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Thread: Heartbroken and Devastated

  1. #61
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rayj83
    I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be dismissive or argue aganist what you're saying. I know I'm coming from a hurt and sad and angry place because of how it all unfolded and in a place of beating myself up.

    Can I ask thought what your thoughts are on the situation? I know you commented briefly about her not being the one from day one, but just in terms of how the relationship unravelled and what I could have done to save it or not have it go down the drain. What are your thoughts?
    I can't give you thoughts on how you could have "saved" the relationship because I do not believe it is or was worth "saving". She told you she discards men. She discarded you at least twice. So she was true to what she told you from the very beginning.

    I wish for you to be able to see this for what it is and eventually let go of the idea that you "ruined" the relationship or that this is a woman who is going to provide you with the wife and family you want.

    If she did come back she would just discard you again. So I cannot in good conscience encourage you to continue to hold on to the idea that you two will reconcile and be happy together.

  2. #62
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    Originally Posted by rayj83
    I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be dismissive or argue aganist what you're saying. I know I'm coming from a hurt and sad and angry place because of how it all unfolded and in a place of beating myself up.

    Can I ask thought what your thoughts are on the situation? I know you commented briefly about her not being the one from day one, but just in terms of how the relationship unravelled and what I could have done to save it or not have it go down the drain. What are your thoughts?
    Oops sorry I saw your post on the first page. Thank you :)

  3. #63
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    One last question for the group of AMAZING, insightful posters.

    Is there anything you think at this point I can say to her or do to try somehow show her the faults/cracks in how she is approaching things with me and maybe dating in general? I so badly want to take what a lot of you are saying and how I feel and somehow have her come to a moment of realization that "oh my god what did I do in giving up this guy!". Maybe that's just fairy tale thinking - but maybe it would give me some more sense of closure and a feeling that I did everything I could given me feelings and desire to make this work with her? I realize maybe that will just make things worse for me, especially since she doesn't want contact. I'm sure you can understand my frustration with her attitude/approach to all this and my desire to change the way she views/thinks about it so this can work. I also kind of feel angry at myself that I had to be in this mode in the end of showcasing myself and auditioning myself that "hey I can be the stable guy you want!". I think I want a sense of getting some power back and showing her that I'm approaching things differently and maybe that will make her see me in a different light.

  4. #64
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This is not fairytale thinking, but something less noble or whimsical. I'll spell it out bluntly, and then explain: It is self-centered, controlling, and, ultimately, disrespectful thinking.

    What all this boils down to is that you're looking for a way to manipulate her into feeling what you want her to feel so you can feel better, and so you can live the story you believe is truest. You want to rewire her brain and heart to function in a way that will eliminate your hurt and make you feel victorious rather than defeated. Totally understandable, of course, as it's basically the first response to pain and discomfort. But it's one to observe, not indulge.

    Think about it in the context of, say, a heated religious discussion. You tell me you believe in god, and I tell you I don't believe in god. This makes each of us uncomfortable, a bit edgy and lonely, because our core belief system—the story that brings comfort—is being challenged by another person. If you could say all the "right" things to convince me that god exists? You'd feel better, just as I'd feel better if I could convince you that god doesn't exist. Alas, you are you and I am me, and to go down that road would basically be each of us disrespecting the other's truth. We'd be acting selfishly, putting our own truths above another's.

    With the right person—with, again, someone you're compatible with—you don't have to do any of this, or even think about any of it. You are you, she is she. There are similarities and differences, edges soft and sharp, but they are accepted and embraced. Same team, rather than competitors. She was never going to be that person, as she made it clear, from the outset, that she does not really do relationships. That was her telling you she does not believe in god. And while a god-believing person can have a harmonious relationship with an atheist, someone who wants to be in a relationship cannot be in a harmonious relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with them.

    Make sense?

    I know you're hurting, spinning. You're going to get through it. But who you are right now, and how you handle this, is going to inform who you are on the other side. I don't think you want to be someone who is controlling, who can't accept another person's truth when it contradicts your own. You are better than that, bigger than that.

