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Thread: My bf called me selfish

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Did he use the word "selfish"? Just curious, for context.

    Anyhow, what I'd try to doóassuming you guys are generally good, and this is a rough moment in a rough timeóis talk to him during a calm moment. I'd tell him that you know this is an extraordinarily hard timeófor you both, for everyoneóand that you want to feel like a team, not adversaries. Let him know that, when he puts forth this idea that you're selfish, or that this is all "easier" for you, that it makes you feel like adversaries. You appreciate what he's doing right now, but you're also doing a lot, and you need that seen, understood, and appreciated as well. Then you listen to what he says, and hopefully you guys can reset the scales a bit.

    My few cents, or at least how I'd personally address it before drawing a line in the sand where suddenly only your laundry is done, your meals cooked, and so on. I get that approach, I suppose, but I'm not sure how it leads to harmony without first creating more unrest for both of you during an already turbulent time.

    If nothing levels out? Well, then you start getting a bit more creative.

  2. #12
    Silver Member fixyou_'s Avatar
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    Yep, he said selfish. Interesting, because something similar happened a couple weeks ago and I said he was acting selfish. Guess itís a new hot word to use. I just feel like crap. I even tried smoothing things out and it made it worse because he isnít or doesnít want to recognize that what he said was hurtful and untrue.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Did he use the word "selfish"? Just curious, for context.

    Anyhow, what I'd try to doóassuming you guys are generally good, and this is a rough moment in a rough timeóis talk to him during a calm moment. I'd tell him that you know this is an extraordinarily hard timeófor you both, for everyoneóand that you want to feel like a team, not adversaries. Let him know that, when he puts forth this idea that you're selfish, or that this is all "easier" for you, that it makes you feel like adversaries. You appreciate what he's doing right now, but you're also doing a lot, and you need that seen, understood, and appreciated as well. Then you listen to what he says, and hopefully you guys can reset the scales a bit.

    My few cents, or at least how I'd personally address it before drawing a line in the sand where suddenly only your laundry is done, your meals cooked, and so on. I get that approach, I suppose, but I'm not sure how it leads to harmony without first creating more unrest for both of you during an already turbulent time.

    If nothing levels out? Well, then you start getting a bit more creative.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fixyou_
    Yep, he said selfish. Interesting, because something similar happened a couple weeks ago and I said he was acting selfish. Guess itís a new hot word to use. I just feel like crap. I even tried smoothing things out and it made it worse because he isnít or doesnít want to recognize that what he said was hurtful and untrue.
    Ooof.

    I don't know your history, which is to say I don't know how much this is "out of nowhere" or a more potent version of caveman qualities of his that have irked you for some time but were manageable when, you know, we humans weren't dealing with a global pandemic. If it's the former? Well, these are very trying times and I'm a believer that we owe people a lot of latitude during hard times. If it's the latter? Then you have some bigger thinking to do here. Is there any pattern here of him saying something hurtful to you but not "getting it" even when you explain you were hurt?

    This is just me, but if I ever found myself in a relationship where I was passive aggressively not washing a plate or putting something in the washing machine to "make a point" I'd know I was in a relationship that was over. I literally don't think that gear exists in my engine, just to be transparent about my bias. But, hey, maybe it exists in yours? If not, I'd still try to bring up the idea of wanting to be teammates and see if (a) you could have a chat about what that looks like for both of you and (b) see if that kind of chat leads to any progress.

    And just to be clear: while I know I'm championing the diplomats approach here, I am feeling for you right now. Working from home is not for everyone, and laundry, cooking, cleaning, and so on? That right there is back breaking stuff. I'm really sorry he's not able to see that right nowóand, for both your sakes, I do hope you can find a healthy way to defog his windshield.

  4. #14
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    Why are you doing everything? Why isn't he doing half? You have allowed him to walk all over you, and have become a complete doormat.

    'Things need to change around your house! This dude does not respect you.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by fixyou_
    Who knows. He would vacuum and mop the floors before I worked from home, but now since Iím home all the time, I guess itís on me. He asked if I wanted him to vacuum last weekend and I said no, because he had just come in from work and said he was exhausted.
    No. You have allowed this to happen.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by fixyou_
    I guess my concern is not wanting to play games. We have one laundry basket in the laundry room. Do I only take out my laundry and leave his? lol

    Not to mention Iím vegan and heís not, so I make two different meals each time.
    Why isn't he making his own food?

