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Thread: Struggle to find attraction

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Awesome!! No cockroaches??? ;-)
    those, too!

  2. #42
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Why are you "alone"? Do you have family? Friends? Anyone you can interact with?

    Wanting a toxic ex back so you have company is so not a good idea.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James1982
    Im worried I wonít find them feelings again
    This is how the cocaine user feels when the bag is empty. It's a mirage, of course, this feeling. Need to feel those exact feelings again? All you have to do scrape up some money, buy some more cocaine, and do a line. The thing that seems so magicalóthe highóis actually basic and very easy to come by.

    Wonder if you can see "them feelings" you're referencing above in the same light. Powerful, sure, but not that special. Not healthy. Making the choice to quitóbe it cocaine or a connection like thisódoesn't mean you never get high again. Means you free up space to figure out how to find a better version of that high, a sustainable version that actually nourishes, rather than depletes.

    It's totally doable, if you decide, for real, it's something you want to do. Yeah, there's going to be some withdrawal, some loneliness, some fear. Six months, give or take. But if you commit to six months cold turkeyóno nonsense with her, no swiping to erase or replace heróI think you'd be in for something truly wildóthe difference between black and white and color.

  4. #44
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    Just want to thank people that posted replies to me. Itís nice people take time to do so and help. Even reading the posts feels therapeutic

    Iím trying to do this cold turkey, trying to block out these negative thoughts that donít help me.

    I think I panic, everyone I know are settled, families etc and Iím back flying solo, and I know I shouldnít but the thought of her moving on having kids and Iím still searching for a partner and not any further forward really worries me

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James1982
    Just want to thank people that posted replies to me. Itís nice people take time to do so and help. Even reading the posts feels therapeutic

    Iím trying to do this cold turkey, trying to block out these negative thoughts that donít help me.

    I think I panic, everyone I know are settled, families etc and Iím back flying solo, and I know I shouldnít but the thought of her moving on having kids and Iím still searching for a partner and not any further forward really worries me
    Can you imagine if you had kids with this woman and she was kicking you out every few months? Imagine the upbringing those poor kids would have had.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James1982
    I think I panic, everyone I know are settled, families etc and Iím back flying solo, and I know I shouldnít but the thought of her moving on having kids and Iím still searching for a partner and not any further forward really worries me
    What bolt said. I mean, if you're genuinely feeling the pinch and pressure to get on that "settled" bandwagon it should be all the more inspiration to get out of this sandbox. You've had 5 years of the opposite of settled with this woman. That is what you plus her equals.

    I'm your ageóhit 40 back in Octoberóand while I've never been pressed for marriage and kids, I did find that partnership because very important to me. I wanted something deep, expansive, saucy and secure. Once that was isolatedófor realóit made it somewhat easy to let go of an ex who, in another life, I could have enjoyed a fraught 6 months to a year of post-breakup heat with. Stumbled around a bit when dating, being a human, but when I couldn't honestly think of someone as a partner I found I could let it go.

    No need to "block out" the negative thoughts. Let them in, explore them, get cozy with themówithout reacting to them. That is how they lose their power, how you heal, shed this husk that is no longer serving your wants and needs. Think of a wound. Yeah, you can keep it covered in a bandage, but that's just step one. Stays open, raw, sensitive. Eventually you need to take off the bandage and let in oxygen, so it heals properly.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    i understand....

    But! one thing that remains true you cant make a silk purse out of a sows ear.

    A great spouse doesn't just happen because you're married. Its the whole enchilada..... if they suck as a date, as a SO, they're gonna suck as a spouse.

    So what's a person that wants better to do?

    You gotta cut off the wrong person. do not try to fix them or hope if you put in more, they will come around. See the writing in the wall for what is and move on, or you'll just end up wasting more time.

    Your goal can't be to marry because everyone else is doing it. A marriage is not a trip to Turks & Caicos or the latest trend.

    I always figured, when I find the right person, I will. but not before. Not out of some panic. To me, that's just more time wasted... and a lot of hurt.

    People think its just the break up that hurts. But that's just the part everyone sees... Its being with the wrong person that is truly painful; the dissatisfaction, the worry, the negative feelings, the suffocation, the loss of hope and despair of what your life is and what you thought it would be, the longing for more with some embarassment and shame thrown in to really make it messy.

