Short Term Relationship Advice

So basically back in December I met this guy. We met because our best friends had recently begun dating. We hit it off right away and had a connection that we both described as something special. In the beginning we had a lot of healthy talks about things like boundaries. The problem is that when he gets upset he will not talk to me. Now if there have been issues where he isn't angry, he is happy to talk them out. But when he is angry there is no getting through to him until he is no longer angry. He just wants space and then he comes back to talk when he is no longer angry. This wouldn't necessarily be a problem except for how he does this and the time he takes to do so. He once went an entire week without talking to me. I know that may not seem like a lot of time, but I like to talk things out and move on. Also he just stops responding in the middle of the discussion. So leaving me hanging for a whole week confused does not go over well with me.

After talking for around 3-4 months, we decided to call it quits due to poor timing. We both have a lot going on in our personal lives, mainly him. He has a lot of things he needs to get together in his life before he is any shape to date someone. Since he is now part of our friend group, we decided to stay friends with hopes of trying again in the future once his life is more together. Since then he and his best friend have moved in with my best friend.

Since breaking up with me, he has confessed that he is in love with me but we both agreed that things still can't work right now due to the fact that nothing has changed in his life yet. We remained on friendly terms talking every other day or so in a friendly non-flirty way.

Recently an incident happened where someone I was close friends with has decided she wanted to sleep with him behind my back. She lied and manipulated me for months into thinking that she could never be interested in him and that she basically did not think he was a good person or attractive enough for me. He had tried to tell me she was hitting on him after we broke up but I kind of brushed it off because I trusted her. Then I saw proof of where she was asking a mutual friend how she could pull this off behind my back. I confronted her about this and she tried to deny it. We are no longer friends. My ex does work for her now though. He needed a job and does not have a car (few of the many ways he needs to improve his life so we can be together) and she offered to give him a job at her store and give him rides everyday since they live close to each other. This was all set up prior to all the drama that happened. Since our falling out she has lied to him and told him I'm a liar and that I've said all these terrible things about him behind his back. He probably would not believe her so much if we had not already been on thin ice due to an argument about something else. I did vent to this friend frequently, but never said anything to attack his character or anything other than complaining about minor issues. I did make one negative comment about him that she decided to share, but out of context. It infuriated him even though I didn't say it how she stated I did.

When he first found out he told me to never contact him again. She had lied to him and said I was dating other people (I'm not). She told him I said all these horrible things about him (I didn't). We got into a heated argument that ended in him calling me. We had a 2 hour conversation about the situation and other issues between us. He was upset I talked to other people about our business and he stated he felt I didn't trust him. He also said he is absolutely livid at the situation. He doesn't talk when he is angry, he likes to heal on his own then come back in his own time. At the end of the conversation he said he would call me later. He never did.

That was over a week ago. That night I sent him one message apologizing for my part in the situation and telling him to take whatever time he needs and when he's ready I'll talk. After a week of hearing nothing I decided to reach out to him and ask if thought there was any chance at all of working things out or if he was moving on. I just wanted to know if I should hold out hope or start moving on. He never responded. I ran into him when dropping something off at my friend's place where he lives. I didn't want to visit her because I knew he would be there. But she assured me it would be okay, that we are still best friends and him living there doesn't change that and I shouldn't have to hide away from her because of him that we could just avoid each other. He didn't talk directly to me, but at all of us (my friend, her boyfriend, me) just kind of friendly and asking what we were up to. I ignored and let them respond to him. We avoided each other the entire time and he stayed in a different room.

I am upset because he will not just tell me what he's thinking. My friend says he probably needs more time and space given how mad he is and it's likely he doesn't have an answer for me because he doesn't know what he wants. That I should just move on and if he wants to talk to me he will. and I know thats logically the best thing to do is just focus on me. And I think sadly I will have to avoid seeing my best friend for awhile due to all of this. Things were just so weird in person and he showed no signs of distress or wanting to talk about the situation at all. But will he ever come back around? I don't feel like this is an issue that can't be reconciled, but is it? I don't want to hold out hope, but I know that I am... I know we still can't be together right now, but I do hold out hope we could work in the future once all this settles and things in our respective lives are fixed. I feel like we need to talk through this situation, but he doesn't feel the need to and I don't know which is the right thing to do. I have no clue if he has just completely dropped all feelings for me and any hope for a future or not. and I don't want to be the only one who hopefully believes it can work out.

