Some advice

Hello

Me again...

Thank you so much for previous advice, I'm trying to use it as much as possible.

I just wanted to let you know where I'm at so people may be able to advise best next moves.

On Saturday it will be 7 weeks since we split and 5 since we last spoke.

I'm still missing her a great deal and after finding out she was on a dating site etc it feels like I've taken a step back.

I really want her to be happy but deep down I want that happiness to be with me. Sure, we had our differences but I understood her. I knew her issues. I sympathised and as she kept saying, "loved like nobody else ever has"

I, for some reason keep holding out hope that my phone will ring and it'll be her or that I'll get a text just saying hello. It hasn't happened and it's hurting a lot.

I don't want to be thinking of her all the time and I know I should look at what didn't work rather than just the good times but I genuinely felt this was the person I would be with forever no matter what life threw at us.

I'm also finding myself contemplating how I find someone else. My esteem has hit rock bottom. I'm 40 this year, I live in a 1bedroom flat and I have 2 kids (they live with their mum) I feel I don't have much to offer anyone anymore whereas my ex fully appreciated my situation.

I put myself on a couple of dating websites and have had no matches, no messages, no likes despite me trying to initiate conversation etc.

I don't know how to progress

It'll take a good 4 to 6 months to heal and be able to move on. That is, if you stop checking on her, which you've done since you found out she's on a dating site. The right person will never let you go. Not even once. So block her number so that you're not delaying closure by keeping hope alive that she'll contact you. She dumped you once, and past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Once the newness wore off, she'd likely do it again, since she didn't care enough to work on issues together the first time around, and chose to bail instead.

Don't use a dating site as a band-aid to distract yourself from your pain. For one thing, it's not fair to another woman for you to be wasting her time when you're still hung up on an ex. For another thing, you won't be able to bond to a new woman when again, you're emotionally still connected to an ex. Thirdly, it's best to meet with a match within 2 weeks, and this won't be possible with COVID 19. You don't want to be wasting time connecting with someone and investing enormous amounts of time to only let it fall flat when meeting, which often happens. And when you don't feel like you have anything to offer, your low self esteem will have you attracting manipulators and inappropriate women, and you will subconsciously accept them because that's all you think you deserve in life.

Use this solo time wisely to work on yourself until you get to a better place mentally. Many people have a second chance mid-life to find their forever love, being older and wiser with a lot of life experience they've learned from. I know it happened that way to me. Good luck.

It'll take a good 4 to 6 months to heal and be able to move on. That is, if you stop checking on her, which you've done since you found out she's on a dating site. The right person will never let you go. Not even once. So block her number so that you're not delaying closure by keeping hope alive that she'll contact you. She dumped you once, and past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Once the newness wore off, she'd likely do it again, since she didn't care enough to work on issues together the first time around, and chose to bail instead.

 

Don't use a dating site as a band-aid to distract yourself from your pain. For one thing, it's not fair to another woman for you to be wasting her time when you're still hung up on an ex. For another thing, you won't be able to bond to a new woman when again, you're emotionally still connected to an ex. Thirdly, it's best to meet with a match within 2 weeks, and this won't be possible with COVID 19. You don't want to be wasting time connecting with someone and investing enormous amounts of time to only let it fall flat when meeting, which often happens. And when you don't feel like you have anything to offer, your low self esteem will have you attracting manipulators and inappropriate women, and you will subconsciously accept them because that's all you think you deserve in life.

 

Use this solo time wisely to work on yourself until you get to a better place mentally. Many people have a second chance mid-life to find their forever love, being older and wiser with a lot of life experience they've learned from. I know it happened that way to me. Good luck.

Thank you for this. I wasn't checking up on her to find her on a dating site. It's a bit of an odd story... I got an email from a site I used years ago saying I had a message. I thought it was odd so logged in to see, only to find out it was advertising a premium package. Through pure coincidence a pic of m yec was at the top of the page. Curiously I clicked it and found she was online looking for a relationship.

Through pure coincidence a pic of m yec was at the top of the page. Curiously I clicked it and found she was online looking for a relationship.

Sometimes I think guardian angels are at work, showing us what we need to know, to guide us on the path we need to go. This message clearly states you should head down a new path, instead of trekking down the path you've already tried.

Take heart... the world has stopped... you're probably not going to meet anyone while this is going on and that has nothing to do with you specifically.