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  6. #65
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This is not fairytale thinking, but something less noble or whimsical. I'll spell it out bluntly, and then explain: It is self-centered, controlling, and, ultimately, disrespectful thinking.

    What all this boils down to is that you're looking for a way to manipulate her into feeling what you want her to feel so you can feel better, and so you can live the story you believe is truest. You want to rewire her brain and heart to function in a way that will eliminate your hurt and make you feel victorious rather than defeated. Totally understandable, of course, as it's basically the first response to pain and discomfort. But it's one to observe, not indulge.

    Think about it in the context of, say, a heated religious discussion. You tell me you believe in god, and I tell you I don't believe in god. This makes each of us uncomfortable, a bit edgy and lonely, because our core belief system—the story that brings comfort—is being challenged by another person. If you could say all the "right" things to convince me that god exists? You'd feel better, just as I'd feel better if I could convince you that god doesn't exist. Alas, you are you and I am me, and to go down that road would basically be each of us disrespecting the other's truth. We'd be acting selfishly, putting our own truths above another's.

    With the right person—with, again, someone you're compatible with—you don't have to do any of this, or even think about any of it. You are you, she is she. There are similarities and differences, edges soft and sharp, but they are accepted and embraced. Same team, rather than competitors. She was never going to be that person, as she made it clear, from the outset, that she does not really do relationships. That was her telling you she does not believe in god. And while a god-believing person can have a harmonious relationship with an atheist, someone who wants to be in a relationship cannot be in a harmonious relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with them.

    Make sense?

    I know you're hurting, spinning. You're going to get through it. But who you are right now, and how you handle this, is going to inform who you are on the other side. I don't think you want to be someone who is controlling, who can't accept another person's truth when it contradicts your own. You are better than that, bigger than that.
    Kind of makes sense. She does do relationships, albeit she seems to burn through them quickly. I just know she did have very strong feelings for me, and said I had her heart. Even in the end. So I'm left with something to hang on to. Not trying to completely change the way she feels about me but rather get her to see maybe what a lot of you are saying about why she bails or why she couldn't be there for me and why she thought I would be such an emotionally volatile partner for her. Because her "head" was telling her to ditch me, not her heart. So the "head" seems to be something I can try get her to work through. Especially when I, like some others, see that she is controlled a lot by others, bails quickly, etc... I want to be the guy who shows her the light because I see something special between us IF she could change her viewpoint. Of course I don't want to manipulate her or force her to do anything - I was asking about anything I could do to awaken some sense of re-thinking how she views dating, me, what we had, etc... I do hear what you're saying though. I'm grasping at straws. I'm just trying every door and I guess thought this was one last one to explore with some of you.

  7. #66
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rayj83
    She does do relationships, albeit she seems to burn through them quickly.
    Let's say that, once a week, I do two pushups and then spend the rest of the time watching TV and eating chocolate. Would you say I am someone who exercises? I doubt it. Someone who burns through relationships—in weeks, maybe months—is not someone who does relationships. She told you this, showed you this. You are in pain right now because you did not listen.

    Yeah, you're grasping at straws. It's part of the process, and it's a particularly tough one right now because this whole relationship was just grasping at straws. It's a feeling you're used to feeling, in the context of her, so it's a feeling you're hanging onto by clinging to those straws.

    When I was your age, for whatever it's worth, I went through a devastating breakup. Someone I'd been with for 2.5 years decided we were done. No drama in our union, just love and respect, a very real and turbulent-free relationship. Alas, she realized she wanted to be single and independent for a bit, realized she needed that, for her own story. Could I have been a better partner in ways? Sure. But I wasn't a monster, and the most perfect, evolved version of me was not going to change what had become true for her.

    Like you, I wanted her back. But I respected this woman in my cells, and as a result I couldn't do anything save to honor her truth (wanting to be apart) while still honoring mine (wanting to be back together). What did that tightrope walk look like? Lots of self-reflection, examining where I could become a better, truer version of myself, and putting in some very hard work to realize that. In the beginning, of course, I hoped that would somehow lead her to "notice" me again, to come back, to miss what was gone, to feel feelings she stopped feeling. But I did nothing to push that. Nothing. I wasn't on social media then, and I moved 1700 miles away. Did not send her a single text message.

