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Thread: Meeting with my ex

  1. #11
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    It's up to you at the end of the day. But I would wait without a doubt if I wanted the best for the relationship.

    Something I do find interesting is that you seem good at acknowledging your issues but then not able to avoid displaying them. E.g. in your first post, you said 'I can get very snappy and impatient'. But then, having acknowledged these things, you then immediately got snappy in your response to the first poster, and now you're being impatient in wanting to resolve things with your girlfriend ASAP rather than taking your time.

    Tbh if you said to her that you needed a couple more days to think things over before chatting, then this in itself would display a bit of patience and calmness which, if you sometimes haven't been like that in arguments, might come as a really pleasant surprise to her. As I said though, up to you, those are just my thoughts.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    She doesn't share your relationship boundaries and is okay with risking your relationship by getting her ego boosted by communicating with exes. She knows this isn't a dealbreaker for you, since you've stuck around for both instances, and it's her that left and you still want her back. So why should she stop?

    You'll be far happier with a woman who shares your relationship boundaries. When a relationship is more upsetting than satisfying, it means it's the wrong relationship for you. If it were me, I'd tell her to collect her belongings and then go no contact so you can heal and move on.

  3. #13
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    I think reflecting since this happened I’ve taken a hard look at myself. I’ve sat with my feelings and instead of ignoring them I’ve tried to understand why things happened and what part I played.

    Ok in this short time I have realised my short comings. I’m human. I make mistakes. I want to learn from them. To grow. No one is perfect. Not me. Nor her.

    Being able to sit back away from the current situation I’ve realised our communication broke down a while ago. And if it’s a matter of just opening up with one another. Actually listening and responding. Then if that’s what it takes to potentially mend something that was once amazing then it’s worth it.

    Yes it’s obvious our boundaries differ slightly. Since all this happened and she’s realised she did rock the trust emotion. She has blocked the ex’s in question. She wanted to do things to prove to me she could be trusted.
    She even went to a councillor herself as she doesn’t know whether her lying in linked to her childhood?

    Either way yes both times I decided to carry on with the relationship. I didn’t realise just how it had affected me and I should of been more open and honest. But I closed off. I shut down. I seemed to switch off my feelings for her.
    Is this a coping mechanism? Is this how I deal with difficulties in relationships?

    All these questions can only be answered by a professional hence why I’m seeking help.

    I don’t want to contiue like this. Whether I have a shot with this girl or not. I can’t contiue to sabotage relationships with the people around me. I need to learn from this regardless of what happens tonight.

    But - I do love this girl. Some might say how can you if you switch off? I don’t know...I know my feelings and as soon as we’re in this period of space reflecting I truly miss her. I see the errors we’ve made and how to move forward past them.
    I know it will need effort from us both and if she isn’t invested then it’s pointless.

    We both used to be so caring to one another. And just how things are currently is causing the state of confusion. Hardly hearing from her is odd. I lived with this girl for almost a year speaking daily.
    Now I struggle to get a few texts from her each day. Granted she wanted space. She’s clearly feeling pressure so perhaps that’s why she’s not as chatty.
    She asked to meet to talk. I’ve wanted to meet to talk. Since this blew up on Friday I’ve calmed down. I don’t have the answers or know the outcome of tonight.
    I’m prepared that it might not go down the path of reconciliation but that’s out of my control. All I can do is communicate with her.
    Show her I’ve made mistakes. I’m trying to address aspects of my behaviour that contributed to this breakdown of our relationship and if that’s not enough for her then so be it.
    Least then I will have closesure that she can’t look past things. And I will have to start on the road to recovery albeit without her

  4. #14
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    I don't think you and she share the same ideals about communications with someone with whom you've been intimate prior to getting together. Plus, even if some here think it petty to be so dramatic about it, being lied to about the person(s) is a defense mechanism that is not a good tool in her arsenal.

    You perceive that she will use it over and over.

    And you know you will tire of being her judge and jury.

    Don't you think you would like someone who doesn't lie to you? Wouldn't she be more comfortable with someone who lets her flirt with past boyfriends?

    I can't tell you what to do, but i would not continue this relationship if I were you.

    You have different values.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You've definitely identified things you don't like in the relationship and in yourself.

    And while you may need therapy, to help you control your temper or to become a better communicator, I'm not sure how that adresses the incompatibilities in the relationship.

    One of the most important aspects of compatibility is whether you share the same view of what a lie is, what integrity is.

    Whether she lied or you're being too nitpicky, is up to each person to decide for themselves. And for a harmonious relationship to exist you both must agree...

    In some ways, I could see messaging the opposite sex as a sign/risk of an emotional affair or holding onto past guys as back ups.

    But that is more of a repeated thing that has a pattern.... Keeping in mind everyone gets a random hi from someone from the past on facebook and that's it.

    Before you meet her figure out what your boundaries are and then stay true to them/yourself. Also observe how she handles this. Is she just ending it? Is she willing to compromise and work on things together?