I think the main barrier being, until you can meet in person, its all just chit-chat and phone buddies, which isn't appealing to a lot of people.

The good news for you is-- no pressure. take care of yourself. Don't put yourself or your living arrangement down. Its ok to live in a small apartment. It actually makes complete financial sense, if you live alone, to live in an apartment or to rent... It gives you more freedom in many ways.

I read somewhere, that when you feel judged, that is actually you judging yourself.

You know what you have been through and the decisions you've had to make. if you are comfortable with those decisions, then give yourself a break.

If you're not, then start there. Not what you could have done, but what can you do now?

Thats all that matters... where you go from here. Make your self- dialogue productive and positive, you'll get through this. You'll meet someone else someday... Its all just part of your journey.

Congratulations on holding to no contact. It’s NORMAL for it to be difficult for a few months, but has proven in the collective experience and wisdom of those who have practiced it to be the most effective healer around.

I’m a divorced father of two as well. I started in a studio apartment when I first left my ex-wife; I know how easy it is to judge your insides by other people’s outsides, but you sound smarter than to truly buy into that self-defeating chatter. Not at a deep, soul level anyway.

What you’re experiencing is not out of the ordinary...in fact you are right where you’re supposed to be! My hope for you is that as much as possible you’re able to view this epidemic as an opportunity to slow down and genuinely rediscover your innermost self. Free from the distractions of the lightning pace of ordinary life and dating.

Trust in your mojo, man! Stay the course and know that you’ve got people you’ve never even met cheering for you!

“We do not change all of the patterns of our thought in a moment. Rather, it takes place little by little, until gradually the old thought patterns become transformed into new ones by some inner alchemy of the mind, the operation of which we do not see but the manifestation of which we do experience.”

Excerpt From

365 Science of Mind

Ernest Holmes

Congratulations on holding to no contact. It’s NORMAL for it to be difficult for a few months, but has proven in the collective experience and wisdom of those who have practiced it to be the most effective healer around.

 

I’m a divorced father of two as well. I started in a studio apartment when I first left my ex-wife; I know how easy it is to judge your insides by other people’s outsides, but you sound smarter than to truly buy into that self-defeating chatter. Not at a deep, soul level anyway.

 

What you’re experiencing is not out of the ordinary...in fact you are right where you’re supposed to be! My hope for you is that as much as possible you’re able to view this epidemic as an opportunity to slow down and genuinely rediscover your innermost self. Free from the distractions of the lightning pace of ordinary life and dating.

 

Trust in your mojo, man! Stay the course and know that you’ve got people you’ve never even met cheering for you!

 

“We do not change all of the patterns of our thought in a moment. Rather, it takes place little by little, until gradually the old thought patterns become transformed into new ones by some inner alchemy of the mind, the operation of which we do not see but the manifestation of which we do experience.”

Excerpt From

365 Science of Mind

Ernest Holmes

Thanks.

Your advice has always been so good.

I think for me, personally, I know I should take it at my own pace but as I know she is on the dating site it makes me feel worse.

Knowing that someone that was so loving towards me, so flirty with me and so engaging with me can now be trying to do the same with others.

I know statistically women get more messages than guys on these sites so knowing that she will be getting lots of options also makes me feel rubbish.

I remember when we got together she mentioned guys on sites would often be quite forward which she found annoying but she liked the fact guys found her attractive and some would end up being ones she would pursue if they weren't too creepy etc. So knowing her spare time at the moment could be getting spent chatting with guys that replace me makes me feel so

Yeah I hear you. Letting go is not easy. If you were holding a hot coal and asking me for my opinion I would tell you to “just let it go,” but if you then asked me how? Well if I’m honest I’d be at a loss. I can say open your hand, but only you know how to relax your grip...

In my own life oftentimes pain is the touchstone of my growth. I don’t let go until that coal burns so bad I can’t take it anymore...so if you’re like me I sympathize, man.

Taking things as they come and letting go as things leave is a lifelong practice...but you are a leg up on most folks in that you are not distracting yourself and sweeping things under the rug, you’re sitting in the awareness of it all and actively questioning your mindset and approach to healing and growing. Well played.

Best wishes!!

You have a lot to offer. I am building a successful s/w dev career and I'm hung up over a guy who lost his job and became a safeway night stocker. He dumped me twice. First the relationship, second the friendship.

