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Thread: Struggle to find attraction

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    James, I'm fairly similar to you in that I only find myself physically attracted to good looking women. And sometimes I get the same accusations leveled at me - 'you're shallow' or 'you should forget about a nice piece of arm candy and find someone with substance'. These comments, I'll be honest, really annoy me as they're based on the assumption that 'hotness' is the only thing I'm looking for.

    Whereas, in reality, I'm looking for someone who's physically attractive and who I click with and is a lovely decent person with good morals and values and who loves dogs etc etc etc, I could go on.

    I really don't think being physically attractive and having these other qualities are mutually exclusive.

    I don't think the answer is to start going after women who you're not physically attracted to but rather just to look at physical attraction as just one of several qualities that you're looking for in a partner.
    I don't think it's about physical attraction. A focus to the extent the OP is on outer physical features typically points to a focus on wanting arm candy or seeing one's value in how hot one's partner is perceived on some model/objective scale. Physical attraction is essential of course!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    James, I'm fairly similar to you in that I only find myself physically attracted to good looking women. And sometimes I get the same accusations leveled at me - 'you're shallow' or 'you should forget about a nice piece of arm candy and find someone with substance'. These comments, I'll be honest, really annoy me as they're based on the assumption that 'hotness' is the only thing I'm looking for.

    Whereas, in reality, I'm looking for someone who's physically attractive and who I click with and is a lovely decent person with good morals and values and who loves dogs etc etc etc, I could go on.

    I really don't think being physically attractive and having these other qualities are mutually exclusive.

    I don't think the answer is to start going after women who you're not physically attracted to but rather just to look at physical attraction as just one of several qualities that you're looking for in a partner.
    I think you're coming from a balanced perspective, where attraction is important but part of a longer equation. Which is reasonable imo.

    People aren't accusing him of being shallow. He said it of himself and its negatively impacting his life. he's allowing himself to be treated horribly because of his physical attraction to an abusive woman.

    Everyone deserves a mutual physical attraction in romance. After all, isn't it the attraction that elevates it past friendship?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    True. If there is no attraction it's just friends.
    Originally Posted by James1982
    I am not physically attracted to her... everyone says you have to give them a chance etc but I know Iíll just friend zone her

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I think you're coming from a balanced perspective, where attraction is important but part of a longer equation. Which is reasonable imo.

    People aren't accusing him of being shallow. He said it of himself and its negatively impacting his life. he's allowing himself to be treated horribly because of his physical attraction to an abusive woman.

    Everyone deserves a mutual physical attraction in romance. After all, isn't it the attraction that elevates it past friendship?
    I agree with that. I'm not saying that myself and the OP are exactly the same - it sounds like the OP is saying he only considers physical attraction, whereas for me, it's one of several essential components. I guess the point of view I'm challenging here is the one put forward by a couple of other people who've said that he should "give a chance" to someone who he already knows he has no physical attraction to.

    One question I'd ask the OP is: how do you actually end up dating / chatting to women (such as the woman you're chatting to now) whose physical attraction falls below what you go for? If you're meeting them off Tinder (for example), do you not just swipe left on them?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    I agree with that. I'm not saying that myself and the OP are exactly the same - it sounds like the OP is saying he only considers physical attraction, whereas for me, it's one of several essential components. I guess the point of view I'm challenging here is the one put forward by a couple of other people who've said that he should "give a chance" to someone who he already knows he has no physical attraction to.

    One question I'd ask the OP is: how do you actually end up dating / chatting to women (such as the woman you're chatting to now) whose physical attraction falls below what you go for? If you're meeting them off Tinder (for example), do you not just swipe left on them?
    Good points... How does one end up in a romantic scenario with someone that are not romantically attracted to?

    I also think giving someone a chance is reserved for when you're not sure if there is attraction or not, it can grow in time, for me... however! Its a short window and when I'm not attracted at all, I know straight away.

    The fact that OP said he doesn't find her attractive then he knows he is not. I'm sure the woman has other options. No woman needs pity dates. Don't waste her time.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My feeling here is that OP has something deeper to explore, as I tried to hint at. You don't spent years being hung up on someone you describe as "horrible"óan apt description based on an earlier threadójust because she's hot, the sex is interstellar, and you're shallow. Those two things are connected, in short, not at odds with one another.

    And until that's reckoned with, understood? I think he will struggle to find anyone attractive, or at least finding the infamous "sparks," unless he manages to collide with someone who is equally hot but more horrible, so one form of addiction/consumption can be eclipsed by another, even more potent version. Monkey branching 101, more or less. Quitting cigarettes by switching to crack cocaine.

    Trouble there is that it leads you back to the same place, where the spirit is starved and "44" gets subbed in for "39" in a future post.

    Dating, in a way, begins with "giving a chance" to someone you're not sure about. You may be sure about a few thingsóthat you think someone is super hot, or super smart, or super kindóbut you hardly know if that's enough, if the fuel is there. Which is okay. For OP, though, I think what is missing is a sense of being sure in him himself as a human being who is worthy of sincere emotional investment from another human being.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Blue has nailed it again.