Hard to sympathize with any party in this story. Not to dismiss him or your friend, but being it's you posting here, pretty much all of this would be avoidable if you butt out of people's private sex / romantic lives and recognize an overcooked steak when you see one. You seem to feed off drama, so try not to mistake a very short relationship wherein you're having frequently conversations about boundaries and he has a very clear pattern of needing space from you as "something special." It would seem he's come around to the realization while you're overdue to come to it yourself.

I can't tell you what adjustments to make to your social circle, but I'd take the advice of focusing on you and forgetting about any future possibility with him. Do what you have to do to assert your own space and heal.

Between the anger, silent treatment, his 'life not being together' and sleeping with your friends, you should be thrilled this moody-broody snake is out of your life. Cut him off completely.🐍

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. You need some new friends as well as better standards for dating guys. If you want to talk, talk to trusted adults who you can rely on. Talk to a therapist, but stop chasing this jerk. Explore why you are attracted to angry promiscuous bad boys who treat you poorly.

he is angry there is no getting through to him until he is no longer angry.

He has a lot of things he needs to get together in his life before he is any shape to date someone.

I was close friends with has decided she wanted to sleep with him behind my back.

@j.man I never butted into anyone’s romantic/sex life so I’m not sure where you reached that conclusion. And we never have big issues where I’ve started drama over nothing. It’s been very few and far between, but the few times we have had issues, he’s needed space to cool down. He is like that with everyone and not just me, I have seen it first hand. You are right about focusing on me and asserting myself though.

@wiseman2 Thank you. I actually have reached out to a therapist because this is something I struggle with. He did not sleep with my friend, he is actually the one who told me she was trying to sleep with him behind my back all while she was lying to me about it. But you are oh so right about all of the other things. I should just move on.

Hmmmm well it doesn't actually sound like this was working out. Also I agree that getting the silent treatment is very off putting. Nobody likes to be completely ignored by someone they're dating for a week. I personally think that his style of resolving things is not very good. I understand people can be angry and may need to cool off. But that shouldn't take a week. Taking a whole week to cool off actually sounds like he may be someone that really holds grudges. At the end of the day it's also important to date someone where your communication styles work well together. I'm personally a very honest and upfront person and I also prefer to work things out straight away. If I was having a conversation with my partner and all of sudden they dropped out the conversation and they ignored me for a week, I would be pretty annoyed.

Also keep in mind that if you guys broke up, he probably did feel rejected and also thought he's free to do whatever he wants. Your ex friend sounds like an absolutely horrible human being and I hope you'll never give her a chance to be friends again. However if you and the guy are over technically he can see other people. Sounds like your break-up was very vague and you didn't actually discuss what you both wanted to happen. You keep hoping you'll get back together but what was actually discussed?

So you said to him let's get back together when he gets his life in order. But it might be a really long time before he does that. Are you willing to just keep waiting around for him? Also when you're dating someone, you need to accept them as they are. Most people won't actually change and even if they do, not drastically. Their core personality will always be the same. E.g. his passive aggressive silent treatment behaviour.

Trust me I've been there and I wasted two years on people who had deal breakers. I told them: "I'm not happy about XYZ and you need to change it". And guess what? After two years nothing changed at all. That's because people are who they are and they won't be different. If you don't like things about him now, chances are those things will always be there. He might buy a car but that doesn't mean his other personality traits will just magically improve. You shouldn't want to change your partner. If you want them to change then it means you're actually not happy with who they are.

