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Thread: I simply don't know what to do...

  1. #1
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    I simply don't know what to do...

    Hi guys, I am a bisexual man in his twenties.
    Two years ago a guy contacted me in a very flirty way so i got interested and agreed to have a videocall with him.
    On texts he seemed to like me very much but was asking too many sexual stuff,so i simply ignored him.
    He kept on texting me for the last two years and i only replied to him seldomly and for half a year i even ignored him.
    Last year i decided to start chatting more with him to understand his mind. It was fine up until January this year when we got much closer. We were texting everyday and for hours. He was telling me that he loved me etc. and he also made some plans to meet me up ( we live in different countries). Which is something i did not expect because he has never travel before and if he had in mind a trip it was only with people he knows very well or trusts.
    But this month things have gotten slower. He stopped texting me everyday and seemed very busy on the site we met. So,out of curiosity i created a fake account and started flirting with him to see what would be his response. Surprisingly he wasn’t flirty and very qucikly told me that a guy wanted to flirt with him but he did not because he only likes me.
    Today he texted me again telling me that, while talking to that guy, he was feeling very bad and guilty because he was thinking of me. At the same time, he told me he tried to flirt with a girl to test his feelings towards me,but in the end he did nothing.
    He said that he is confused now about ourselves but he likes me very much. He told me he wants ‘’no responsibility’’. I feel that means that he wants the freedom to flirt with anyone,but just needs my approval. Like,that would make him feel less guilty.
    I told him that maybe quitting our texting for a while would be beneficial,but he insisted that he did not want me to step out of his life. All the texts that followed were about him trying to persuade me into pretending like nothing has happened. He kept the old texting style just to be sure I would not change my feelings towards him.
    I do truly trust him because it is rare from him to spend hours trying to explain himself and being so honest. So, i am very sure of his feelings towards me.The only thing i do not understand is why he is trying to test his feelings towards me by thinking of flirting with another girl or guy. Like if you like someone it is sure. He/she is the only one. My understanding of all of that is that he has feelings towards me but wants to put me aside to flirt with others.
    I simply do not understand. I don’t know what to do. He still wants to meet me up once this whole pandemic ends. And I am very sure of that! But i just don’t like the idea that while talking with me he might –at the same time-do the same with other guys/girls (in a flirty way). I was thinking that regardless,I should just quit talking to him for a while. Because this whole thing doesn’t make any sense.


    edit:
    I just want to add that he thinks that by engaging in flirting with other people,it would make our relationship better as a way to understand if we truly love eachother.

  2. #2
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    Okay, first off. just because someone texts you or is interested does not mean you owe them your interest. The fact that you ignored this guy at first and found him texting too sexually tells me that you really are not interested, he just sort of wore you down. You didn't need to "know his mind" - you just needed to know yours -- you were not interested. I suggest you stop communicating with him. He lives in another country, is playing games and he is not really someone you are truly interested in him. That's just my take. If you really like someone, you should not have to "test" your feelings nor do they need to test theirs. I would not waste my time with such games. Life is too short for that

  3. #3
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    You are right,though. I think that if you truly like someone there is no need to test it. But I do really believe that he feels something for me,but he is a guy who overthinks. I proposed him friendship. He told me that he could never see me as a friend. But at the same time,tells me we can be friends who can flirt through WhatsApp and then once we meet up everything is gonna be clearer. I don't understand.
    I wasted so much time. But i can't get him off my mind. Like all these months and then he comes out with this ?

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Meriw
    You are right,though. I think that if you truly like someone there is no need to test it. But I do really believe that he feels something for me,but he is a guy who overthinks. I proposed him friendship. He told me that he could never see me as a friend. But at the same time,tells me we can be friends who can flirt through WhatsApp and then once we meet up everything is gonna be clearer. I don't understand.
    I wasted so much time. But i can't get him off my mind. Like all these months and then he comes out with this ?
    WHo really cares if he has feelings - you don't "owe" him reciprocation or friendship. There was a guy in college that REALLY liked me. I could have decided that i "had to give him a chance" because he liked me. No I didn't. he was a bit of a creep. Attractive guy, so that's why a friend was excited that he was asking about me, but I was not comfortable around him and never wanted to be the last person remaining in a room with him. It was a big fat no.

    You are offering "friends" as a consolation prize to him. But he really isn't a friend. He's a guy that's interested. You would just be leading him on. you have not met IRL -- you don't owe him a thing.