I'm still reeling from the pain, the hurt, and need to forgive everything, but I'm proof that I accept people from all walks of life and the personality is where it matters most.

I think the first step is simply to go out there and be with friends. Have a wide social circle. Talk with other people. When covid lifts, join meetups.

You have a lot to offer. I am building a successful s/w dev career and I'm hung up over a guy who lost his job and became a safeway night stocker. He dumped me twice. First the relationship, second the friendship.

 

I'm still reeling from the pain, the hurt, and need to forgive everything, but I'm proof that I accept people from all walks of life and the personality is where it matters most.

 

I think the first step is simply to go out there and be with friends. Have a wide social circle. Talk with other people. When covid lifts, join meetups.

Thanks for your reply.

I think I'm stuck in all honesty. I spend a lot of my day thinking of her and wondering if she thinks of me. I wonder whether our relationship ever comes into her head or whether she is chatting to new guys on the dating app and as a result I've become just another ex, rather than the guy I believed I was for her.

I have questions that are unanswered and feelings that hurt.

Knowing she has a fair few exs compared to me I feel I was just some other guy now, whereas when we were together we openly discussed marriage, kids etc and that made me feel like I was the one for her.

I know lockdown means she may not be actually meeting anybody but the fact she may be having flirty conversations, and viewing potential matches just makes me feel worthless as for me it seems too soon, or maybe I'm just too weak with things like this and 7 weeks is actually a decent amount of time to look again and I'm just being petty.

Thanks for your reply.

 

I think I'm stuck in all honesty. I spend a lot of my day thinking of her and wondering if she thinks of me. I wonder whether our relationship ever comes into her head or whether she is chatting to new guys on the dating app and as a result I've become just another ex, rather than the guy I believed I was for her.

I have questions that are unanswered and feelings that hurt.

Knowing she has a fair few exs compared to me I feel I was just some other guy now, whereas when we were together we openly discussed marriage, kids etc and that made me feel like I was the one for her.

I know lockdown means she may not be actually meeting anybody but the fact she may be having flirty conversations, and viewing potential matches just makes me feel worthless as for me it seems too soon, or maybe I'm just too weak with things like this and 7 weeks is actually a decent amount of time to look again and I'm just being petty.

Those attachments that enabled us to rise from a source of evolutionary protein for bigger faster and stronger predators now causes us great pain struggle and confusion in today's environment. You are so very far from alone in this.

And trust me when I tell you these words are not just for u.

Many relationships start like this:

the guy I believed I was for her.

I've become just another ex,

Many relationships start like this:And end like this:

Yeah. Very true.

Could I ask a question though....

With her being on the dating site and me not ready for that kind of thing yet in all honesty. Would that be in, your opinion, that she has been able to get over things at a normal pace and I'm just being a little slow/sensitive, or would she have been getting over it prior to ending it with me??

With her being on the dating site and me not ready for that kind of thing yet in all honesty. Would that be in, your opinion, that she has been able to get over things at a normal pace and I'm just being a little slow/sensitive, or would she have been getting over it prior to ending it with me??

Usually it's the latter, from the dumper's perspective.

You're not being too slow or sensitive. You didn't want to break up; she did, and thus she seems further ahead in the healing process. Your timelines for grieving are not the same, as they almost never are between two people when the break-up wasn't exactly mutual. It's not usually a sudden decision for the dumper, even if they showed no real obvious signs of fading feelings or detachment. They therefore appear to be moving on more quickly even though the truth is that many have already processed the end of a relationship before they actually break it off.

It's not a competition about who got over who faster or a race about who moved on faster. Stop pondering this.

Y Would that be in, your opinion, that she has been able to get over things at a normal pace and I'm just being a little slow/sensitive, or would she have been getting over it prior to ending it with me??

It's not a competition about who got over who faster or a race about who moved on faster. Stop pondering this.

Oh I know it's not, I just meant do people think I'm drawing this out longer than necessary and am not getting over this in the right way or even at all.

Maybe she dealt with it the correct way and that's where I would like to be as it certainly looks like she's not wanting me back!

There is no right or wrong way, my friend, no "correct" or "incorrect." People break up, they hurt, they deal with that hurt however they see fit, and get past it on whatever timeline is true to them. That was the case two thousand years ago and is the case today.

