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Thread: Think my ex boyfriend is gay. Please help 😫

  1. #1
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    Think my ex boyfriend is gay. Please help 😫

    Long story warning! I think my boyfriend is gay and he wonít speak to me about it!!!! Please help!!!!

    So recently Iíve gone on a break from my boyfriend of 4 years due to circumstances in my family. We have had an extremely loving relationship and he is my best friend in the whole world, heís kind, caring, very sensitive and just a general good guy- or so I thought.

    We met when I was 20 and he was 28 and started dating relatively fast. About a year into our relationship one of his friends asked me if he ďstill smokes the funny fagsĒ and I didnít have a clue what sheís on about (I very rarely drink and I donít like drugs). Anyway it started playing on my mind and I remember a convo weíd had about him not wanting me to go in the attic and I accepted that I was probably just a mess up there so I never did. But then curiosity got eh best of me, I went in the attic and it was horrible, bongs, weed and the state of the room was disgusting. I told him id found it and he cried and said he didnít tell me because he didnít want to lose me and my argument was heís kept a secret from me and now I have to decide whether I want to throw away a year or relationship or carry on being with him despite my feelings on drugs. I chose to stay with him and he promised one day he would stop smoking and I was happy with that.

    Last year we moved in together and he put forward that he was going to stop smoking weed (I didnít ask him to) but I agreed that it would be good for him because it had become habitual! A few months into the move and I couldnít sleep so I went downstairs and there he was smoking weed and I was furious, not because he was smoking because Iíd gotten used to the idea of it by now but because heíd lied to me AGAIN!

    A few weeks later he was showing me something on his phone and by accident Iíd clicked on his emails (honestly Iím not the type to start snooping because Iíd rather be ignorant to anything) and I saw an email that had said heíd changed his password on Grindr. I did not know what to do and I just kept this to myself. Heís always been quite touchy with his sexuality Iíd mentioned once my sister found him quite feminine (nothing wrong with it itís one of the things that I loved about him) and he went off on one saying heís struggled since he was younger about people saying heís gay and it upsets him because he doesnít like to be labelled and heís happy in his sexuality (heís attracted to women).

    Now about 11 weeks ago we went on the break and he hadnít spoken to me since, he wonít answer my messages and heís blocked my number so Iíve sent him some horrible messages about how Iíve trusted him and heís really let me down. Iíve been struggling with my mental health as I lost my dad late last year.
    Anyway I went on my old laptop yesterday that we used to share before I moved out for our break and his emails and Facebook were still logged on, I found messages on his Facebook about him buying pills and taking ecstasy throughout our relationship and countless gay porn websites and Grindr account. I know I shouldnít have snooped and I wish I hadnít (curiosity killed the cat) I just didnít understand what was going on and why he was choosing to behave this way with me. The Grindr account I donít think was active during our relationship as far as I know however I did see the password change so honestly I donít know. But heís definitely been watching gay porn throughout our relationship and Iím just super confused. I donít care what sexuality someone has or is, you like who you like I think.
    I suppose Iím just confused as to whether he could actually be gay and thatís why heís acting this way towards me? Also his family are super religious so I know it must be hard for him to ever talk about this. Iíve tried speaking to him about it today and heís just ignored me yet again and Iíd really just like some advice or input if someone has been through something similar. Im in a tough situation because I genuinely wonít to spend the rest of my life with him and Iím just upset and confused

    TL/DR Found gay porn and Grindr account on laptop on boyfriends emails and he hasnít spoken to me in 11 weeks since our ďbreakĒ just really confused as to what to do. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he is living a double life. You knew about the drugs, so it's good you moved out. Labels do not matter. Behavior, especially hidden behavior matters. His down-low lifestyle puts you at higher risk: [Register to see the link]

    You need to get to a doctor and get tested for all STDs and blood-borne sexually transmitted diseases. You also need to get a referral to a therapist to sort out why you wanted to live with a drug addict and sort out your feelings. Unfortunately being in this much denial for this long could have serious health consequences.

    Block and delete him and all his people from All your devices, messaging apps and social media. He is not who you hoped he was.
    Originally Posted by Pamalalad
    Last year we moved in together and I went downstairs and there he was smoking weed
    I found messages on his Facebook about him buying pills and taking ecstasy throughout our relationship and countless gay porn websites and Grindr account.