    He sounds very manipulative. How many times has stuff like this happened over the years?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 04-17-2020 at 10:02 PM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    It really sucks to not feel appreciated by your partner. Moving in together can be challenging in good times, but you guys have the added stress of this current situation.
    I feel like I can relate to some specific points here as when my partner and I moved in together, I was the meat eater with a physically demanding job, and he was a vegan with a mostly home based business. He did a lot of cooking for me, laundry, household tasks. We butted heads at one point about it, as he felt I was taking what he did for granted. And I was! Going from being on my own and doing everything with a more than full workload to getting treated like that, it was too easy to be lazy at home!
    What worked for us was a few good sit downs figuring out how to divy up tasks, making sure both of us would feel it was more fair. I learned to be more vocal in my appreciation too, as that meant ( still does ) a great deal to him.
    We cook more vegan meals than not, and if I want meat or cheese, I make it. This cuts the workload a lot and it doesn't hurt me to eat more veggies:)
    Laundry, we take turns. Same with some other shared work.
    Just saying, I'd try the diplomatic team mate approach first. We still to this day, if there's a disagreement, start off with emphasizing we are in it together and let's work the problem. It's been very helpful in avoiding an argumentative approach.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    It really sucks to not feel appreciated by your partner. Moving in together can be challenging in good times, but you guys have the added stress of this current situation.
    I feel like I can relate to some specific points here as when my partner and I moved in together, I was the meat eater with a physically demanding job, and he was a vegan with a mostly home based business. He did a lot of cooking for me, laundry, household tasks. We butted heads at one point about it, as he felt I was taking what he did for granted. And I was! Going from being on my own and doing everything with a more than full workload to getting treated like that, it was too easy to be lazy at home!
    What worked for us was a few good sit downs figuring out how to divy up tasks, making sure both of us would feel it was more fair. I learned to be more vocal in my appreciation too, as that meant ( still does ) a great deal to him.
    We cook more vegan meals than not, and if I want meat or cheese, I make it. This cuts the workload a lot and it doesn't hurt me to eat more veggies:)
    Laundry, we take turns. Same with some other shared work.
    Just saying, I'd try the diplomatic team mate approach first. We still to this day, if there's a disagreement, start off with emphasizing we are in it together and let's work the problem. It's been very helpful in avoiding an argumentative approach.
    Nice post.

    For some people living together is a pretty big stepóa way to see if, you know, this can be it. And even if it's viewed differently? It is still your life, being lived, so I suppose I'm saying this is a great time to remember to live it how you'd like and see if you can do that with and alongside someone.

    For some, that might mean war of diplomacy. For others it'll be diplomacy over war. And still others will wave the white flag and bow out. Not sure if there's a right answer, but I do like the above in as a case study in what diplomacy offers as foundation to handling conflict over combat.

  10. #19
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fixyou_
    ... he isnít or doesnít want to recognize that what he said was hurtful and untrue.
    OP, is this argument stemming from reactions/stress due to the pandemic or is this something that has been an ongoing issue for that past 4 years?

    I ask this because I agree with bluecastle. Times like these are tough and so if you love someone, you give them some flexibility and a bit more understanding. If 4 years in to this relationship, he's become more irritable then you may want to ask if its because he's being impacted by the pandemic. For instance, your fight sounds similar to a fight I had with my husband last week. Last week was stressful teleworking because I had two short notice deadlines that had to do with new grant $ for COVID-19 impacted businesses and bogged down with calls that kept sidetracking me. One of those days, the dog just kept pawing me to get my attention because it was passed 5pmish and being that he is a working dog breed, he was ready to go work. Husband got home and I thought "great! maybe he can help with the dog and I can finish this project." He snapped at me said he just had a grueling 10 hours shift because over time due to the pandemic. I snapped back about my deadline... before I knew it, we were yelling about all the x and y we do and have done since quarantine happened. It was a competition now and had nothing to do with diplomacy/support. Our dog literally tip toed(clawed) around us to go to his kennel! Any way long story short we both ended up apologizing. Think we both just needed some fresh air (yes we both begrudgingly took our dog out for his run).

    If this is an ongoing issue, you might want to wait until he's simmered down to talk to him.

  11. #20
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    I had a quick look at your posting history to get some more background info and there's numerous threads you've started about problems with your boyfriend.

    I'd be interested to hear what others think after having a look over some of the past threads. But from glancing over a few of them myself (I admit I didn't have time to read them all), I don't get the impression that this is a one-off blip in an otherwise harmonious relationship.

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