Should I wait on him?

Hi there! Looking for a little insight.

My long term bf of 2& 1/2 years (we are both 22) has recently broken up with me saying he is dealing with childhood trauma, depressed, and unsure in life. He said I’m still the love of his life and wants to end up together but in order for that to happen- this time of self improvement and discovery needs to. Basically wants me to wait on him but said he knew it was unfair to ask. That he just wants to be able to call me when he feels better and resume and work things out. He has a history of being extremely avoidant of love/close relationships, and has some bipolar tendencies. Last time he visited he said he felt as if something was wrong with him and he has days he feels nothing and like a shell of himself but to always remember how much he genuinely feels towards me. When I mentioned this he said its not just him avoiding its him being lost and depressed and not wanting to drag me through it, and doesn’t think he will be able to actually focus on healing while together.

I of course asked him if there was someone else or if he was just trying to soften the blow and he was very upset by that and saying “ you must not know me if you think those things bc they aren’t true, and I’m not going to lie to make this easier. I still love you and believe your my person” and so on about how it’s a him issue. He agreed to let me know if anything changed, said he has no intentions of dating anyone new as the whole point is working out his depression & figuring out his own interest again, as nothing makes him feel anything anymore. He then said he has no clue how long it will take for him to feel normal again, and made a comment of “well if it takes a year we have to be realistic about casual things” and how it’s different than loving and wanting to marry someone. Agree but also annoyed.

He asked me not to contact him during the next few months but he would let me know if anything changes. I also said I would like to know if a time ever comes where he doesn’t want to reconnect and he promised to keep me in the loop. The other day I gave in with texts and calls and have been completely ignored. I feel horribly stupid and like his ability to blow me off is a reflection of how he feels and that I’m being ghosted. Do I even try to wait and continue this relationship? Am I the bad guy for contacting him? He had told me for the new couple of months he wouldn’t answer unless it was an emergency as he needed space to heal.

 

As much as I want to write him off as being a jerk.. he’s been depressed for the past month. The break up was spoken about for a couple weeks as when he first brought it up and I gave him space he came back saying how he is still head over heels for me and was literally crying on the phone saying he knows he’s going to need space to work himself out but doesn’t want to lose me. And if he doesn’t do this now he’s afraid it will get back to the point of him wanting to be dead daily and that he won’t be able to come back from it ( referencing a time in his life when he felt this way and lost himself prior to knowing him).Just being 100% vulnerable and emotional.

Our relationship has included this cycle of him fleeing the scene and being an avoidant, and I’m just questioning if he will ever be reliable and someone I can trust not to abandon me. We have broken up once before for a month and a half due to issues stemming from his anxious avoidant ways & when we got back together I thought he had actually figured it all out. It lasted for 4 months before he was in a numb state & kinda having a quarter life crisis. He is brutally honest so I know deep down he really is a mess right now.

What do you guys think? I know it’s a lot. I don’t want to end up unhappy forever, but I also know he has potential.

 

Would you wait on him? Would you cut all contact?

 

Also: we have been long distance for a few months and I was planning on moving out to his city regardless for work. But now I’m not so sure.

He then said he has no clue how long it will take for him to feel normal again, and made a comment of “well if it takes a year we have to be realistic about casual things” and how it’s different than loving and wanting to marry someone. Agree but also annoyed.

 

What did he mean by this? Casual dating with other people? Did you two have a conversation about that?

 

I think he's struggling but part of that may be a hesitation to really settle down and commit to you. You're both pretty young and have been together a while, in relative terms. It could be that he wants to explore a bit more. He might not have anyone specific in mind but it appear he's open to mingling, so to speak.

 

You also mention that you've broken up once before, and it sounds like it was due to similar issues. Two break-ups are the sign that for whatever number of reasons, a couple doesn't work together. Whether it's because of mental health issues or fading feelings on his part doesn't make much difference to the bottom line. It's unlikely that a third attempt would work out too well. Usually there are just too many issues to overcome by that point. I realize he's told you he still wants to get back together someday and get married, but that's just not a very realistic prospect when you've broken up with someone twice. I'm not sure if he's telling you these things because he naively believes them, or if it's just meant to keep you around in case he decides he wants to come back. Either way, the damage done by rupturing the relationship like this would make a future together very difficult..

 

I'm curious to hear what his plan of attack is, in terms of getting his mental health looked after? Has he booked an appointment with a doctor or counselor?

Sounds like a difficult situation. I’m just summarizing here, tell me if I’m off?