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  6. #5
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    Yes,but the problem is that now I like him as well. I got to know other parts of him which were really interesting.He also tells me he has got for me a desire that goes Beyond sex. So,we both kinda like eachother.
    But I feel like I should quit replying to his texts and tell him straight away what i feel about this whole thing and take a firm stance.

  7. #6
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    OK well this whole thing has been going for two years and I think now you really need to decide an actual real plan regarding what you want to do. I understand this guy is in another country so meeting is not easy. But if you like each other then what do you actually want to do about that? Do you want him to come and visit you and try to date and be intimate in real life?

    I'm not trying to be rude but just to me personally talking online forever and never meeting seems pointless. Maybe for friendship it's OK because friendship can be about just conversation. But for a romantic relationship you do need to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, have sex. You need the physical intimacy to differentiate from a friendship. And unfortunately you can't actually do that just online.

    So personally I think you need to make a real decision about whether you are going to actually meet this guy in real life and spend some time with him and see if there is physical chemistry there. Keep in mind that just because you get along well online doesn't mean it'll be the same in real life.

    I'm also bisexual and my ex-girlfriend actually had this online relationship with a woman before me. She was in Australia and the woman in England. She was in this online relationship with the woman for 1.5 years and she thought she had strong feelings for her and all that. Then she actually went to England and spent a few months with her. And in person that physical chemistry just wasn't there and actually that woman ended up completely ghosting her and never speaking to her again. I'm just telling you that story so you can see how it can turn out. So I think continuing talking to this guy on and on and not knowing if something can really be there is a waste of time.

  8. #7
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    Thank you. You really changed my mood. I was feeling so down and now i feel refreshed, but I still feel so much confusion.
    Like, i don't want to lose him and he does not want to lose me as well. But it just confuses me that he wants to put me aside as his "special person "but at the same time getting in touch in a "sexual" or "romantic" way with others online. The idea just drives me crazy because I don't want to be put aside. I just want to be the one as he is for me at the moment. Of course, we never met but it is so hard to imagine myself without him making me feel special as in the past months.
    I feel it is something I have to sort out myself,cause I think this attachment is just due to a lack of self confidence and him by telling me beautiful things was just rising it up. I felt so special, loved etc.
    I just don't know how to handle it. I keep saying that we need a real break but he does not want it. He just wants to have the idea of having me there while flirting with others. It is so wrong to me. I tell him that we can just be friends, but he keeps saying no, that i am more than that. Then he says it himself that he wants us to be friends with benefits or friends who flirt from time to time.
    He is such a kid who does not know what he wants.

  9. #8
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    He was so sure of the feelings towards me. Like he was making a lot of plans, we were texting for hours etc. He was so into me. Now i feel like I am not his priprity anymore.
    During videocalls he was always very chatty and cute and in the last one he was very weird and looked tired. He kept asking me to get undressed or dance for him. That behaviour just disappointed me.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Meriw
    I do truly trust him because it is rare from him to spend hours trying to explain himself and being so honest. So, i am very sure of his feelings towards me.The only thing i do not understand is why he is trying to test his feelings towards me by thinking of flirting with another girl or guy.
    This is part of your problem. You don't actually know this person, and should not be placing blind trust in him. Texting and video chats are simply insufficient to know the true character of a person. You have no way of knowing if what he's told you about himself is true. No way of knowing what he really does in his daily life. No way of knowing if you have real chemistry. It is not wise to trust a person you have spent zero time with in the flesh.

    Him wanting to flirt with others is your cue that he isn't looking to get serious with you. He isn't "testing his feelings" for you; he's simply bored and looking for excitement and probably closer to home. What you have here is logistically very complicated, and given that you have never met, he's not invested.

    Also, seeing that he was first being very sexual with you, and recently has asked you to get undressed and dance for him, I think you know that what he wants here. If you're looking for a real relationship, this guy isn't it.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Meriw
    Yes,but the problem is that now I like him as well. I got to know other parts of him which were really interesting.He also tells me he has got for me a desire that goes Beyond sex. So,we both kinda like eachother.
    But I feel like I should quit replying to his texts and tell him straight away what i feel about this whole thing and take a firm stance.
    He has no idea what his desire is. You have never met in person. He can chat with you and build you up as a fantasy. When you see someone in their natural environment, spend physical time with them in the same space, that person,may be repulsive to you, or they aren't but there is no spark. I get that now you are intrigued, but there is no one else in front of you/you are not creating other options for yourself where you have choices and he is the best opton.

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