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Think my ex boyfriend is gay. Please help 😫


Pamalalad

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Long story warning! I think my boyfriend is gay and he won’t speak to me about it!!!! Please help!!!!

 

So recently I’ve gone on a break from my boyfriend of 4 years due to circumstances in my family. We have had an extremely loving relationship and he is my best friend in the whole world, he’s kind, caring, very sensitive and just a general good guy- or so I thought.

 

We met when I was 20 and he was 28 and started dating relatively fast. About a year into our relationship one of his friends asked me if he “still smokes the funny fags” and I didn’t have a clue what she’s on about (I very rarely drink and I don’t like drugs). Anyway it started playing on my mind and I remember a convo we’d had about him not wanting me to go in the attic and I accepted that I was probably just a mess up there so I never did. But then curiosity got eh best of me, I went in the attic and it was horrible, bongs, weed and the state of the room was disgusting. I told him id found it and he cried and said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to lose me and my argument was he’s kept a secret from me and now I have to decide whether I want to throw away a year or relationship or carry on being with him despite my feelings on drugs. I chose to stay with him and he promised one day he would stop smoking and I was happy with that.

 

Last year we moved in together and he put forward that he was going to stop smoking weed (I didn’t ask him to) but I agreed that it would be good for him because it had become habitual! A few months into the move and I couldn’t sleep so I went downstairs and there he was smoking weed and I was furious, not because he was smoking because I’d gotten used to the idea of it by now but because he’d lied to me AGAIN!

 

A few weeks later he was showing me something on his phone and by accident I’d clicked on his emails (honestly I’m not the type to start snooping because I’d rather be ignorant to anything) and I saw an email that had said he’d changed his password on Grindr. I did not know what to do and I just kept this to myself. He’s always been quite touchy with his sexuality I’d mentioned once my sister found him quite feminine (nothing wrong with it it’s one of the things that I loved about him) and he went off on one saying he’s struggled since he was younger about people saying he’s gay and it upsets him because he doesn’t like to be labelled and he’s happy in his sexuality (he’s attracted to women).

 

Now about 11 weeks ago we went on the break and he hadn’t spoken to me since, he won’t answer my messages and he’s blocked my number so I’ve sent him some horrible messages about how I’ve trusted him and he’s really let me down. I’ve been struggling with my mental health as I lost my dad late last year.

Anyway I went on my old laptop yesterday that we used to share before I moved out for our break and his emails and Facebook were still logged on, I found messages on his Facebook about him buying pills and taking ecstasy throughout our relationship and countless gay porn websites and Grindr account. I know I shouldn’t have snooped and I wish I hadn’t (curiosity killed the cat) I just didn’t understand what was going on and why he was choosing to behave this way with me. The Grindr account I don’t think was active during our relationship as far as I know however I did see the password change so honestly I don’t know. But he’s definitely been watching gay porn throughout our relationship and I’m just super confused. I don’t care what sexuality someone has or is, you like who you like I think.

I suppose I’m just confused as to whether he could actually be gay and that’s why he’s acting this way towards me? Also his family are super religious so I know it must be hard for him to ever talk about this. I’ve tried speaking to him about it today and he’s just ignored me yet again and I’d really just like some advice or input if someone has been through something similar. Im in a tough situation because I genuinely won’t to spend the rest of my life with him and I’m just upset and confused

 

TL/DR Found gay porn and Grindr account on laptop on boyfriends emails and he hasn’t spoken to me in 11 weeks since our “break” just really confused as to what to do.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he is living a double life. You knew about the drugs, so it's good you moved out. Labels do not matter. Behavior, especially hidden behavior matters. His down-low lifestyle puts you at higher risk: https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats17/msm.htm

 

You need to get to a doctor and get tested for all STDs and blood-borne sexually transmitted diseases. You also need to get a referral to a therapist to sort out why you wanted to live with a drug addict and sort out your feelings. Unfortunately being in this much denial for this long could have serious health consequences.

 

Block and delete him and all his people from All your devices, messaging apps and social media. He is not who you hoped he was.

Last year we moved in together and I went downstairs and there he was smoking weed

I found messages on his Facebook about him buying pills and taking ecstasy throughout our relationship and countless gay porn websites and Grindr account.

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Thank you for your reply. I think the issue is I didn’t see him as a drug addict? I’ve only just found out about the pills! I think therapy would go a long way. I’m just really struggling because I’m not eh type of person to rely on anyone else and my love for him is so strong, but I suppose his actions have proven to me that he probably doesn’t feel the same way. I think I’m just hurt because I’ve spent 4 years with him and it’s ended in such a negative way

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Sorry about all this—the loss of your father especially. Internet hugs on all of it.

 

As for the nuts and bolts here? Well, there is a lot. Zooming out, the main theme here is that there is, and has always been, a significant gap between who you think he is and who he actually is—along with a gap, I suspect, between who he wants to be and who he is. Seems a lot of your relationship has "worked" thanks to a tacit agreement to not address all that directly, to use the relationship to hide from from certain truths rather than live them together.

