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Thread: Praying Out Loud

  1. #1
    Member Timotheus's Avatar
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    Praying Out Loud

    GOD,

    I’m just going to be real here I’m hella frustrated… I keep getting the … You Seem Like a Great Guy & A Real Sweetheart… But… I choose the other guy or I just want to be single or I don’t mind us being friends but they Ghost. Or the classic… I only see you as brother etc.

    Since I was younger, I was always told that finding someone to call your partner would get easier. Also since I was younger I’ve always said I want my own family to make memories and create something special with that same person with or without kids.

    I’ve dated here an there, and I’ve had serious relationships before in the past. But Now…It’s 2020 and I understand that everything is more important than me right now. However, it still bothers me that I am 33 years old and it is now 6 and half years since I had a actual girlfriend.

    I’ve been involved with women who I thought would workout but… they just wanted sex, they wanted a real relationship like I wanted but NOT with me, they wanted me to somehow work with them long distance or uproot where I have here because they want to move out of state.

    The women that I don’t even get to see on a date… because they say they are interested but say things like…. I’m just looking for friends, they are cool with exchanging numbers but don’t put any effort into getting to know you ( so your doing all of the work asking questions), and the worst of this type of all… the ones who keep matching with me but when we talk, they tell me that we talked before (which was only a hi or hello and them saying it back to me) just to stop talking to me.

    The ghosting women… The women who just that don’t mean what they say and ghost. Complete ghost no matter what stage you are with them when being involved with them.

    The girl who I’ve ever had a real thing with, who’s name starts with ________ is the only ex I would ever take back. However, You and I know that she’s married (don’t know if it’s really happily) and if she would actually come back. But because of racism from her family which to this day, she’s not going to admit to, she ended it and is now with him (who happens to be white, which again I’m just making a point, I have no problem with color a person skin is…)

    I don’t know what where I crossed the line? Was it something that I did? Is It my personality that’s a problem? Was it because I gave two years to the last woman who treated me like dirt, didn’t care about my well being but only my resources, that I decided to divorce 7 months or marriage with? What is the truth? Why can I feel loved in that way that I have been waiting…better question why am I not worthy. I get to watch everyone around me family and friends find someone for themselves and are still keeping it pushing… (and at no offense to all of them….) Now I get to watch everyone who are couples start to have babies and make families and I’m still here as the little boy that has always wanted what I said before “I would love to have my own family to build and have memories with…” So I don’t get why am I being told to take the backseat on all of this. Is it because I don’t have someone because of colorism? I said that because I’m a young 33 year old DARK Black guy. I’ve tried everything to keep my hope alive but it has ran really thin. I don’t have the answers, and I’m tired to looking for the answers. Some friends of mine say it will happen when your not looking… well that’s not true. I’m a male… I can’t simple stop looking at women or stop “the nature of the hunt”. Ive tired the dating sites… and that’s where I get most of the hit and miss from but clearly I’m not finding a match… Ive even paid for it. I even went to reader.. and everything I keep being told is wrong or never happened. No one has the answers… The only positive thing out of this, is that I have been watching, reading self help to dating to social books and articles to improve on how a man should be and to put that all to action. I’m just really hurting right now.. and I really don’t feel comfortable telling talking to my family and friends anymore about it… because it’s the same thing over and over…. And I FEEL as if I make people annoyed with me on it. I don’t know how else to break this SPELL besides to keep going and be myself.

    AMEN

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I feel your focus is way too intense on the end goal. Pushing for it to happen, and trying to please, being too eager, entitlement...all these things turn them off. Being confident, aloof, a little distant, and not so focused to get to the end goal will have better results. To be desired is to be less available. It shows self worth, and not putting them up on a pedestal, or worshiping them like a goddess. act like you do have other options.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're hurting. I realize you're not asking for advice and this is a prayer. Just a few thoughts.

    Hit pause and take a deep breath. The pain isn't going to go away by itself so take a time out and pause from the dating scene.

    You do not need to take any exes back. Avoid making this about your colour or race. Slow down and take a really good look at what's around you. We are not all born equal or the same. You must harness what you've got and start taking the reins.

    Look at your environment, your city, your career and the life you are currently building for yourself. Are you happy with these? Or does your sole happiness derive from having someone else making you happy?

    It appears more to me like you've conditioned yourself into believing that you are not complete or your life isn't complete until you have a family or are in a successful relationship. This doesn't leave much room for growth and change. Life may have something different in store for you but you keep missing the boat or you're not seeing all the opportunities (unrelated to family life and dating) that are sailing past you.

    Take a time out, slow down and process all the hurt and pain. Jealousy for others' lives, anger, resentment, pain are all heavy, heavy things for a person to bear. You're carrying this with you wherever you go. You have to process all of that and let it go. Start focusing on positive change and reinventing your life with the resources available to you. Don't stop. Don't look back. Keep thinking, keep moving and keep growing in positive ways.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 06-12-2020 at 01:52 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You're trying too hard. Instead of focusing on finding women, concentrate on yourself.