    Anyhow, at some point—I can't pinpoint it—something interesting happened. I stopped caring if we got back together because inhabiting a truer version of myself was a reward in itself. Important chapter in my life, and, internally, I thank her for it without needing her to validate it. We had a good thing, together, and she helped me find a good path, when we ended. Can't really ask for more. Or, well, you can, but it's a punishing line of questioning that doesn't foster genuine growth.

    You say you want marriage, children, all that. Great! But you are not going to get those things from someone who burns through relationships. That, above all else, should be the lesson here: sad and sour, but simple.

  8. #67
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Trying to "get" someone to do something is futile.

    YOU want her to do this. YOU are in fact trying to impose your will on her.

    I'm sure you'll have a rebuttal.

    I hope you will get to acceptance sooner rather than later. It'll be so much better for you when you realize she is not the right woman for you.

  9. #68
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Let's say that, once a week, I do two pushups and then spend the rest of the time watching TV and eating chocolate. Would you say I am someone who exercises? I doubt it. Someone who burns through relationships—in weeks, maybe months—is not someone who does relationships. She told you this, showed you this. .
    But what if she really wants a relationship to work and just hasn't found the right person? Maybe the guys were good, but maybe she hasn't found the right one. And I still feel I was the right one for her (Based on everything she was saying and feeling) right until she saw some of my mental health issues. Do you see where I'm getting at?

  10. #69
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rayj83
    But what if she really wants a relationship to work and just hasn't found the right person? Maybe the guys were good, but maybe she hasn't found the right one. And I still feel I was the right one for her (Based on everything she was saying and feeling) right until she saw some of my mental health issues. Do you see where I'm getting at?
    Honestly? No, I don't.

    I just don't have the thing inside me that makes me super into people who aren't into me. I've got a lot of confidence, and some cockiness mixed in there, but I don't think I am "right" for anyone who actively chooses to not be with me, for whatever reason. I have been left by women I've loved, faded on by women I was hoping to explore something with, and my reaction to that is kind of the opposite of yours: means we weren't right for each other, that I was not right for her, which means she was not right for me.

    Never a fun pill to swallow, but I can get it down when needed. And I hope you'll get to the point, sooner than later, where you see that swallowing that pill is better than continuously coughing it up.

  11. #70
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    I hear you all. And at this point I know I’m probably just so hurt and in pain I don’t want to accept the reality. I’m just angry at how it all unfolded - going back against my instinct, showing her love and being vulnerable and feeling like I was judged and outcast as someone who was too unstable. She literally said 75 percent of the reason she left was because of how distraught she saw me. Damn. That hurts and makes anyone feel defective. She was so amazing in her own way in spite of the flaws. An amazing person in spite of the issues. We had something really really amazing in spite of her flightiness and uncertainty. She was remember crazy about me and I crazy about her - my feelings never faded and hers did

    The crisis in the world and isolation doesn’t help obviously. And I’ve got other stuff to deal with that is making me feel even more isolated. I’ve been dumped before but something about this one is just so hard to move on from. Feels impossible. I’m fighting it so hard. But I’m trying at least not to. I just know from experience how hard it is to find someone and even though I’m not an old man, the age thing and fact 95 percent of my social circle are married just makes it hurt that much more. So there’s this pressure to make it happen quickly. And I know from experience, especially this recent one, how all it takes is one incompatibility in spite of so many things clicking for it to turn sour. Makes one feel hopeless. And it’s so hard for me to focus on self love, work, etc when I’ve got this pressure and heartbreak. Everything is a trigger for me - I see someone with a wedding ring? Trigger to how I couldn’t hack it. See a pregnant woman or someone with an engagement ring? Pit in my stomach about how I lost an amazing opportunity. And then back to crying. I am in therapy so am working through this. But it’s just so damn hard. With this one especially. I still can’t go a day without the pain in my stomach or crying or wallowing.

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