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Thread: An uncomfortably clingy friend

  1. #11

    Join Date
    Apr 2020
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Rather than “reflect chill” he tried harder still to get more attention and time from me.
    That's where I am right now with G. I first took a more "aggressive" approach months ago and told her to stop, since subtle hints weren't getting through to her. I felt that I got my point across, however, she got in a car accident the same day, so I put my frustration aside to comfort her. But yesterday I had to tell her to stop again and she replied that she was crying the whole time while texting me. When I refused to show her sympathy that time, she became defensive saying she wasn't looking for pity or being like "woe is me", but I feel she wants me to quickly forgive her without ever taking responsibility.

    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I’m just not looking for a “BFF,” heh. If I’m gonna text someone every day and be joined at the hip it will be in a relationship.
    I often feel the same way with her. I feel like we're "together" somehow. I'm not used to texting one person this much, even if I text them every day. It's an around-the-clock type of thing with her and it's tiring.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
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    Mar 2002
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    If I'm this drained just reading about this draining, weird friendship style, i can only imagine how it is for yourself.

    It is too intense for most people to have this much pressure for friendship.

    I don't think it is fair for friends to insist on reviews of writing, art, to share the same levels of interest in those things.

    If you want art reviews, join an art club or go to school and get critiqued there.

    Same thing for writing. Get an editor or join some club that shares your passion.

    People have friends to have fun, have backyard meals, talk about "stuff."

    It puts too much pressure on a friend to be handed some non-published novel and to be asked an opinion.

    What can they even say? Besides the huge time investment to really dig into the words.

    If they hate it, would you really accept that? If they liked it, is that all you want, validation?

    And artwork? Do you want a professional-level opinion? Or just "that's pretty."? It is not fair to a friendship to insist on that kind of commitment.

  3. #13

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    Apr 2020
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    Thank you to everyone who responded. I sent a message to G this morning. I didn't sugarcoat anything and tried to lay out boundaries, and she took it as a personal attack. Her low blow comment "For you to lash out as you did, it amazes me that you can say you have depression" pretty much did it for me. I'd rather be alone than be disrespected that way. I'm going to take some time to work on my mental health before pursuing another friendship.

  4. #14

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    Apr 2020
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    I don't think it is fair for friends to insist on reviews of writing, art, to share the same levels of interest in those things.

    If you want art reviews, join an art club or go to school and get critiqued there.

    Same thing for writing. Get an editor or join some club that shares your passion.

    People have friends to have fun, have backyard meals, talk about "stuff."
    I absolutely agree with you, but I've since moved away from having friends critique my art. It was a self-esteem issue that I've worked really hard on after breaking things off with W. I don't use social very much anymore either.

    As for my writing, it was G's idea to give feedback on each other's chapters. It was fun in the beginning, like having our own private book club each week, but she became really obsessive after a couple of months. It suddenly became a chore just to say what she wanted to hear or ask the right questions, which is kind of ridiculous. I had stopped sending her updates on my book for a long time because of it.

    Early this year, I began polishing my manuscript to actually get published, so I have that to look forward to ^^ I ended my friendship with G this morning.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jaymd
    I think I'd just like a friend I can comfortably talk to.
    ...and this is not that. So what should this tell you? As with dating, finding healthy relationships means screening OUT people who are bad for us while welcoming people who are good matches. So allow bad matches to pass early. This can either be devastating or practical, depending how resilient we strive to become. It's a decision.

    Originally Posted by Jaymd
    I'm not a very emotional person, so I think I feel like it's partly my fault for not giving 100% of myself to someone.
    Yeah...no. Adults mature out of childhood habits of monopolizing 'besties' as 100% investments after school age. As we grow more solidly into our own personalities, we learn how to respect the limits of others as we honor our own. We pursue any number of acquaintanceships to meet different needs.

    So a tennis friend may suck at conversation, and a shopping friend may not share our politics or spiritual beliefs, and a friend in whom we confide may never want to attend parties with us. Maturity teaches us to respect the limits of others--AND--to avoid people who are incapable of doing the same.

    Some acquaintanceships may evolve into more intimate friendships while others will stay at arm's length or phase out. The people who matter enough may cycle back around in months or years when our circumstances can align again.

    So there's no reason to cater to people who are unhealthy. Expand your reach, make other friends, and you'll learn more confidence in your ability to raise reasonable boundaries that others respect. If anyone is insulted by that, that speaks of them, not you.

    Chances are that the stuff you won't put up with are the same behaviors that won't be acceptable anyone else either. So it is kind to impose your limits.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Mar 2019
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    Your friend is jealous, insecure and engages in gaslighting you. Google the word: "Gaslighting." She's turning it around on you, calling you passive aggressive.

    Don't continue trying with her. Tell her it's time to go your separate ways permanently. If she is relentless, ignore, ghost, block and delete. Be done with her and move on.

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