    Either you are trying to date way out of your league in physical appearance or you are going after the wrong women regardless.

    How many beautiful women do we know that seem to keep dating jerks? and then keep going back to the same jerk over and over again and pass up good guys? Could this be the same thing???

    What exactly are you ATTRACTED to? There are women that are pretty to me that are sexy as hell and then there are women that are drop dead gorgeous to me that are about as sexy as a piece of gum stuck under a table.

    I happen to know a guy like you that was chasing after his dream girl. This guy was not all that but he was okay looking. He never really got that his dream girl was a fantasy, not reality and since he imagined her in his head what were the chances that some REAL girl/woman could ever live up to that imagined person.

    If you have been doing the same thing for 20 years and it hasn't worked perhaps it is time to try something new. I don't mean dating some woman hoping the attraction grows, I mean seeking out some therapy.

    You have posted here so that is a very good start but like Bluecastle I think this has everything to do with you and less to do with available "Hot" women in your area.

    I wonder if you did meet and get into a relationship with a woman you were extremely attracted to and then fell in love and then she put on a few pounds or cut her hair short would you dump her?

    There is a lot to explore for you and talking to a therapist is a great place to start.

    Have you ever been in love? I mean deeply in love.

    Lost

  9. #18
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    Thanks for all your replies.

    Maybe I explained myself wrongly. Iím not looking for a trophy on my arm.

    Everyone says to me I shouldnít go for looks but for someone I have the same interests with etc etc and I agree thatís what I want too but I am not physically attracted to these women looks wise(the ones so far)And if Iím not physically attracted to them i canít see myself intimate with them.... I might as well just hang out with my friend who likes the same things as I do?

    My ex treated me bad, I put up with it... and then she finished with me every 9-10 months saying she canít force herself to have feeling for me... (so now Iím thinking that sounds familiar to my issue ive just explained)

    Despite all that she did to me, Iím such a fool if she came back again I know id probably give in again - yet thereís been other women who I can tell think more of me, seem loyal etc are attractive but I just find fault with them and I hate myself for it. I want to settle down I donít want to be singles I want someone Iím attracted to looks wise and click with them

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James1982
    Thanks for all your replies.

    Maybe I explained myself wrongly. Iím not looking for a trophy on my arm.

    Everyone says to me I shouldnít go for looks but for someone I have the same interests with etc etc and I agree thatís what I want too but I am not physically attracted to these women looks wise(the ones so far)And if Iím not physically attracted to them i canít see myself intimate with them.... I might as well just hang out with my friend who likes the same things as I do?

    My ex treated me bad, I put up with it... and then she finished with me every 9-10 months saying she canít force herself to have feeling for me... (so now Iím thinking that sounds familiar to my issue ive just explained)

    Despite all that she did to me, Iím such a fool if she came back again I know id probably give in again - yet thereís been other women who I can tell think more of me, seem loyal etc are attractive but I just find fault with them and I hate myself for it. I want to settle down I donít want to be singles I want someone Iím attracted to looks wise and click with them
    aww James.. I know what you mean. And to see yourself on the receiving end of what you struggle with... at least you can understand.

    Some times we just have it so bad for someone. But a lot of that is really you, not them. You're attached to the potential, what you wish you could have with this person. There's a lot of opportunity here, to love yourself more. To accept, you (like EVERYONE) really only have control of yourself.

    Building self love, acceptance, limiting attachment to worldly things- people, material things, the ego driven beliefs that these things define you.... is a good place to start. But maybe that's not what interests you, but exposing yourself to these kinds of concepts, may help expand your perspective.

    I know you deserve to be with someone you're attracted to and click with. You just haven't found her yet. Try to stop focusing on your ex and get some new energy flowing in your life, new prospects will come.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    I agree with that. I'm not saying that myself and the OP are exactly the same - it sounds like the OP is saying he only considers physical attraction, whereas for me, it's one of several essential components. I guess the point of view I'm challenging here is the one put forward by a couple of other people who've said that he should "give a chance" to someone who he already knows he has no physical attraction to.

    One question I'd ask the OP is: how do you actually end up dating / chatting to women (such as the woman you're chatting to now) whose physical attraction falls below what you go for? If you're meeting them off Tinder (for example), do you not just swipe left on them?

    This is where I canít work myself out... yes itís all online... and this is the issue... they are attractive but I start chatting and then Iíll just get put off by something or I donít know it lacks a spark and I donít know why. Like for example Iím talking to a really nice girl at the moment (over the past two-four weeks) whatsapp, video, voice calls... sheís attractive, into the same things... yet now I donít think of her and want to say get intimate. Could it be Iím not over my ex perhaps? Iím not sure as I feel Iíve been like this my whole life hence all my friends are settled and have children and Iím
    Coming up to 40 single and frustrated

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