 

“I’m mentally and emotionally unavailable right now, so I’m cutting you off. I don’t want you to be with anyone else, but it is realistic for you to expect that I have ‘a casual thing.’ You can’t be mad though, because that’s different than love, and I love you so much that I have to completely stonewall you (this might take around one year) in order to really show you my love after I decide when that completely shut off time is over.”

 

Is that about right?

He kept saying he had no intentions of actually being in a relationship with someone. Sorry if I’m being confusing.. casual thing meaning sex. Which even that he seemed to only consider in the extreme case we are separated for an extended period of time. He also was saying he knew I would probably do the same if we were broken up for a year or more before he was sorted out.

He’s not a super sexual person nor requires much attention.. he’s very avoidant and doesn’t like getting close to people so I feel like he was more so saying that as a “ no clue how long this will take”. Also agreed to let me know if it came up. Hook ups don’t bother me too much as I get they’re not the same as a committed relationship. I’m more worried about the avoidant behavior and back and forth ways than anything.

Also worried about the compatibility as you mentioned. The only thing I can think is maybe that it’s due to us both being so young and also having gone through a lot together ( my mom passing).

 

But he does have narcissistic and Bipolar tenancies as well as avoidant which really, really concern be.

Sorry if I’m being confusing! He did say he just wanted a couple months or so of space. The year was an exaggeration of him saying the only way I would even hook up with someone is if we took a year or more off from the relationship and it would just be a hook up, not a relationship with someone I love/want to marry.

 

The stonewalling thing bothers me. He has always done it. It’s typical of avoidant people and also people that are bipolar. His therapist suggested he may be bipolar.. which would make a lot of sense.

I’ve had some say it’s a little narcissistic but he seems genuinely to be struggling and numbed out to the world. I’m not sure what to think.

Also- hope my first reply went under your response- but in terms of mental health he been speaking of getting back into therapy when the quarantine is lifted.

I may be acting a little too empathic but he’s always struggled mental health wise and always been this way so I’m just lost/confused

But he does have narcissistic and Bipolar tenancies as well as avoidant which really, really concern be.

 

As they should, OP.

 

I know you want to be sympathetic and that you love him. You sound like a very caring person with great intentions. The problem is that he's showing you he isn't committed at the same level you are. Yes, he needs to sort himself out. And it might indeed be the healthiest choice for him to do that on his own rather than continuing a relationship he simply cannot sustain. He knows he can't give you what you would like out of a relationship and doesn't want to hurt you when he does what comes naturally to him by shutting you out.

 

I would not wait for him, if I'm being honest. Having been around this block a couple times, I can tell you that at your respective ages and with two break-ups now, relationships like this rarely work out well. Repeated breaks are too damaging, and trying to caretake someone with emotional issues comes at a hefty price for you. You don't want to fall into the habit of justifying or rationalizing unhealthy habits, which I'm already seeing shades of in your post, even though I know you mean well. It will eventually be too much to keep stuffing down your own needs and you will one day wake up and realize how unhappy and unfulfilled you are in a relationship that is all about tending to the other's avoidant and depressive behaviour. It can't feel too good to have a boyfriend who backs away all the time and needs time away from you to get himself sorted. That just isn't sustainable and will deplete your own self-worth.

You’re very right about all of that.. I am an empath and have a hard time reading my own boundaries yet try to over sympathize with other’s (even if they’re unreasonable- such as implying he would like me to wait with no communication). I do think this may be what’s best for him, but it does put me in a position of feeling absolutely horrible and isn’t what’s best for me. His ways of shutting me out bring up a lot of abandonment issues for me and leave me feeling defeated. It’s also hard to go from him wanting to name our future kids one week, to a break up for an indefinite amount of time the next week.

When you say you’ve seen this behavior before- how did you deal with it? What worked for you or others to heal and understand the situation better? I have been reflecting on his inconsistency the past few weeks and I don’t think I could trust him again after this.. what’s to say he won’t just up and leave again? I know it’s not necessarily his fault- but it’s also not mine :(

I appreciate the replies so much.

His ways of shutting me out bring up a lot of abandonment issues for me and leave me feeling defeated. It’s also hard to go from him wanting to name our future kids one week, to a break up for an indefinite amount of time the next week.

Of course. It would be hard for anyone. It's very damaging to a relationship and renders anything healthy and long-lasting nearly impossible. This isn't the sort of thing you can build on.

 

When you say you’ve seen this behavior before- how did you deal with it? What worked for you or others to heal and understand the situation better?