    You are panicking that you realize, now that you might lose her, that you do love her. Only you know for sure. but that also sounds like, now youre going to squash your own needs for her needs. Which is a slippery slope, my friend.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Hopefully you will gain a better perspective on it with your therapy. IMO...just mine, you have always been insecure to the point that you constantly quiz your SO. This has an effect on them too. You don't trust them at all and you keep looking for things to catch them on. The reaction to this is avoidance because of your negative feelings towards it. Even if she told you the truth, you would most likely give her the gears.

    Her past, whomever she had sex with, how it happened, how many times... is really no one's business not even yours.

    This is something I have leaned...it's better to not bother with it, because the past is where it is in the past...long before you, and has nothing to do with you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    She doesn't share your relationship boundaries and is okay with risking your relationship by getting her ego boosted by communicating with exes. She knows this isn't a deal breaker for you, since you've stuck around for both instances, and it's her that left and you still want her back. So why should she stop?

    You'll be far happier with a woman who shares your relationship boundaries. When a relationship is more upsetting than satisfying, it means it's the wrong relationship for you. If it were me, I'd tell her to collect her belongings and then go no contact so you can heal and move on.
    This is exactly on point.

    She stays in contact with guys that have abused her which says to me that she still needs something from them. Only she can say what that is if she even knows. She has lied several times to you about male "friends" that later turn out to be ex lovers.

    Remember this as you go through this. People lie to cover up things they are not proud of, lie because they are trying to impress someone or lie because their whole life is fiction. She knew what she was doing was not good for the relationship yet she continued and when caught she lied.

    The most important thing should be the relationship and it doesn't sound like either of you put it first. She was chatting with ex lovers and you were acting poorly instead of facing the issues and feelings you were feeling.

    I agree you have different views on boundaries in a relationship and unless new boundaries you both can live with are found it is time to end this.

    There is the ever lasting debate of if people should be friends with ex's and stay in touch while they are in a relationship or married. I have yet to see it be beneficial to a relationship in the long run. More times than not one person is eating their feelings to keep the peace. It appears you do not like her staying in contact with guys she has had sex with (normal feeling) but you pretend it is okay as long as she doesn't hide it and lie about it while she knows you do not like it so she hides it and lies to you about it.

    At the end of the day now that the break is here you are second guessing your feelings and choices. Perfectly normal but you need to figure out where those feelings came from and be brutally honest with yourself on what you will and will not accept in your life and any relationship you are in. She needs to do the same.

    Take this time to think all this through so when you do talk you can be honest, not just honest with her but honest with yourself. If you don't like what she is doing then don't let the fear of losing her keep you from expressing it so she understands. Sometimes it just doesn't work out but it is better to figure yourself out before you try and figure out what went wrong with the relationship.

    Lost

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I'm curious about a few things. How long were you guys together before moving in? You said you've been together for just over a year, which happens to be when you were on here last (1.13) writing about another ex. Can't help but wonder: think you maybe brought some anxiety and unresolved feelings about that situation into this one? Is there any chance that you assigned some lofty meaning to this union earlyi.e. that it was going to "work" where the other didn't, be "good" where the other was "bad"? Related: Is there a chance that, in her, you chose someone "similar" to your previous ex, in the sense that she triggered some familiar concernsand, with that, a challenge to see if you could remedy them with someone new but cut from a similar cloth?

    In other words, if you were thinking a lot about a prior romance during the early days you may have been prone to wonder if she was doing the same, a kind of preexisting fear. You also may have been prone to "forgive" certain tendencies and boundaries that, deep down, don't work for you. Sometimes, without realizing it, we want a new relationship to "erase" a past dynamicto resolve those issues for uswhich can be pretty pressurized. When anything comes up to challenge that storya Facebook message, say, or learning that someone has texted a former flingit can scratch the record in a way that is maybe more extreme than the specifics warrant.

    As for the specifics here? I'm of mixed minds, and can go into that in another post. Ultimately, I think what's most important in a relationship is to be with someone you can be open to and curious about, not weary and suspicious of. What's required for that will be different for everyone, but it comes down to being as comfortable with all you don't know, and maybe can't ever know, as what you do know.

    I'd give that some real reflection right now, as it seems to be an area of turbulence here. We can highlight your shortcomings here, and hers, but at the end of the day I suspect you want to be comfortable alongside someone who feels the same about you. If that feels more like trying to climb Everest than cruising down the highwaywell, that's where you get into some basic compatibility stuff.

  10. #19
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    Well she cancelled on tonight due to not feeling very well. she suggested we meet tomorrow or friday.... a little disappointed but it is what it is. Gives me a little longer to gather my thoughts

    I understand what people have mentioned about boundaries. I guess I haven't looked at it from this perspective before. I do remember in the early stages we spoke about what makes a good relationship i.e. good open communication and honesty. I also stressed about honesty to her as once trust is gone is so difficult to build it back.
    anyhow a little off subject there.

    I can't really add much as we haven't met - Im due in work again tomorrow so just hoping my brain switches off tonight. I appreciate your words and will reply when I have more time to put some thought into my replies

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok then do not try to reconcile. You don't need to look over your shoulder and she doesn't want things held over her head. Once a police state exits the relationship is as over as when trust is out the window. Focus on getting her things out, not coffee chitchat about trust.
    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    I also stressed about honesty to her as once trust is gone is so difficult to build it back.

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