That said? This obsessing and comparing and competing is unlikely to bring you much peace, as you seem to logically know. Maybe to understand it on a more cellular level you just need to be in this ruminating spot for...well, for as long as you need to be. Your process: what is correct for you, at this juncture in your life.

But if you need some cold water on your face, I'd challenge yourself to look at it like this: about 95 percent of your present spins can be attributed to corporate interests and internet culture—specifically, an email from a company that enriches a few people by providing a service for dating. In just a slightly different context, you could be writing about how she bought a Porsche—you saw it on Insta!—and now you're wondering if you're "wrong" for driving the old Toyota.

There is no right or wrong way, my friend, no "correct" or "incorrect." People break up, they hurt, they deal with that hurt however they see fit, and get past it on whatever timeline is true to them. That was the case two thousand years ago and is the case today.

 

That said? This obsessing and comparing and competing is unlikely to bring you much peace, as you seem to logically know. Maybe to understand it on a more cellular level you just need to be in this ruminating spot for...well, for as long as you need to be. Your process: what is correct for you, at this juncture in your life.

 

But if you need some cold water on your face, I'd challenge yourself to look at it like this: about 95 percent of your present spins can be attributed to corporate interests and internet culture—specifically, an email from a company that enriches a few people by providing a service for dating. In just a slightly different context, you could be writing about how she bought a Porsche—you saw it on Insta!—and now you're wondering if you're "wrong" for driving the old Toyota.

Excellent example!

I just want to be around her as we had such a great time together! It really bothers me that she simply said she feels "the spark has gone" and didn't appear to do anything to get it back!

Excellent example!

I just want to be around her as we had such a great time together! It really bothers me that she simply said she feels "the spark has gone" and didn't appear to do anything to get it back!

Dude, nobody owes you a relationship. Nobody owes you to work on things. When someone decides it's over, respect it, heal, move on. Most importantly, respect their decision.

Also, own what this relationship was about - your ego. She showered you with compliments as did her family. You are special, so special, so different from all the other schmucks she was dating. Burns to find out you are just another schmuck. A lot of this is not about her or your relationship, but rather your own lack of self esteem, lack of self worth post divorce. In your mind you are that guy living in an apartment, a loser, BUT that's you feeding that bs to yourself and all her compliments made you feel special, different. You found a broken woman and you get her, you are there for her, the martyr and the knight in shining armor. Except turns out she can actually move on, she doesn't need you the way you imagined. There is so much unhealthy on your end that you need to unpack and work on. This whining and obsessing has nothing to do with losing a healthy relationship or even an unhealthy relationship. This is you tying your self worth to being in a relationship and making yourself feel like someone special using that. Healthy relationships are not built on this kind of bs dude. Get your head screwed on straight. I mean it.

I've dated divorced guys. Never crossed my mind to judge them for living in an apartment post divorce. Get that through your skull.

Dude, nobody owes you a relationship. Nobody owes you to work on things. When someone decides it's over, respect it, heal, move on. Most importantly, respect their decision.

 

Also, own what this relationship was about - your ego. She showered you with compliments as did her family. You are special, so special, so different from all the other schmucks she was dating. Burns to find out you are just another schmuck. A lot of this is not about her or your relationship, but rather your own lack of self esteem, lack of self worth post divorce. In your mind you are that guy living in an apartment, a loser, BUT that's you feeding that bs to yourself and all her compliments made you feel special, different. You found a broken woman and you get her, you are there for her, the martyr and the knight in shining armor. Except turns out she can actually move on, she doesn't need you the way you imagined. There is so much unhealthy on your end that you need to unpack and work on. This whining and obsessing has nothing to do with losing a healthy relationship or even an unhealthy relationship. This is you tying your self worth to being in a relationship and making yourself feel like someone special using that. Healthy relationships are not built on this kind of bs dude. Get your head screwed on straight. I mean it.

 

I've dated divorced guys. Never crossed my mind to judge them for living in an apartment post divorce. Get that through your skull.

You are amazing at this!

The only bit I'd say you got slightly wrong was me feeling like someone special, unless I misread how it was intended. I only saw my self as special to her in the sense I was her partner and she was mine. I didn't see myself as the hero trying to save the day. I just did me-an honest, caring guy that wanted to do what he felt best for someone and the relationship.

As previously mentioned, if I had cheated, abused her, stole from her etc I would totally get it and I doubt I'd be feeling how I have. As there was no actual answer as to why it ended I think it just blinded me a bit