contacting them at least once a day. I'll just guess that either he doesn't have a crush on you, or he met someone else pre-pandemic that you don't know about, and so he's investing his time and emotional energy into her.

    Even with the time period where the texts were more often, it doesn't sound like he did any flirting.

    Don't put any more effort than someone is giving. IMO, after you didn't hear from him for a week, you shouldn't have reached out again. It's always been my experience that when someone's into you, they will make that crystal clear.

  7. #6
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    Thanks Wiseman, Jibralta, reinventmyself and Andrina for your input!

    You guys are right! I am certainly over-thinking this. Plus, it's early stages and then covid is in the mix. And as you all suggested some people don't want to text all the time. To be honest, I have Zoom meetings with friends which I find much better than texting.

    In person he's really respectful, a good conversationalist and attractive (he takes good care of himself). So knowing that there might be an opportunity with a great person made me happy.

    As for flirting, unless it's evident (in your face direct) I'm not aware of it. Whilst we texted he was laughing at my jokes like "This is funny, haha." That reminds me when we hung out he asked me his opinion on something he designed. Ha - a long time ago someone was talking to me at a party and I did not realise he was flirting with me until someone else pointed it out, haha. Yeah, that's me.

    What I've also realised is:
    - Him not officially reading and acknowledging my message (I'm sure he's read it through the notification.) felt annoying, even though I am aware that in this context it's not a big thing, because I am direct. Basically, if someone's not ending the conversation I will be blunt and kindly tell them along the lines of I enjoy chatting with you but I'm not that big on texting or that we'll talk next time or something to that effect.
    - Why would anyone continuously chat to someone they disliked?
    - If I don't do anything, I have higher chances of not messing it up.
    Last edited by greendots; 04-20-2020 at 04:20 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I wouldn't worry, at all, about messing this up. Too little here, and too strange a time, for all that.

    In your shoes, feeling the edginess you feel right now, I'd just step back a bit, see if he reaches out for a more equitable exchange. If so, great. If not, just as great. In this current climate, I think expectations just need to be checked, meaning that if you guys are in touch here and there for the next few weeks, with some lags—well, that's kind of a fine thing, no? A bit like keeping the soil churned during the off seasons than it is planting seeds for a new crop, if that makes sense.

    I can only speak for myself, but even at my most thirsty I struggle with texting people at length or are not part of my core community. It can be fun, no doubt, and even sort of deep, but there is for me a lack of stickiness. It's kind of the first thing I'll let fall off the table, if that makes sense. And in this crazy moment? I'm finding that my bandwidth is smaller than usual, despite the isolation. I'm letting a lot of conversations fade in and out, and am accepting when even my closest friends go dark for a week. The idea of spending this time getting to know a new person—well, it would simply be very challenging.

  9. #8
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    Thanks bluecastle for your insight! You made some very interesting revelations that put me at ease. Like not having to worry about silence or messing this up due to what you stated and how at your most thirsty you struggle with texting people at length, more-so in this crazy moment.

    The current climate certainly makes getting to know someone very challenging. I am determined to step back a bit as you suggested and chill. I acknowledge that my expectations were starting to become unrealistic because of what we are facing. As Bob Dylan sung "the times they are a-changing".

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    hi Green

    You know he's interested. You've spent some group time together. And now youre getting to know each other individually, which is a great foundation... Just be cool and let him come to you next.

    You definitely want to keep things cool because at the very least you'll see each other in a group thing. And you want to be able to be on good terms, no weirdness.

    I'm the type of person, I am not endlessly texting with my friends and fam... I know all over the internet and tv, its all about how people are connecting virtually. Not me! I'm in my house. I'm fine. I don't need to talk or text all day.

    I'm reading, exercising, taking long baths, enjoying down time. I'm actually annoyed by some of my more extroverted friends with their end less texts. Nothing is happening!

    You don't want to be that needy puppy that just can't sit quietly and on your own. the best you can do is just keep in touch here and there. so that when you can go out, you will.

  11. #10
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    I think there's a difference between interest in chatting with someone and flirting on the one hand and interest in dating the person -meaning don't assume the latter just because the former. I agree with Lambert's approach!

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