Honestly, ending the relationship for good. I could see it left me compromising too many of my own needs and too much of my own well-being. It was pretty craptastic to feel like I couldn't rely on this person, not knowing when he'd retreat again. The inconsistency was too much and I was drained and getting resentful. I finally ended it and went No Contact. It's been years since I've seen or spoken to him, and I have no regrets. I moved on and am much happier for it. Last I heard (randomly through a mutual acquaintance), this man is now married but his behaviour hasn't really changed much. I wish him no ill will, I'm so glad it's no longer my problem. When you've had real time and space away from your ex, I suspect you will feel the same way. That will be particularly true when the day comes that you meet a guy who doesn't come with so many caveats and shows up for you - consistently - without so much strain on you.

So by the sounds of it.. there’s not a great chance he will change this behavior. I’m worried too that like you mentioned about your ex being married now & still doing the same things- that if we were to get back together and end up married he could just continue to same patterns and walk out on me and that point a family. I don’t want to risk it for myself or my future kids (hopefully one day), but it’s hard bc I know that when my mom passed I become a whole different person for about a year. I was very codependent and honestly a little toxic. I now am nothing close to that person and have grown and healed so much- but I’m not sure if it’s the same? In terms of if he will change.

Did your ex try to contact you when you went no contact? Anything that helped you prepare for if he did?

Also,

His grandma randomly checks in on me sometimes and called me the other day and mentioned he’s always been avoidant, since he was a tot.. which doesn’t help the situation much.

He grew up seeing failed marriages (twice on each side), and doesn’t seem to understand healthy relationships. I would love for him to heal but it seems like a huge risk and not fair to me, and it really has messed with my confidence. I used to be a lot more happy to lucky, always an over thinker but not like this. I know keep questioning myself and if I’m not enough.

So by the sounds of it.. there’s not a great chance he will change this behavior. I’m worried too that like you mentioned about your ex being married now & still doing the same things- that if we were to get back together and end up married he could just continue to same patterns and walk out on me and that point a family. I don’t want to risk it for myself or my future kids (hopefully one day), but it’s hard bc I know that when my mom passed I become a whole different person for about a year. I was very codependent and honestly a little toxic. I now am nothing close to that person and have grown and healed so much- but I’m not sure if it’s the same? In terms of if he will change.

Did your ex try to contact you when you went no contact? Anything that helped you prepare for if he did?

 

Only once, months after the break-up. I didn't reply. There was no point, since I was more than ready to let go and had no interest in rekindling things.

 

Your ex might change his behaviour. It's not impossible. However, I don't necessarily think that means you two would re-unite successfully. There is a lot of water already under this bridge and it's very difficult to put those pieces back together. It's not as though your could really just wipe the slate clean; your rocky history together will always be there.

 

Also, and I know you don't want to really think about it, I would prepare yourself for the very real possibility that he could meet someone else. I know he's told you it's not what he wants and he isn't looking for it, but that frequently doesn't hold much weight once the person is single and putting themselves out there. We often see dumpees here who are waiting around for their ex to be ready to reconnect, after having been promised much the same thing he's promised you, only to find out there is now a third party in their lives. I would thus treat this as a real break-up, which means both of you are now free to meet someone else. Exclusivity of any kind of to each other off the table at this point.

 

Remember that you're more than enough for someone. This guy is more than likely not the one you're going to wind up with, but the right guy won't constantly leave you so confused and questioning things.

honestly, regardless of his issues, he is asking too much of you.

 

You are young and free, take some time to heal your heart and go with your life and someone else.

 

This is not love. This is mental illness and manipulation.

 

If you do wait for him, he will never give you what you want because he gets you for doing NOTHING. There is no motivation to change this bizarre, sick behavior

 

Don't waste your youth on a head case. It will only get worse from here.

Sorry to hear this. You're right it's not fair to "wait". He's using the 'it's me, not you' reason. Is there someone else? The 'confused, need to find myself, etc.' reason often indicates someone is trying something else. Do not wait. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

A person who truly loves you will work on issues with your support, and will actively pursue getting better with you by their side. You don't have the life experience to know that you deserve a partner who doesn't regularly bail, and who will love you no-holds barred.

 

I did marry young, before I knew better, to a man who suffered from depression. It drained the spirit out of me to have to walk on eggshells. Not until I eventually divorced him did I learn to fully laugh again, so much so that it was strange to hear that noise come out of my mouth. I feel depressed just reading about your life with him. After my experience, I'd never recommend being in a relationship with anyone who hadn't agreed to counseling and medication to treat their mental illness, and who hadn't proven themselves to be able to stay that course for many, many years. My ex only stayed on the meds and went to counseling for 2 years the first time I threatened divorce. He went off of everything and got even worse than before. At that point, he'd killed all the love for him I previously had.