    Sure, a single person might have moments of those feelings, too. We all do, even married people.

    But when you're single it can change in a dime!Lightening could strike at any time. It only takes one. And you're the one telling your friends, 'I met someone!' All you need do is be ready for it.

    Success is where preparation meets opportunity.
    And that my friends is for all things in life... you just keep working, keep ploughing through. When its right, whatever it is, it will find you.

    Maybe your love life isn't going so great right now. I know this pandemic isn't helping. But when one area isn't working, focus on another area. Build up your career or a hobby, reconnect with your family and friends in a way that you haven't in a while.

    Nothing good comes from panic. Panic is fear and ignorance. Calm, calculated movements... that's strength and awareness. See the person you want to be and emulate that. forget what everyone else is doing. FYI- The crowd is usually wrong.

  9. #48
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    I agree Lambert although I think there has to be more emphasis on proactivity and less on "it will find you"

    I remember in the 1980s my sister and best friend both got engaged and were over the moon (well ok sister did, best friend was about to be). I felt like crap. Yes I was only 19 or so but I wanted that too. Badly. I bought a bridal magazine to look at maid of honor dresses for my sister's upcoming wedding and walked around my city staring at men - wanting to be noticed, to meet a guy. Desperate. Ridiculous right? I got on a subway and a man sat next to me, started chatting me up, asking about the magazine. I overshared about my sister's wedding. I was so desperate for attention I didn't notice he'd put his arm along the back of the seat and was about to touch me. He was probably in his 30s, creepy. Nothing happened. I came to my senses and discreetly got up and walked away. Obviously he was inappropriate but I was so desperate my common sense went out the window.

    By contrast once I became the right person to find the right person I was able to choose from a position of reasonable confidence. My husband is not perfect. Not perfect looking, acting, whatever. Of course he isn't. We've been quarrantined with our son since March 14. I am shocked to be honest that I feel like I love him even more - even though I have times of exasperation, frustration, even though most nights now he's sleeping in our son's room because my son is having bad reactions to the quarrantine/virus fears - and yes we miss the intimacy of course. But I love my imperfect husband, love his shaggy/unkempt hair, love that he reminds himself to shower lol (because of the quarrantine). I love that he showed my son a Carol Burnett skit right after I made him play "All I ask of you" because I was reading an old magazine article about Andrew Lloyd Weber. And that none of that should have happened because on my watch son would be in bed not doing laps around the apartment at 1030pm.

    It's all an imperfect mess. He's my imperfect mess, I am his. As my son now says because I taught him over and over about his many toys/property "It's not perfect but it's still wonderful."

    When you become the right person and are proactive from a position of confidence you'll look for a person not a spark, for a person not a certain look or body type, and you will sparkle to that person so that together you will spark.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Batya33 is right. you gotta try!

  11. #50
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    Some great advice in this thread. I know I gave some dating thoughts earlier in the thread. However, given that you've said, as a 3rd party, you wouldn't recommend a female friend date you at the moment, I agree with others that you shouldn't date just now.

    I think the drug analogy is very very good and I've been there myself with a girl I dated 3 years ago - huge highs followed by huge lows depending on whether she happened to be hot or cold with me at that time. I think even at that time, I recognised how unhealthy that was but, like you have for the past few years, I didn't have the willpower to stop chasing the high.

    A couple of other thoughts I've had:

    Firstly, can you avoid any possibility of contact with her? I'm assuming you've blocked her number / social media etc anyway, but I know you've said that in the past, she's begged you to come back when you've just 'bumped into her'. I don't know how far apart you live etc but could you avoid 'bumping into her' by not going to any places that she frequents? So there's no chance of you getting tempted by the high again? Kind of like someone who's trying to come off a drug would avoid places where other people would be taking that drug and might offer them one.

    Secondly, how's your life outside of dating and relationships? Do you have things going on that give you a lot of pleasure - friends you really enjoy seeing, sports and activities you really enjoy doing etc? I ask this because I think having a fulfilling life in general is important for self esteem and for not placing too much importance on the attentions of a woman.

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