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Thread: Living with Sister

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok stop monitoring, trying to change, recording and generally antagonizing her. Just stay in your own lane and get out of the line of fire. Who cares what she's like? Just steer clear.
    i am extremely analytical and observant and that's a huge problem that i try to fix by staying alone. but literally as i am typing, she is talking to me from her room. and she is the type of person who pays attention to who is paying attention to her. so my replies get analyzed instantly and she knows i'm not listening. there is no nice way of telling her to stop, trust me i tried everything which is why i resorted to being alone and isolating myself in my room. when she is in the living room, i get up and leave physically removing myself. what else can i do?

  2. #12
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    so for everyone reading this, i am working on a more "permanent" solution but that'll take time. at this age, i cannot stay at home anymore and about a year ago decided i need to stop my social life in order to save money so i can buy a little apartment somewhere else and move. which is really sad, but this is the only way i see that will keep the sibling relationship from falling apart. i do care about her, but i just can't tolerate her comments, behaviour, instructions, attention-seeking..my mom and i tried so many times to tell her some of the things she does or the way she thinks need work, but she just won't listen to be honest.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Dysfunction like this involves everyone. Step out stop ganging up on her. She is wise not to listen to either of you. Leave each other alone.
    Originally Posted by lancelot873
    my mom and i tried so many times to tell her some of the things she does or the way she thinks need work, but she just won't listen to be honest.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Dysfunction like this involves everyone. Step out stop ganging up on her. She is wise not to listen to either of you. Leave each other alone.
    not wise, stubborn. this is not your judgement call as you know nothing about her. and i just said i literally remove myself from the room and try to avoid her as much as i can. maybe you should read the post again bud.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Dysfunction like this involves everyone. Step out stop ganging up on her. She is wise not to listen to either of you. Leave each other alone.
    and if you're thinking of replying to my last post, ask yourself this (if you read the first post), why does she not have a BF/married at 33 (or even had a BF, ever)? my mom and i try to help her work on her issues, so don't be telling me family advice, Wiseman.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just trying to talk you off the ledge during this crazy confinement time. Keep in mind this cabin fever thing makes everything worse for everyone.
    Originally Posted by lancelot873
    i just said i literally remove myself from the room and try to avoid her as much as i can.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lancelot873
    that's a good point, i do treat her like an adult and i am not automatically hostile against her. however, the longer the conversation goes between us, more chances of her saying things or behaving in a way that i consider to be childish or immature. i start with treating her like an adult, then she does childish things, or says childish things in response and it ticks me off to see my sister, at her age, is behaving this way. so i try to correct her politely and she rejects furiously. she is on the stubborn side. granted everyone has a degree of stubbornness.
    You'd serve both of you better if you learned to be more accepting of who she is, rather than focusing on things you think she needs to change. She is a grown woman after all and you'd be hard pressed trying to re-parent her at this point. Besides, it's not your job.

    Embrace the differences, even if you don't approve of them. Just because you are a certain way, doesn't make it right. It just makes it different.

    I get she's not your cup of tea. That goes for a lot of people. Personally, I'd distance myself and give up the power struggles over silly things like the blinds. It would just make my life much more peaceful.

    Read a book, put in some ear bud and listen to podcasts. Go for a walk. Be kind whenever possible. It goes a long way, especially during a difficult time that two people who are opposites are forced to be together.

    There is no harm in respectfully telling her that you aren't up to having lengthy conversations

    Kindness begets kindness
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 04-16-2020 at 05:15 PM.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your goal here should be to maintain peace. I'm in the same boat with several people in my life such as relatives and in-laws in particular. I don't even like several of them despite being family members. We get together at random and major holidays especially prior to COVID-19 pandemic (lock down / self-quarantine). We've had our rows years ago and fortunately, everyone has since simmered down. However, it was a real PERMANENT deal breaker for me. Once I discover a person's true unsavory colors (character), something inside me got up and left forever. People disappoint me if there is something "off" with them. They don't ring true. They're insincere, unkind, disrespectful, rude, flippant, glib, obnoxious, gaslight me to death and I've heard and seen it all in my lifetime. It was despicable experiences.

    I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people were not meant to get along in the first place due to insurmountable personality and character differences. No amount of wishes, will, therapy nor professional help will fix it. It's like a wound that continues to fester the more you try to make it work. It's like a cancer in the relationship. Therefore, in order to have control back in my life, all I do is maintain peace.

    The way to maintain peace is to remove your emotions out of your brain as emotions cloud your judgment. Remain civil, polite, well mannered, respectful, keep your words brief and concise and never become tempted to stoop low as the person whom you're dealing with. Rise above it and keep your cool. Don't engage in stupidity. Learn to exit the conversation swiftly, walk away and end it DIPLOMATICALLY. This is how I am with anyone who doesn't show class and grace. You're the one who has to control yourself and your life and you're the one who has to conduct yourself with dignity and integrity. You're the one who has to take the higher road and be the bigger person. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

    Remember, peace is your only ultimate goal to accomplish everyday with everyone whether you live with them or not. Enforce healthy boundaries with everyone in your life. Rise above it.

    Never feel defeated. Get smarter and become a prudent, shrewd, piercingly astute person. This is how you take control back into your life. Don't be sad. Become intelligent.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Well said Cherylyn.
    Your peace isn't contingent and making her change to suit you.
    Your peace will come with acceptance, grace and letting go of things you don't have control of.
    It won't fix everything but it might help make things tolerable.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by lancelot873
    so for instance i like to leave my PS3 controller on the coffee table, she takes liberty in moving it to the TV stand. growing up, she never let anyone touch any item of hers. so why does she touch other peoples'?

    or the blinds, i like to keep the living room private as in i don't like people peeking in and see what i'm doing. (we live in a new development area and fencing is still not done). she always keeps the room lit and i have to remind her of why i do it, and she just makes fun of me, saying what "privacy"?
    I will say that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. That said, I think you should not make a mountain out of a molehill regarding some things. For example, what the heck is the big deal with her moving your PS3 controller to the coffee table??? I mean, let's get real here. You're both adults and you're both acting like children. Don't you agree? I'm not taking her side but that is no biggie, IMHO.

    I with you on the blind issue. But, instead of fighting, ask her if she would consider closing the blinds for a little while during the day or night, whatever the case might be. Consider whether an issue is worth fighting over.

    She has a right to her opinion and so do you. Don't impose your values on her. Do not speak in anger. If she makes a nasty remark, don't retaliate with a negative or nasty response. Try to keep a calm tone. I know this is hard to do but if you don't, it will increase stress levels and put people on the defensive. When you listen too someone and acknowledge their side, it does not mean that you are caving. Perhaps try and ask her what she thinks regarding a particular situation. Remember, it's not about being right or winning the fight. Good luck, and stay safe.

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