 

I would really reflect on that right now, during this break, as it's often the case that people go on "breaks" because they're in a relationships where authenticity has always been out of reach and playing roles has gotten very tiring.

 

The sexuality stuff? No one here can give you a clear answer. Only he can do that, and one thing you've learned over 4 years is that, actually, he can't do that. Too much shame, in short. It's clear he's got stuff to reckon with, come to terms with. He's on Grindr, looking at gay porn, and that's likely been the story since you've known him, and before. Could be that he's gay, could be that be's bi, could be...well, do any answers make him someone you genuinely can imagine spending your life with?

 

Bottom line is that he's not being his full self, with you, and the stuff he is keeping in the shade is pretty major. This is not someone with a secret stamp collecting habit, but someone who requires sexual satisfaction from people who are not you and who are not women.

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I think you need to take some serious time to examine why you are so willing to stick your head in the sand and completely ignore massive lies, huge incompatibilities and deal breakers.

 

This entire relationship was built on lies and you did find out fairly early on, but opted to stick around anyway. As you said yourself - you'd rather not know than face the truth. Even when confronted with the truth, you still opt to stick your head in the sand and do nothing, just keep on going down a bad path wasting your life and time on a dead end. This isn't love, btw, it's codependence, aka a very unhealthy form of attachment that serves to harm you because you don't walk away from toxic partners.

 

You can't even blame him for your lost 4 years. You lost those years yourself. I'm just curious.....if the company was bankrupt and closing, would you still keep buying its stock? No, right? This relationship has been bankrupt from day one, but you keep buying more stock. Is that really a good choice?

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I think he might be ignoring you because he is gay and he's wrestling with all these emotions.

 

Does he come out gay? Does he stay in the closet? Its a huge personal dilemma. It essentially changes his whole life as he knows it.

 

I think your relationship is essentially over. I'm sorry.

 

you cannot be in a relationship let alone marry a guy that is gay. Maybe he is really Bi? All bi people that are in monogamous relationships choose to be with one person/one sex. So it is possible.

 

Would you be able to accept that? Accept that he is attracted to men but with you? Thats before you even get to the lies and the grinder account. is he doing on there while with you?

 

I think, while this is painful, its for the best.

 

But more importantly, if you think there is any chance, he could have been cheating on you, you must talk to your doctor and get tests. Protect yourself. He is a liar. We know that much.

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He might be attracted to women, but if he's on Grindr, he's attracted to men too.

 

I would be very concerned that he was sexually active with others while you were together, as well. It seems there is a great deal you didn't actually know about him, and didn't want to see. That makes is easy for someone to hide a lot, and seeing as how he evidently changed his Grindr password while you were dating, I would not rule out the possibility that he'd stepped outside your relationship. It's possible he hadn't hooked up with someone in the flesh but I would not assume he was incapable of it, either.

 

It appears that whatever he might have done (or not) with other men while you were together, he's been hiding his truth for a long time. Drugs, his sexual preferences, the works. This isn't the foundation of a healthy relationship. It's a relationship constructed out of half-truths and opacity. A lot of dark corners he didn't want you poking around in. As such, I think you two need to part ways for good now.

 

To clarify, why did you two go on a break 11 weeks ago, exactly?

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You're right. His drug use and confusion were making him miserable. Be glad he is gone.

 

Focus on going to a doctor, not only to evaluate your physical health, STDs etc but also to evaluate emotional health and getting some ongoing professional support.

 

You can't be 'best friends' with someone you never really knew and whose life with you was a sham.

I’ve been struggling with my mental health and I felt like I was making him miserable. I think it was the other way round, he was already miserable
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A straight man never is interested in checking guys out, not even a tiny bit. Your boyfriend does, so he is gay. Or in his case, he could be bi.

 

That is definitely going to change your relationship. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bi, but if you're a straight woman, it will affect things.

He will want to be involved with other men, even if it's only lusting after them through pics. You need to come to terms with that.

But that's not the issue you should be upset about the most (in my opinion).

 

He is lying to you and he lies right to your face. You will never be able to trust someone like that. He can cry all he wants, but the fact is, he doesn't mind fooling you and keeping major things from you.

Drugs is not a small thing and it's not something you should ever be okay with or look past.

 

He is doing drugs, and obviously involved in criminal activity with getting these drugs. He could be charged. Drugs are illegal and it's quite serious.

But he is also putting your health at risk. You need to get tested asap for any and all STD's.

 

This is not something forgivable and not something that you should look past whatsoever. He is dangerous and he might give you the impression that he is some poor hurt puppy, but he is someone who really could damage your life in very bad ways.

 

End things now, be smart. This is not someone you should be allowing in your life.

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Yeah the issue here is the lies, his sexuality isn’t anything that bothers me and I genuinely don’t think he’s not attracted to me, we’ve never had any issue with intimacy. I think he’s lied because like you said he feels ashamed to even be questioning how sexuality. I know I’m better off without him, it upsets me truly that he never felt he could be totally honest with me, I’m a very open person!

