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Thread: Meeting with my ex

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I'm just wondering under what circumstance was she forced to disclose that she was once intimate with a now friend on FB?
    No judgment here, but is it your expectation that she not communicate with anyone she was ever intimate with?
    And if she's communicating with a man friend, does she needs to tell you about their past together?

  2. #22
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    not forced - she told me they had history after a few days had passed. So my issue again is why lie? Whats the need to lie. Its the very basic that ok situations can seem daunting, fear of a reaction can play a part - but ultimately being honest shows what type of character a person is and whether they can be trusted.

    In the beginning before we even started a relationship - the stage when people talk about their 'boundaries' I said I look for honesty and integrity. That My feelings are exs are just that.
    Its not my expectation but quite frankly I find once you had crossed that boundary where as by being intimate - it takes it to a whole new level. How can two people every go back to just 'friends'
    Just my opinion and Im sure is not shared by others

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    Well she cancelled on tonight due to not feeling very well. she suggested we meet tomorrow or friday.... a little disappointed but it is what it is. Gives me a little longer to gather my thoughts

    I understand what people have mentioned about boundaries. I guess I haven't looked at it from this perspective before. I do remember in the early stages we spoke about what makes a good relationship i.e. good open communication and honesty. I also stressed about honesty to her as once trust is gone is so difficult to build it back.
    anyhow a little off subject there.

    I can't really add much as we haven't met - Im due in work again tomorrow so just hoping my brain switches off tonight. I appreciate your words and will reply when I have more time to put some thought into my replies
    Idk if this is me being petty or what, but do you believe her?

    I'd probably be done with this person.

    If my relationship were on the rocks and I wanted to reconcile, I wouldn't cancel. Considering the pandemic, maybe she is being cautious BUT then you guys could talk on the phone.

    Maybe neither of you are really all that into each other anymore.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok this is a good reason to end things. Unfortunately even without this ex and lying the relationship wasn't working. Be glad she left and does not want to 'talk'. Focus on yourself, being happy again and tying up lose ends, getting her stuff out etc.
    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    I struggled with the trust since the first issue. I became distant. Almost stuck in a rut. I question did I truly love her.I stopped showing affection. Became anxious. Snappy. Irritable. We lost the spark...there was no fun anymore in us.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    not forced - she told me they had history after a few days had passed. So my issue again is why lie? Whats the need to lie. Its the very basic that ok situations can seem daunting, fear of a reaction can play a part - but ultimately being honest shows what type of character a person is and whether they can be trusted.

    In the beginning before we even started a relationship - the stage when people talk about their 'boundaries' I said I look for honesty and integrity. That My feelings are exs are just that.
    Its not my expectation but quite frankly I find once you had crossed that boundary where as by being intimate - it takes it to a whole new level. How can two people every go back to just 'friends'
    Just my opinion and Im sure is not shared by others
    Do you think she feels safe giving you the answers to the type of questions you are asking?

    I don't condone lying. No one is telling you you should. But just reading this would make me apprehensive answering your questions.

    That and my (and my bf's) past personal relationships aren't a topic of discussion. Not to this degree. I wouldn't want to be asked with whom I slept with previously.

    Lying about it or telling you the truth was a no win situation for her.

    Just something to think about.

  7. #26
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    Sorry have only skim read all the comments. Look I don't actually think that she was innocent in all of this. OP said that she had deleted all the messages from that guy she was chatting to on Facebook. When someone deletes messages, that means there was something dodgy in the messages that they don't want their partner to see. So very likely while she said that guy was just a "friend", if they didn't say anything untoward to each other, she would have no need to delete these messages. Also yes I agree OP, a relationship is about trust. So for example I still talk to a couple of my ex's. Well one of them I barely speak to but the other one is an ex FWB who is still my friend and actually part of my friendship group. So previously when I was with my ex-partner, I said to him straight away as we started dating: "I wanted to tell you that I still occasionally speak to my ex and ex FWB. Nothing is going on there at all but I just wanted you to know. How do you feel about it?" And my ex said he felt fine. But point is I was very honest and upfront and never lied about it or anything. Lying is wrong.

    Have you thought that maybe you and your ex are just not right for each other? You tried living together and things just didn't gel. Not everyone we love and try to be with is actually a good match or "t he one". It does happen that couples start living together and realise it's not actually working. If you don't get on living together then obviously it can't be a long term thing.