  3. #3
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    Thank you for your reply. I think the issue is I didnít see him as a drug addict? Iíve only just found out about the pills! I think therapy would go a long way. Iím just really struggling because Iím not eh type of person to rely on anyone else and my love for him is so strong, but I suppose his actions have proven to me that he probably doesnít feel the same way. I think Iím just hurt because Iíve spent 4 years with him and itís ended in such a negative way

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all thisóthe loss of your father especially. Internet hugs on all of it.

    As for the nuts and bolts here? Well, there is a lot. Zooming out, the main theme here is that there is, and has always been, a significant gap between who you think he is and who he actually isóalong with a gap, I suspect, between who he wants to be and who he is. Seems a lot of your relationship has "worked" thanks to a tacit agreement to not address all that directly, to use the relationship to hide from from certain truths rather than live them together.

    I would really reflect on that right now, during this break, as it's often the case that people go on "breaks" because they're in a relationships where authenticity has always been out of reach and playing roles has gotten very tiring.

    The sexuality stuff? No one here can give you a clear answer. Only he can do that, and one thing you've learned over 4 years is that, actually, he can't do that. Too much shame, in short. It's clear he's got stuff to reckon with, come to terms with. He's on Grindr, looking at gay porn, and that's likely been the story since you've known him, and before. Could be that he's gay, could be that be's bi, could be...well, do any answers make him someone you genuinely can imagine spending your life with?

    Bottom line is that he's not being his full self, with you, and the stuff he is keeping in the shade is pretty major. This is not someone with a secret stamp collecting habit, but someone who requires sexual satisfaction from people who are not you and who are not women.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think you need to take some serious time to examine why you are so willing to stick your head in the sand and completely ignore massive lies, huge incompatibilities and deal breakers.

    This entire relationship was built on lies and you did find out fairly early on, but opted to stick around anyway. As you said yourself - you'd rather not know than face the truth. Even when confronted with the truth, you still opt to stick your head in the sand and do nothing, just keep on going down a bad path wasting your life and time on a dead end. This isn't love, btw, it's codependence, aka a very unhealthy form of attachment that serves to harm you because you don't walk away from toxic partners.

    You can't even blame him for your lost 4 years. You lost those years yourself. I'm just curious.....if the company was bankrupt and closing, would you still keep buying its stock? No, right? This relationship has been bankrupt from day one, but you keep buying more stock. Is that really a good choice?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think he might be ignoring you because he is gay and he's wrestling with all these emotions.

    Does he come out gay? Does he stay in the closet? Its a huge personal dilemma. It essentially changes his whole life as he knows it.

    I think your relationship is essentially over. I'm sorry.

    you cannot be in a relationship let alone marry a guy that is gay. Maybe he is really Bi? All bi people that are in monogamous relationships choose to be with one person/one sex. So it is possible.

    Would you be able to accept that? Accept that he is attracted to men but with you? Thats before you even get to the lies and the grinder account. is he doing on there while with you?

    I think, while this is painful, its for the best.

    But more importantly, if you think there is any chance, he could have been cheating on you, you must talk to your doctor and get tests. Protect yourself. He is a liar. We know that much.

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    He might be attracted to women, but if he's on Grindr, he's attracted to men too.

    I would be very concerned that he was sexually active with others while you were together, as well. It seems there is a great deal you didn't actually know about him, and didn't want to see. That makes is easy for someone to hide a lot, and seeing as how he evidently changed his Grindr password while you were dating, I would not rule out the possibility that he'd stepped outside your relationship. It's possible he hadn't hooked up with someone in the flesh but I would not assume he was incapable of it, either.

    It appears that whatever he might have done (or not) with other men while you were together, he's been hiding his truth for a long time. Drugs, his sexual preferences, the works. This isn't the foundation of a healthy relationship. It's a relationship constructed out of half-truths and opacity. A lot of dark corners he didn't want you poking around in. As such, I think you two need to part ways for good now.

    To clarify, why did you two go on a break 11 weeks ago, exactly?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    once a liar always a liar. Erase this guy from your life, and be mentally healthy. Maybe check in with a therapist and find out why you stayed with him for so long, when his lying and activities are complete deal breakers to most people.

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    We went on a break because Iíve been struggling with my mental health and I felt like I was making him miserable. Obviously finding out what I did yesterday I think it was the other way round, he was already miserable

  11. #10
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    Also I left this part out but I did check his Grindr account and there wasnít a single message on there. What that means however I donít know

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