Hmmmm well it doesn't actually sound like this was working out. Also I agree that getting the silent treatment is very off putting. Nobody likes to be completely ignored by someone they're dating for a week. I personally think that his style of resolving things is not very good. I understand people can be angry and may need to cool off. But that shouldn't take a week. Taking a whole week to cool off actually sounds like he may be someone that really holds grudges. At the end of the day it's also important to date someone where your communication styles work well together. I'm personally a very honest and upfront person and I also prefer to work things out straight away. If I was having a conversation with my partner and all of sudden they dropped out the conversation and they ignored me for a week, I would be pretty annoyed.

 

Also keep in mind that if you guys broke up, he probably did feel rejected and also thought he's free to do whatever he wants. Your ex friend sounds like an absolutely horrible human being and I hope you'll never give her a chance to be friends again. However if you and the guy are over technically he can see other people. Sounds like your break-up was very vague and you didn't actually discuss what you both wanted to happen. You keep hoping you'll get back together but what was actually discussed?

 

So you said to him let's get back together when he gets his life in order. But it might be a really long time before he does that. Are you willing to just keep waiting around for him? Also when you're dating someone, you need to accept them as they are. Most people won't actually change and even if they do, not drastically. Their core personality will always be the same. E.g. his passive aggressive silent treatment behaviour.

 

Trust me I've been there and I wasted two years on people who had deal breakers. I told them: "I'm not happy about XYZ and you need to change it". And guess what? After two years nothing changed at all. That's because people are who they are and they won't be different. If you don't like things about him now, chances are those things will always be there. He might buy a car but that doesn't mean his other personality traits will just magically improve. You shouldn't want to change your partner. If you want them to change then it means you're actually not happy with who they are.

I am also very upfront and prefer to work things out immediately and move on. The only reason I've put up with this behavior is because I care about him and try to empathize with how he's feeling and let him work through things on his own since that's what he prefers. And I don't mind if he sees other people. I even told him I don't care if he sees other people, talks to other people, etc. through this "break" or whatever it is because he is single and owes me nothing. I don't think he really liked me saying that though. He's been very open to me and those around us that if he were going to be with anyone right now it would be me. He has also made it a point to tell me that he's rejected people since we've been apart. I never asked for this information or any information on his personal life other than just how he's been doing. I never wanted to split up, it was him that initiated it. He felt bad because he said he couldn't focus on the relationship with everything else going on and he felt like he didn't have anything to offer me right now. He said he would like to try again when he felt more stable in other aspects of his life. I didn't want to be selfish so I told him that was the right thing to do and that I wasn't upset for him choosing to take care of himself. We both stated we weren't looking for other people during this time, but I never asked him to agree to that. I was okay with keeping minimal contact and doing whatever we wanted during this time, but he reached out after not hearing from me for a couple weeks after and he wanted to keep in contact so we agreed to be friendly. But you are right that he has some personality traits that he needs to work on or it will never work. Really the only thing that bothers me is the silent treatment. But I have a hard time giving up on people. I am constantly just trying to look at things from both points of view and so I never know if I'm overreacting to his silence or if it's justified given everything that has happened. And a lot of negative things have happened recently so I'm sure since we're not together he just doesn't see a point in working the situation out. I know I shouldn't hold out hope that things can work out one day, but I definitely am... I know that may change with time, it's just hard.

This guy is not a catch, that's for sure.

I know its tough to deal with the silent treatment. I think the only thing you can do is stop being so nice about it & tolerating his bad, rude, & immature.behaviour.

If he's not talking to you, just dont talk to him and when he decides to talk to you, ignore him. See how a bully likes a taste of his own medicine.

The excuse "that's just how he is" won't hold up as you get older and you realize you do not have to accept garbage people. People who have an actual life with careers, friends, relationships etc, know that you can't just expect people to deal with their quirks, especially when they are hurtful.

No surprise he had no job, no car, has to live with another couple... of then he sleeps with his would be boss. this is all trash behavior.... as they say par for the course it sounds like....

i dated a hot head and it was the worst. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I can't be with someone all po'd all the time. Just way to draining....

As for BFF... Never let someone intimidate you from being with her.

I agree with the rest here, you can do better. Try to divert your thoughts to other people and things. If and when his life situation improves, then perhaps you can give it another try. Situation is way too messy. Please move on.