    I can't speak for all women but generally women are attracted to 4 qualities: Character (respectful behavior, selflessness, kindness, empathy, good manners, common courtesy, common decency), career, good health and your own interests such as intellectual pursuits, sports (fitness), hobbies and the like. You have to make yourself more intriguing without trying so hard to attract others. Do it for yourself to become a happy, content person. Become a well rounded person. If you're faith based, join your local church, serve in ministries, help the community all within reason during this pandemic. If you have to do it remotely, then do it.

    You'll attract high quality women when you become high quality. Higher quality women are extremely picky and choosy. They shop around and you can, too if you have a lot to offer.

    Work on yourself and take a long break from dating. Become a "catch" by creating a very high standard for yourself. There is nothing more attractive than self confidence and self security. (Without being cocky, of course.) I'm attracted to successful yet very humble people.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ease up on yourself. This corona thing is kicking a lot of butt, particularly in the dating arena. There have been huge spikes in breakups, divorces, etc. People who are with someone are getting on each other's nerves, people who are not with anyone are being punched in the gut from the sustained isolation. Add to that people may be on apps but can't meet. So while it looks grim, it's actually bad everywhere for everyone.

  7. #6
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    The problem is that you try to turn a date into a wife too soon.
    How do you think a girl would feel when you overwhelm them with your eagerness when they know full well you actually have not got to know them? They of course will feel dismissed for the person they are and not willing to be the lovely wife you want them to he and fit into your mould.

    And so they see you as a lovely guy but not the guy for them.
    They want to be loved for who they are ,not the person you expect them to be.

    Stop with the time limit. Get to know a girl and let them get to know you without pressure. And realise that not every girl you chat to will for your criteria just like every girl that chats to you will realise you don’t fit theirs.

    But enjoy the dating that comes with discovering that.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You're going to have to practice changing your mindset. It's too intense. Even if you don't voice how you feel, like you're under a time crunch, and your goal is to quickly start a family, women are intuitive and will sense this is happening in your brain.

    Try thinking of it as: I'm enjoying a cup of coffee with a pretty woman, and I'm going to be in the present, having a nice discussion. Don't think beyond that.

    For many of us, we have to sift through a lot of sand to find the treasure. When I did OLD, 9 times out of 10, one or both of us chose to not go onto a 2nd date. It doesn't mean anything was wrong with either of us. We just weren't a good fit.

    It's best to expand on how you meet people, because it's more rare to find someone with whom you share chemistry, PLUS match in all the major ways. When social distancing becomes less of an issue, think of activities you could enjoy where you can meet single women: Take dance lessons. Volunteer at a museum or zoo or aquarium or environmental cleanups or Habitat for Humanity. Take lessons in cooking, painting, gardening. Try Meetup.com groups geared to singles in your age group. Although, even when interested in a woman, give it time to see if she's giving you any clues she might be receptive when you do get to the point of asking her out.

    If you don't know the signals of when a woman might be interested, read some articles about it. I would ask your friends and their gf's or wives if they can offer any advice of how they see you with your interactions with women, and pointers of how your situation could improve. Tell them to be honest and you won't be upset. Perhaps you need a makeover. Perhaps your attitude needs an adjustment. What they observe might be different in how you perceive yourself.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    However, it still bothers me that I am 33 years old and it is now 6 and half years since I had a actual girlfriend.
    It could be that you've lived for 33 years believing that every slight has cast you as the ugly duckling rather than ever grasping that you're actually a fabulous swan.

    Mentality being everything, I'd make it my private goal to flip my focus and avoid year 34 of holding the same beliefs that have worked against me all my life. Unlike most fairytales where some magical hero appears for rescue and revelation of our self worth, the ugly duckling story reveals the odd duck as someone who has faced a lifetime of adversity to grow into his ownership of his majestic and beautiful truth.

    You can carry around a chip that will continue to thwart any buy-in from others of your true and worthy nature, or you can embrace your swan and recognize that not just 'anybody' can own the capacity to view you through the right lens. It will need to be the RIGHT person for you to share your vision.

    Meanwhile, most people will continue to share the vision you already have. It's not attractive.

    Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. If you allow those odds to beat you down and trample your sense of self, you won't prevail. If you view those odds, instead, as a self protective screening device, then you will rise to the view of anyone who doesn't 'get you' as not worthy of YOU.

    Nobody can value us unless and until we grow into The One who values ourselves. From that point forward, anybody who doesn't click with us is NOT a reflection on us, but rather, doesn't own the capacity to be with us. Period. And next...

    We each get to decide our own value, and we cannot hide that choice from the world.

    Head high, and choose wisely.


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