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Thread: Going great one day, dumped by text at 3 am the next

  1. #1
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    Going great one day, dumped by text at 3 am the next

    My boyfriend and I had been dating about 1 1/2 years, first very casually then getting more serious starting last October. Things had been at their best ever, in March we took weekends out of town together. He just texted me one day saying "we didn't get to spend much time together this week so I'm making plans for us this weekend". He wouldn't let me help pay for the hotel or anything and we had an amazing time.

    He was the one to tell me he loved me first, about 4 months ago. He actually first told me he loved me after we got drunk on Thanksgiving. I was a little annoyed with how he had acted at the party, we talked it out, turns out he was trying to communicate with me about something earlier in the night but I wasn't understanding that. His words were (very drunkenly and very cute, I've never seen him so focused) "I love.... you! I think you're... perfect! I just always want to be the best version of myself around you and impress you." A couple weeks later he told me he loved me again.. very sober, and he claims he doesn't remember telling me that but that he "meant it then and means it now". We always had productive fights and only a couple times, nothing petty or immature.

    Around the second week of March he started saying he was stressed. I checked in with him once a day or every couple days, not pressuring him, but offering support. Then COVID happened, and he seemed even more stressed though he didn't lose his job or anything, but we couldn't see each other since we live separately so I couldn't talk to him face to face to really get to the bottom of what was wrong. He said he was referred to see a therapist. His texts started becoming less frequent, and he just kept saying he was depressed, but he'd always answer me and acted fairly normal otherwise. I got overwhelmed (not angry) over text one of the nights I was feeling the stress of the world and told him I didn't know what I should do because I wanted to talk to my boyfriend about things but at the same time didn't want to put extra stuff on him.

    I backed off for a few days to give him space and was greeted with a message from him in the middle of the night saying he couldn't "maintain a relationship" with me anymore and that he was sorry. I tried to get more information but he wouldn't say much other than he "has issues he needs to work on" and "thought he was ready for a relationship but isn't". I said I just wanted him to open up to me about whatever it was and asked if he just didn't see a future together and he responded "because I can't open up to you I don't see a future for us".

    I told him I was hurt and upset and asked him to explain, but we ended with an olive branch and he hasn't contacted me since (2 weeks). He always made a point of being kind, helpful, and loving towards me. My gut tells me that he was never lying or being deceitful about his feelings in the weeks leading up to this, so I just don't quite understand what happened. I asked him to tell me if it was just that he wasn't interested anymore and he wouldn't say that, and seemed to not even feel that way, he just kept saying he was depressed and couldn't manage a relationship and tends to push people away when he's depressed so he didn't want to drag me through it too.

    I don't want real advice, I just want someone to care ...about 2 months ago I was telling all my friends how happy I was which is not something I've ever done in a relationship

  2. #2
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    I am sorry that this has happened.

    It does not seem that he is able to deal with things well, and now with the lockdown it has made things worse. Had you seen any of this behavior in the past?

    See this as a blessing, you cannot have a future with someone, who blocks you out when things get stressful. He is not relationship material, and I suggest you move on and cut all contact.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why was it 'casual' for over a year? Unfortunately it seems he was never able to maintain or sustain a full time committed relationship and it just came to light again. Give him space but don't expect him to come around. He just doesn't want anything serious.
    Originally Posted by BonnieBurst
    My boyfriend and I had been dating about 1 1/2 years, first very casually then getting more serious starting last October. he just kept saying he was depressed and couldn't manage a relationship and tends to push people away when he's depressed so he didn't want to drag me through it too.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I definitely understand why you feel so hurt and bewildered. Not sure what else I can say except that I'm sure it was him and not you. Don't let it make you afraid of relationships.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's one of those "It's not you, it's me" type breakups. I'm sorry for your pain, BonnieBurst.

    Some people are like that. They just want to exit the relationship (or friendship in other cases) with nary an explanation and they dump you for their convenience. It is selfish and self-centered. They prefer to concentrate on themselves and their lives only. Having you in the picture only complicates his life and he doesn't want to devote brain space for you.

    The "I love you" phase is sometimes short lived and then you finally realize the true reality of a person's character by how they act towards you which often times is unsavory and disdainful. He doesn't care about your feelings and abruptly left you. This should raise red flags in your brain because a man or anyone who treats you without a respectful explanation is NOT honorable and lacks integrity. One day, you will feel relieved and you will have the "good riddance!" mentality.

    You deserve to be treated with respect. He didn't treat you with respect. Repeat those sentences in your brain and then you'll realize he didn't treat you right after all. This is your sobering reality check.

    I hope as time marches on, your old wounds will heal. Take good care of yourself.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Mun's Avatar
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    Hi there! Iím sorry you are going through this. Depression is a monster and it can convince you of things that are not true ...the best you can do for your bf is that he knows you are there for him. Let him have his time to work on himself and I am so glad he is getting help. Encourage him in that when you speak next. Iím so sorry, loving someone with mental health issues is draining. Please look after yourself too. Do things that bring you joy. Spend time with those you are in isolation with...I hope youíre not alone. But if you are we are here for you ♥️


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