 

With time and distance, you will shake your head at why you weren't the one to break it off and that you actually wanted him back. What would I do in your shoes. Send him a message that for your own good and closure, that you will be blocking and deleting his contact numbers, and that you no longer wish for a future with him, but wish him well. And then don't even wait for his reply, because he's your past and his opinion no longer matters, and his reply might be mean or pleading, which you don't need.

 

Take at least a good year of being footloose and fancy free. Until you're happy solo and have worked on building your self esteem to what it should be, you won't be able to choose men who are actually good for you. You deserve better so make it happen. Good luck.

Never play therapist. He needs doctor and therapist if he's depressed, not a gf. Don't be at the end of his yo-yo and keep agreeing to on/off. Why allow this turbulence? Your relationship should not look like an ad for mood disorders. Empathy and martyrdom are not the same thing.

I may be acting a little too empathic but he’s always struggled mental health wise

What if he decides to walk right before the wedding? What if he decides he needs "space" after you're married and have 3 kids?

 

Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. You're right to be concerned.

 

One misconception I see frequently is people insisting they have to stay with or wait for someone because they "love" them, and that this person is the only one they'll ever love. False. You can find healthy love with someone else. You just have to decide you want and deserve a healthy, fulfilling and secure relationship.

I’m starting to think he really is sick after we spoke last night. He went from saying he wanted me to wait & to have a future- and us talking about all he was feeling the whole conversation and at the very end in some sad pathetic voice telling me not to wait on him and I don’t deserve that and he doesn’t deserve me waiting. He had been drinking (apparently has been more lately) and I said let’s talk about this when you’re sober and he just said no and that he was doing this for me and kept saying the phrase “ I’m sorry baby” to all my questions and saying we would never talk again and hung up and texted me “ I’m sorry but it’s better this way baby”. When he answered the phone after that text he said he was being honest about wanting a future together and everything and is saying this to try to do what’s best for me and not hurt me. LOL. He then ended up falling asleep and my last text to him was asking what he wanted and why he is being so cruel. I feel like he’s being a huge narcissist.

It sounds like he found someone else. Block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

I don’t deserve that and he doesn’t deserve me waiting.

He had been drinking

kept saying the phrase “ I’m sorry baby”

texted me “ I’m sorry but it’s better this way baby”.

I sadly have been pondering that reality. We talked last night and his behavior was so narcissistic and manipulative that I genuinely think he is sick. He kept going back and forth and trying to ask me to wait then playing the don’t wait on me you don’t deserve that and I don’t deserve someone to wait on me in a pathetic type of way. Saying things to make him seem like he cares about what’s best for me after selling me a whole different line. It was horribly cruel. Was also pretty tipsy/drunk- which is crazy considering I’ve never seen him drunk more than once in two and a half years. Made a joke about how he has been so loyal in terms of intimacy and a good dog has to be pet, then went on an apology about how he just likes getting a rise out of me and knows it would upset me and just likes messing with me & bc he is drunk thought it would be funny. Why would you use the one thing you know I’m worried about against me? ?

Whole time kept saying he basically wants a future and to end up together but can’t offer me stability right now and sometimes wishes he met me when he could. Starting to think that “could” isn’t real. Saying he knows he could be happy marrying me and so on but isn’t happy in himself right now and that I am.

 

Ended the convo with the most manipulative lines and going from we will never speak again to- I’m just saying this bc it’s what’s best for you to hear even though I still want those things. It was sick!

Thank you for this. It’s always on my mind. I’m worried it will never change and is why I’m trying to set up no contact with him. I can’t be the punching bag for his poor decisions and just not making decisions in general. He can’t seem to figure out any of his life and I know we are young, but he is old enough to not be this aloof. I think he may always be this way

Sadly no. I wish there was so I could chalk it up to that. He is genuinely just being manipulative and having some type of crisis. He’s been like this for a while.. I do think I may need to block him in order to cut him out of my life.

Very true. I need to cut contact. He needs a LOT of help.

Try to reflect on why you have been putting up with this for so long? Ask your parents to take you to a doctor/therapist to address and sort some things out. Is there trouble at home? Are you depressed? Do have low self-respect? You can examine all that with the help of a doctor/therapist.

Narcisistic and Bipolar are personality disorders. They never, ever go away. I think it would help to acknowledge that fact.

You keep referring to this as an opportunity to change his behavior. But this isn't a behavioral issue.

It's a disorder.

That with depression and avoidance?

I think he did you a favor by letting you go.