    Also I think you were right to feel that anxiety because she was talking to her ex's and she deleted messages from that guy and all that. I would as well.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    not forced - she told me they had history after a few days had passed. So my issue again is why lie? Whats the need to lie. Its the very basic that ok situations can seem daunting, fear of a reaction can play a part - but ultimately being honest shows what type of character a person is and whether they can be trusted.

    In the beginning before we even started a relationship - the stage when people talk about their 'boundaries' I said I look for honesty and integrity. That My feelings are exs are just that.
    Its not my expectation but quite frankly I find once you had crossed that boundary where as by being intimate - it takes it to a whole new level. How can two people every go back to just 'friends'
    Just my opinion and Im sure is not shared by others
    Im unsure as to when she supposedly lied??

    What exactly was her answer when you asked who she was messaging?

    Did she say a friend who she definitely had no sexual encounter with? Or did she say a friend?

    I dont think not disclosing every past personal detail about ones life to another is lying.

    You have said that in the beginning you discussed with her honesty was important as was communication.
    But you have not openly and honestly communicated with her?

    I dont get it? Boundaries are two way.

  9. #28
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    As it was mentioned yesterday wouldnt of been a good day to meet due to being exhausted....how right you were. By 21:30 last night I was shattered so in many ways Im relieved she postponed meeting.

    It seems to be a point about whether I was right to ask who the guy was, and whether I had a right. This comes down to dynamics of a relationship. Just because it doesnt seem just to some of you doesnt mean in anyway Im wrong for asking.
    They always say dont ask questions you dont want to know the answers.
    My question is a very simple non-invasive question back then...asking who a guy is she is talking to is no way over stepping the mark. If at this point we had been introduced to people in each others lives - know friends and family. If a random person pops up who has never been seen before of course a question will be asked.
    Maybe you think I interrogated her?!? But that is certainly not what I did. I dont want to know intimate details of her past.
    I simple just was curious who this guy was she suddenly started talking with! No harm in that.
    But thats where this issue was born from and what I have written about. That her response to this was to lie about who these guys were. It rocked my trust as questions go through your head!

    I was never spying on her. I never asked for in-depth details on what did she do with these guys.

    My whole issue was the fact if its innocent why feel the need to lie? I showed I had no issues with her talking to an ex.
    No one deserves to be lied to. And when you lie about something which is made out to be unimportant it will of course stretch the trust. How could it not?

    I get people have difference of opinions. And trying to give every detail on a forum spanning a relationship thats over a year is near impossible.

    Would I want to reconcile? The feelings I have I would. But I know so much has to be spoken about with her. Ive realised through some of your replies our boundaries are different and if we cant agree then there is no hope.
    Communication is key. Understanding that it may not lead anywhere Ive accepted.

    But i do want to see her. We have things we need to discuss and ultimately I will need to give all her stuff back to her anyhow if this does come to a close.

    I have been thinking why did I stick around when clearly my views on lying mean red flags.
    I guess I thought she was sincere when she apologised, said they were mistakes and she understands it would take time for me to trust her again but she was willing to work through it.

    If people turned their backs on their partners as soon as something happened then everyone would be single. Sometimes things do happen and of course its worth fighting for - or at least seeing if things can be resolved. If times been invested then my opinion is depending on what the fall out is over is the deciding factor ( obviously cheating is a no no ) again thats my personal opinion. And that will differ from one person to the next

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately that is what happened here. She was vague, private about men she communicates with and you shut her out totally in a punitive way to make your point about 'trust'. You shut her out emotionally and she left physically, so it all works out.

    She needs someone who is more indifferent to opposite sex friends, contact with distant exes, etc and you need someone who toes the line very tightly, hopefully providing every detail of their past and never communicating with the opposite sex. Basically you were very incompatible.
    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    If people turned their backs on their partners as soon as something happened then everyone would be single.

  11. #30
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    Still evading the question?!!

    What did she lie about?!!

    I dont care at this point whether it was right or wrong of you to ask her who she was speaking to?

    You have yet to say what her response was?
    And if it was actually a lie or not???

    You hold communication and honesty highly in a relationship, yet so far have given no evidence that you actively did that.
    And cant honestky and openly communicate with us here??

    Be honest with us? Did she lie? Because so far it sounds like she didnt even coming from your biased point ?

    Did she apologise? Yes!!! But I dont think she had anything to apologise for? She was it seems manipulated into doing so?

    Unless you can explain in detail how she lied????

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