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Thread: I need advice

  1. #1

    I need advice

    Hi, so I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 and a half years. In the beginning we were so happy and almost rushed into things too quick and set this expectation that we would get married etc. I often feel unloved and unhappy within the relationship, I donít know if I love him anymore. In my opinion, how I see it is that he is very jealous if I like a band or a singer he will get angry with me for mentioning them I often donít talk about things I like due to this - this is never abusive in a physical way which he gets angry btw. I donít get butterflies when we talk, I feel like he doesnít care about me at all, I have often brought up how I feel and it is always the same points to which he will say sorry and then it will be good for maybe a month or two after however then it falls back into him being jealous and me not feeling loved and feeling unhappy, he has said previously that he thinks itís just me, just my thoughts that are making me think this way, which makes me question how I feel am I being dramatic because I only feel like this once every few months or am
    I in an unhappy or even toxic relationship
    I donít know. I donít find myself saying I love him anymore, I try to FaceTime regularly especially due to lockdown however he always answers the phone and doesnít smile doesnít get excited to talk to me and I donít know if Iím being oversensitive because this upsets me or if I am justified. I feel like I donít want to be with someone who I need to tell them how to act around me and for them to say sorry then have the same issues or a different issue a few months later, but I donít know if itís me being over dramatic. Being in lockdown everything is heightened emotionally, I know it may sound like just breakup because I am not happy but I do have happy days with him and we have lots of memories and our friendship circle has kind of joined together because of us and he gets along with my family they love him so itís hard itís not as easy to just walk away when Iím not 100% sure. I feel like I deserve more but I donít know what to do, I need some advice please and I donít want to talk to any of my close friends because they know him they love him and would probably support him. I have been through hard times with him when he had severe mental health issues and I have opened up to him tonight about how I am feeling how I am upset and all he has done is argue and told me to go away and said itís bs essentially.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Jealousy and anger are huge red flags which need to be heeded otherwise you're setting yourself up for long term misery with your boyfriend and never even consider marrying him!

    My cousin and sister are married to controlling, jealous men. Beware.

    Never be with a guy who doesn't treat you right nor respects you.

    Listen to common sense and exit the relationship if you can.

    After 2.5 years, you know him better than anyone. If he hasn't sincerely changed for you, he obviously lacks empathy. Don't be with a guy you're not happy with.

  3. #3
    I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I donít want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I donít know if I am overreacting? Itís so hard when my family and friends donít see this side I donít even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Jealousy and anger are huge red flags which need to be heeded otherwise you're setting yourself up for long term misery with your boyfriend and never even consider marrying him!

    My cousin and sister are married to controlling, jealous men. Beware.

    Never be with a guy who doesn't treat you right nor respects you.

    Listen to common sense and exit the relationship if you can.

    After 2.5 years, you know him better than anyone. If he hasn't sincerely changed for you, he obviously lacks empathy. Don't be with a guy you're not happy with.
    I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I donít want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I donít know if I am overreacting? Itís so hard when my family and friends donít see this side I donít even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear

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  6. #5
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    Your bf is emotionally abusive. You can't be in a relationship where there is control, manipulation deep insecurity. He does not make you feel loved or secure and has you walking on eggshells. What has kept you connected to this guy?

    This guy has a boatload of issues. He will never change, as he has shown you repeatedly. No better time than to end things.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hannah122
    I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I donít want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I donít know if I am overreacting? Itís so hard when my family and friends donít see this side I donít even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear
    These are huge things. Are you so scared of being alone that you would stay with this creep?

    Tell them what you told us. Also, this is YOUR life, why would you stay if you are not happy?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 04-18-2020 at 08:19 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hannah122
    I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I donít want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I donít know if I am overreacting? Itís so hard when my family and friends donít see this side I donít even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear
    No, you're not overreacting. Never feel you have to win your family and friends' approval regarding your boyfriend because they don't know his true character as well as you do. They only see his social, best side. You see his warts and all. This is the difference.

    Sure, everyone can say there are good times to be had with anyone. While that's all well and good, there's the unsavory side to his personality and character which is disdainful. The real question is this: "Is he good enough for you? Or, do you prefer a man who can share good times with you AND behave like a decent human being?"

    A REAL MAN is honorable, gracious, respectful, kind, decent, possesses the highest integrity, behaves like a gentleman and treats you as if you matter. If a man doesn't have a conscience, then you're wasting your time, energy and money on him.

    Only time and patience will tell you how much you are willing to tolerate and for how long. Some women put up and shut up (tolerate while keeping their mouth shut) while others don't put up with anyone's _ _ _ _ anymore. The choice is yours.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Its hard when things were good and people have these happy for you feelings because they don't know how bad it is between you two now. But its just a lie.