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If he has been on Grindr at all, he is curious. Which is a very good indication that is is into men. He could be bi, into both men and women. But I would definitely put my money on him liking the looks of other men.

 

Which is fine, UNLESS you are pretending to a woman that you are fully straight. Then that's just downright shady and very selfish. Yes, selfish, because although he may be confused and struggling with his feelings, he is playing around with someone else's life and emotions. And that's not okay.

 

I doubt very much he would be telling you what he likes to look at and what he doesn't. It's not an easy thing to admit to someone.

 

But your main focus needs to be on the lies and the drugs. You cannot look past that. This man could destroy your life.

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Yeah the issue here is the lies, his sexuality isn’t anything that bothers me and I genuinely don’t think he’s not attracted to me, we’ve never had any issue with intimacy. I think he’s lied because like you said he feels ashamed to even be questioning how sexuality. I know I’m better off without him, it upsets me truly that he never felt he could be totally honest with me, I’m a very open person!
I don't know why he lies/lied to you... its him, not you. the most important thing is to not turn this into a flaw within you.

 

I get it. been there. as they say, have the tee shirt...

 

he's gay and he hides his drug use.... a lifetime of masks and lies, all happening long b4 you came along.

 

He is a long way from showing his authentic self. You dodged a bullet.

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Yeah the issue here is the lies, his sexuality isn’t anything that bothers me and I genuinely don’t think he’s not attracted to me, we’ve never had any issue with intimacy. I think he’s lied because like you said he feels ashamed to even be questioning how sexuality. I know I’m better off without him, it upsets me truly that he never felt he could be totally honest with me, I’m a very open person!

 

In the context of a relationship, or in general as a fellow human?

 

I ask because you need to reflect on whether you'd be comfortable with him having sex with men, if you two were ever to reconcile. His is obviously interested in the idea. Him being attracted to you isn't exactly the issue here. It's the fact that he's also attracted to something you can't provide.

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Nope the thought of him being with intimate men doesn’t scare me what so ever, the thing that scares me is him doing it whilst he’s with me. If he would have told me he enjoys watching gay porn I wouldn’t have really had an opinion, I’ve always been open with him that if he wants to watch porn then do it it won’t affect my self esteem in anyway. I suppose I’ll never know what he truly wants because he’s not willing to talk to me. However I still have things at his house that I need to collect so maybe in the future when I go collect it he might feel a bit more comfortable speaking face to face about it

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Yeah I’m upset for him because no one should feel that they have to hide their true selves. I’ve just got to leave him to battle his own demons, I think time away from me might give him a bit of clarity and it’ll do me a lot of good too! Still have things at his house that I need to pick up so hopefully things will be a bit calmer by the time I can go and collect my stuff

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You've lowered your standards already for this guy, please don't go lowering it even more. Care more about yourself than him.

 

You might start feeling sorry for him, but make no mistake about it, he is a liar who has little to no remorse for his actions and he is a druggie.

You cannot change that in him, no matter how badly you want to.

 

No doubt he will bs you and give you sob stories of why he had to use, stress, can't sleep, having a hard time, on and on. But if he wanted proper help, he would go see a doctor and therapist.

Druggies like him, use because they like feeling high...end of. He's not someone you should be investing any kind of emotions into.

 

He will only manipulate you more.

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Yeah I’m upset for him because no one should feel that they have to hide their true selves. I’ve just got to leave him to battle his own demons, I think time away from me might give him a bit of clarity and it’ll do me a lot of good too! Still have things at his house that I need to pick up so hopefully things will be a bit calmer by the time I can go and collect my stuff

 

I'd print this out if I were you and keep it in your pocket: a little anchor as you go about the business of letting go—your own words, not ours, to point you in the right direction.

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Nope I completely agree it’s funny because we used to argue because he used to tell me I need to be more selfish because my family expect me to help them a lot and it used to cause friction between us because he felt they were taking advantage. And yet here I am still doing it and making excuses for him! He did actually tell me he smoked weed to get to sleep, he went from having 4 or 5 joints a night to having one just before bed (I know this because he eventually started doing it whilst I was up then we’d go to bed together) it’s just an excuse for him thought isn’t it. As for the ecstasy he didn’t take it all the time but he took it on lads nights out and I don’t know his reasoning for that one because obviously he won’t speak to me about it. Thanks for your help by the way it’s nice to have an input from non family members

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So with weed, I can say that it can help with sleep and other medical issues. I won't deny that. I am not a weed smoker, nor am I someone who is okay with it.

 

But I have heard lots of people say it helps with sleep and with pain.

 

Keep in mind though, lots of people do smoke it to party and to get high. Misuse of weed is huge, and there are many people getting stoned just for the sake of it.

But when it comes to ecstasy, that's just idiocy. It's dangerous, as it's not regulated and no one actually knows where the pills come from or how safe the pills are.

Drug dealers might put other things into the pills they aren't supposed to, etc.

 

This guy in particular, he sounds like he is misusing and a very irresponsible man. There is no justification with it. He's old enough to know better.

 

With a person like him, you won't ever know what's true and what's not. He's not someone you should trust.

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