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Thread: Struggle to find attraction

  1. #1
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    Struggle to find attraction

    Hi all
    Iím 39, all my friends are settled, have their own families.. Iím back single after wasting 5 years on someone who would dump me everything 9/10 months

    I think the reason I kept getting reeled back in by her is that in my 39 years I have dated ALOT of girls yet I just canít seem to find a spark with any of them... where with her despite the horrible things she did to me I was really attracted to her.. and when things were good it was great

    I think it must be physiological. Some of the girls Iíve dated have been great yet i feel shallow... itís all about looks for me and itís not getting me anywhere yet I canít seem to change

    I now feel panicked and anxious that this will be me now forever - alone, old

    Iím chatting to a really nice girl at the moment... loads in common yet I am not physically attracted to her... everyone says you have to give them a chance etc but I know Iíll just friend zone her

    Whatís wrong with me? Iíd like to get help but wouldnít know where to start!! What type of therapist could even help me with something like this!

    Anyway thanks for reading

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Maybe you're not really looking for a committed and satisfying relationship. Perhaps you just want some arm candy???

    If you have a lot in common with this nice girl, why not just explore it? Sparks don't always fly in the beginning. Sometimes we fall in love with someone after we know them for a while. I'm sure this girl isn't hideous.

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    Look while I think you can't force attraction, what you call spark, being shallow where you only like hot women won't do you any favours. At 39 you really can't keep only wanting gorgeous women. Otherwise you'll waste another 5, 10 however many years. I think you truly need to change your mindset and allow yourself to feel attraction to women who are average. Because most women and most men are actually only average. Only some are not. And believe me you'd have a lot of competition. My best friend is hot and she has so many guys after her and thousands of messages on online dating. Keep in mind that if you're looking for a long-term relationship, you need to like what's inside the person more than outside. Because the honeymoon phase wears off and then you need to have really good connection and friendship to make the relationship last.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James1982
    ... where with her despite the horrible things she did to me I was really attracted to her...
    Let's start here. I'd phrase this differently, and then challenge yourself to address it differently. Something like: "...because of the horrible things she did to me, I was really attracted to her..."

    Because that's the truth, no? What you like, for some reason, is that she is horrible to you. Yes, she's other things, and, I'd imagine, she's pleasing to the/your eyes, but the hook here is that she's "horrible," not "nice."

    That's the gold, but it's gold you haven't mined yet, not properly. Meaning? You're still making her the gold, instead of coming to terms with something you need so it can be found in a more healthy, less spirit-destroying way. Basically what you want her what you've had with her, but the non-poisonous version.

    Make any sense?

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  6. #5
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    It doesn't have to do with attraction -you see value in having someone who is conventionally "hot" on your arm or you feel validated by someone who is hot looking who wants you. That's not attraction -that's your values and your ego -and given your values it makes sense you'd think of these adult women as "girls.

    Please don't do these women any favors by giving them "a chance" if your focus is on physical features - let them spend their precious free time meeting guys who aren't forcing themselves to meet them just to "give them a chance". At some point you'll choose to look into why you value outer appearance so much and if you conclude this is still your priority then I'd focus only on women who meet your criteria for physical features, understanding that you may not get other things you also might want, like a woman who has spunk, or contributes to her community, or who has a great sense of humor or who is smart or compassionate or all these things. I know of men who are very happy to have chosen arm candy and prioritized arm candy. But don't tell yourself it has to do with true attraction, passion or chemistry.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    If you really are shallow and only focus on looks, why are you wasting this woman's time?

    why do you think you deserve some hot chick, when you don't seem to value yourself... 5 years with break ups every 9 or 10 months? It sounds like you'll do whatever to have an attract woman even part time. Why is it worth it? Admiration from the guys?

    I agree we all deserve to be with someone we're attracted to and that is attracted to us.

    It sounds like you think your better than this new woman. Meanwhile, sounds like you are playing outside you're own league and poorly.

    Don't jerk around women you don't find attractive because you can't keep the ones you do think are attractive. Its fine to hold out for what you do want. To use people is definitely not.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Lower your fixation on aesthetic standards. There are plenty of attractive women who don't have model looks yet they're healthy, fit, take good care of themselves yet not ugly either.

    Focus on personality and characteristic traits because looks fade as everyone ages and grows older. However, personality and character qualities are enduring and last forever.

    Whittle down your search to shared values, beliefs, faith (if you're religious), health, lifestyle, drinking or non-drinkers, party types or non-party types so on and so forth.

    Try seeking the help of a psychologist.

  9. #8
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    So you're chatting to a really nice girl at the moment. That's great! How is the chatting going? Are you connecting nicely or is something missing? Does she flirt? Is she giving vibes that she's into you?

    When you say that you aren't physically attracted to her, what do you specifically mean? In other words, what is a deal breaker to you and what isn't? I'm asking because I've been in some form of your shoes. If most qualities aren't a deal breaker then I suggest to give her a chance. Sometimes when you get to know someone better, connect in a more personal level, you see them in a different light. That happened to me long ago.


    By the way, I recommend video chatting if you aren't doing this already as it's more personal than text.
    Last edited by greendots; 04-20-2020 at 03:29 AM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James1982

    ... where with her despite the horrible things she did to me I was really attracted to her..

    ... itís all about looks for me and itís not getting me anywhere yet I canít seem to change

    Whatís wrong with me? Iíd like to get help but wouldnít know where to start!! What type of therapist could even help me with something like this!

    Anyway thanks for reading
    In my opinion, your problem stems from low self-esteem and yes, a therapist can help you with that. Going back to someone who did "horrible things" to you indicates that deep down you may have felt that it was ok to be mistreated i.e. you feel that you don't deserve to be loved. Plus, fixating on looks can also be about seeking validation i.e. some voice in the back of your head whispering that only if you manage to land a hot woman are you really good enough. Moreover, rejecting the majority of women preemptively can also be a dysfunctional (subconscious) way to avoid getting close enough to someone to be seriously hurt.

  11. #10
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    James, I'm fairly similar to you in that I only find myself physically attracted to good looking women. And sometimes I get the same accusations leveled at me - 'you're shallow' or 'you should forget about a nice piece of arm candy and find someone with substance'. These comments, I'll be honest, really annoy me as they're based on the assumption that 'hotness' is the only thing I'm looking for.

    Whereas, in reality, I'm looking for someone who's physically attractive and who I click with and is a lovely decent person with good morals and values and who loves dogs etc etc etc, I could go on.

    I really don't think being physically attractive and having these other qualities are mutually exclusive.

    I don't think the answer is to start going after women who you're not physically attracted to but rather just to look at physical attraction as just one of several qualities that you're looking for in a partner.

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