    You deserve better and you know it. I'm all for working things out with people but for whatever reason, he's just being a jerk, putting it on you.

    Maybe complacent because this is how he really is and doesn't have a lot to really offer.

    I went through something similar. It was hard to do at the time but it was THE BEST thing I ever did. Some people were in my business, not understanding or maybe they thought they were helping. They didn't believe what I said about how he was a jekyl and hide. I ended some friendships. But a funny thing happened... in time, people would come back and say to me, you know he is an ass & I see it now.

    One day while I was still with him I had the realization, that it was ME that made him special. I did all the things and he got credit for by association with me. I was the one signing his name on the card. It was me being the fun one and making our life good.

    I really struggled because i liked our life but I wasn't happy... he had a temper, drank too much, had no motivation to ever be more than what he was. There were many cringe worthy moments to match the happy ones of the beginning. I told him, you don't even smile when you see me anymore. Our sex life was non-existent.

    I had to dump him or that was gonna be my life... He wasn't gonna change. It wasn't a problem for him.

    not too long ago a friend asked me if I ever saw him around town and he laughed so hard at my response "not if I can help it"

    naturally i think of him, he was a huge part of my life.... but! i actually go back and forth between pity and just disdain... it doesn't hurt me anymore. It is just a shame because the man he was in the beginning, before he became just so cynical and miserable about life, was a fun, loving guy.

    The same man that would send me flowers, yelled at me for thanking a driver in traffic that let me go. The same man that held me up at my Nana's funeral, laughed at me, that I would never make VP at my company....

    The good news is, I've surrounded myself with better people, I've surpassed my career goals and continue to even surprise myself. I'm happier than I have ever been.

    He lost a great woman and I lost a crushing weight that was just holding me down. And thats the truth.

    If you want to have a good life. You have to make good choices. Sometimes they hurt, but that's when you learn what your made of...

    xxoo

  10. #9
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    How long ago do you think the ďmehĒ feeling began? Like no energy between you two when you talk, did I understand your post properly? Is that a constant or is it occasional?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Hannah122
    Hi, so I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 and a half years. In the beginning we were so happy and almost rushed into things too quick and set this expectation that we would get married etc. I often feel unloved and unhappy within the relationship, I donít know if I love him anymore. In my opinion, how I see it is that he is very jealous if I like a band or a singer he will get angry with me for mentioning them I often donít talk about things I like due to this - this is never abusive in a physical way which he gets angry btw. I donít get butterflies when we talk, I feel like he doesnít care about me at all, I have often brought up how I feel and it is always the same points to which he will say sorry and then it will be good for maybe a month or two after however then it falls back into him being jealous and me not feeling loved and feeling unhappy, he has said previously that he thinks itís just me, just my thoughts that are making me think this way, which makes me question how I feel am I being dramatic because I only feel like this once every few months or am
    I in an unhappy or even toxic relationship
    I donít know. I donít find myself saying I love him anymore, I try to FaceTime regularly especially due to lockdown however he always answers the phone and doesnít smile doesnít get excited to talk to me and I donít know if Iím being oversensitive because this upsets me or if I am justified. I feel like I donít want to be with someone who I need to tell them how to act around me and for them to say sorry then have the same issues or a different issue a few months later, but I donít know if itís me being over dramatic. Being in lockdown everything is heightened emotionally, I know it may sound like just breakup because I am not happy but I do have happy days with him and we have lots of memories and our friendship circle has kind of joined together because of us and he gets along with my family they love him so itís hard itís not as easy to just walk away when Iím not 100% sure. I feel like I deserve more but I donít know what to do, I need some advice please and I donít want to talk to any of my close friends because they know him they love him and would probably support him. I have been through hard times with him when he had severe mental health issues and I have opened up to him tonight about how I am feeling how I am upset and all he has done is argue and told me to go away and said itís bs essentially.
    Do your friends and family also know how irrationally jealous, rude and emotionally manipulative he is?

    My guess is that they don't, because you protect him and whitewash things to make them think all is well. Would that be accurate?

    No, you are not overreacting. You boyfriend has some serious issues if you can't even mention a band you like without him flying off the handle. That isn't normal, OP. Surely you already know that. You're feeling "meh" because you know this isn't a healthy relationship and you have lost the desire to try for someone who isn't trying for you. There are plenty of rational, mature guys out there who won't make you question whether the good bits are enough to justify staying; the relationship would be good enough in general to keep you happily committed.

    This isn't your forever guy.

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